H getting cold feet...

[lennonkdc]

Hi Ladies! Congrats to all the new BFP!

I'm sorry, I've been away on vacation and I've been working through some stuff with H. Basically, he's getting cold feet on TTC, again. Before we got married we talked about kids and were on the same page (we wanted them, and knew that it would be sooner rather than later) He would joke about knocking me up on our honeymoon, and talk about kids in terms of when, not if. I was ready to start TTC right after the wedding, but a potential job offer with the Public Defender got in the way. So we decided to wait and talk in Jan. '15, at which point he was worried about finances and wanted to wait and talk again till May. It came up on the 11 hour drive, and he's still not ready and is worried about finances.

Basically, He doesn't think putting it off another 6 months would be a big deal and I about had a heart attack. He's of the mindset that we'll get KU the first cycle, and I'm being hyper negative and focusing on the worst case scenarios when I say that it can take a while, especially at our age. He is holding fast to the 'we said we talk about it in May' thing, and its not May (yet).

I typically have an easy time stepping back and looking at things logically, but I am 100% emotional about this and I can't help but feel panicked and worried and upset. I am ready to start trying, because I know there is a chance it won't happen for us, and the longer we wait the larger that chance gets. And I know it shouldn't matter, but my BFF just got a BFP; my H's sis and her H are trying and I hate the thought of being the last to have kids; and my Dad's starting another round of treatment and I so want to be able to introduce him to his grandkid. Plus I feel as ready as I possible can for kids. 

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent/ see if anyone else has been through this... I know I have to respect H's feelings and if that means waiting, I'll just have to make my peace with that. Maybe he'll surprise me when we talk in a few days and all of this will be moot. But until we're "officially" TTC  I'll just be lurking and sending BFP vibes from afar. 

[mom2boxers]

Big creepy internet hugs. Something that we found helpful when we started down the road was to make a mock budget to see how we would have to shift our money to be able to cover day care, formula, diapers, etc. We never really tracked much before and now we've made it work with DS #1. A little sad it took budgeting for day care to see that we could have had some nicer vacations pre-kid, but it's a life lesson. Maybe if your DH can see it on paper that it can work, it might alleviate some of the worry when you all talk in May.

ETA: added words

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for the emotional roller coaster lennonkdc. It is difficult when you and your partner are not on the same page with ttc. I wish you happiness!

[zombiesquad]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My H and I dealt a little with this before #1. Unfortunately, it was our mortality that helped him realize there would never be a "right time." When his grandpa died and he saw all the family and grandkids come together and pay their respects, it made him want the same thing. I'm not saying your H would feel the same way, but it amazed me what triggered his change of thought. My point is, it's hard, but I'd continue to try and be patient and give your H some time. Then broach the subject again. And as PP said, working out the finances on paper could really help see that you can make it work. I hope guys can get on the same page soon.

[lennonkdc]

Thanks Ladies. I'm really trying to stay positive about all this. We've done the budgeting and while it might be tight, its do able. I work out of the house, and H's parents are a block away, mine are 10 mins away and both sets have offered to assist us during the day. One of the reasons I wanted to start my own firm was to have the flexibility to have kids. Like I said I feel like things are as 'in place' as they could be for us, so I worry that he's just emotionally not ready. I need to prepare myself so I can objectively listen to him when we talk and not just dig in and be upset.

[happyktmom]

lennonkdc, boy do I know where you're coming from!
This conversation happened tons of times before and after marriage and in the end, having a child will always be the best thing you've ever done.  I also understand the pressures of age and being the last to have a baby.  That has bonuses though! Think of all the hand me downs!

You need to stand firm with him if this is what you are ready for.  Let him know you are not going take BC and it will be decided on fate or God or whatever you believe in.  It can take 6 months to a year after BC if you have no health issues. 

Maybe ask him if he wants this at all and if he's just stalling.  It's probably just what you say though, cold feet.

Either way, Good Luck to you and hugs!

[rnmommy]

There's never a "perfect" time to have a baby. My husband and I long ago talked about how if we'd waited until everything was perfect, we'd have never had our kids. I hope your hubby comes to his senses soon.

[dream2be3]

All I have to offer is lots of hugs and positive vibes. Sorry, you are going through this:-(

[lennonkdc]

rnmommy, Thanks. I keep telling him there will always be 'something' that seems not right-the vacation we want to take, the job offer on the table, the money we wish we had. But if we wait it will never happen.

happyktmom, I've been off BC for a year, but he's been pulling out so as not to 'leave it to chance' basically I'd be happy to be NTNP for a few months, but I know I'm control freak and I'd be there with my OPK's testing like a mad woman. As far as hand me downs, we have BOXES waiting for us from my cousin who has had 3 kids (a car seat, stroller, crib, tula, cloth diapers, pump, swing, toys, and so many cloths its insane).

When we talked in Jan I broke down and told him I felt like he was 'trying to run out the clock' by putting it off till it was too late. He assured me that wasn't the case, that he was just worried about 'affording' a kid because according to him they are ZOMG THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING EVER. My attempts to point out to him that even if we conceived the first month we have till early 2016 when I gave birth to save $$, have all the hand me downs we'd need and our food costs wouldn't go really go up right away either seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

So I think he just needs a bit of time to get in the right mindset. I'm hoping that the fact that his BFF (who is the SO to my aforementioned BFF) is about to be Dad will help (H doesn't know yet, I know his friend wants to tell him so I've been keeping my mouth shut- its so hard!!)

[rnmommy]

Our first was a surprise and we're glad it worked out that way.

[scorpioscuba]

As others have said, there is no "right time" and even when you think it is, things can change when you least expect it. When I was pregnant with my first, my husband lost his job 2 months before I was due. It was more than half our income and I thought the world was falling down around me. BUT we figured it out. It took time and it was not a happy time in our life but we survived and are better for it now. My husband is in school full time currently and we are doing better than ever. Life has a way of telling us that you can plan and plan and plan but really we aren't ever in control and sometimes we just have to figure it out as we go. I sincerely hope your husband comes around soon. There is nothing worse than being on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to having children. Hugs!!

[URMySunshine77]

My husband has had a few of those cold feet moments during our time TTC. It might help to remind him that you'll have nine months to prepare yourselves mentally and economically.

A friend also gave me some good advice. She asked if my husband and I would have regrets 10years down the road if we quit now. That might be a good question to share if you think he may just want to stop.

My DH is not a child person and he is totally different with our child.

[happyktmom]

lennonkdc, It sounds like you two make a great team and communicate well. That is so important, especially through this. Hang in there!
I learned a little trick with MH. I plant a seed and walk away and drop some hints here and there and then boom! He comes around. Maybe he just needs some time to work it out in his mind. Men are strange birds like that

[wirt2cute]

lennonkdc, I'm sending huge internet hugs your way. When H and I first talked about TTC our #2 he was a little hesitant. All he talked about was money and finances. Before I even got the IUD out I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I don't know what clicked, but one day he was like make the appointment and our TTC process began. I do hope that your H comes around and you two are able to start TTC.

[agpjt413]

Apr 29, 2015 9:54:37 GMT -5 rnmommy said:

There's never a "perfect" time to have a baby. My husband and I long ago talked about how if we'd waited until everything was perfect, we'd have never had our kids. I hope your hubby comes to his senses soon.

This, SO this!! I was about to say it but you beat me to it!

Lots and lots of ((hugs)), lennonkdc. We don't have any kids yet and I think MH now feels that we should've started trying sooner (he just turned 50 early April). I know it's so hard when you're not on the same page, but PPs have given great advice and as long as you're honest and open with YH, I think he'll see things differently. Communication is key, especially when TTC. Timing is everything (as far as the FW goes) and you're absolutely right, there's always that possibility of not getting KU on the first try. Hang in there hon - we're here if you need us so vent away!!

[Divefrog]

It's hard to offer the best advice because I don't really know you and your H's relationship that well. But really the ONLY thing you have mentioned he is concerned about is the financials.....

So, in that regard the budgeting on paper is good, but maybe you should probe a bit more about why he thinks kids are SO expensive. Sometimes two people are on vastly different pages as to what they need and want to provide for their future children. For instance, is he OK with all the hand me downs and second hand stuff (I totally am and my DH is less so due to his childhood and teasing he incurred)? Is he really on board with the grandparents providing childcare? or does he think daycare or even a nanny would be better? Does he want to send his child to private, or religious school? what extra cirricular activities is he expecting? Is he expecting summer camps? Is he planning to FULLY pay for college? What are his expectations for you lifestyle? Does he think you will need a bigger house, new and/or additional vehicle? Does he expect his and your hobbies, personal spending and vacations to stay the same, if not improve over time? If you and he have vastly different answers to these questions, I can see how you may be miles apart on what a kid might "cost"..... You may be focusing on the inital "baby" espenses, and he is probably focused more long term on how a child will impact your families long term finances.

My other thought is, he is possible only telling you finances, but also has some other reservations. And my best guess would be they revolve around the lifestyle change, added responsibility and "loss" of freedom, BIG things for sure!

[lennonkdc]

Thank you for all the internet hugs!! Its nice to know that other woman have been through similar situations with their SO's. Its really helping me back off and give him some space to let him sort through his feelings on the situation. We generally make a pretty good team, so I know we will figure this out.

I know that as "ready" as I am, I still have moments of worry over the future- both if we do conceive and if we can't. So while I can't read H's mind (try as I might sometimes) I'm sure he's worried about more than just the $$ aspect of it. I'll try to talk to him about it this weekend and see where he is at.

[wannabmama]

lennonkdc others have said such great things and provided wonderful advice. I'm chiming in just to say MH and I struggle with this, too. He's "only" 32 and not secure financially and he wants to wait. I'm almost 37, Id be happy to wait...if I thought one year would make a difference and if I knew one year wouldn't mean we would lose our chance. Of course neither of those things are guaranteed...just like everything else in life. I think reminding him (and me) that we have 9mo to work solely on making our lives have room for kiddo helps.

It is so hard when we have this time constraint put on us isn't it? I agree with PP that just making a statement and then backing off for a few days seems to work wonders. It's like it has to tumble around in his head for awhile before he can sort it out for himself. While I'm telling him something he sees it as combative and just wants to argue, so I make my point, listen to his response and let it go for a couple days. Usually without any fanfare he says something that shows he's changed his mind...

I wish you luck and send along my own creepy Internet hugs!

[URMySunshine77]

It sounds like you both have strong communication. I hope that he comes back around soon.

[pibblemom]

Glad to hear that my H isn't the only one dealing with cold feet. We, also, were (close to being) on the same page with kids. He definitely wants them, I think his biggest issue is he doesn't realize we aren't young ourselves anymore. He still wants to believe he's 23, but in fact were both 32 (sorry, not quite 35, but getting there). He said a few months ago he wished we had kids sooner, since then we've been NTNP, but I've been trying to encourage during my FW. He still has cold feet, but he's letting whatever happen happen. There will always be that vacation that you want to go on, but vacations don't Have to end with kids. As for financials, sit down and create a budget and you'll probably see that there is room for a baby if you want there to be.

[lennonkdc]

pibblemom,  a lot of my H's issues (besides $, which is sort of a red herring) is thinking that we are still "young", and have all this time. I think that no matter how understanding the guy, they will never "get" the whole biological clock thing. If I thought we had more time I'd back off for a bit longer (because frankly I've been ready to have kids for a while now but wanted to buy a house and get married before making the effort.)

Honestly, I think we both sort of hoped/thought maybe we'd have an oops! and it would be a moot point, but after 12 years together I think we're going to have to put a bit of thought into it.

[jess9802]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My DH has always been on board with having a baby, and I'm the one who's had the cold feet (especially with respect to having a second). The finances are a huge part of my worry, too. Although my mom has watched DS since he was born, she has not been willing to commit to watching a second baby, so I've wanted to wait until we could afford daycare for an infant. I also had a big promotion a year ago and it changed how I'm compensated at work - there's the opportunity for more money but no guaranteed salary. I wasn't ready to have a baby in the first year under that scheme.

While there may be times where having a baby is not great, it's rare that there's a PERFECT time. In terms of the finances, the biggest line item in your baby budget on an ongoing basis is childcare. If you have grandparents providing care (we do, too, and it's awesome), that is HUGE. I was able to breastfeed and pump, we used cloth diapers, and we got a lot of baby gear and clothes at my showers, so DS didn't really cost us a lot of money in his first year (actually, he's still pretty cheap, at least compared to my teenage stepson). The biggest expense was the medical bills from the pregnancy and the delivery, and we saved for that during the pregnancy.

Anyway, good luck - and I hope you and your husband are on the same page soon.

[Divefrog]

jess9802,


We too have my parents watching our DD, and one of the questions I needed to know before ttc was whether they were willing to watch #2. In the end after much discussion the best solution for everyone involved was for us to find childcare/preschool for DD, and free them up to watch the baby. Best decision for DD, best decision for what my parents wanted, and best solution for us since full-time preschool is cheaper than infant care.

[vh2014]

When my DH and I started trying we had a talk about it and my comment was, well let's just see what happens... for all we know we might have a hard time. That was my way of getting him to start trying. Of course I said that thinking it would be one and done first month (because that's what it was like when I was younger) .... and low and behold... here we are with all the craziness later. The downside- he thought I knew it could be hard so he was surprised it upset me so much. Oops. He worries about finances too, but as PP said you have 9 months to figure that out. I was dirt poor when DD was born... it all worked out.

Really didn't mean to type a novel... just wanted to say- GL and I hope he comes around soon.

[lennonkdc]

Thanks for all the support ladies. H and I talked over the weekend and while I didn't get the answer I wanted (Which was let's start TTC now!) it was a productive talk and I was able to hear where he was coming from. In the end we have decided to postpone TTC by one month. Honestly, I think its a good compromise as far as these things go. So, I'm going to be lurking for this cycle, but as soon as CD1 hits I'll be back

[scorpioscuba]

That's great news! Thanks for the update!

[zombiesquad]

Yay for effective communication! Glad you guys worked it out.