Hi all! I've lurked here for a little while (I mostly hang out on S14), and I hope you don't mind if I join in!
I currently SAH with our 7-month-old DS. I'm not sure if staying at home is permanent for me yet...the job I left was far from home, far from childcare, and really irregular hours (it was common for me to leave work 3 hours late and still have a 45-50 minute drive home), so I left when DS was born. We talk from time to time about me returning to work, but we don't have a final decision yet.
Here's my question...does anyone else feel SAHM guilt? I often feel guilty that I'm not contributing financially. I feel guilty spending money on myself for anything-a haircut, clothes, food that I know I will eat but my husband won't. How do you deal with it?
Post by younglove316 on Apr 30, 2015 9:27:37 GMT -5
Hello & welcome!
I have gone through this and still do occaeionally. My husband has no problem with me spending as long as I go crazy but it just felt weird to me because I wasn't making the money. I had someone tell to figure in all the costs you are saving because of no daycare and this and that and I do multiple jobs in one- cook, maid, care provider, etc. And it gave me a different perspective. Just because I'm not making any money doesn't mean I'm not contributing.
Hello and welcome! I've been home about 2 months now and have a 6 and 1 year old.
I don't feel guilty about spending, as much as I feel like we don't have extra money for me to spend. Everything is budgeted, right down to our allotted "fun" money per week.
Moreso, I sometimes feel feelings of remorse over giving up my income because it means staying in a neighborhood I don't super love and putting things like vacations and whatnot on hold.
Lastly, even though I'm contributing to the family dynamics by providing maid, chauffeur, nurse, etc "services", those are all things I was also doing while working outside the home, so I don't feel its much of a contribution (edit to add, even though it really is a huge contribution, it's just my weird way of thinking right now). We do now have no childcare expenses, but we'd only have that for a few more years anyway.
I definitely dealt with that at the beginning after DD was born. It just felt weird to be financially dependent on someone and to not being a contributor. I decided to figure out how to contribute and I look at part of my job as saving money. I spend time each week going through coupons and shopping smart. I'll go to multiple stores to find better deals. I buy most of my dry goods at target because I can use store coupons, manufacturer coupons, cartwheel app, and redcard. It's the same with clothes and things. It is not huge but it is a contribution and I think it helps to feel that.
thanks ladies! I feel better knowing I'm not alone!
ashiscute, I think you described it well! I'm not used to being financially dependent on DH (even though I never made a ton of money at my previous job), so it's weird now. I'm starting to be much more conscious of our grocery bill, and between meal planning, coupons, and buying store brand/discount brands I've cut it down by $20-30 a week. I might have to look harder at the Target discounts and coupons and start shopping there some! It's not super close to me, but maybe if I just do a stock-up trip every so often it will be worth it.
I have felt the same way at times. In addition to what PPs have said, I also factor in the benefits DH gets from me staying home. He is able to do better in his career because he doesn't have to worry about leaving at a certain time to pick up kids, doesn't have to run errands, etc. He also volunteered to go on a business trip he didn't need to go on a few months ago, and he got to meet important people in the company and get some good experience. It was no big deal for him to go because we didn't have to arrange for extra childcare or anything. I probably wouldn't have wanted him to go if I was working. So him doing better in his job will eventually pay off money-wise through raises, promotions, and stuff like that.
Also, DH and I agree on a budget for each month, so there is no guilt when either of us spend anything, as long as we are sticking to the plan we agreed to.
Post by redfraggle on Apr 30, 2015 14:21:48 GMT -5
Tardy to the party, but I'll throw in my 2 cents.
Yes, when I first started, I had a hard time accepting my new role in the family. I'd worked since my teens, with few SAHP friends. It is hard to get used to the change. But I came to accept that I still contribute to the family in a lot of ways, like cleaning and meal prep that DH and I divided more evenly when we were both WOH, as well as saving the family money on commuting costs, daycare, etc. Most importantly, I contribute happiness and a positive attitude, which I had a harder time with when I went back to work in DS's infancy.
You aren't sitting around eating candy and watching soaps while you pay others to care for your child, clean, cook, run errands, etc. You are actively caring for your family and deserve respect (even from yourself) for doing so. If you still are struggling with not earning income after this, you might consider finding a PT job nearby, even if it isn't glamorous.
Not to make the thread about me, but just wanted to comment on a couple things!
ashiscute, thanks for the Target couponing tips. I do have the redcard, but I'll look into the cartwheel app. What's the best way to get their store coupons? Can you use store/manufacturer coupons and cartwheel app simultaneously?
nerdalert, benefits to DH's career was actually one of the big reasons we decided to make this move right now. He started with a new company last summer and it's a fresh start and excellent opportunity for him, using his actual college degree (the last job didn't). He made significantly better money than I did and we were starting to really feel the pressure to figure out childcare for sick kids days, weather-related school closure days, and all of the days (including summer vacation) that DD1's school wasn't in session. We decided that he could better focus on furthering his career, which benefits the whole family, if he could really concentrate on work by working late when he needs to, travel when he needs to, and not have to call in for anything kid related. It also allows him to rest and rejuvenate on most weekends, or go and do something fun with us, rather than both of spending most of the weekend running errands, trying to get laundry under control, etc. It's a better balance all around.
Welcome! We use a budget and we each have fun money to spend. It helped me to feel less guilty about little things I wanted to buy for myself. Most other expenses I chalk up to the normal running of the household and don't feel bad about buying things for that.
I get some in the mail and some from the store when I check out. They are also in the Sunday paper. But they have coupons on their website too. I just google target coupons and they usually have 8-10 pages that you can browse through to print. You can use a manufacturer coupon, store coupon, and cartwheel app discount for the same item. And redcard comes off everything. Today the cartwheel only added up to $2.30 but I've saved roughly $100 in the last year. Today I bought Bounce dryer sheets and had a 50 cent target coupon, 50 cent manufacturer coupons, and 5% off Cartwheel.
+1 for Target shopping! I love that they let you use all the offers at once. Stores that exclude everything annoy me. Target also has deals where you get a store giftcard for buying 2 packs of diapers at a time, which is awesome.
+1 for Target shopping! I love that they let you use all the offers at once. Stores that exclude everything annoy me. Target also has deals where you get a store giftcard for buying 2 packs of diapers at a time, which is awesome.
nerdalert, I get that giftcard deal all the time on pampers!
ashiscute Why did I not realize that Target coupons were a thing?? Now I need to go do some serious price comparing. Is there a limit on how many of the same coupon you can use in one transaction?
maybe working out a firm budget with DH will help me feel better about the money I do spend...that seems to be a common thread here. I'm definitely thriftier than he is...right now he gives me a certain amount of money and I use that for groceries, pet food, gas/maintenance on my car, etc. I budget for it to last at least 2 months barring a major catastrophe, and I'm good at sticking to it. DH takes care of everything else, and I don't really know how it all breaks down. Sounds like we need to have some money/budget conversations, because I think knowing exactly where we stand will give me peace of mind.
redfraggle, you make a good point that it's important for me to respect my role in our family, whether that means staying home or finding a part-time job (decisions, decisions...). Thanks all for giving me a healthy dose of perspective!
Welcome. I can't say I have ever felt those feelings, but perhaps that is just because our system for how we handled purchasing prior to LO/me staying at home is the same as now, plus we both have always been extremely money conscious. Also, we both work hard and pull our weight with regards to the family and our lives as a whole, but we just do so in different ways. Our money is OUR money, regardless of what the name on the check says. I can perhaps offer some input on the saving money aspect though.
Some things I noticed regarding my grocery and household goods shopping planning: I look through all the store flyers each week and make a list by store based on sales plus what I know is always a better price at a particular store (or for most produce, only one store typically has a decent selection and better quality so that stuff always goes down on that list). If a store only has a bit of savings to offer for a given week, unless that store is right by another, I skip it because driving to a different store to save $.50 is pointless if I eat it up in the fuel cost to get there. I also buy things that last a while when available on a good sale rather than waiting until I need them IF the timeline makes sense and I am not overstocking myself to the point that something goes bad. For example, I buy a bunch of flour, sugar, and other baking supplies when I see it get to the low end of pricing (you will start to see trends about what has price hikes and best sales at various seasons, such as certain veggie prices go up in the winter and their best sales are when they are in-season). I have a pretty good idea of how fast I go through things on average, so when eggs are on sale for $1/dozen or milk for $2/gallon or whatever, I can look at their dates and know what I will likely go through in that time (accounting for the flexibility in the dating information); I find that helpful in making the most of sales. I think some people fall into the traps of seeing a sale sign and not noticing the price had been hiked up for a few weeks so the "sale" is actually higher than the normal price when purchased most other times of the year or driving all over to get a deal thinking they are saving money or stocking up too much that stuff goes to waste (<-- I have to be careful of this one with crackers and cereal as LO goes through such phases just like I do, so the second I stock up, we are sure to hit a lull and risk waste). We take a money conscious approach rather than a strick budget approach. Some people do better with the budget approach, but it just isn't for us. We do monitor long-term, but we go in such waves for certain things that I prefer the flexibility of not having a weekly or monthly budget. I buy beef in bulk once a year at most, then fill in with other meats, sometimes in smaller bulks and sometimes more regularly. I stock up on many veggies seasonally and fill in as needed. Same story with other foods and products (I don't think I have bought toilet paper in nearly a year because they had some packaging change or something that lead to a few old ones being moved to a different area and put on clearance). This method means I might spend $800 one month on groceries and other household stuff but only $100 another month, which doesn't work well with short-range budgeting.
I also want to address your comment about your H handling a big chunk of the financial aspect. I think it is perfectly reasonable to have one person take care of making sure bills are paid and such, but I think both people need to at least be in the loop in case of emergency. My relative's MIL recently became widowed, and she had no idea what bills they had each month, what credit cards they had, or even where to find any of the information. Even though they were thankfully in a fine financial position, she had no idea what bills and such existed or how to move forward. It could have gone south quickly if a bill she didn't know to look for was only sent electronically to his email, causing her to become delinquent, or any other scenario. The DIL and son spent several days helping her sift through paperwork, mail, emails, etc and contacting banks, etc and who knows what else to try to figure it all out. MH and I both know where to find all of our information, though I make sure bills get paid (I take care of actually paying or I tell him "Pay the water bill while you are online anyway tonight." so that we avoid the situation of each thinking the other paid a particular bill only to find it two days too late because it had fallen behind the desk or something). We both check over the accounts. We both check in with each other on big things or when several smaller things add up. It is that type of being in the loop despite one being the main bill payer that I think is important.
Hope you are able to be comfortable in your newish role or find a different role you are comfortable with, whichever case better works for all of you.
I identified with work a lot and being able to help support us. I still am able to help support us, just in different ways. Like PP's I meal plan to save money, use Target Cartwheel app and the red card, and other things. I buy the majority of my clothes from Goodwill and DD's clothes and toys from Children's consignment shops. I think I am able to be more money conscious than I would be if I were working. Doing housework and watching DD allows my DH to be able to get his work done at school rather than be distracted at home trying to grade and lesson plan. It is a long day for everyone, but it works.
Welcome! I feel guilty some days others I know this is the right choice for now. I do my best to keep the house running, I cook, clean, laundry, take kids everywhere the need to be, homework, dr appointments, school things. I also do my best to save money when we shop. I'll go to 3-5 stores a week for groceries to get the best prices(they are all super close), I've also decided to start back slowly into my cakes to help bring in a tiny bit extra Money.
I barely made enough in 2 weeks to cover 1 week of daycare. Plus I worked a good 45 minutes away and my husband can't always be off in time for a daycare pick up. No matter how we sliced it it wasn't going to work. I'm hoping to slowly start part time work in the next 6 months to a year, depends on the new baby coming in July.
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