How is your DH/SO handling it all?

[leenziepops]

As Time Zero is approaching, I've been focussing a lot on how I will manage labour and then bringing home a baby and everything else between. I've been telling my DH what I want from him during labour, telling him when to put the baby seat in, and telling him all MY needs.

Well.... My amazing, strong, supportive DH has completely lost it and is in freak out mode. After a 3hr session of birthing class about what to expect during a normal labour and a birthing DVD, DH lost it completely on Saturday. He didn't want to go to the 2nd class. He told me how disturbing he found the first class; quite interesting since I left the class feeling positive and happy. He continued his freak out for a good hour about everything that was frightening him. I was lying on the bed listening to him as he paced back and forth. He is so stressed and anxious. The main fear of his is the pain that I will go through and how he cannot do anything to help me. I tried to reassure him that him being there will help me more than he realises but he's still so upset about the labour. He is also scared about the blood, the smells and the sounds. He has promised he will be there by my side, but he also wishes that he doesn't have to be. I can understand what he means. I feel so bad for him that he is this freaked out and no matter how much I reassure him he just can't shake what he is feeling.
Also to add some background, DH has linked hospitals with the death of his father 4 years ago and most recently his grandmother. He associates the pain with death. I tried to tell him that my pain is different and connected with giving life and that the whole experience will be beautiful because we'll get to meet our son finally. 



Tell us here how your DH/SO is feeling. 
Any tips on how to calm a daddy-to-be in the labour room? 

[baileybaileybne]

You poor thing. I was your DH after watching that birthing video!!
It's really hard to know what it will be like until it happens. Will it feel like a hospital, or more like a separate concept of a birthing facility because no one there is actually 'sick' and there won't be a mix of ages (as much)/genders/treatment wards. I'm doing the hospital tour class tomorrow night and hoping it will give us some preparation for what it will really be like.
Perhaps that might help him separate the bad memories of illness and loss from this experience?
As for the pain, I feel like it's totally up to you what you want to do about it re: drugs etc but if you are experiencing pain it's for a very good purpose and won't actually cause you longterm illness or damage and if you are both ready to be in it together that's all you can really do.
Re: blood, smells, etc I'd imagine you're just as unsure about that as he is too (just like me as a FTM), so again it's a learning experience but ultimately, that baby is coming out one way or another so it might be uncomfortable for him to witness but it's a fact. I suppose I'm comparing it to the pep talk I've been giving myself: just do it, it's worth it and there is no turning back! I also feel like anxiety over it will only hurt not help so I'm trying to be kind of objective about it rather than letting my emotions build up and freak me out.
Sorry I don't have much advice on how to calm him: I just feel like it's both of you in it and both of you will have loads of gross/stressful stuff to deal with as parents so this is the first trial!
I feel like most husbands get into tough mode when required so if you need him to step up he'll find a way to be strong for both of you.

[leenziepops]

baileybaileybne I feel jibbed. We didn't get the tour. The ironic thing is I'm currently not at all nervous about the labour. I've been zenning out from getting worked up but now I'm worried about DH and I'm worried about how his feelings will impact my birth experience. My comfort is knowing that he's been in tough situations concerning my health before and he really pulled through. He only broke down after things were over so I'm 90% sure he'll pull through on the day.

[lalamomma]

DH hated the classes but wasn't big on reading the books I suggested so he didn't get a choice lol.
Fwiw I thought the classes did make him anxious. I don't think he had a true depth of understanding for what would actually happen until I had DD. But he tells his friends that are FTDs how beautiful it is and how amazing we women are to do it. It's not all blood and weirdness.
Ironically pre labor he was very much a "I'll stay by your head" type guy. I swear I've never been more in love with him than when I heard him call his parents and older brother to tell them DD was here and bragging about how amazing it was and how proud of me it made him. He didn't know I could hear him but it was so precious.

I think birthing classes tend not to paint a clear picture of the emotions surrounding labor. At least in my experience.
Does he have any good guy friends/family with kids? Anyone who would talk to him about it from a guys perspective? My BFF had a hardtime with her H and she mentioned it to me so I suggested to DH to be encouraging to him and she said it helped a lot.

[txngrl31]

I feel for him! Ironically, my husband is a lot more calmer about the whole thing than I am, but he does have his moments of," ok, let's talk about this and how it's going to go down." Like your husband, I have a negative association of hospitals. It really helped to touR the labor and delivery floor, meet nurses and ask questions. The nurses soothed my anxiety by getting it through my head that this is not a sick floor, it is a happy floor....they get to help you meet your baby! Does he go to your prenatal visits with you? Mine goes to as many as he can, and he always has a list of questions to ask the doctor. I think our relationship with the doctor has gotten closer because she understands our fears, concerns and anxiety. They are there to help you!

[erbear]

My H is actually really big on the classes. The description of an epidural and a c-section have freaked him out a bit but he says he's learned a lot.

Otherwise he's just really excited. He's been indulging my nesting a little bit more (he hung shelves for me this weekend in the nursery and let me go get a crib skirt and sheets last night). He's a professor and classes finished last week and he's pretty much cleared his summer schedule to be home with us.

[purpledaisy923]

I am having a c-section because twin B is breech. DH and I went to a c-section class and I think that really helped to calm his nerves. They went through the procedure step-by-step, including the before and after care, so he has all of the information that he needs to feel prepared. I think he would be more nervous if the plan was for me to give birth vaginally, since it is a lot less "predictable" than a planned c-section.

DH has been freaking out about the whole keeping two newborns alive and happy thing. He's never been around little babies before, so he is really nervous. He's afraid that he might drop them or he won't support their head/neck properly. I am definitely going to be the main one in charge of taking care of the twins their first year of life. I'm hoping that DH will just figure it out and calm down about it once the twins are actually here. We'll just have to wait and see.

[laurenlou83]

I'm sorry your husband is having a more difficult time right now! I think the feelings he is having are completely normal.
Could you get a tour of the hospital and maybe this will put his mind at ease a little bit? I don't think many people like hospitals, and I can especially see why he doesn't given the loss of family members, but maybe seeing the maternity ward and being able to ask questions may help?
I would just encourage him to discuss how he's feeling from now leading up until "go time" - it'll help to talk about any questions or concerns instead of him holding in the anxiety he may be feeling.
I think as women and the one's carrying the baby it is normal for us to worry. I have made a point of asking DH if he has any questions, concerns, needs to know anything, etc. because I have to remind myself that he is going through all of this, too!

[theBeeMama]

leenziepops Aww your poor husband. He sounds precious though, to be so concerned about you! Hopefully once the real thing hits he'll just hit some sort of adrenaline rush and be so focused on helping you and getting the baby here, he'll be great! (?) I think the best thing you can do is just validate what he's feeling but keep encouraging him like you have been that it will be unlike anything he's experienced before and that it WILL be beautiful and totally worth every ounce of worry, and that it's better to be prepared about all the mildly traumatic stuff so it doesn't catch him off guard.

I'm having the OPPOSITE problem with my dh, and I seriously almost started this exact same thread a couple days ago because I am hoping somebody out there can relate and give me a little empathy...

I feel like my husband does NOT get how big of a deal this is for me emotionally and physically. Let me say in his defense that he is an incredibly sweet human being, he's never mean or pushy and I love him to death. He's just oblivious!! Which is pretty common for men, I know, but seriously. He was like this with our first baby, too.

I hear all these stories about husbands waiting on their pregnant wives hand and foot, being so mystified and amazed by the whole ordeal and I think that's adorable but my dh seriously acts like absolutely nothing is different!! I mean, he does everything I ask him to do gladly (as far as rubbing my back or letting me go lay down for a bit of I've had a hard day with ds) but... I don't know, this sounds so incredibly spoiled and bratty, but I am on my feet all day long with a toddler and dh's puppy, potty training both the kid and the dog, trying to keep ds occupied and cared for while dh is at work for 12 hours a day. From wake-up to making breakfast and then cleaning up and then play time and then lunch time and then clean up and then more play time and then HOPEFULLY nap time so I can do housework and then more play time and then making dinner and then cleaning up from dinner and then bedtime routine... My feet feel BRUISED and my back feels like it's cracking in half and I am worn out and usually frustrated and dh comes home and YOUR DAMN RIGHT I WANT TO BE CODDLED. I am 8 months pregnant! Even if all I did was lay in bed making this tiny human inside of me I'd probably still want someone to make over me at least a little bit. Lol. But if I say, "oh I'm exhausted. It's been a long day" dh says, "yeah seriously, me too." And like... I know he is and he has been having to work a lot lately so I understand that he is also going through it. But he drives cars for a living. I make and raise people. Lol


Ohhhhkay wow. Thank you to anyone who read that. Obviously I needed to vent. Hahaha.

[lalamomma]

May 11, 2015 7:53:43 GMT -5 theBeeMama said:

leenziepops Aww your poor husband. He sounds precious though, to be so concerned about you! Hopefully once the real thing hits he'll just hit some sort of adrenaline rush and be so focused on helping you and getting the baby here, he'll be great! (?) I think the best thing you can do is just validate what he's feeling but keep encouraging him like you have been that it will be unlike anything he's experienced before and that it WILL be beautiful and totally worth every ounce of worry, and that it's better to be prepared about all the mildly traumatic stuff so it doesn't catch him off guard.

I'm having the OPPOSITE problem with my dh, and I seriously almost started this exact same thread a couple days ago because I am hoping somebody out there can relate and give me a little empathy...

I feel like my husband does NOT get how big of a deal this is for me emotionally and physically. Let me say in his defense that he is an incredibly sweet human being, he's never mean or pushy and I love him to death. He's just oblivious!! Which is pretty common for men, I know, but seriously. He was like this with our first baby, too.

I hear all these stories about husbands waiting on their pregnant wives hand and foot, being so mystified and amazed by the whole ordeal and I think that's adorable but my dh seriously acts like absolutely nothing is different!! I mean, he does everything I ask him to do gladly (as far as rubbing my back or letting me go lay down for a bit of I've had a hard day with ds) but... I don't know, this sounds so incredibly spoiled and bratty, but I am on my feet all day long with a toddler and dh's puppy, potty training both the kid and the dog, trying to keep ds occupied and cared for while dh is at work for 12 hours a day. From wake-up to making breakfast and then cleaning up and then play time and then lunch time and then clean up and then more play time and then HOPEFULLY nap time so I can do housework and then more play time and then making dinner and then cleaning up from dinner and then bedtime routine... My feet feel BRUISED and my back feels like it's cracking in half and I am worn out and usually frustrated and dh comes home and YOUR DAMN RIGHT I WANT TO BE CODDLED. I am 8 months pregnant! Even if all I did was lay in bed making this tiny human inside of me I'd probably still want someone to make over me at least a little bit. Lol. But if I say, "oh I'm exhausted. It's been a long day" dh says, "yeah seriously, me too." And like... I know he is and he has been having to work a lot lately so I understand that he is also going through it. But he drives cars for a living. I make and raise people. Lol


Ohhhhkay wow. Thank you to anyone who read that. Obviously I needed to vent. Hahaha.

I completely understand the desire to be pampered and have him just amazed and helpful lol.
DH just isn't that way while I'm pregnant. If I really complain he tells me to take it easy but he doesn't just offer help all the time. And with him being gone I've not had anyone rubbing my back or feet.
I'm thankful my mom and SD are helpful with other things though right now. After DD was born DH was incredibly gentle and kind and supportive. Maybe your husband will be that way too!

[trixi282]

I don't really have a lit of advice, but I'm sorry your H is being that way. Hopefully the second class will be more informative for him and he'll start to feel better about some of it.

As for the hospital anxiety! I ditto the hospital tour, I think that helped my H a lot in terms of what to expect at least in terms of where to go and how it all works which eased some of his questions.

I'll say for us, its actually one was in particular that my H and I are very much alike: we're both pretty calm about stuff like this and he was incredibly supportive and calm throughout my labor, and eventual unplanned csec....

He had most reservations about after baby was here because he had never really held a newborn or changed a diaper.... (purpledaisy923) but he held her before me since I did have the csec and this amazing calm came over him immediately, it was beautiful. He ended up changing her first few diapers, including the meconium diaper, and learned how to swaddle from one of the nurses! It was so sweet to see the shift in him once she was born, and how enamored he was with this little life we created!

[bendherova]

He's very calm and rational about it. DH is an MD. He's delivered babies (as a med student). He has a remarkable ability to separate his emotional side from what he knows needs to happen physically during medical procedures. (which is both helpful and maddening at times).

With our first, he dutifully attended whatever classes I decided we should take. (Childbirth and an Infant care/infant CPR class).

This time he's all, what do we need a hospital tour for, I've worked there. (not the same hospital where Ds1 was born).


My biggest concerns are how we'll balance the load of two boys after DS2 is born, especially given DH's historically grueling work schedule. Plus, I sometimes expect him to know what needs to be done/read my mind, and then get frustrated when he doesn't. Ha. That's on me though.

[ladymouse]

DH is outwardly calm, but I can tell that he's getting increasingly nervous. Not about the birth or the baby, but because he won't hear whether his job will continue until he's on paternity leave. He's trying to avoid the thought, since there's nothing he feels he can do (since I'm at the no-moving-til-the-baby-comes phase.)

However, on the labor front, this is our second run. DH is almost always incredibly calm, and labor was no exception. Of course, until I was hooked up to a monitor (or unless the midwife was actively checking me), the only way anyone else could tell I was having a contraction was if I started having one in the middle of a sentence - I'd go silent, then pick up again afterwards.

He thought he'd be too squeamish (and possibly get sick) with the blood, but somehow he didn't notice the blood or the massive hole in my belly... because there was our son. A shiver ran through his whole body, his face broke into the most helpless, irreversible smile, and his eyes softened and filled with tears. My most precious memory, next to two minutes later when *I* saw my boy for the first time.

[kemdupuis]

May 11, 2015 7:53:43 GMT -5 theBeeMama said:

leenziepops Aww your poor husband. He sounds precious though, to be so concerned about you! Hopefully once the real thing hits he'll just hit some sort of adrenaline rush and be so focused on helping you and getting the baby here, he'll be great! (?) I think the best thing you can do is just validate what he's feeling but keep encouraging him like you have been that it will be unlike anything he's experienced before and that it WILL be beautiful and totally worth every ounce of worry, and that it's better to be prepared about all the mildly traumatic stuff so it doesn't catch him off guard.

I'm having the OPPOSITE problem with my dh, and I seriously almost started this exact same thread a couple days ago because I am hoping somebody out there can relate and give me a little empathy...

I feel like my husband does NOT get how big of a deal this is for me emotionally and physically. Let me say in his defense that he is an incredibly sweet human being, he's never mean or pushy and I love him to death. He's just oblivious!! Which is pretty common for men, I know, but seriously. He was like this with our first baby, too.

I hear all these stories about husbands waiting on their pregnant wives hand and foot, being so mystified and amazed by the whole ordeal and I think that's adorable but my dh seriously acts like absolutely nothing is different!! I mean, he does everything I ask him to do gladly (as far as rubbing my back or letting me go lay down for a bit of I've had a hard day with ds) but... I don't know, this sounds so incredibly spoiled and bratty, but I am on my feet all day long with a toddler and dh's puppy, potty training both the kid and the dog, trying to keep ds occupied and cared for while dh is at work for 12 hours a day. From wake-up to making breakfast and then cleaning up and then play time and then lunch time and then clean up and then more play time and then HOPEFULLY nap time so I can do housework and then more play time and then making dinner and then cleaning up from dinner and then bedtime routine... My feet feel BRUISED and my back feels like it's cracking in half and I am worn out and usually frustrated and dh comes home and YOUR DAMN RIGHT I WANT TO BE CODDLED. I am 8 months pregnant! Even if all I did was lay in bed making this tiny human inside of me I'd probably still want someone to make over me at least a little bit. Lol. But if I say, "oh I'm exhausted. It's been a long day" dh says, "yeah seriously, me too." And like... I know he is and he has been having to work a lot lately so I understand that he is also going through it. But he drives cars for a living. I make and raise people. Lol


Ohhhhkay wow. Thank you to anyone who read that. Obviously I needed to vent. Hahaha.

This is my DH too. I don't have a toddler to take care of, but I ama high school teacher and still working full time. On top of that, I am the choral director and the end of the school year is always extra crazy with performances, etc. so I have been getting home super late atleast 2 or 3 nights a week. DH works hard, and has a stressful job, but it is so frustrating when I ask about his day and he goes on and on about how crazy it was, and then rarely asks about how I'm doing, etc. He helps when I ask him to, but it would be really really nice if he would take some initiative.

[mrskblack11]

I felt like DH wasn't ready or prepared for baby's arrival because he always seems nonchalant about it.

After the hospital tour, he was pumped! He kept telling me how excited he was and he was ready for the baby to come early. He even told me he wants to cut the umbilical cord (which is not something I ever asked him about).

[megd893]

May 11, 2015 7:53:43 GMT -5 theBeeMama said:

I'm having the OPPOSITE problem with my dh, and I seriously almost started this exact same thread a couple days ago because I am hoping somebody out there can relate and give me a little empathy...

I feel like my husband does NOT get how big of a deal this is for me emotionally and physically. Let me say in his defense that he is an incredibly sweet human being, he's never mean or pushy and I love him to death. He's just oblivious!! Which is pretty common for men, I know, but seriously. He was like this with our first baby, too.

I hear all these stories about husbands waiting on their pregnant wives hand and foot, being so mystified and amazed by the whole ordeal and I think that's adorable but my dh seriously acts like absolutely nothing is different!! I mean, he does everything I ask him to do gladly (as far as rubbing my back or letting me go lay down for a bit of I've had a hard day with ds) but... I don't know, this sounds so incredibly spoiled and bratty, but I am on my feet all day long with a toddler and dh's puppy, potty training both the kid and the dog, trying to keep ds occupied and cared for while dh is at work for 12 hours a day. From wake-up to making breakfast and then cleaning up and then play time and then lunch time and then clean up and then more play time and then HOPEFULLY nap time so I can do housework and then more play time and then making dinner and then cleaning up from dinner and then bedtime routine... My feet feel BRUISED and my back feels like it's cracking in half and I am worn out and usually frustrated and dh comes home and YOUR DAMN RIGHT I WANT TO BE CODDLED. I am 8 months pregnant! Even if all I did was lay in bed making this tiny human inside of me I'd probably still want someone to make over me at least a little bit. Lol. But if I say, "oh I'm exhausted. It's been a long day" dh says, "yeah seriously, me too." And like... I know he is and he has been having to work a lot lately so I understand that he is also going through it. But he drives cars for a living. I make and raise people. Lol


Ohhhhkay wow. Thank you to anyone who read that. Obviously I needed to vent. Hahaha.

The bolded made me LOL. 

I hear this, and I wish I could say having a female spouse made it easier.  My wife has no desire to BE pregnant and doesn't see it the same way as me - which is totally fine and, why I'm currently the size of a jetski.  However, because we have so many women around us who have had babies in the last 5 years, she just sort of doesn't get what it's like.  She actually said to me "I dont remember SIL1 or SIL2 complaining this much".  Are you happening??  Maybe because you're MY spouse you hear MY complaints!  We have a lot of practice with babies, and theres no nerves around him BEING here, but she's not really ... invested in what labour and delivery are going to require of her FOR ME.  We went to birthing class and she's been very nonchalant about it.  The pregnancy to her is a means to an end, which is seriously frustrating and can sometimes be lonely. 
I hear this 100%.  Thank you for the vent.  You are not alone. 

[wegrowsheep]

This is our third, so DH's only real concern is child care and transport to hospital logistics. I know being with me when I hit transition is tough for him also, because he can't do it for me, and he wants to take away the pain.
With our first, my mom was close by and stepped in during transition when I asked for her. She has taught prepared child birth classes and DH was quite willing to let her help. She wasn't there for our second, but DH remembered what to do (make me recite the alphabet. It's really fucking hard). Knowing that the intense pain is temporary makes it less stressful for him.

Something else that helped was letting him be the "expert" for some things. Like, changing the first few diapers. I told him I'd never changed one before, and I was sure he could probably do it better anyways. Asking him to "please be in charge of such-and-such" goes a long way, because it gives him a shred of control over something.

Just remember that however he reacts is fine. Even if he has to sit down in hallway for a timeout!

[Deleted]

Other than waiting on my hand and foot and helping with a few things in the nursery, mine is mostly in denial. I can't really talk to him about my birth plans because he loses it. And his way of dealing with uncomfortable things is to just completely ignore that they exist. Add in the fact that he is very squeamish about hospital stuff, there is no way I would have been able to get him into a birthing class to talk about those kinds of details. Part of why I hired a doula. I know he's excited and happy and will be there for me during labor but I also know that he needs the space to react the way he needs to. That's just the way he works. Give him the space he needs and he'll pull through in the end. But right now the reality of it all is just really weighing on him. There is no doubt in my mind that he will be an amazing, very hands on father once the baby is on the outside, because I see him with DS1 every day and they are fantastic together.

[mrsdee1982]

I just don't think it's hit my DH yet. In fact I know it hasn't. I don't think he realizes just how imminent her arrival is. Every time I ask him to do something and it doesn't get done, he'll say "I'll finish it next week on my days off". I asked him "So, just how many more weeks do you think you can get away with that? You know she could literally come at anytime now, right?" He didn't have a response.

I know once she's here, he'll be the most amazing daddy. And I know that he'll make a great labor partner. I know it will be hard on him to see me in that much pain, but he'll pull through.

[belle0720]

My H is just excited and being awesome so far. We'll see how we're feeling after our Breastfeeding and Childbirth Classes this week!

[noname83]

I think my H is putting on a game face at this point, but the childbirth class seemed to get him more on the same page as me. He's been all about - take all the pain meds as soon as possible. Once we took the class and got a better understanding of what it entails, he's closer to being on the same page as me. In terms of helping me out just because I am more tired, he's been great. He's taken on the brunt of the housework and hasn't complained at all. He doesn't say anything when I plop down on the bed at 9:30 and ask him to grab me some water because I forgot to get it while I was still standing. He's also always been like that and that's one of the reasons I love him.

He was initially dead set against a doula, but after meeting with two, he's on board since he realizes he has no clue how to help me and will want some direction. It's also making me a lot calmer knowing there'll be one more person to help ask the right questions in case we start getting into interventions. I'd be lying if I wasn't a little nervous about my H hearing something like - okay we should do this, and agreeing immediately instead of asking "can we wait, what are the risks," etc. While we're not medical professionals, I do think it's important for us to get as complete of an understanding as possible before blindly agreeing.

[junch817]

I just want to say this thread has gotten me so excited to see my husband become a daddy all over again. Not just there in the hospital, but in those first few days and weeks, when it's all so fresh and new and you can't believe you MADE this little person.

And I'm so excited for you FTMs to get to experience falling in love with your husbands/SO all over again. That was one of the most surprising things through all of it. Seeing him love his baby, MY baby, OUR baby, was one of the most amazing feelings. To know he loves this little person every bit as much as I do, and way more than either one of us could ever put into words. The amount of time we just spent staring at her; not talking, just looking and smiling...there is nothing like it. That's one thing that makes me a bit sad; I'm assuming since we will be occupied with DD, we won't get as much of those moments of just staring at the baby and taking it all in.

I guess that would be my advice to some of you concerned with how DH is treating you now, or being nervous about how he will react to delivery - Instead, concentrate on the after, knowing you are about to fall in love all over again, with your baby and your partner.

[bendherova]

May 11, 2015 12:04:11 GMT -5 @kej0004 said:

 Since he's really comfortable around doctors and surgery and stuff, he just doesn't seem concerned when I tell him I'm worried about a C section (because baby is still breech at the moment) or that I'm worried about being bullied into compounding interventions. Since he's very medical oriented, 

This is very interesting to me.  DH is a surgeon and is the opposite;  he wants us to do what we can to avoid me having surgery, knowing that the recovery is much intense.   (He's also fairly conservative at using meds/taking DS1 into the doc for potential ear infections, etc) 

[trixi282]

junch817, you hit the nail on the head, that first week was so awesome, just looking at her sleeping and then looking at each other like "we made that!" a few times my H would say something like "She's real! I can't believe she's ours!" it was the sweetest thing ever.

Unfortunately I do have some friends who's husbands were different and not quite as involved early on, but some men don't get the baby thing until the smiles and the interactions start happening. Either way it's such an awesome time.

I'm getting so excited - but also nervous for the balancing act with 2... and with balancing 2 with one in the NICU to start. I can't wait for our D to meet her little sibling!

[billyhorrible]

I'm going to do my experiences first time around - I think that's more meaningful than now, when we both have an idea of what to expect.


Mine was the exact opposite of yours leenziepops. He works with mostly women, so he heard horror stories about pregnancy and labor. He was terrified of me getting pregnant, developing diabetes, dying during childbirth, etc.

Once I actually got pregnant, it really helped him to be involved an learn about it. Which doesn't seem to be helpful to your husband. Mine came to every appointment, so he would know what was going on. He really liked the birth classes because they made him feel like he knew what to expect and helped give him ways where he felt he could be useful. He was a tremendous advocate during the birth for that reason - arguing with the doctors about a need for internal exams, etc.

I don't know how helpful this is, because your DH is so different. I think his anxiety is natural, and it's going to be really hard for you to deal with. Not because you're not amazing, but you're not really equipped to do so. I would really recommend him speaking with some sort of mental health care professional who can help him develop some coping mechanisms, and tools to help him get through his anxieties.

[leenziepops]

Thanks for the tips ladies. I will look into the tour but I was already told at the birthing class they canned providing tours 2 years ago for reasons I don't know.
I think it would be good for him to talk to some guys that have BTDT as some of you suggested, so I asked my BIL to bring it up next time and also one his mates to open the talk. I think this would be a better approach than a therapist. billyhorrible, He attempted therapy after his dad died and hated the concept of talking to a stranger.
junch817 - your post gave me all the good feels! Thank you! I cannot wait to see DH become a dad too. I know he's going to be awesome.
@jimbobcooter - I agree with "he needs the space to react the way he needs to." That's why during his freak out I just listened and let him get it out.
baileybaileybne - How was the tour for you? Sorry the birthing DVD freaked you out! I've always found them fascinating so I had seen a few on youtube when my sisters were pregnant a few years ago.
theBeeMama - In a way it really did warm my heart to see how worried he is over seeing me in pain. It would bother me more if he was too casual and nonchalant like some of the other ladies have shared here about their DH. He is very adoring and passionate - it really is precious! Remembering that, I cannot get upset at all by his reactions. I only feel for him! Sorry to hear you are not getting coddled enough. Sounds like now is a great time for us all to sit down and really communicate with our DH's

[cnumbers]

Sorry that your H is feeling a little overwhelmed. I think the way you handled his fears and venting was amazing. Just by listening and sometimes that's the best we can do.

My SO has been really busy this last month so I don't think he has had much time to really think about it. He seems really laid back which makes me think that it hasn't totally sunk into him yet that we are going to be parents. I'm definitely having my mini freak outs to myself. As he's keeping himself busy I feel that's a form of distraction for him but boy am I scared that when I go into labour it's going to suddenly hit him and he won't be able to handle it. He's asked to come to our birthing class on Wednesday as he missed it last week due to being really ill so I'm excited for that as maybe it will make it seem more real for him. Then again SO has always been laid back and very calm, one of the traits I love about him. He takes things as they come & he has made me a calmer more rational person since being with him, I think more now before I do things & what the outcome could be. He's slightly squeamish though.. So I'm scared he'll faint during labour lol.

Edited to add:- sorry I didn't have much advice as I'm a FTM too.. & as for the hospital tour, we don't even get that as an option in the UK.. we used too but then they stopped doing it . The only time we got to see the hospital was our two trips to L&D & whilst those were nerve racking SO & I were kind of curious to see what the place was like. You can take a virtual tour online but the site is down.. that's useful huh?

[Bluedaisy]

My DH is doing pretty well. He's starting to be Mr. Fix it though...I think his way of coping with the pregnancy being completely out of his control is to be busy working around the house and trying to get stuff done. He's been very good to me during the whole pregnancy but hasn't been super coddling or anything.

[sapphyre0702]

May 11, 2015 13:27:23 GMT -5 junch817 said:

And I'm so excited for you FTMs to get to experience falling in love with your husbands/SO all over again. That was one of the most surprising things through all of it. Seeing him love his baby, MY baby, OUR baby, was one of the most amazing feelings. To know he loves this little person every bit as much as I do, and way more than either one of us could ever put into words. The amount of time we just spent staring at her; not talking, just looking and smiling...there is nothing like it. That's one thing that makes me a bit sad; I'm assuming since we will be occupied with DD, we won't get as much of those moments of just staring at the baby and taking it all in.

That was really well written and nice to read. Thank you!

[baileybaileybne]

leenziepops the tour was really good. They showed us a birthing suite and a room as well as the common kitchen area and visiting lounge. It didn't look much like a hospital, more like a beauty spa (not a pretty one, but you know what I mean: rooms for procedures but not sickness).
It actually made me feel heaps more calm.
I would recommend asking your hospital if they could take 10 minutes to show you and your partner around so you know what to expect and can see it's not sad, quiet or sullen like a ward.