Great article: People Have Misconceptions About Miscarriage

[SubtleGrandeur]

My brother emailed this article to me this morning: People Have Misconceptions About Miscarriage, And That Can Hurt

I've been debating on whether or not to post it to Facebook... but, only a handful of people know about my MC and I kind of don't want a bunch of questions.  On the other hand, this particular quote really hit home for me: "I felt alone until I realized there is this big, secret miscarriage club — one that nobody wants to be a member of — and when I realized it existed, I felt angry that no one told me they had active membership."

[Rama]

May 11, 2015 8:53:48 GMT -5 SubtleGrandeur said:

My brother emailed this article to me this morning: People Have Misconceptions About Miscarriage, And That Can Hurt

I've been debating on whether or not to post it to Facebook... but, only a handful of people know about my MC and I kind of don't want a bunch of questions.  On the other hand, this particular quote really hit home for me: "I felt alone until I realized there is this big, secret miscarriage club — one that nobody wants to be a member of — and when I realized it existed, I felt angry that no one told me they had active membership."

I haven't had a m/c and I posted it on Facebook, if that makes you feel better.  I haven't gotten a boatload of questions, either.  I'd say to go ahead and post it. :)

[jags8]

I started opening up about my miscarriage last October 15th. Aside from a few well-meaning but hurtful comments, I'm glad I did. I also posted that NPR article on FB. Other people have opened up to me FB, PM, texts...it's been great being able to connect with others. Yesterday I got quite a few texts and messages wishing me a Happy Mothers Day, because I should have a one-month-old right now. It felt so nice to have my angel baby acknowledged.

So that is precisely why I open up and discuss it now. I don't want any other women feeling like they are alone. I think it's shitty that society has made it a taboo topic.

[cabgirl]

"'I don't want another baby, I want THIS baby, the one I thought I would have, the one I started planning for, hoping for, dreaming about, talking to. All that got taken away from me.'"
YES to this. Yes to all of it, actually. This whole article is spot on. I just shared it on Facebook, even though I was only open with a handful of people about my miscarriage. Thank you for sharing this.

[jags8]

@fearsy only two people commented on the article itself when I posted, but who knows how many more read it? As long as people read it and remember for the future, I'm happy.

[kelle017]

My first two pregnancies ended in very early losses. Had I not been actively trying I probably wouldn't have even know I was pregnant. I told a few people about them a few months later (they were 2 cycles in a row). When I got into my second trimester I posted that I was pregnant and also mentioned the previous losses.

I knew they weren't as uncommon as people think because of being on ttgp, but still some of my friends had gone through that experience and I'd had no clue, and I've had several people talk to me about their experiences as well.

[kayladawn91]

I occasionally share articles and things on Facebook, but have never officially told anyone about my loss except for my sister. No one has ever commented or asked questions when I post things about miscarriage. It really does seem to be a taboo subject for many.

Thanks for sharing this article SubtleGrandeur. It's spot on.

[ldubhawksfan]

May 11, 2015 8:53:48 GMT -5 SubtleGrandeur said:

My brother emailed this article to me this morning: People Have Misconceptions About Miscarriage, And That Can Hurt

I've been debating on whether or not to post it to Facebook... but, only a handful of people know about my MC and I kind of don't want a bunch of questions.  On the other hand, this particular quote really hit home for me: "I felt alone until I realized there is this big, secret miscarriage club — one that nobody wants to be a member of — and when I realized it existed, I felt angry that no one told me they had active membership."

I posted it on FB Saturday and said something to the effect of tomorrow (Sunday) being hard for those who don't get to hold their children. The quote about how you mark time by their absence hit me hard because even though it's been 10 months, I still know exactly how old my baby should be and that yesterday should have been my first Mother's Day.

I think sharing articles like this can only help with those misguided stats in the article. People don't know differently because the topic is so taboo.

[juliayadda]

May 11, 2015 10:18:35 GMT -5 ldubhawksfan said:

May 11, 2015 8:53:48 GMT -5 SubtleGrandeur said:

My brother emailed this article to me this morning: People Have Misconceptions About Miscarriage, And That Can Hurt

I've been debating on whether or not to post it to Facebook... but, only a handful of people know about my MC and I kind of don't want a bunch of questions.  On the other hand, this particular quote really hit home for me: "I felt alone until I realized there is this big, secret miscarriage club — one that nobody wants to be a member of — and when I realized it existed, I felt angry that no one told me they had active membership."

I posted it on FB Saturday and said something to the effect of tomorrow (Sunday) being hard for those who don't get to hold their children. The quote about how you mark time by their absence hit me hard because even though it's been 10 months, I still know exactly how old my baby should be and that yesterday should have been my first Mother's Day.

I think sharing articles like this can only help with those misguided stats in the article. People don't know differently because the topic is so taboo.

I cant read it now because I assume I will cry and I am at work. I just had one of  "those" moments when reading your and jags8's comments about how old your angel babies would be. My angel baby would be in Kindergarten and turning 6 in November. You don't ever forget.

 

Hugs to you both and all the loss mom's on the board.

[joy]

That is a very well written article.

My only comment comes from my very private place feelings - I don't think that any woman should be made to feel that they are doing a disservice to anyone by not talking about their miscarriage. You don't have to talk to people about it if you don't want to. I felt a bit shamed reading that article because it made me feel that I was part of the problem. Since I didn't discuss my miscarriage, then I was perpetuating the problem. However, it was a personal event to me and I feel that I'll deal with it as I see fit.

In a global sense, yes - we should talk about it more. But at an individual level, no one should mourn any other way than what works for them.

EDIT: This whole post is phrased weird.  Sorry that I can't speak well today.

[shadesofgold]

I shared on Facebook Saturday morning. No likes, no comments. Point proven.

[jags8]

joy while I see where you're coming from, this is the first time I've ever seen someone/an article encourage sharing. Think about it- women are told not to share their pregnancies until after 12 weeks...because they could lose it. People are shocked and judge if someone shares sooner. And (gasp!) people would know you had a miscarriage! So, I'm not supposed to share my loss? Why not?

People can choose to share or not share their pregnancies and losses. I just think that we, as a society, should stop telling women to wait until 12 weeks to share their news. We need to stop making it shameful and secretive to have a miscarriage.

[joy]

May 11, 2015 13:58:15 GMT -5 jags8 said:

joy while I see where you're coming from, this is the first time I've ever seen someone/an article encourage sharing. Think about it- women are told not to share their pregnancies until after 12 weeks...because they could lose it. People are shocked and judge if someone shares sooner. And (gasp!) people would know you had a miscarriage! So, I'm not supposed to share my loss? Why not?

People can choose to share or not share their pregnancies and losses. I just think that we, as a society, should stop telling women to wait until 12 weeks to share their news. We need to stop making it shameful and secretive to have a miscarriage.

You missed my point.  It wasn't about what globally people should be doing; it was about individually what makes people comfortable.

You want to share before 12 weeks?  Do it!!  You don't want to share?  Then don't. 

It's all about choice.  We all should have a *choice* and currently there has been no choice ("keep your mouth shut!").  I just want us to move towards choice and not flip 180 degrees to telling everyone everything because you feel like you have to.

[longhornwino0907]

May 11, 2015 14:04:08 GMT -5 joy said:

May 11, 2015 13:58:15 GMT -5 jags8 said:

joy while I see where you're coming from, this is the first time I've ever seen someone/an article encourage sharing. Think about it- women are told not to share their pregnancies until after 12 weeks...because they could lose it. People are shocked and judge if someone shares sooner. And (gasp!) people would know you had a miscarriage! So, I'm not supposed to share my loss? Why not?

People can choose to share or not share their pregnancies and losses. I just think that we, as a society, should stop telling women to wait until 12 weeks to share their news. We need to stop making it shameful and secretive to have a miscarriage.

You missed my point.  It wasn't about what globally people should be doing; it was about individually what makes people comfortable.

You want to share before 12 weeks?  Do it!!  You don't want to share?  Then don't. 

It's all about choice.  We all should have a *choice* and currently there has been no choice ("keep your mouth shut!").  I just want us to move towards choice and not flip 180 degrees to telling everyone everything because you feel like you have to.

I feel very similarly about women's (and couples') IF journeys. Some don't want to share because it's extremely personal to them. But if I want to talk about it, I shouldn't be made to feel like I can't talk about it just because society is so fertility-normative. I have many friends who shared their journeys with me during National IF Awareness week, but they did so privately. They appreciated that I felt compelled to spread the message, but didn't personally want to do it. And there should be zero judgement in that. And zero judgement in wanting to share the details of our journey. How you handle your TTC journey should be completely up to you, not dictated by society.

[jags8]

May 11, 2015 14:04:08 GMT -5 joy said:

May 11, 2015 13:58:15 GMT -5 jags8 said:

joy while I see where you're coming from, this is the first time I've ever seen someone/an article encourage sharing. Think about it- women are told not to share their pregnancies until after 12 weeks...because they could lose it. People are shocked and judge if someone shares sooner. And (gasp!) people would know you had a miscarriage! So, I'm not supposed to share my loss? Why not?

People can choose to share or not share their pregnancies and losses. I just think that we, as a society, should stop telling women to wait until 12 weeks to share their news. We need to stop making it shameful and secretive to have a miscarriage.

You missed my point.  It wasn't about what globally people should be doing; it was about individually what makes people comfortable.

You want to share before 12 weeks?  Do it!!  You don't want to share?  Then don't. 

It's all about choice.  We all should have a *choice* and currently there has been no choice ("keep your mouth shut!").  I just want us to move towards choice and not flip 180 degrees to telling everyone everything because you feel like you have to.

No, I think I understood what you were saying. You felt like the article was telling you that you should share your loss for the sake of others going through the same thing.

But I only remember one woman in the article saying SHE felt it was her duty to share her loss to help others. But that's one woman versus a whole society telling us to keep our mouths shut.

[joy]

May 11, 2015 14:13:17 GMT -5 jags8 said:

May 11, 2015 14:04:08 GMT -5 joy said:

You missed my point.  It wasn't about what globally people should be doing; it was about individually what makes people comfortable.

You want to share before 12 weeks?  Do it!!  You don't want to share?  Then don't. 

It's all about choice.  We all should have a *choice* and currently there has been no choice ("keep your mouth shut!").  I just want us to move towards choice and not flip 180 degrees to telling everyone everything because you feel like you have to.

No, I think I understood what you were saying. You felt like the article was telling you that you should share your loss for the sake of others going through the same thing.

But I only remember one woman in the article saying SHE felt it was her duty to share her loss to help others. But that's one woman versus a whole society telling us to keep our mouths shut.

I don't think that women should be made to feel that they are handling their miscarriages/losses wrong.  This article made me feel wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm over here offended or anything, but I do think it should be said in these contexts that if you don't want to share, then you don't have to.  If you do want to share, then go for it.

[jags8]

May 11, 2015 14:17:18 GMT -5 joy said:

May 11, 2015 14:13:17 GMT -5 jags8 said:

No, I think I understood what you were saying. You felt like the article was telling you that you should share your loss for the sake of others going through the same thing.

But I only remember one woman in the article saying SHE felt it was her duty to share her loss to help others. But that's one woman versus a whole society telling us to keep our mouths shut.

I don't think that women should be made to feel that they are handling their miscarriages/losses wrong.  This article made me feel wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm over here offended or anything, but I do think it should be said in these contexts that if you don't want to share, then you don't have to.  If you do want to share, then go for it.

Can you share where you feel the article was saying you should share your loss? I honestly only recall one woman being quoted saying she felt it was her duty to share her loss. It seemed so insignificant in the scheme of all the info given in the article.

[joy]

May 11, 2015 14:19:41 GMT -5 jags8 said:

May 11, 2015 14:17:18 GMT -5 joy said:

I don't think that women should be made to feel that they are handling their miscarriages/losses wrong.  This article made me feel wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm over here offended or anything, but I do think it should be said in these contexts that if you don't want to share, then you don't have to.  If you do want to share, then go for it.

Can you share where you feel the article was saying you should share your loss? I honestly only recall one woman being quoted saying she felt it was her duty to share her loss. It seemed so insignificant in the scheme of all the info given in the article.

Jags, the whole article was about how more people should talk about their miscarriages and how surprised they were to hear that other people had had them, too.  The article's thesis was saying "if we all talked more, then we all wouldn't have to suffer in silence."

I agree with that statement.  But, individually, we all need to do what we have to do. 

I'm not sure why you are taking such offense to my opinion.  I'm only saying that women should do what feels right to them.  I don't understand how this is controversial.

EDIT: I also don't expect other women to have the reaction that I did to it.  We're all different and will react differently based on our own experiences. 

[jags8]

May 11, 2015 14:23:12 GMT -5 joy said:

May 11, 2015 14:19:41 GMT -5 jags8 said:

Can you share where you feel the article was saying you should share your loss? I honestly only recall one woman being quoted saying she felt it was her duty to share her loss. It seemed so insignificant in the scheme of all the info given in the article.

Jags, the whole article was about how more people should talk about their miscarriages and how surprised they were to hear that other people had had them, too.  The article's thesis was saying "if we all talked more, then we all wouldn't have to suffer in silence."

I agree with that statement.  But, individually, we all need to do what we have to do. 

I'm not sure why you are taking such offense to my opinion.  I'm only saying that women should do what feels right to them.  I don't understand how this is controversial.

I'm not taking any offense at all, I'm sorry I've come off that way. I was truly trying to understand where you were coming from. Perhaps because I feel the need to share my miscarriage, nothing in the article jumped out at me? But because you prefer to keep it private, the article ha a different tone.

[Rama]

May 11, 2015 14:26:32 GMT -5 jags8 said:

May 11, 2015 14:23:12 GMT -5 joy said:

Jags, the whole article was about how more people should talk about their miscarriages and how surprised they were to hear that other people had had them, too.  The article's thesis was saying "if we all talked more, then we all wouldn't have to suffer in silence."

I agree with that statement.  But, individually, we all need to do what we have to do. 

I'm not sure why you are taking such offense to my opinion.  I'm only saying that women should do what feels right to them.  I don't understand how this is controversial.

I'm not taking any offense at all, I'm sorry I've come off that way. I was truly trying to understand where you were coming from. Perhaps because I feel the need to share my miscarriage, nothing in the article jumped out at me? But because you prefer to keep it private, the article had a different tone.

This is what it sounds like is happening.  Maybe because I feel more comfortable being open about my journey, I didn't read it the same way joy seemed to.  Going back over the article, I can see where she's getting the, "Talk about it, people!" vibe, though.

FTR, I'm team "Let ladies decide whether to talk about their experiences or not, based on their own comfort level, and don't judge their choices either way."  Talking about miscarriage/infertility/whatever shouldn't be weird to talk about, but that also shouldn't make you feel pressured to do so if others are.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. D:

[joy]

May 11, 2015 14:26:32 GMT -5 jags8 said:

May 11, 2015 14:23:12 GMT -5 joy said:

Jags, the whole article was about how more people should talk about their miscarriages and how surprised they were to hear that other people had had them, too.  The article's thesis was saying "if we all talked more, then we all wouldn't have to suffer in silence."

I agree with that statement.  But, individually, we all need to do what we have to do. 

I'm not sure why you are taking such offense to my opinion.  I'm only saying that women should do what feels right to them.  I don't understand how this is controversial.

I'm not taking any offense at all, I'm sorry I've come off that way. I was truly trying to understand where you were coming from. Perhaps because I feel the need to share my miscarriage, nothing in the article jumped out at me? But because you prefer to keep it private, the article ha a different tone.

I think that would be the best way to describe it, yes!  We get each other!

[mosdub]

Thanks for sharing.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. When I had to let all of my coworkers know about my loss I was shocked at how many women came out of the woodwork to tell me about their losses. It made me feel like I wasn't alone and I was so thankful for their stories. I wondered why they didn't tell me before - why no one talks about it.

But I kind of get it. It doesn't just "come up" in conversation unless someone has had a loss. If someone is pregnant you don't want to be the one to say "I've had X number of losses - in case anything goes wrong I'm here if you need me". When someone announces they are pregnant no one wants to bring up loss as a possibility.

Does any of that make sense?