How do you keep your relationship alive?

[Deleted]

Alright ladies, I guess this is kind of an advice post. All the women on here have children, careers, are busy preparing for baby, or are a mixture of the three. We all have things in our daily lives that may sometimes push our relationships to the back burner.

So, I'm curious, how do you keep your relationship alive? Are there certain things you and SO do to keep the spark going? Do you set aside a certain night each week for eachother? Or send appreciative texts?

I'm looking for ideas myself, and thought that maybe some of the other women here can pick up some good ideas as well.

[smilz4782]

I am horrible at this... But one thing we do maybe we shouldn't is try to sit down and chat or watch a show or something on the nights I don't work instead of cleaning and laundry and whatnot.
It's at least time together.
Usually Friday nights are better we stay up way late (like 1am) and do stuff together. Usually just talking and (used to be) drinks and a movie or tv. But it's a start. We do Costco trips or things like that together and get pizza and frozen yogurt (haha) and then in good weather we do family walks where we talk and the pool in the summer...
It's rarely alone, but we do what we can.
I sacrifice having all the dishes done to sit with him and watch a show (because we invariably talk through it).

We have had 3
Dates since dd was born

[purpleroses]

We definitely have room for improvement, but DH and I try to get out for a date night or with friends (and without DS) at least once every 4-6 weeks. Luckily, my mom lives local to us and we have a nanny who comes to the house to watch DS who is willing to pick up extra hours here and there. We also try to go out to lunch together at least once a week during the week, if he is not traveling for work (which he does on a regular basis). Since he is gone a lot, we text and g-chat quite a bit and lately have been trying to make more of a point to really talk and spend time together in the evenings once DS has gone to bed, rather than reverting to watching TV and texting, checking FB and emails, etc., on our phones.

When I first went back to work from mat leave with DS, I wanted to spend every free moment with him and had a harder time with doing a date night without feeling guilty. I do think it's so important to make time with your DH/SO a priority, though, both for purposes of the relationship and having happy kids.

[Deleted]

Jan 21, 2015 23:30:10 GMT -5 smilz4782 said:

I am horrible at this... But one thing we do maybe we shouldn't is try to sit down and chat or watch a show or something on the nights I don't work instead of cleaning and laundry and whatnot.
It's at least time together.
Usually Friday nights are better we stay up way late (like 1am) and do stuff together. Usually just talking and (used to be) drinks and a movie or tv. But it's a start. We do Costco trips or things like that together and get pizza and frozen yogurt (haha) and then in good weather we do family walks where we talk and the pool in the summer...
It's rarely alone, but we do what we can.
I sacrifice having all the dishes done to sit with him and watch a show (because we invariably talk through it).

We have had 3
Dates since dd was born

Those are the things SO and I do. When he and I can go to the store without DD, it's like a vacation!

We've had maybe 10 "dates" since DD was born in 2012, but they have mostly been going out to bars to hang out with friends, not really alone time.

[marybeth]

For us, it's laughing together and trying to carve out a little time each evening to hang out. Most of the time, we just sit on the couch together and watch TV. My husband is my best friend, and when we have off days and get out of sync we talk about it without making it into a big deal. We rarely have date nights or do crazy, over the top romantic stuff, but we do try to show our appreciation for each other in small ways (a quick text to say " I love you" or picking up candy on the way home).

If you feel like things are slipping, I would start by having an honest, open conversation about it. Both people have to try equally to keep a relationship working, it's not something one person can do by themselves.

[littlecookie]

We could do better. We try to go out on dates fairly often. Our parents are here so we have tons of eager sitters. Holding hands while watching tv seems to help as does working on the house. I have a friend who has a chalkboard where they write little notes and hear it's very helpful.

[slane]

I need to get better at this, we barely spend quality time together. I need to try more and quite honestly so does he. Just hard with a toddler that wants mommy all the time!

[laur1020]

Good post! I think this is definitely going to be an area that DH and I will struggle in. I am a SAHW and DH works from home, so we are together almost 24/7   We try to go to dinner or the movies once in a while to actually have a date night. Once the baby is here who knows how often it will happen! 

[Deleted]

DH and I work pretty similar schedules, Mon-Fri 7-4 for him and 8-5 for me. During we always have dinner together with the boys, do homework and watch Jeopardy and Wheel 9th Fortune. I know we sound old, but the routine helps us spend time together. Then we plan our weekends to have family fun.

Individually we have date night every other week; Friday nights after I give class. Either my mom or his parents will stay with the boys. We usually go out for sushi or watch a movie, or whatever we can plan in time. In between the dates or on months where money is tight I'll cook his favorite meal, surprise him with a Ilove you or thank you card before work or text him while he is at work to say thank you for something thoughtful he did. Date nights don't have to be a expensive. I usually get Groupon for the movies or dinner for two. Maybe if money is tight just go out for ice cream after dinner at home.

TMI part:
We try and keep see interesting. Nothing crazy, but not the same positions in the same order every night. I like to mix it up a bit and keep him on his toes. I have lots of lingerie; I usually get all dressed up (hair, perfume, etc) minus the make up because he likes my face natural. I believe sex is very important in a relationship; I don't deprive him and vice versa. That just leaves open doors IMO and if him and I are getting our needs met then there's no room for extras. This also depends on the type of relationship you have because some people are not as sexual or don't care for sex and maybe their partner doesn't either and that works for them.

Oops didn't mean for this to get too long. Hope it helps.

[dukwok]

I feel like it's easy to forget how the simple things can help too. DH and I text/chat randomly through out the day (what's for lunch, my coworker is pissing me off, this meeting sucks, etc.) and I'd say it helps keep the friendship aspect alive. I wasn't always an affectionate person, but I think physical contact also helps, we hold hands during car rides, cuddle watching netflix and hug often. And I try to keep up with his sexual appetite, dirty talk, role plays, etc. I know it sounds corny, but it helps that we're on the same page spirituality too, so we try to pray together when we remember too. Here's to hoping we can keep everything alive when LO comes in May!

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2015 2:30:15 GMT -5 dukwok said:

I feel like it's easy to forget how the simple things can help too. DH and I text/chat randomly through out the day (what's for lunch, my coworker is pissing me off, this meeting sucks, etc.) and I'd say it helps keep the friendship aspect alive. I wasn't always an affectionate person, but I think physical contact also helps, we hold hands during car rides, cuddle watching netflix and hug often. And I try to keep up with his sexual appetite, dirty talk, role plays, etc. I know it sounds corny, but it helps that we're on the same page spirituality too, so we try to pray together when we remember too. Here's to hoping we can keep everything alive when LO comes in May!

That doesn't sound corny at all we do the same (praying together etc). God is the basis of our relationship so that is most important to us.

[veenie]

We fail miserably at this, so thanks for the ideas ladies! We would totally be that couple that looks at each other when kids are gone and say "now what?" Not good!

I need to pick a few things and try them out. Gotta start somewhere, right?

[Deleted]

Oh this is a great thread. I know since we got pregnant we have not been amazing at this. As a newly-ish married couple (a year and a half so far) we are still learning a lot. I echo @allybells with the 5 Love Languages and another good series we read was called For Men Only (about women, for men to read) and For Women Only (about men, for women to read). Friends of ours actually swapped and the wife read the one about women and underlined/circled things pertinent to her so when her husband read it he would have not only a better understanding of women in general but also of what things were true of her. He did the same with his book.

DH is in Navy flight school so he is very busy/very stressed. It's like he is back in college. I get to come home from work at 3 and relax--he comes home from a flight or a simulator and gets to study all night before his next one. So we try to make the most of any relaxed time we get together. I also try to help him study. We do "snack nights" every week or two where we will pick a movie or a netflix show, go buy snacks, and spend the evening watching together.

I do think the biggest thing that has helped us (especially since our BFP) is to try intentionally think of each other and offer to do helpful things--example, DH wanted to invite some of his flight school buddies over to BBQ last weekend but I was so exhausted so he did all the dishes and cleaned the entire house before and after they left. Now DH is sick so I am the one who is picking up the slack.

We also pray together too.

[allisong87]

This is a great topic and is something that I know I personally struggle with.

For the most part our quality time is spent watching tv/movies at night and talking, though I'll admit lately I'm a horrible listener.

One thing I've always struggled with is affection. I'm not a very affectionate person and I know how important it is for a relationship so it's something I definitely need to work on.

Also especially since our BFP, our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent. I need to figure out how to be the person I used to be. I don't know what happened.

I think about this stuff often, how I can better myself for him. When he was younger his dad was (and still is) a giant asshole and cheated on his mother. It terrifies me that he could do the same one day. He and his father are absolutely nothing a like but I often wonder what pushed his dad to do such a thing and if my DH might possibly get pushed to do the same if I'm not meeting his needs.

Sorry for the long post. All of you have great suggestions that I need to start incorporating into our life to keep our relationship on track!

[lgsdesigner]

Communication!! Cannot stress how important this is. We text back and forth all day on work days, call each other on our lunch breaks, call each other to just talk when driving separately, and we make sure that each night, we sit down for about an hour and chat about our day, etc. No phones. No tv. Just us.

We also do date night once a week, go to the gym together and support each other's personal goals, and still hold hands and kiss often.

We also try to ramp up our sex life by trying new things. 

[veganontuesdays]

H and I are really good about communicating needs/wants. If we feel like we've gotten into a rut we bring it up pretty fast. Our favorite thing to reconnect is putting on our favorite music, grabbing a beverage, and just chatting. I usually throw my feet on his lap and it's a time when we have each other's undivided attention without TV or cellphones. It's what brought us super close in the beginning of our relationship so every time we do it, it brings us back to when we first started dating. We also text/email throughout the day. Just simple "hey how's work?" etc. We don't need to be up each other's asses but it's nice to be thought of throughout the day. We like to take mini weekend road trips together too. Sometimes we will drive the whole way without putting on the music because we are talking. We have worked 2 jobs together, while living together and having the same friend circle, so we needed to still be able to "connect" without killing the other person. We don't work together anymore so it's nice to miss him sometimes.

[juneheart]

Our relationship is better now than it has been in the 7 years we have been together. Granted, DH can still drive me absolutely crazy but just as much as communication has helped us through it, so has my ability to just relax. I have always been so OCD and would flip if the dumbest thing was out of place or if he left 1 beer bottle in the living room. Learning to love everything about him even when it meant that I need to let things go has really, really helped.

Other than that.. we have certain shows that we make sure to watch with each other during the week. We periodically send each other sweet little texts. And before I got pregnant, one of our favorite things to do was get a little drunk on a Friday or Saturday night and play the Wii together. A little friendly competition is always fun

[beebe918]

We have a lot of room to improve in this area.

We only have time off together on Sundays and Monday evenings so it's pretty much a given that we will spend that time together, but a lot of the time it is watching TV, shopping together etc. Nothing overly out of the ordinary but then again I'm happy with it.

One thing both of us are really good at is saying thank you when the other has done something like gone grocery shopping, cleaned the house etc. Even if it is one of "H's jobs" like taking out the trash, I try to say thank you when he does it.

[hawksfan82]

I'm probably not the best at offering advice here because children haven't been thrown into the mix yet. We keep in touch a lot throughout the day. It's something we've always done since we spent the first 9 months of our relationship in a LDR, and then went through a deployment right after I moved down to be with him. It's nice to send/receive texts or emails saying we are thinking of each other. When he gets home from work, we try to spend time together (working out/running when I wasn't pregnant, walking, playing with our dogs, other "exciting" activities ). A lot of times we cook dinner together. We relax and watch TV/play games together for awhile in the evening. We always lay together and hold each other before bed. This is usually when we do a lot of our "serious" talking. We always kiss each other before going to sleep. He sets his alarm early in the morning so he can lay in bed and snuggle up with me before he goes to work. We always hold hands (in the car, out and about, just sitting at home, falling asleep, etc.) We are very touchy people. I am married to my best friend and it definitely shows in our actions.

I imagine once our baby is born, things will be much different but we have both talked about how important it is to still have time for just us. Both of us were in relationships that failed because of lack of communication or being put on the back burner and neither one of us want to do that to each other. His parents never showed affection towards each other and he hated that and wants us to still be "us" in front of our children. I'm ok with that

[amylee545]

We've been consciously trying to work on this the past few months. Since DH started his new job last year and with the baby coming, we got really bad about putting everything aside to just focus on eachother and nothing else.

At night, we put our cellphones away and watch something together on tv/movie, play a game, make dinner together, or just hang out and talk... No baby talk, no registry crap, no "to-do" list talk, just him and I talk. We go on a date once a week, usually on the weekends. Honestly, putting all the crap aside to just focus on each other has made a huge difference.

We're trying to get really good at it now so when baby comes, we're better at trying to focus on him, me, and baby and are able to put everything else aside.

[Deleted]

Wow, there's a lot of great input/ideas on here! Thank you ladies for responding! Now to make a list and see what I can incorporate into my relationship!

SO and I are at a point where I fee that neither of us feel appreciated. We don't get a lot of time away from DD, and when she finally goes to sleep at night, he immediately turns on his XBOX and plays until well after I go to bed... We don't really have conversations anymore. We don't really have a sex life anymore. It seems like he doesn't want much to do with anything I try to involve him in... So, I'm going to try some of these things and see if it will help us.

[mpiemont]

Affection & sex are a big part of keeping our relationship happy. When he "slaps" my butt or tries to cop a feel, I instantly feel attractive & sexy. I try to return the favor too. We don't have sex nearly as much as pre-kids but I make the effort to initiate even I'd rather go right to sleep. And I try not to say no unless I have a really good reason. It takes work to keep a spark, for sure.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2015 10:40:37 GMT -5 @sastahlman said:

Wow, there's a lot of great input/ideas on here! Thank you ladies for responding! Now to make a list and see what I can incorporate into my relationship!

SO and I are at a point where I fee that neither of us feel appreciated. We don't get a lot of time away from DD, and when she finally goes to sleep at night, he immediately turns on his XBOX and plays until well after I go to bed... We don't really have conversations anymore. We don't really have a sex life anymore. It seems like he doesn't want much to do with anything I try to involve him in... So, I'm going to try some of these things and see if it will help us.

Why don't you try staying up with him and watch him play; try to get interested in something he likes to do. It might not be too fair at first but its worth a try. My husband plays PS3, he doesn't play every night but when he does I sit with him and watch and ask him questions about the game and what not. He does the same when I'm reading a book. Sometimes I have to pull him off a game or he has to pull my nose out of a book. 

Also, you can't do all the trying, this has got to come from both of you. 

[hotcoconuts82]

When we first became parents, we said we would do 1 date night a month. Well, almost 6 years later...we never had 1 date night a month. We are lucky if we get 3 a year. But, we do sit down and watch tv/hang out together every night after the kids go to bed at 8pm.

[jko454]

At the moment we spend most of our time together as a family (all meals, Sunday mornings and most of the rest of the weekend, if possible). Time for DH and I are in the evenings, sometimes we will watch a movie or just TV. Before kids came along we were home bodies and didn't go on tons of dates, so not a lot has changed, and for now we both enjoy having DD around when we go out to eat etc. With two kids we might feel different! We do try and make the effort to have sexy time at least 2x a week because we both think that is important.

I do suck a little because DH loves affection, cuddling etc and he sometimes tell me I need to up my game a bit, but it's hard for me to remember because I'm not as much as a touchy feely kinda person. All that being said, he does spend a fair amount of time outside and in his garage, but I don't feel it is at the neglect of our relationship. We both need some alone time too to catch up on our hobbies and interests.

[rels09]

We're part of a babysitting coop in our neighborhood, which has been a lifesaver for us. We typically go out every other month or so, but we are trying to do monthly dates until baby #2 arrives. We also make a committed effort to do things besides just go on the internet after DD is in bed. Even just watching the same show is more "connecting" than browsing your phones separately. We try to shower together on the weekends during DD's naps, even if it doesn't result in anything more than just getting clean!

[psmomma718]

We could definitely improve on this. But I agree with PP that the little things can make a big difference. We try to text or call throughout the day when we have a moment at work. DH has a bit of a commute, so he usually texts me when he arrives with a quick "Have a good day. I love you." It's sweet to get the daily loves and lets me know he made it ok. We also have dinner as a family every night, and catch up on our days - DD loves this because she gets to tell us about her day at school, too. We're lucky enough to live near family and they enjoy spending time with DD so though it's not often we try to have a date night here and there. As long as you're communicating, even when life is keeping you busy, you can remind each other of how much you care.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2015 11:00:49 GMT -5 @ajzmommy said:

Jan 22, 2015 10:40:37 GMT -5 @sastahlman said:

Wow, there's a lot of great input/ideas on here! Thank you ladies for responding! Now to make a list and see what I can incorporate into my relationship!

SO and I are at a point where I fee that neither of us feel appreciated. We don't get a lot of time away from DD, and when she finally goes to sleep at night, he immediately turns on his XBOX and plays until well after I go to bed... We don't really have conversations anymore. We don't really have a sex life anymore. It seems like he doesn't want much to do with anything I try to involve him in... So, I'm going to try some of these things and see if it will help us.

Why don't you try staying up with him and watch him play; try to get interested in something he likes to do. It might not be too fair at first but its worth a try. My husband plays PS3, he doesn't play every night but when he does I sit with him and watch and ask him questions about the game and what not. He does the same when I'm reading a book. Sometimes I have to pull him off a game or he has to pull my nose out of a book. 

Also, you can't do all the trying, this has got to come from both of you. 

I have found a few games that I can play with him. Currently, we only have one controller though, and hes been using his headset to talk to his buddies while he plays. I ask him questions, but don't always get an answer. That's something I'm trying though, because I want to show him that I am interested in the things he is interested in. I'm hoping that when we start counseling, it will help us.

[lezzie82]

DH and I have a very passionate relationship, in good ways and bad. Our fights can be intense and very heated, but so can our love for each other. We try to make time to go out to eat and talk at home and we love watching good movies together, that's kind of our "thing" at the end of the day.

We went through a LOT of craziness in the beginning of our relationship.. I was in a wild phase because I hd just gotten dumped by my fiancé at the time.. and he had just broken up with someone and was dating this crazy girl. We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating, and things took off quickly from there.

I tend to get jealous, sometimes I make it seem in good nature but I do get jealous- I really have to try hard not to and be fair. It's not that I think he's going to cheat or do anything... but these nasty girls will just throw themselves at anyone in the music business that they think can get them access to someone famous. They are blatant, unapologetic and super obnoxious and I have always had to deal with it. So I have to check myself sometimes.

We have sex a lot, not always intercourse... but sometimes I have him go down on me only and sometimes I only go down on him lol. Sometimes to keep things fun and light I'll offer sexual favors if he does stupid things like make me a bagel sandwich or something.

[sarahdawn]

Hand jobs?