Post by breezyweezer on Jan 22, 2015 13:36:03 GMT -5
We make sure to spend quality time together; as in just us two, no TV, distractions, etc. My favorite thing to do is get a blanket, find an open field and just lie down and look at the stars together. Sometimes I will pick him up from work and already have the spot picked out, blanket set up, and a couple beers for him waiting. We have our best conversations like this. We also make sandwiches and just sit at the lake and eat and talk. When my fiance says something he likes or wants, I will make a mental note of it or even write it down to surprise him with when he is not expecting it. We play games together (which reminds me I need to make that more of a priority) And of course we try to keep the sex life interesting and make time for that.
Post by claudizzle on Jan 22, 2015 13:44:12 GMT -5
Great thread! We don't have kids thrown into the mix yet and already have our struggles, so reading all of your insights is uplifting.
What we have done to try and improve our relationship:
* Schedule date nights once or twice a month (sometimes it's less though), each taking turns to plan the night for the other. We don't tell the other person what we are doing, but we do tell them what to wear (e.g. athletic clothing for active dates, warm clothing for the outdoors, fancier clothing if it's something like a nice restaurant). The activities aren't meant to be elaborate or expensive and we actually have a max for how much the person who is planning the date can spend ($15). Any excess is split. The only other stipulation is that it can't be a movie (ie. an activity where you're just staring at a screen and not actually interacting)
* Speaking of screens, we also try to do a "no-screens-night" every one or two weeks, because let's face it, in our technology-inundated world, oftentimes when we're not engaging with people face to face, we are looking at our phones, computers, tvs, etc. So, H and I make a point to not have screens up/open after we've been gotten home from work so that we can focus on making a meal together, chit-chatting, playing a card game together, etc.
* Counselling/reading books on relationships. Ones that we have found useful or at least interesting:
- How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About it - John Gottman's, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" - Non-Violent Communication (and by "violent" it doesn't mean overtly aggressive or offensive language/communicating)
* Keeping in touch throughout the day when we're apart to just check in once in awhile
Sorry for the lengthy response! Hope these aren't too repetitive
This is a great topic and is something that I know I personally struggle with.
For the most part our quality time is spent watching tv/movies at night and talking, though I'll admit lately I'm a horrible listener.
One thing I've always struggled with is affection. I'm not a very affectionate person and I know how important it is for a relationship so it's something I definitely need to work on.
Also especially since our BFP, our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent. I need to figure out how to be the person I used to be. I don't know what happened.
I think about this stuff often, how I can better myself for him. When he was younger his dad was (and still is) a giant asshole and cheated on his mother. It terrifies me that he could do the same one day. He and his father are absolutely nothing a like but I often wonder what pushed his dad to do such a thing and if my DH might possibly get pushed to do the same if I'm not meeting his needs.
Sorry for the long post. All of you have great suggestions that I need to start incorporating into our life to keep our relationship on track!
Another pp mentioned the book the 5 Love Languages, if you like reading I'd recommend it! I'm not the most affectionate person either, and the book helps you understand the way you express your love to others, and the way others show love towards you. I think there's also a website with a little "what's your love language" if you don't want to read the whole book ?
This is a great topic and is something that I know I personally struggle with.
For the most part our quality time is spent watching tv/movies at night and talking, though I'll admit lately I'm a horrible listener.
One thing I've always struggled with is affection. I'm not a very affectionate person and I know how important it is for a relationship so it's something I definitely need to work on.
Also especially since our BFP, our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent. I need to figure out how to be the person I used to be. I don't know what happened.
I think about this stuff often, how I can better myself for him. When he was younger his dad was (and still is) a giant asshole and cheated on his mother. It terrifies me that he could do the same one day. He and his father are absolutely nothing a like but I often wonder what pushed his dad to do such a thing and if my DH might possibly get pushed to do the same if I'm not meeting his needs.
Sorry for the long post. All of you have great suggestions that I need to start incorporating into our life to keep our relationship on track!
Another pp mentioned the book the 5 Love Languages, if you like reading I'd recommend it! I'm not the most affectionate person either, and the book helps you understand the way you express your love to others, and the way others show love towards you. I think there's also a website with a little "what's your love language" if you don't want to read the whole book ?
rels09 can you tell me more about this babysitting coop? That sounds like something that is perfect for my neighborhood!
Yes! We have about 12 families as members, and to join, you have to be personally known and recommended by one of the existing members. All of the "currency" is in the form of hours, so you get another parent to babysit your child(ren) at no cost. For example, H or I may babysit for another family in the coop from 7 to 11 PM, earning 4 hours in the bank for our family. Then, we may go out for dinner a few weeks later and use some of those hours. There are bonus hours for sitting over the dinner hour or past 1 AM. The sits don't have to be one-for-one all the time, and you can still request a sit if you are negative - you just can't request one until you sit for someone else if your balance is less than -10. If families have kids around the same age and the sit is during the day, they're often set up more as playdates, where both the sitter's kids and requestor's kids play together. Nighttime sits are rarely like that, though, since everyone wants their kid to go to bed in their own bed. Secretarial duties (accounting for hours) rotate on a monthly basis, so with 12 families, every family serves as secretary one month out of the year. HTH!
I think for DH and I that it is the simple things. We always text throughout the day. Not a ton, maybe two or three times to say "miss you" or "love you". We also love sending funny pictures/videos to keep us going through the work day. We have always expressed our feelings with songs. I'm pretty good with words when I get a pen and paper in hand but DH definitely is not. Since we started dating we would send each other songs that made us think of each other. It took the pressure off of him to write letters back to me. We make a point of cuddling and listening to these songs as we find them. Last night, for example, DH got home and I had fallen asleep. He woke me up to that new Ed Sheeran song, thinking out loud (I think that's what it's called) and we just snuggled and had a moment. It has always been a way for us to stop the world and feel totally immersed in how much we love one another. We have actually decided to put together a CD with all the important songs through our relationship, and a description of why (what time in our life it was from, what it means to us etc) and will give it to our son when he is older. We have no kids and rarely go on dates. We just make a point of enjoying the time we do have alone, even if it's just groceries or movie at home. We are best friends so crazy romance has never been a big deal. We just love hanging out together. The biggest thing that works against us is picking up our phones too often. We have really been trying to just leave them in another room.
Post by medwards24 on Jan 22, 2015 23:26:23 GMT -5
I think our biggest thing is communication. I've worked out of town for the past three years, gone for 6 days at a time. When I'm gone we constantly text throughout the day and talk every night. Now that I'm stuck on office duties I'm only home on weekends (he works mon-fri too) and we literally do everything together. I'm really looking forward to spending a year at home with him and our LO.
Great thread! We don't have kids thrown into the mix yet and already have our struggles, so reading all of your insights is uplifting.
What we have done to try and improve our relationship:
* Schedule date nights once or twice a month (sometimes it's less though), each taking turns to plan the night for the other. We don't tell the other person what we are doing, but we do tell them what to wear (e.g. athletic clothing for active dates, warm clothing for the outdoors, fancier clothing if it's something like a nice restaurant). The activities aren't meant to be elaborate or expensive and we actually have a max for how much the person who is planning the date can spend ($15). Any excess is split. The only other stipulation is that it can't be a movie (ie. an activity where you're just staring at a screen and not actually interacting)
* Speaking of screens, we also try to do a "no-screens-night" every one or two weeks, because let's face it, in our technology-inundated world, oftentimes when we're not engaging with people face to face, we are looking at our phones, computers, tvs, etc. So, H and I make a point to not have screens up/open after we've been gotten home from work so that we can focus on making a meal together, chit-chatting, playing a card game together, etc.
* Counselling/reading books on relationships. Ones that we have found useful or at least interesting:
- How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About it - John Gottman's, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" - Non-Violent Communication (and by "violent" it doesn't mean overtly aggressive or offensive language/communicating)
* Keeping in touch throughout the day when we're apart to just check in once in awhile
Sorry for the lengthy response! Hope these aren't too repetitive
Fiance and I have planned on doing the no screens thing regularly for about a year now. We have yet to actually make it a priority. This thread really makes me want to change that.
Also love this thread. And it's reassuring to hear that others have then same struggles.
DH and I try to stay close but it's hard. I'm usually at work by the time he gets out of bed so we do some texting before he goes into work and lots of I love you's. We never miss a lunch text either. Usually it's me texting on my lunch and then him responding an hour later on his but in the past when I have forgotten he feels bummed so I try to do it daily.
Weekends are ours and if we have a lot of busy weekends in a row we try and plan one just for us to lounge and hang out for a whole weekend. We will do movie dates every once in awhile.
Also bedtime is tough. I go to bed much earlier than he does so he usually tucks me in (I sound like I'm 5...) but it's our time to just quickly spend time together and talk a bit or just rest for a .
DH does the same thing with me at night. Weekdays our schedules are completely different, I'm at work 3 hours before him so I have to get to bed early, especially these days. On the weekends we try to spend as much time together as we can, whether it's doing chores or running errands. We used to go out at least twice a month but that was before our BFP. What's most important for us to always communicate with each other. Having different work schedules can be hard but you can always make it work.
This is a great topic and is something that I know I personally struggle with.
For the most part our quality time is spent watching tv/movies at night and talking, though I'll admit lately I'm a horrible listener.
One thing I've always struggled with is affection. I'm not a very affectionate person and I know how important it is for a relationship so it's something I definitely need to work on.
Also especially since our BFP, our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent. I need to figure out how to be the person I used to be. I don't know what happened.
I think about this stuff often, how I can better myself for him. When he was younger his dad was (and still is) a giant asshole and cheated on his mother. It terrifies me that he could do the same one day. He and his father are absolutely nothing a like but I often wonder what pushed his dad to do such a thing and if my DH might possibly get pushed to do the same if I'm not meeting his needs.
Sorry for the long post. All of you have great suggestions that I need to start incorporating into our life to keep our relationship on track!
I agree and can sympathize with pretty much everything, including the asshole father and the nonexistent sex drive. I know there are a lot of things my DH and I have to work on in our relationship, but we do try to do monthly kid-free date nights, play games together, do errands together as a family. We try to be affectionate towards each other in front of our DD (in a totally not creepy way!) just to set a good example for her of loving parents.
Something I know I need to step up my game in is the lingerie department... He always asks me to wear sexy stuff but I just love my comfy "granny panties" too much.
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