When your SO doesn't understand (BFP warning, not mine)

[TnT10]

I have been told about two situations in the last day where two people, who did not want any more children AT ALL (this from personal conversations), just found out they were pregnant at 10+ weeks.  I was not upset by the first one yesterday, but today it just kind of got me thinking and I was just kind of bummed.  I was talking with the second girl about a month ago and just mentioned we were trying and she said hell no, that she was done (they have 2 DD); I think that is why it's bothering me as much as it is.

I called DH just to talk about it and said "Hey, can I get a pregnancy we are planning on over here?" It was kind of a joke but conveyed that it was bothering me.  DH comes back with ALL THE THINGS you shouldn't say- you just need to relax, it is God's plan, it will happen when it happens, we just need to have more sex, etc.  Literally one right after another.  He knew that he upset me, he said "I can tell I hurt your feelings because you aren't saying anything.  I am sorry, that's not what I meant."

We have been trying for six cycles and are TTA (this is the first TTA cycle) until after I see the endocrinologist for my thyroid.  I was KU first cycle with DD, so I never went through any of these feelings the first time and was terrified that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant (no basis to that at all, it was really silly looking back that I thought that).  I'm just providing this for background information, I can't be upset about not being KU if we are TTA, right?!   

My question is, how do you clue your SO/DH/ etc that TTC is bothering you more than they realize and how/ how not to respond?  I feel like we need to discuss it further because he thinks that I am too involved in all of it (and this is why I have yet to temp), but I thought you all might have some advice/ resources that may help the conversation and to help him understand.  


TL/DR- TTA for a few cycles but not sure how to clue DH in on how hard TTC can be and that "relax and have moar sex" isn't the right response when I do get bothered about something.  Advice/ resources?

[Rama]

"TTC is hard. This sucks. I hate hearing that I need to relax or that some otherworldly entity has my uterus on lockdown for some unknown reason. This is really bumming me out. Can you make me a grilled cheese?"

For me, it's just as simple as saying to my husband pretty much exactly what you said here. Most days I'm fine, sometimes I get triggered and I whine to him about how much it sucks to not be pregnant. He's disappointed, too, as I'm sure your husband is. He's never really pulled the, "Well, just relax/it'll happen when it happens/etc" lines, but when he says something that bothers me, I just tell him that. "Please don't say that, it makes me feel like it's my fault we're not having another kid," or whatever.

He's your partner. Teach him what to say and what works best for the two of you. Work with him. :) Good luck!

[shadesofgold]

This is hard and not an uncommon experience. Even the spouses that are the most antsy to be parents and the most supportive can say the wrong things. MH has never tried to dissuade me from temping, charting, or hanging out on the TTC board, and I think he is more sensitive than most about my pain. BUT, like anything else in a relationship, he can say the wrong thing. I have buttons that he doesn't see until they've been pressed. I have ways of speaking about this experience that he may not share the language for. The only thing we can do is try to be patient, assume the best of intentions, and clearly communicate our feelings.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to explain why things like "it is in God's plan" can be so hurtful, or the reasons why temping would actually help you feel a lot less anxiety and control on this emotional roller coaster, or whatever it is that strikes you the hardest about his reaction. I've learned to try to be clear about what kind of support I am looking for. For example, "I could use a little help feeling optimistic" or "I just need the space and support to be sad right now."

The same way that we have to learn not to judge ourselves too harshly for feeling the way we do, we also have to learn not to judge others too harshly if they aren't on our same page. Naming that and not judging it can be very powerful. For example, MH doesn't get why I take it so hard that someone I don't care for "gets to be" pregnant while I don't. I say "I know it might not make sense to you, but this is where I am right now and I'm trying to work through it." He was told early on in our loss experience that he would probably be able to heal faster than I would, and to watch out for his own tendency to try to move on. I can tell he is trying to be mindful as that happens, but we have had some sad and alienating moments. Our biggest help has been the ability to recognize and respect where the other person is.

Hope those ramblings help somewhat. Hugs!

[longhornwino0907]

What Rama said. All of it. You have to teach him what kind of support you need.

[TnT10]

Rama Thank you! I don't really know if he is disappointed, I've never asked. It seems to not bother him, but that is something I should ask. He has always went by the NTNP philosophy that worked the first time, so I think it is probably hard for him to support me with these feelings too. He usually confides in friends when it comes to something like this, but none of our friends planned their children so they don't even know what it's like to hope for a pregnancy. I guess we just need to have a really open conversation about our feelings, expectations of each other and so on. I am anxious about it but will just need to get over it, he is my husband after all haha! Thank you for the advice!

[becwheat]

I have explained the science behind TTC with DH. He likes to know information like that and it helps when I do get triggered.

We were recently out to dinner with DH's brother when he and his GF (no kids) said the old stand by for those TTC "Just relax and it will happen." I smiled and changed the subject.

When we got home DH already knew I would be peeved by the comment, because he knows the odds of getting pregnant and why that comment bothers me.

If he doesn't want to know about the science and logistics, then just tell him that telling a person to relax when they feel stressed or sad is not the best way to help. Just hug me and give me ice cream.

[rivers and roads]

I've found this place to be an excellent alternative to husbands who don't know how to respond to these vents.

I by no means subscribe to the "lol husbands r dumb" mindset. Mine is smart and great and usually genuinely tries to do what he thinks is best. The thing is, though, sometimes he just doesn't know what's best, ESPECIALLY when I'm crying/upset. MH wants to fix things and I have found that I need to be annoyingly explicit about what I'm doing if I'm just venting. Otherwise, he wants to find a solution and then gets annoyed when I don't like of the options. This is ANYTHING in life for us, but I've found dealing with TTC/friends getting pregnant and "surprise" pregnancies, he's just totally at a loss. He says things like "our time will come."

Rama has good advice.

For me, there really aren't WORDS that help. If his words aren't getting me pregnant, they're not solving my problem. Things that do help: "let's go for a bike ride." "Let's play a board game." and most importantly, "I poured you a glass of wine." I don't bother to tell him what to say instead of "our time will come," because the words won't fix my feelings. Instead, he's learned to distract me and get me to do something else. That helps.

Figure out what works best for you that makes you feel better and help your H learn how to use it! Good luck.

Edit: typos

[TnT10]

May 19, 2015 13:42:17 GMT -5 shadesofgold said:

This is hard and not an uncommon experience. Even the spouses that are the most antsy to be parents and the most supportive can say the wrong things. MH has never tried to dissuade me from temping, charting, or hanging out on the TTC board, and I think he is more sensitive than most about my pain. BUT, like anything else in a relationship, he can say the wrong thing. I have buttons that he doesn't see until they've been pressed. I have ways of speaking about this experience that he may not share the language for. The only thing we can do is try to be patient, assume the best of intentions, and clearly communicate our feelings.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to explain why things like "it is in God's plan" can be so hurtful, or the reasons why temping would actually help you feel a lot less anxiety and control on this emotional roller coaster, or whatever it is that strikes you the hardest about his reaction. I've learned to try to be clear about what kind of support I am looking for. For example, "I could use a little help feeling optimistic" or "I just need the space and support to be sad right now."

The same way that we have to learn not to judge ourselves too harshly for feeling the way we do, we also have to learn not to judge others too harshly if they aren't on our same page. Naming that and not judging it can be very powerful. For example, MH doesn't get why I take it so hard that someone I don't care for "gets to be" pregnant while I don't. I say "I know it might not make sense to you, but this is where I am right now and I'm trying to work through it." He was told early on in our loss experience that he would probably be able to heal faster than I would, and to watch out for his own tendency to try to move on. I can tell he is trying to be mindful as that happens, but we have had some sad and alienating moments. Our biggest help has been the ability to recognize and respect where the other person is.

Hope those ramblings help somewhat. Hugs!

This is perfect, thank you for taking the time to share!  I have been trying to get better about communicating the times that I just need him to listen, I just need to apply that here too.  I think because I am pretty sensitive to it right now I just avoid bringing any of it up all together which gets us nowhere.  This is so helpful, seriously, thank you very much! 

[shadesofgold]

May 19, 2015 13:58:41 GMT -5 TnT10 said:

May 19, 2015 13:42:17 GMT -5 shadesofgold said:

This is hard and not an uncommon experience. Even the spouses that are the most antsy to be parents and the most supportive can say the wrong things. MH has never tried to dissuade me from temping, charting, or hanging out on the TTC board, and I think he is more sensitive than most about my pain. BUT, like anything else in a relationship, he can say the wrong thing. I have buttons that he doesn't see until they've been pressed. I have ways of speaking about this experience that he may not share the language for. The only thing we can do is try to be patient, assume the best of intentions, and clearly communicate our feelings.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to explain why things like "it is in God's plan" can be so hurtful, or the reasons why temping would actually help you feel a lot less anxiety and control on this emotional roller coaster, or whatever it is that strikes you the hardest about his reaction. I've learned to try to be clear about what kind of support I am looking for. For example, "I could use a little help feeling optimistic" or "I just need the space and support to be sad right now."

The same way that we have to learn not to judge ourselves too harshly for feeling the way we do, we also have to learn not to judge others too harshly if they aren't on our same page. Naming that and not judging it can be very powerful. For example, MH doesn't get why I take it so hard that someone I don't care for "gets to be" pregnant while I don't. I say "I know it might not make sense to you, but this is where I am right now and I'm trying to work through it." He was told early on in our loss experience that he would probably be able to heal faster than I would, and to watch out for his own tendency to try to move on. I can tell he is trying to be mindful as that happens, but we have had some sad and alienating moments. Our biggest help has been the ability to recognize and respect where the other person is.

Hope those ramblings help somewhat. Hugs!

This is perfect, thank you for taking the time to share!  I have been trying to get better about communicating the times that I just need him to listen, I just need to apply that here too.  I think because I am pretty sensitive to it right now I just avoid bringing any of it up all together which gets us nowhere.  This is so helpful, seriously, thank you very much! 

Don't thank me, thank my therapist.

[TnT10]

May 19, 2015 13:55:08 GMT -5 becwheat said:

I have explained the science behind TTC with DH. He likes to know information like that and it helps when I do get triggered.

We were recently out to dinner with DH's brother when he and his GF (no kids) said the old stand by for those TTC "Just relax and it will happen." I smiled and changed the subject.

When we got home DH already knew I would be peeved by the comment, because he knows the odds of getting pregnant and why that comment bothers me.

If he doesn't want to know about the science and logistics, then just tell him that telling a person to relax when they feel stressed or sad is not the best way to help. Just hug me and give me ice cream.

You know, I have never thought to share the science behind it all with him, and that might be a really great way to approach it with him.  He knows so much random stuff, and likes to learn.  I just assumed he wouldn't care and he probably actually would.

Sorry that your BIL's GF said that, it is always such a frustrating response!  I am really glad to have found this place to know how not to respond to people and feel like an ass for the things I know I have said to others that may have upset them. 

[longhornwino0907]

May 19, 2015 13:56:22 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

[snip]

For me, there really aren't WORDS that help. If his words aren't getting me pregnant, they're not solving my problem. Things that do help: "let's go for a bike ride." "Let's play a board game." and most importantly, "I poured you a glass of wine." I don't bother to tell him what to say instead of "our time will come," because the words won't fix my feelings. Instead, he's learned to distract me and get me to do something else. That helps.

[snip]

Haha this! When I'm having a hard IF day, H knows to have a glass of wine waiting for me when I get home.

[TnT10]

May 19, 2015 13:56:22 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

I by no means subscribe to the "lol husbands r dumb" mindset. Mine is smart and great and usually genuinely tries to do what he thinks is best. The thing is, though, sometimes he just doesn't know what's best, ESPECIALLY when I'm crying/upset. MH wants to fix things and I have found that I need to be annoyingly explicit about what I'm doing if I'm just venting. Otherwise, he wants to find a solution and then gets annoyed when I don't like of the options. This is ANYTHING in life for us, but I've found dealing with TTC/friends getting pregnant and "surprise" pregnancies, he's just totally at a loss. He says things like "our time will come."

This is so so important to figure out- I for sure have to clarify that I am venting and just need him to listen because he is a solver too.  

I am glad that you have found something that works for you guys!  

[becwheat]

May 19, 2015 14:07:05 GMT -5 TnT10 said:

May 19, 2015 13:55:08 GMT -5 becwheat said:

I have explained the science behind TTC with DH. He likes to know information like that and it helps when I do get triggered.

We were recently out to dinner with DH's brother when he and his GF (no kids) said the old stand by for those TTC "Just relax and it will happen." I smiled and changed the subject.

When we got home DH already knew I would be peeved by the comment, because he knows the odds of getting pregnant and why that comment bothers me.

If he doesn't want to know about the science and logistics, then just tell him that telling a person to relax when they feel stressed or sad is not the best way to help. Just hug me and give me ice cream.

You know, I have never thought to share the science behind it all with him, and that might be a really great way to approach it with him.  He knows so much random stuff, and likes to learn.  I just assumed he wouldn't care and he probably actually would.

Sorry that your BIL's GF said that, it is always such a frustrating response!  I am really glad to have found this place to know how not to respond to people and feel like an ass for the things I know I have said to others that may have upset them. 

Yeah, she thought she was being understanding. When I told my DH about the "relax" rage I had I said: Think of it this way a doctor on call/service in the ER or emergency surgery has a 20% chance of conceiving with good timing each month. A yoga/meditation instructor ALSO has a 20% chance. (Relaxation has no statistical relation to conception)

[TnT10]

May 19, 2015 14:26:23 GMT -5 becwheat said:

May 19, 2015 14:07:05 GMT -5 TnT10 said:

You know, I have never thought to share the science behind it all with him, and that might be a really great way to approach it with him.  He knows so much random stuff, and likes to learn.  I just assumed he wouldn't care and he probably actually would.

Sorry that your BIL's GF said that, it is always such a frustrating response!  I am really glad to have found this place to know how not to respond to people and feel like an ass for the things I know I have said to others that may have upset them. 

Yeah, she thought she was being understanding. When I told my DH about the "relax" rage I had I said: Think of it this way a doctor on call/service in the ER or emergency surgery has a 20% chance of conceiving with good timing each month. A yoga/meditation instructor ALSO has a 20% chance. (Relaxation has no statistical relation to conception)

Wow, I am going to use that when we do talk.  Good to know! 

I am posting and running for a little bit, I need to get a little work done so I don't totally look like a slacker!

[Deleted]

It took a major argument between us to get things out in the open. He thought it was taking too long (6 months) and was getting cold feet. Instead, of asking questions, he was making the assumption that something had to be completely wrong so why keep trying.
We had a long talk and he now realizes that not everyone gets KU right away. He actually listens now instead of just nodding his head. Now that we are starting IF testing I make sure that he is up to date on everything. He still isn't excited to do the SA, but he knows that it's an important of the process.

So TLD;R - Be open with each other. Communicate is key. If something is upsetting you don't be afraid to say it. Also ask YH if he has questions. He may be really confused about why you are actually temping or using opks, but not know how to ask.

Last anecdote, MH was really confused last cycle about how I was getting postive HPTs two weeks after I had my period. It was because they were OPKs. This isn't the first time that's happened either. He just can't wrap his head around there being more than one kind of stick to pee on. lol.

[kayladawn91]

After our loss, my husband had a hard time finding the right words to say and would just constantly upset me by the things he did choose to say. It got to the point where he just avoided the topic and when I would cry he would just hug me and say nothing, which worked at the time. I didn't really know what I needed from him either so it was hard.

We're in a much better place now after we sat down and kind of talked about our feelings and what we need from the other person. He still says stupid comments every once in a while and put me in a 30 minute cry on Mother's Day, but I think he's starting to understand a little more what to say and not say to me in certain situations. I think communication is important to any type of understanding.

[penguin129]

You've had some really good advice so far so I just want to send you hugs. I hope you can see you endocrinologist soon.

[TnT10]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it!

kayladawn91 I am sorry for your loss! I plan to try to sit down and have a discussion this weekend with him to clarify what upsets me and what I need from him. I am glad that things are getting better for you both!

[TnT10]

May 20, 2015 13:40:38 GMT -5 W said:

You've gotten great advice. I just want to echo that this is normal. Sometimes the husband OR wife try to be supportive, or lighten the mood by making a joke and it ends up being hurtful. It's hard enough to hear friends or family members make jokes or are insensitive, but to hear your SO do those things hurts even more. It did take a long heart to heart with my DH about how hurtful things are that he says or that others say.

GL!

I'm sorry, I totally missed your post!  Thank you, DH usually does deal with things by joking about it.  I am looking forward to having a conversation this weekend about it with him so that I can let him know how I am feeling about it all!  He has worked late all week so I haven't had a chance, but he will have the whole weekend off which is rare.

I also read your blog post, and I think that it was great.  So much information for people to really understand what others are going through.  I am sorry for everything that you have been through and appreciate you sharing so much; I can imagine that was difficult to put into words.  Hugs! 

[vancitygirl]

May 19, 2015 20:14:24 GMT -5 kayladawn91 said:

After our loss, my husband had a hard time finding the right words to say and would just constantly upset me by the things he did choose to say. It got to the point where he just avoided the topic and when I would cry he would just hug me and say nothing, which worked at the time. I didn't really know what I needed from him either so it was hard.

We're in a much better place now after we sat down and kind of talked about our feelings and what we need from the other person. He still says stupid comments every once in a while and put me in a 30 minute cry on Mother's Day, but I think he's starting to understand a little more what to say and not say to me in certain situations. I think communication is important to any type of understanding.

So much this. I cried for an hour solid last week because a yoga class triggered an emotional reaction and I was unconsolable, even the drive home from the studio. My DH tried to fix things by saying lots of unintentionally insensitive things that got me angry and sad, which led to a big fight and then a fantastic discussion no honestly it helped me too. I understood what he was thinking and vice versa, and i haven't cried since. Yes, I'm still sad, but I'm not a hot mess and it's all cause of communication.
Talk it out, tell him what you don't wanna hear and what might help. TTC is hard as hell, and we women talk about things to death while men just bottle their shit up and try to use logic to solve emotional problems.
Big hugs. Love.

[TnT10]

May 23, 2015 16:52:49 GMT -5 vancitygirl said:

May 19, 2015 20:14:24 GMT -5 kayladawn91 said:

After our loss, my husband had a hard time finding the right words to say and would just constantly upset me by the things he did choose to say. It got to the point where he just avoided the topic and when I would cry he would just hug me and say nothing, which worked at the time. I didn't really know what I needed from him either so it was hard.

We're in a much better place now after we sat down and kind of talked about our feelings and what we need from the other person. He still says stupid comments every once in a while and put me in a 30 minute cry on Mother's Day, but I think he's starting to understand a little more what to say and not say to me in certain situations. I think communication is important to any type of understanding.

So much this. I cried for an hour solid last week because a yoga class triggered an emotional reaction and I was unconsolable, even the drive home from the studio. My DH tried to fix things by saying lots of unintentionally insensitive things that got me angry and sad, which led to a big fight and then a fantastic discussion no honestly it helped me too. I understood what he was thinking and vice versa, and i haven't cried since. Yes, I'm still sad, but I'm not a hot mess and it's all cause of communication.
Talk it out, tell him what you don't wanna hear and what might help. TTC is hard as hell, and we women talk about things to death while men just bottle their shit up and try to use logic to solve emotional problems.
Big hugs. Love.

I am sorry for your loss and that you went through that, I am glad that in the end it made things better between you two! 

I tried having a conversation about it yesterday and it didn't go well.  I think I might just send him something to read about it and then try to discuss it afterwards because he is very insensitive about it and I don't think that he realizes it.  I just shut down and said that we would try to talk about it again another time.  Ugh!  We will get there and I know it will make things better but man it's hard to put into words how you feel about it all, even harder since we are TTA for a couple of cycles and that announcements still bother me!  Damn feels!