feeling under appreciated, anyone else?

[daydreamernyc]

now I don't expect DH to come home and rub my feet, but wondering if any of you ladies have some small expectations on perhaps you SO treating you a little different?  

I've had my breaking point today. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like crap so I left to go to the living room. I'm achy, my eyes burn, I have the chills and a low fever(100). DH wakes up in the morning, I say I'm sick and he says "poor you" and goes about getting ready for work. 

I remain on the couch and he comes over and asks me to get our DD dressed (really?, you can't do it, is what I thought). Then I get up, go to her room, he already started and then asks me, "why do I have to drop her off at daycare?"  I just stand there dumbfounded. Mind you daycare is a 1/2 mile walk since we live in the city and is on his way to the subway he takes to get to work. 

I just feel like some level of sympathy might be nice. 

Another story.... 2 weeks ago we are walking home after picking DD up from daycare. She turns and wants me to carry her. I turn and hand DH my laptop bag that was easily 20-25lbs so I can carry our 30 lb toddler. He says, "no, why do I have to carry your bag?"  And takes a step back from the bag.  I was just speechless, thinking to myself because I'm 8 months pregnant and you are not!  I ended up carrying her and my bag. 

I'm all about equality, we both work and both share things equally but when is it ok to not be equal?

ps.  My DH is otherwise a great contributor, does the dishes, cleans bathrooms, etc.  it's not like he's lazy and does no work. 

[billyhorrible]

Some people are better at empathy than others. Nothing wrong with the latter, but they need to be told more what you need. Your DH sounds like he needs more information/communication from you. For instance, instead of getting up and getting your daughter dressed, tell him "I'm feeling awful right now, I need you to pick up the slack and get her dressed and take her to school. I can't manage it."

I'd be willing to bet this isn't a new thing, you've probably had similar complaints about him before. People really don't change, and despite our thoughts that certain circumstances will change a person, they usually don't.

[lalamomma]

DH has his moments too (as I'm sure a few of you recall from a rant awhile ago) and has been less than considerate in the past but he is being so helpful while he is here. I think it's a mix of the fact I try not to complain and that he has been away so much that he knows I need the break.
I try explaining things to him when he isn't considerate that he needs to treat me how he wants our daughter to expect to be treated. He wants a man to open doors for her and carry her bags he needs to be her example and do it for me. That said I also want her to be a strong and independent woman, so she won't see me asking for help very often so it's a balance as well. Then again 8 months pregnant DHs need to help more often. We shouldn't have to beg for help, and shouldn't have to ask all the time.
I'll give him a little pass for asking you to dress her, but the other things would have me annoyed too! It's not like he is going out of his way to take her to daycare.

[daydreamernyc]

budders, lalamomma, billyhorrible, thNk you, I think you are all exactly right, that I just need to be more direct. He is not an empathetic man (self admitted) so it's just all a disconnect.

[ladymouse]

If my husband said that about the bag, I'd say "because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than DD. Combined, this is more than twice a first time mom's weight limit." I did have to explain to DH why taking an 8 month pregnant woman and a toddler to a bar 45 minutes from home for a work going-away party (and he ALWAYS stays at least 90 minutes - last night's was about 2 hours) was a bad idea.

[ombradellarosa]

May 28, 2015 14:21:00 GMT -5 ladymouse said:

If my husband said that about the bag, I'd say "because I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than DD. Combined, this is more than twice a first time mom's weight limit." I did have to explain to DH why taking an 8 month pregnant woman and a toddler to a bar 45 minutes from home for a work going-away party (and he ALWAYS stays at least 90 minutes - last night's was about 2 hours) was a bad idea.

+1 for this. He asked you a question and instead of giving the honest answer, "I need you to carry my bag because I can't carry both" you instead gave the answer of carrying both, which was bad for you and communicated to him that he was right and didn't need to carry your bag. And then you got mad at him. I think he is acting exactly as you are training him to do by your behaviour. If you accept it and don't communicate your feelings, he has no reason to act differently.

And maybe I'm being crabby, but I think this post would have been better suited to the WTF Wednesday thread. 

[lalamomma]

The more I think about this post the more I want to be clear. I do not expect my husband to read my mind. I try my best to clearly communicate with him. If he had asked about carrying a bag I would have said something just as I would have about the day care. Not in a mean or nasty way but to try to help him understand why. I think because of that communication with my last pregnancy and in general he has a better expectation this time.
Also I try to remember I can't read his mind either so I don't want him to hold me accountable when I fall short either because he wasn't clear.