Calling All Step Moms

[Mom2Ms]

Help. I'm not good at this. DH has two boys that we never see. Long story short, his wonderful ex just became psycho and essentially made it impossible for him to see them. The last time he really saw them, she tried to get physical with him. Anyway, she has left the country. He's trying to get custody. They are coming over today. One of the biggest issues has been their behavioral problems. We have never been able to break them of some pretty bad behavioral stuff that she lets them get away with "because they are boys." Examples- extreme aggressiveness, nose picking & eating, body part scratching, belching, farting, chewing with mouth open, back talking, hitting, not listening at all, throwing things, jumping on furniture.... You get the idea. There has been no breaking these kids of any of these habits. It created issues with my DD, when they were here all the time. The other flip side of the coin is that the ex is a psycho. Last year when DDs bio dad tried to take me to court over custody, she figured out his name, contacted him, and told him I was a threat to children's safety & insinuated that I had molested them!!!! It was un-f#%king real. I've never disciplined her children or even been left alone with them! Anyway, she found out about DS head injury from when DD dropped him and she's now using that as her main argument, I'm an abuser. It's beyond all logic. So, I'm not sure what to do when his kids are here. I just had surgery, so I could just steer clear. But that doesn't solve the big picture 1) the behavioral problems and 2) protecting myself from her insane attacks. Absent the behavioral issues, I'm terrified to be around these kids, anything I say or do with them will get twisted by her. And don't get me started on them being around the baby. I know I'm extra paranoid because of his accident, but how do I allow them to meet their half brother without the aggressiveness? Thoughts? Advice?

[mishka29]

Not a step mom but.... I would pick certain behaviours to focus on and pick your battles. DH is probably going to have to be the one to really enforce the rules but you can sell it that 'these are the rules in this house'. Sorry for such a stressful situation!

[WittyLittle]

Bloody hell! I'm in no position to be giving advice, I have no idea... but I just wanted to say I admire your strength. Seriously life as a step mom is hard enough without this BS. I agree with mishka29 that DH would have to be the one too enforce but I imagine when he's not there you'll have to be consistent. Work together with them to make them take charge of bettering their behaviours and seeing the rewards of doing so?
Lots of respect for juggling this. The world is a crazy place for sure!

[Mom2Ms]

Yeah. I always let him take the lead & take a back seat. It's hard though to struggle with it. How DH & I managed to procreate with the two worst humans on the planet is beyond me.

[boxerrrmama85]

No advice on being a step mom-- but I do have quite a bit of background working with challenging behaviors. As a behaviorist, I always look first at function of behavior (attention, access to tangibles, avoidance/escape, automatic/sensory). Based on the function of behavior, implement an intervention. At the bare minimum-- if they engage in behavior to get attention=ignore! Access to stuff (toys/food)= don't give it to them based on challenging behavior. Escape/avoid= don't allow them to escape.

Reinforce/reward/praise the smallest appropriate behaviors and ignore challenging behavior (when the behavior can be ignored). Set up your house rules and enforce them consistently, let them even come up with rewards and consequences for behavior. Let your H deal with the discipline side of things. After consistency in your house, they will learn to discriminate between what's ok at your house vs. the ex's house.

Tough situation. Just be consistent and compassionate. At the root they just want each parent to be happy.

(Also, not sure what state you are in, but in certain states-- if a parent claims unfounded molestation against another parent to get custody, the accusing parent automatically loses custody.)