In-Law Advice Needed

[selma8]

Sorry for the individual (and long) post, but I'm at my wit's end with this one. Thoughts on how to approach would be greatly appreciated. At this point, I have more or less just shut down.

My in-laws are lovely, kind, generous people who I adore. They live VERY far away- like think 2 days of travel far. We see them yearly, Skype and talk on the regular, and my SIL lives just down the street, so despite being physically far, it is a very close-knit family. When they have come in the past, they stay with us in our small, 2 bedroom/1bathroom apartment. Typically their visits last at least a month up to 3 months.

Baby is due mid-June. They were originally going to come in August (as I suggested) so that things would be a bit calmer. I also go back to work around then, so I thought it was the best suggestion as they could help transition baby into daycare etc...

Rewind to a few weeks ago, tragedy hits their home town, thousands of people die, lose their homes, national chaos. I revise my original request and say, they should come when they can because obviously I don't want to be the reason they're staying somewhere dangerous. They go to my other BIL's place for a bit (which is far away and safe) and have been there for a week or so. The plan was that they would stay there until late July and then come here in August, so the timeline would be the same, but they would be out of harm's way.

For the past week or so, I've been asked fairly regularly by my SIL and DH when I want them to come. Here's my problem. I don't know the answer to that question, I don't feel comfortable answering it, and I have already answered it. I'm a FTM, I'm really nervous about L&D. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for which I have stopped medication during pregnancy (with doc's OK). DH tends to revert back to 'youngest baby in the family' when his parents are around, and I'm not interested in taking care of him when the baby is born. When his parents do come this time, they will stay with his sister who lives down the street, but I am just dreading my maternity leave being hijacked by them being over every day (they have a car and it is walkable.)

I am frustrated because I have expressed my ideal plan, and they keep re-asking the question. I have also made it clear to DH that it's HIS responsibility to communicate this to them, just like I tell my parents when he has a particular request that he doesn't feel comfortable expressing to them. I feel like each time they ask when I want his parents to come, it's because my first answer wasn't right, and this piled on top of the guilt of not just being like, come ! stay with us forever ! is making me over-the-top anxious. Coupled with my overall general anxiety and stress of the unknown of L&D, having a new baby, my job (which has been a nightmare lately) and pregnancy hormones, I don't know what to do. It feels like the whole situation is at the same time totally in my control and totally out of my control, and I just want to move into a hut in the woods with no one around until this kid is at least 10. 

[wifedeangel]

I can totally understand where you're coming from. When DD was born. My ILs (who also live in a different country) wanted to come for a month, 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after. I really didn't want them here for that long. So I told them just for the 2 weeks after. They ended up not coming at all in a bit of a huff, and my MIL hasn't quite forgiven me 2 years later for that opportunity to "bond" with DD (like DD would remember anyway). But honestly, for my first baby I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't let them come for so long, things were pretty chaotic. And my MIL can be helpful in her own way, but is a bit of a drama queen, and I knew H woild have a hard time not catering to her every need, in spite of us having a new baby, and me needing help.

Now with Baby 2, I'm totally happy to have them here for a month to help with DD, even though I'm sure it will drive me crazy. And H is in "daddy" mode now, and won't pay as much attention to MIL drama.

All this to say, keep with your original plan if you feel strongly about it. Your ILs are in a safe place, and if you don't feel like you need the help, you don't need the extra anxiety they could bring.

[holliberry28]

Is there a reason they don't feel safe/can't continue to stay at BIL's? I would tell your DH and SIL that they are their parents, so it's up to them to let them know when they should come. Maybe suggest second half of July as a compromise? I would also communicate with your H that you need him to support you as you may be dealing with PPD/PPA, and definitely speak to your OB about going on something after your LO is born. You shouldn't have to suffer if you can find an alternative that you feel safe taking (there are a few that are safe while breastfeeding I believe). Obviously, this is whatever you feel comfortable with, but ultimately, the onus should be on your husband and his sister, because they are their parents. Good luck!

[kemdupuis]

First of all, I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I feel like at 9 months pregnant, what we say we need/want should be what happens. That being said, I feel like I constantly find myself in a similar situation with my ILs and my DH. He seems to agree with me when we are having discussions, but when it comes to actually expressing those decisions, he doesn't communicate clearly and definitively. I always feel like it puts me in the very uncomfortable spot of having to be the bad guy. It's not fair, and I completely feel you.

I'm also really sorry that your ILs do not feel safe enough to return home. That is some scary stuff. Thank goodness they have others to stay with.

As for your situation regarding not wanting them around before/immediately after you deliver- I completely agree. I am a FTM too, and I have no idea how my body/mind/emotions will be during and afterwards, and I think it is only fair that we get to have some time and space to heal, get to know and bond with our LO, and just enjoy being new parents without interruption. I think that you need to sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you expect of him, and what your needs are in regards to what he needs to communicate with his parents. It is his responsibility to deal with them- you should be focusing on you. Once you've communicated what you want/need- that's it. DH and SIL and ILs need to respect that. No matter how many times they ask or make you second guess your decision, you need to stick to your guns.

That being said, I am not sure you can keep them from coming to stay at your SILs earlier than you wanted, but you can set very specific boundaries for how often they can come down to your house. You and your DH need to be on the same page when it comes to this, and he needs to support you and help communicate this to his parents. Maybe they need to call and ask first? Or maybe you can let them come down for an hour or two each day, but have a specific task for them to take care of when they arrive (help with meals, laundry, groceries, etc).

I am not sure if this was helpful at all, but please know that you are not alone. Atleast you have a place for them to stay other than your home! We live across the country, and my ILs are wanting to come stay with us immediately after delivery. I am putting my foot down, but it has been a major struggle with plenty of tears on my part and arguments with DH. I think now that we are in the last few weeks of pregnancy, he is really starting to see and understand how uncomfortable I am, which has helped a lot. Good luck to you, and know that you aren't alone! We can always commiserate here... Haha

[bruunk]

Our OB talked to DH at the last appointment about him being buffer and needing to provide me with a space to feel safe and for the three of us to bond. He and I had discussed it before, but for some reason, hearing it from the doctor made something click. DH is now totally ready to play 'Bad Guy' and say he's the reason no one can come over the visit. Maybe your doctor can talk with you and DH about needing time as your little family and support as well?

That being said, I agree with PP. You need to remind DH the next time he brings it up that you have told everyone when you feel comfortable with them staying and that now you're feeling pressured and it's not ok. He needs to be behind you 100% on this - if the IL are safe, no. 1 priority is you and baby.

[selma8]

Thanks everyone. It is helpful to hear that I'm not just being overly sensitive/a bad person. I've had these sit down conversations and heart to hearts (with H AND SIL) and they seem to understand, but then raise the question again a few days later. I just don't want to keep having the same talk with them- with H it inevitably ends in tears and me feeling like I'm in this alone. I am planning to talk to my OB about something to start once I've delivered, but I also feel like it's not about me, and everything I've read says that if you plan to breastfeed, antidepressants can be harmful. So do I just not breastfeed? It's something I have planned to do and I realise the benefits for baby. It also doesn't help that H doesn't really 'believe in depression.' He's one of those, 'Why can't you just get over it?' types.

Anyway, I do know my options, or at least where to go for more information, and I appreciate the support and suggestions from you guys. I guess I just wanted to get it out there so I didn't feel all alone /out of whack.

[holliberry28]

Jun 1, 2015 10:43:53 GMT -5 selma8 said:

Thanks everyone. It is helpful to hear that I'm not just being overly sensitive/a bad person. I've had these sit down conversations and heart to hearts (with H AND SIL) and they seem to understand, but then raise the question again a few days later. I just don't want to keep having the same talk with them- with H it inevitably ends in tears and me feeling like I'm in this alone. I am planning to talk to my OB about something to start once I've delivered, but I also feel like it's not about me, and everything I've read says that if you plan to breastfeed, antidepressants can be harmful. So do I just not breastfeed? It's something I have planned to do and I realise the benefits for baby. It also doesn't help that H doesn't really 'believe in depression.' He's one of those, 'Why can't you just get over it?' types.

Anyway, I do know my options, or at least where to go for more information, and I appreciate the support and suggestions from you guys. I guess I just wanted to get it out there so I didn't feel all alone /out of whack.

It's definitely a personal decision, but I've stayed on medication throughout my entire pregnancy and plan to continue on a low dose while breastfeeding.  There are many antidepressants that are safe to take while breastfeeding, and I would bring that up your OB/psychiatrist to see if the benefits outweigh the risks in your particular situation.

[selma8]

holliberry28, I see what you're saying, and I get that every situation is different. I guess in my case I feel like I'm not suicidal or behaving in a way that is harmful to myself, so the benefit to me would be that I feel better where the potential harm to the baby is unknown. Maybe this is also partly influenced by the lack of support from H to take any kind of medication for this type of problem (the man won't even take allergy meds) but I suppose I've more or less resigned myself to just being depressed for as long as I'm still physically connected to the baby. I don't know how I would otherwise justify taking something that could impact the baby if I can more or less 'suck it up.' Also, definitely not saying this to cause any controversy- I am fully aware that depression can be extremely harmful and that medication is the best choice for some people.

[a5swanson]

Jun 1, 2015 11:11:22 GMT -5 selma8 said:

holliberry28, I see what you're saying, and I get that every situation is different. I guess in my case I feel like I'm not suicidal or behaving in a way that is harmful to myself, so the benefit to me would be that I feel better where the potential harm to the baby is unknown. Maybe this is also partly influenced by the lack of support from H to take any kind of medication for this type of problem (the man won't even take allergy meds) but I suppose I've more or less resigned myself to just being depressed for as long as I'm still physically connected to the baby. I don't know how I would otherwise justify taking something that could impact the baby if I can more or less 'suck it up.' Also, definitely not saying this to cause any controversy- I am fully aware that depression can be extremely harmful and that medication is the best choice for some people.

FWIW, I dropped my antidepressants at the beginning of my pregnancy on a trial basis and have stayed off of them. I already have a plan with my OB to start them back up like, the second I give birth. I also plan on breastfeeding and my OB is in full support as the risk of post partum depression is pretty high for me and my previous issues with anxiety and depression. It's worth a chat with your dr for sure. 

[lalamomma]

Since I've not had depression I feel like I can't give advice on that aspect specifically. However with your H and SIL I think you just need to not talk about it anymore. If they bring it up say something like "I know we have discussed this a few times and I've told you both repeatedly how I feel."
If they push it just say it over and over and don't get into deep discussion.
On the other side you could remind SIL that they are welcome to come in town and stay with her but you won't be inviting them to your place often for awhile because you want privacy and time to bond as a family.

Their constant questioning is clearly making you feel badly and that just isn't okay.

[honeybunches101]

What a tough spot to be in. It sounds like the ILs are in a safe place now, so it's not like you are forcing them to stay in harms way. I would just repeat the same answer over and over and try to shut down the conversation. You feel August would be best, as you have explained before, and change the subject. Your ILs are adults and if they want to come early, they will. But if you are being asked your opinion, you shouldn't feel bad about giving it.

It sounds like you really need to have a conversation with DH about how he needs to advocate for you after the baby is born, regardless of if you have PPD or go back on medication. I fortunately did not suffer from PPD but I was still a hormonal mess when his parents came to town and he didn't do a very good job standing up for me. He is very laid back and didn't understand that I was collapsing and needed him to support me and stand up to his parents. Hopefully you can get on the same page soon!

[selma8]

Update- I spoke to H again last night (on our way to get delicious, delicious panda express) and I think we may have had somewhat of a breakthrough. I started by explaining what some of the potential physical after effects of birth could be, and how I basically had no clue what it would be like, but that the physical recovery alone could be quite the process. I don't think he necessarily realized this. I then pointed out that I might not be comfortable seeing people while my body healed, and that all of these unknowns were making me anxious.

He was a little defensive about his parents, but agreed that we (he) should set the lowest common denominator that people can come visit when they are invited for how long they are invited and that's it- no more. He agreed to communicate this to his parents, and he confirmed that they are not in harm's way and wouldn't choose to stay there regardless of whether I said they could come now- they have other safe places to go. He also seemed to understand that my limited maternity leave is not for playing host to anyone.

He was pretty understanding and even said thank you for being more clear with my expectations (which I've been clear about since the get go, but whatever.) I feel much better, and definitely appreciate all of your advice and support. It is strange how internet strangers can have such an impact. Thanks ladies.

[dmoney]

Jun 2, 2015 7:40:41 GMT -5 selma8 said:

Update- I spoke to H again last night (on our way to get delicious, delicious panda express) and I think we may have had somewhat of a breakthrough. I started by explaining what some of the potential physical after effects of birth could be, and how I basically had no clue what it would be like, but that the physical recovery alone could be quite the process. I don't think he necessarily realized this. I then pointed out that I might not be comfortable seeing people while my body healed, and that all of these unknowns were making me anxious.

He was a little defensive about his parents, but agreed that we (he) should set the lowest common denominator that people can come visit when they are invited for how long they are invited and that's it- no more. He agreed to communicate this to his parents, and he confirmed that they are not in harm's way and wouldn't choose to stay there regardless of whether I said they could come now- they have other safe places to go. He also seemed to understand that my limited maternity leave is not for playing host to anyone.

He was pretty understanding and even said thank you for being more clear with my expectations (which I've been clear about since the get go, but whatever.) I feel much better, and definitely appreciate all of your advice and support. It is strange how internet strangers can have such an impact. Thanks ladies.

Glad to see that everything worked out in the end and that your In-laws are not in harms way!!! Hopefully the rest of your pregnancy is drama free and you have a smooth and easy transition into motherhood!