Rewards/behavior charts

[snickers4everyone]

We have a huge problem with Emmy not staying in bed at night. Some of you mentioned reward charts and I'm wondering if that would help. If you have one, do you love it, hate it? Could you tell me what behaviors you have on it? Obviously I would put "stay in bed", but what else is appropriate for this age?
I'm thinking I'd do one that said something like "got caught being awesome" for positive reinforcement of good behavior, but after that I'm stuck.

[origamimommy]

We have the Melissa and Doug one. We have feeding the do (which he loves to do), brushing teeth, putting clothes in laundry basket, picking up toys. It really helps.

I will say it does not help for bed. For bed, we take a toy away every time he gets out of bed. He sleeps with a ton of shit in his bed, though, so it pisses him off. He's gotten better about staying in bed. It also helps to anticipate each reason for getting up (which is a million times easier said than done). But when we do remember, we talk about what's coming next, ask if he needs to potty or wants water, then do the action, then ask again.

For example:

Tyler, we are getting ready to brush your teeth. When we brush your teeth, you can't eat or drink anything until tomorrow. Do you need a drink or a snack?
(NO or yes)
(Move on)
Ok, now that we've brushed your teeth, we are going to bed to read books. Do you need to go potty again before we do that?

And so on.

I remember probably 3x a week but it makes bedtime a million times easier!

[xanthepants]

We do not over-use our chart. I think that is important at this age. It loses it's charm really fast on the days we push it too much so take that into consideration with your kid. You know you child best and find what works for them, what motivates them. She might get 1-2 per day, never more.

We have Tries a new food, Is a good helper (meant for getting ready in the morning with me), Cleans up her toys, Sleeps thru the night and went to bed good, Acted great out in public, Was good at the doctor/dentist/Babysitter, No tantrums today! on our chart.

What about helping Little brother, Set the table or other little chore you might give her?

[bliz1712]

We don't have one yet, but it's on my to do for soon. Here are a few I would do for Hanna

Picking up your toys at home and DC
cleaning up after yourself (throwing away wrappers from snacks, putting shoes away)
Eating good (not necessarily eating all your food, but not playing around and just sitting and eating the entire time)
No time outs at DC
Going to bed good
Temper issues
Tried new food

[snickers4everyone]

You guys are awesome. I think I'll figure out 3 things to work on first and see how it goes. I might also do Pom poms instead of a chart, with a reward when she fills a jar with them. xanthepants, I love the positive tone of your chart...that's exactly what I want to do.

[xanthepants]

snickers4everyone,Cosette is seriously like the most sensitive kid in the universe. If I use a harsh tone it is like the end of the world and she will cry for days. Nevermind a time out. That might take a good half hour to calm her down from. So for us, positive things work way better than me losing my temper, which is hard sometimes honestly in the moment. I'm working on it. But the chart does work pretty good for her. I think it's worth a try.

[snickers4everyone]

Jun 4, 2015 16:13:49 GMT -5 xanthepants said:

snickers4everyone,Cosette is seriously like the most sensitive kid in the universe. If I use a harsh tone it is like the end of the world and she will cry for days. Nevermind a time out. That might take a good half hour to calm her down from. So for us, positive things work way better than me losing my temper, which is hard sometimes honestly in the moment. I'm working on it. But the chart does work pretty good for her. I think it's worth a try.

Emily is almost exactly like this. She just deals with positive reinforcement so much better than consequences and punishments. I wanted to make sure it was more of a "caught doing something good" than "didn't do something naughty."
It's hard learning how to deal with anxiety/sensitivity as a parent, isn't it? You're right, it's not easy learning to control yourself in the moment. I've had to do the Daniel Tiger count to 4 with her, more for me than for her.

[xanthepants]

snickers4everyone,Totally! I never really thought I had much of a temper. But alas apparently I do. DH definitely does and he sets her off a ton and then I'm pacifying her - not a good combo. And we know it. So we are trying to work together on a better system and the chart works pretty good. Seriously last night she was being extra disgusting with her fist in her mouth and tongue on the table and we were getting frustrated trying to remind her about manners and he flipped out on her. She started wailing! For almost 20 minutes from one harsh comment. So not worth it. So instead of complementing and reward her good manners which we should be doing at the table, we slipped. This parenting thing is tough some days.

[heatherbee]

We have marbles that he earns and once he fills a container he gets to chose a reward. It takes him awhile, so the reward is something like a trip to the kids museum or a trip to get ice cream. He gets really excited when he earns a marble. I give them "when I catch him making good choices" and not for specific things. For him, that works better. I worried that if it was given for one specific behavior he would only do what was asked for the reward (that's how his personality is . I use it as a way to encourage when he makes good choices for things that have been challenging (like getting ready in the morning without me asking him 103747282 times, being extra helpful with his sister, asking for something really politely, etc). We started it after we had the baby because he needed it and we have the marbles several ones a day so he filled the jar quick. Now he gets 1 every other day or so.

[mightybee]

I love the idea of the marble jar. I think it will be good for both of us to put a greater emphasis on positive behavior. I'm going to start this today!

[jodielyn10]

Thanks for all these great ideas gals! I talked to H about it and we are going to figure out a positive behavior reward system this weekend. And xanthepants, and snickers4everyone, I hear you on the temper thing! I've had a hard time losing my temper too, and what's helped me is realizing what my trigger is. Some things I can just roll with and keep calm - but when she talks back and tells me no...that set's me off! It helps to know that it's my trigger so that when it happens I'm more self-aware and know to take some calm breaths rather then lose it.

[xanthepants]

heatherbee, I love the marble idea! That is a good one to keep in mind too. I feel like Cosette is a really good kid 90% of the day. So we could be rewarding her all the time and maybe marbles could be a way to let her do that while not blowing through the rewards all the time.

[heatherbee]

Jun 5, 2015 7:54:37 GMT -5 xanthepants said:

heatherbee, I love the marvel idea! That is a good one to keep in mind too. I feel like Cosette is a really good kid 90% of the day. So we could be rewarding her all the time and maybe marbles could be a way to let her do that while not blowing through the rewards all the time.

That's why I think it works for us. DS is pretty mellow and well behaved most of the time, but having a little extra praise when he makes really good choices seems to help him want to do so

[starfishy]

Our biggest problem time is bedtime and wake-up. So maybe I can do a marble jar so that each time I check and he's been quiet I put a marble in. Put a prize right next to the jar. I should try that.
Then wake up I can add a marble when he waits for his okay to wake clock.

Wait, I should do this among other good behaviors too, bc otherwise he flips when he can't put one in. So maybe I should "assign" a behavior that I want. Gah parenting is hard.