too young for teenagers?

[girliegus]

We are finishing up our homestudy paperwork and it has really come down to the child characteristics checklist. DH and I have had some incredible discussions while assessing our level of openness to various things, but the thing that's tripping us up the most is the age ranges. From the beginning we have been planning to adopt a sibling group, preferably 3-4 school aged kids. We knew that the chances were good that in doing so we would have a child within the sibling group be 12-13 years old and we were fine with that "pre-teen" age. However, now that we are filing out the paperwork it just seems strange to put that limit there... to potentially turn down a sibling group because they have an older sibling who is in high school. At the same time, I wonder how supportive our friends and family would be of us adopting a teenager and whether we would be effective parents for a teenager.

Are we crazy to consider this? Can we say that we are only open to a teenager as part of a sibling set with younger, school aged children? If your friend or family member adopted a sibling group including a teenager in their late 20s would you be supportive of them?

[roxy]

In my experience that age range is only a suggestion to case workers. We set our limit at 12 and still received e-mails from our social worker about kids that were well into their teens. I guess they are working on the philosophy that it never hurts to ask.

I would absolutely support a friend or family member that is looking to adopt a teen. I do think that the closer you are in age to them the harder it may be to parent.
Good luck!!

[girliegus]

I think that's what is making me most nervous, roxy. Would a 15 or 16 year-old be able to accept a 28 year-old as a parental figure?

It's probably one of those situations that can only be handled on a case-by-case basis.

[pamela]

Personally I think my limit would be 15-16 years younger than me. I don't underarms why friends wouldn't be supportive no matter what.

[Captain Serious]

Crazy, no. But I do hope that you have read a lot about what it's like to raise traumatized children. When you adopt older children, they will have past traumas, and it will affect how they fit into your family, their attachment, their decision-making process, and other things that will have an impact on your family.

I adopted two "older" children from Peru in separate adoptions. My older son was 7 when we adopted him and my younger was 5. My husband and I read everything we could get our hands on about raising hurt children. They are the loves of my life and I really can't imagine life without them, but I wouldn't be honest to say that it's been a hard road. Even with them coming to us separately (2 years apart). Even with us being as prepared as possible. We've faced unimaginable rages, difficulty attaching, depression, anxiety, and educational and medical issues together. And while every step has brought us closer together, it is not at all easy. It is worth it, but not easy.

Knowing what I know now, I don't think we could have handled a sibling group of more than two at once. And I believe that adopting a sibling group would have been infinitely more difficult than adopting them separately, when we had the ability to focus more on the new family member. That being said, I do know many families who are able to do this beautifully.

Just know that the older a child is at the time of placement, the more likely there will be difficulties in attaching and assimilating into the new home and family. This is magnified many times over the longer that child has been in the system.

I was once told to expect that attachment would take a month and a half, give or take, for every year the child lived in the system, and that it would be increasingly difficult the more placements the child had. Even still, the most difficulties are often had by children who have never formed a solid attachment to an adult or other person on whom they could rely to meet their needs. Their can be great disparity in these estimates, and attachment comes in stages and layers, but they were somewhat accurate for my children. My older son, who was raised by his biological mother in the early years of his life, took about 18 months until he finally seemed secure in our family. My younger son, who had lived in an orphanage his who life, took about three years to really get there. They both still have times of familial insecurity, though, and they are both dealing with the losses of their biological families in their own way throughout time. At different ages it affects them differently.

So, what I'm trying to say is that adopting a teen is challenging, at it's best, when they are the only child entering your home and there is no doubt that they see you as a parental figure. It is amplified when you are younger, and they may expect you to be more "understanding" and friendly to them than authoritative. All children need to test boundaries and have them stand firm in order to stay safe. The more chaotic they feel, the more they will rail against these boundaries, and the more they need them not to cave. To go through something like this with a teenager when you already seem young to them, might not give them the sense of security they need to feel safe. Add that to how difficult it can be to raise another child or two who has experienced trauma in their lives, and it would be a huge undertaking all at once.

Are their families who have successfully done it? Yes. But it's extremely difficult and stressful, and can have profound affects on life as you expect it and family dynamics. It's an extreme stressor on marriages and any other existing family members.

One thing I tried to keep in mind while we were adopting was that my husband and I chose to do so to enhance our lives and happiness. We were prepared and willing to adopt children with special needs, but we were always mindful not to get into a situation where we'd feel in over our heads. The point was to make all our lives better, and no one benefits if we found ourselves overextended.

So, this is a decision only you can make. There are people who can adopt sibling groups with teens and have wonderful lives together. I think it depends on the specifics of each match and all the people involved. Only you can know if this is right for you, and if it is, you'll know it regardless of anyone questioning your decision. But please, please only move forward with this if you have or after you have read all you can about raising hurt/traumatized children.

[Captain Serious]

Also, please don't take my post above as nay-saying. It's really not intended to be. I just want to make sure you are as prepared as possible in making your decision. I have a long list of books I'd be happy to recommend on the topic of raising hurt/traumatized children, if you are interested.

[girliegus]

Captain Serious, I definitely did not take your post as nay-saying at all. I greatly appreciate your honesty and openness because I think, when it comes to adopting children who have been through trauma, there is no room for sugar coating. One of the reasons I became a part of this community was to get advice and opinions from people who know what the process is like because they have been through it.

I would love any book recommendations you have to offer! I have read a lot about raising hurt/traumatized children since deciding to pursue adoption from foster care and have worked (obviously in a non-parental role) with children with traumas in their past in my experience as a teacher. I am familiar/have dealt with some of the issues and behaviors that can occur, but I think it's realistic to say that there is always more my DH and I can learn in order to be as prepared as possible.

[Captain Serious]

Thank you for understanding that my post was all from a well-meaning place.

The following are my go-tos for raising hurt children, in the order that I would recommend them:

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow - This book is the one that I always recommend first to parents adopting older children. It really helped us understand what we were dealing with and how to best approach it. It can be scary, because they talk about really bad cases, but it was so relatable and helped us avoid many pitfalls--especially triangulation!

Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families - This book was the first that really captured how I felt. It's more about the impact that raising a hurt child can have on the rest of the family, and was very honest. I couldn't believe that the emotions I felt were actually being written about so openly.

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors - Presents a different/new way to interpret (and therefore respond to) the behaviors of children with traumatic pasts. It was recommended to me by many parents of children with RAD and FASD, and they swear it’s the only thing that worked with their kids. Basically, it urges parents to first foster a non-punitive, non-judging, nurturing relationship with the child to quell their fears, calm them, and build a relationship of trust and respect before focusing on correcting their behaviors. This book is pretty much the exact opposite in many ways to Nancy Thomas’ approach and many of the others , but I think they all have their place, depending on the child and situation.

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD - Healing Trust (3 CD set), and Taming the Tiger While It's Still a Kitten (lecture on CD with booklet, www.attachment-store.org/taming-the-tiger-while-its-still-a-kitten.html) are good resources to understand children with attachment difficulties. They really helped me get the full understanding of the child's mentality as they go through the process. I personally felt that the techniques were too heavy-handed, but that's likely because I wasn't dealing with a child who had RAD. Still, the insight into their fear and how they act and manipulate relationships because of it was invaluable in understanding my sons. These books/CDs really made me feel like I had a better understanding of what they had to go through, how they were going to do it, and why they were acting the way they were. It made me feel more in control, because I knew what we were going through was normal, I wasn't completely messing up, and that this was all just part of the process they had to go through.


Next Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft


In addition, you might want to check out these books for insights from different perspectives.  A lot of the things I read about in these books either surprised me or didn't sit well with me when I read them, but now, I identify or understand most of what they contained:

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew - My first insight into the fact that there is pain/loss involved in adoption, and it really prepared me for some of the things my children go through and what kind of things might be triggers for their pain



Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother - Geared more toward mothers who adopted after IF, but has stuff for all adoptive mothers. Let me feel normal about some of my mixed feelings about adoption even when I felt the world expected me to always be over the moon happy

Finally, this online course helped us to get a bit of understanding about how overwhelming it must be to be a child who is removed from everything he/she knows and placed into a new environment, home, and family with no say in the matter and often very little understanding about what is happening.  It is definately worth the time:  www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/courses/with-eyes-wide-open.cfm

In the end, though, everything about adoption is on a case by case basis.  No two children have exactly the same feelings or reactions, and no two adults handle it the same way.  There are risk factors that you'll need to consider when you are presented with possible situations that serve as predictors to future outcomes and possible difficulties.  The best advice we got was to have a doctor who specializes in international adoption review the files of any child you are considering adopting.  I extend this advice to anyone considering adopting an older child.  The doctor we used reviewed everything in the children's files, not just the medical paperwork, and used his knowledge and experience of adoption to help us identify risk factors and scale the possibility of future issues that could negatively impact the family, the child, or the safety of others.  Then, knowing our parameters, he helped us decide if we felt capable and willing to parent the child.

The best advice he gave us was not to ever feel as though we were a child's only hope.  There are people with the skill set, training, and desire to parent children with every special need, and they are looking specifically for those children.  And just in case we thought it was just him trying to settle our consciences, fate proved him right when a little girl we didn't feel capable of parenting found her family while we were still waiting to find our son.

I hope some of this is useful to you.  If you have any questions, please never hesitate to ask.  I'm pretty much an open book, and am happy to share anything I've learned.  It sometimes seems like there are always new challenges to overcome as an adoptive family, so if I can make it a little easier on the next person, I'm happy to do so.

[girliegus]

Thanks for sharing!

I have read a few of those titles already, but you definitely gave me some new ones to check out too. Beyond Consequences was actually part of my coursework for my degree in education. I'm glad to see it was worth it to keep that required text. Lol.

You've given me a lot of great information and I really appreciate it. I will likely ask to pick your brain again once we are further along in the process.

[gnomesweetgnome]

You may also want to check out The Connected Child and/or the TBRI videos from the TCU Child Development people. They are geared toward slightly younger children, but they have other resources on their website that may be more appropriate for teens. www.child.tcu.edu I think is the website!

[girliegus]

Jun 11, 2015 15:01:05 GMT -5 gnomesweetgnome said:

You may also want to check out The Connected Child and/or the TBRI videos from the TCU Child Development people. They are geared toward slightly younger children, but they have other resources on their website that may be more appropriate for teens. www.child.tcu.edu I think is the website!

Our state certification classes incorporated the TBRI videos and a lot of their online resources. I've definitely go the website bookmarked for future reference.