Birth is coming up and still not quite sure how to handle BD

[jennaleigh23]

Hi all,

Hope everyone's doing well. I posted back in March as I wasn't quite sure how I was going to handle BD. At the time I was having an impossible time communicating with him/getting him to put on paper what he wanted in terms of custody. So I spoke to a lawyer and the lawyer suggested I give him deadlines. They were very reasonable deadlines and he consistently missed them. So ultimately I said.. Ok you obviously have not made this a priority in your life.. I've decided to keep you off the birth certificate. I want nothing from you. I expect nothing of you. If you want to fight for your rights, you're more than welcome to take me to court after the baby is born. 

So that was mid-April. I told him I had absolutely no interest in trying to figure out custody as I entered my third trimester as I had started getting regular/daily Braxton Hicks by week 25 and just didn't want the stress of it. Plus I had been trying to get answers from him since the beginning of January. 

At one point, he would text once every two weeks and ask how I was feeling. I would give him one word answers and he would stop texting. I told him again, "you'll get back as much effort as you decide to put into this. If you only text once every two weeks, you're going to get one worded answers." Fast forward 4 weeks I haven't heard from him since except for one drunken text that came in at 2am that said "I love you Jenna. I really do. IDK. Fuck" I never followed that one up cause really.. what am i supposed to say to that, nor did he.

So now my son's due date is creeping up and I've arranged with my hospital that he's not to be at the delivery  but I'm wondering what happens after he's born. Do I have any legal obligation to inform him of the birth within a certain time frame? If he asks to come see the baby and I allow it, am I opening a can of worms better left closed? If I refuse, am I unintentionally losing a court battle before it even gets started? If I allow him to come am I just potentially allowing him and his father into my house to berate me for keeping them out of the pregnancy?

I'm really just freaking out about the unknown.. Throughout the pregnancy I've had every right to keep him away but I know things change once the baby is born. I know my son deserves to have a father but this guy has shown literally no initiative to be involved so I don't want to set myself and my son up for heartache. 

Wondering if anyone has any advice for after birth or experiences.

Thanks!

[lolo918]

I have a similar situation with my BD as far as he hasn't been involved- communication/contact with him has been an off and on kind of thing. He has said he does want to be involved but his actions have really not shown this. I did go out of my way to let him know she was here while we were still in the hospital. I just felt like it would bother me to say he wasn't involved if I didn't give him the chance to show up. We had seen each other the weekend of Mother's day, but one week later he had stopped speaking to me again until I contacted him about her birth. He did not show up to see us in the hospital, and has seen her only once when she was 11 days old.

Since he did not come to the hospital, LO has my last name and he is not listed on her birth certificate. You do have the extra precaution of seeing a lawyer so there is some documentation of his not being involved in this process ahead of all this. I would make sure you put dates, times, and what was said onto paper to help solidify your case if you think you might need it.

That being said, here is what I found out for me, in the state of Virginia In order for him to be listed on her birth certificate now, BD needs to fill out paternity papers that need to be notarized. From my understanding also, if he voluntarily acknowledges paternity then he also cannot push for paternal/parental rights such as visitation without also being held responsible for child support. In the opposite way if I pushed for child support he could demand a paternity test to establish him as being father before he would be held responsible. Be would also be able to push for visitation. I'm not going to pursue child support unless he tries to get regular visitation, so essentially he has no legal obligation to us right now.

I will most likely file for sole custody which means I make all major decisions for LO. He could still have parental rights (i.e. visits, etc) but not be able to do something like consent for medical treatment.

[20thirteen]

Well, my situation was that my BD was cheating on me, then left me. I told him I had absolutely no intention whatsoever to keep him in the loop at all. And he did not contact me (until almost the end). After that girl almost killed him, he sent me a text. I don't even remember what it said but it wasn't "how are you doing? how's the baby?" or anything like that. I had deleted his number at this point so I didn't even know it was him. After I found out about the accident, we talked and I allowed him the opportunity to be in her life. He met her 3 times, all before her first birthday. He has since disappeared and I have not heard from him in almost a year. When DD was born, I didn't tell him, his parents didn't tell him... a mutual friend got the phone call from my dad and shot BD a text saying congrats thinking that he already knew. I was too exhausted to deal with any bullshit, his parents probably figured they'd wait to tell him? I'm pretty sure if I had to do that all over, I'd tell his parents to tell him before my mom and dad made the calls. Like you, I made sure the hospital knew he was not allowed there, I would not go back and change that.

I'm not sure you have any legal obligation to tell him when your LO is born, however, he has every right to know. I would go back to that lawyer and ask to make sure. If you allow him to come see your baby, I would document the encounter. This way if he disappears and then reappears saying that you denied letting him see LO, you can prove that you did. What I did with my BD was that I made it so that there was a group of people with us so he couldn't do anything stupid without 4 other witnesses. You might want to make a plan to have a 3rd party present in case you think you need a witness. Also, set rules that if they decide to disrespect you in any way you can kick them out without hesitation. They have no right to berate you for anything. Dude walked away while you were pregnant. That's on him, not you.

[lolo918]

Just thinking of you, jennaleigh23! I hope things are going well!

[20thirteen]

Me too, jennaleigh23, pop in and let us know how you're doing

[jennaleigh23]

I think I've decided not to inform him of the birth or to let him see the baby. I figure he's had 9 months to step up and I've earned the newborn bonding. As I've said repeatedly if he wants to take me to court for his rights he's more than welcome to.

Thanks for checking in, looking at induction in another three weeks

[freezorburn]

Good luck! Hope you are able to line up the support you need.