Wedding gift ettiquette

[thechickencoop]

Ok, I know this is going to possibly be a hot button question. Well...I have two really.

1. I'm going OOT for an old, good friends bachelorette party in a few weeks. Her shower is already scheduled for July, and the wedding is in September. Do I get her some sort of bachelorette gift? Is that a THING? The girl organizing it sent out an 'itinerary' and one day she has a beach day planned, beach bar, then bachelorette gifts and dinner. So.....huh? I mean, I can ask I guess, I just don't want to seem dense.

2. Ok, here's my loaded one - next weekend we're going to H's Aunts wedding. This is husband number....4? They live with her father (H's grandfather) and completely free-load off of him. They don't work (they are fully capable), there is hired help in the home (H's grandfather has really declined with dementia over the last few months), we just...ugh. The entire family is just fed up with them and it's really sad. The only reason we're going to the wedding is to spend time with H's grandfather and H's mom. Sooo.....does this require a wedding gift? Gah I feel like such a fuck for even asking this but I don't even know. They're not paying for the wedding, H's grandfather is, he has money and pays for eerything. So I'm just like....ahh...how does this even work?

[mustloveerica]

1. I've never heard of bachelorette gifts and I think the idea is ridiculous.

2. Get them a restaurant gift card if you want to get something small.

[butlerfan]

I haven't ever done bachelotte gifts but more a gag gift or a bottle of wine.

That seems weird for a wdding but maybe a g.c. to a restaurant?

[PepperPottsJ]

1. I have done small cutesy gifts in very specific occasions. I would say absolutely no way in hell if you are traveling for a weekend away do you get a gift, unless you really wanted to. I also think it's terrible she put that in the itinerary (for anyone's future use we did play a cute 'panty' game at one bach, we each purchased undies and the bride to be had to guess who got what, and drink if she was wrong)

2. I love mustloveerica's idea, or if they registered, something super small from there? If you are morally opposed to getting them a gift, I would say at least make sure you give them a card.

[Ruca]

1. For my bachelorette party I got some sexy undies, lube and some bedroom chocolate syrup stuff. I guess if you wanted to get her something you could go that route but I don't think it's necessary.

2. +1 on the restaurant gift card

[mrsjene]

1. HUH? What the hell is a bachelorette gift? Am I out of touch with the times?

2. I second a gift card.

[titania]

I have done gag gifts for a bachelorette party, but nothing more than a few dollars (like plastic sunglasses or a ring pop) The organizer told us though what she had in mind for "gifts" and people volunteered to get something if they could. Maybe you should ask?

I think you could get a nice card with a bottle of wine or a picture frame. In my opinion a card with a lovely message would probably be fine in this case.

[mugster]

2. Yes it requires a gift, as much as any wedding does. If you don't like them don't go to the wedding. The fact that you are using their wedding to see other relatives doesn't change anything. #stayclassy

[pinkcat]

In my area, small bachelorette gifts are pretty common. It's normally something like a cute or funny pair of underwear, maybe lingerie for the honeymoon, or something similar. All of the bachelorette parties I've been to have had this, maybe it's just a regional thing? My go to gift when I attend these is some of the cute underwear that Victoria's Secret or Target has that says "Just Married," or something along those lines..Target has some nice and inexpensive options.

I'm not sure about number two, but I think the gift card idea PPs mentioned above is a good one.

ETA: While bachelorette small gifts are common in my area, I wanted to add that it is NOT frowned upon at all if one isn't brought (at least in my experience) For most parties that I've gone to, I would say about 50% of the girls brought a small gift and the other 50% did not-so it was really up to the guests and what they felt comfortable with.

[housecarder]

1. I think it's rude that she put it on the itinerary and never have done a bachelorette gift unless there was a game or something like the underwear game. Although I've had several friends do a dinner and bridal shower followed by the bachelorette party for those who drink so maybe that's what she is going for.
2. I'd say a card and/or something small is fine. When I remarried I had several family members who did this and it didn't bother me at all, I invited people to share my day, not receive gifts.

[jags8]

1) I received a few gifts at my bachelorette party. Mostly just lingerie (thanks Mom....), and some jewelry? But I would have by no means expected gifts.

2) I would just do something small...like $20 max.

[doodler]

1. It is common to give a gift with my friends. Usually it is either some sort of game like PepperPottsJ described, or the person throwing the party will usually request a lingerie gift of some sort and send out the bride's sizes. As I am writing it, I am realizing that some people will probably be appalled that gifts are requested but it is normal for us and I have never batted an eye about it.

2. Regardless of the circumstances, if I was attending the wedding I would bring a small gift.

[goldenlove3]

1. We do bachelorette party gifts in my group of friends. I usually just give a gift card to Victoria's Secret or DSW. I've seen people give things from lotion sets to sex toys. Lingerie is typical too but those hardly ever get used (from my experience and what I hear from everyone else).

2. I would probably give a small gift but they sound pretty ridiculous.

[NariaDreaming]

1) if you feel so inclined, get some sort of fun bedroom accessory
2) I'd give them a card and a restaurant gift card, if anything. I have a cousin who is like this (he's in his 40's now) - at wedding #3, his dad turned to the groom's younger brother and said "this venue is nice. Wonder where he'll have the next one at..."

[joy]

1. No. You do not have to get a gift. Seriously. This id coming from a place of etiquette - Nooooo! You don't!

2. Gifts are not required at a wedding. I think I would probably get them a nice card and a small gift card to a restaurant. But, if you can't afford it, then there's nothing wrong with a card.

Gifts are up to the giver. They are to be given at the giver's discretion and on the giver's budget. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Anyone who thinks they can dictate gifts are poorly mistaken.

[joy]

Jun 12, 2015 7:16:58 GMT -5 mugster said:

2. Yes it requires a gift, as much as any wedding does. If you don't like them don't go to the wedding. The fact that you are using their wedding to see other relatives doesn't change anything. #stayclassy

Technically, weddings are not gift-giving events, hence why it is acceptable to host your own wedding. Gifts have become traditional, but no one is breaking etiquette by attending a wedding and not bringing a gift.

I do think a card is nice even if you can't afford a gift but it's still not against etiquette to not give anything.

Gifts are up to the giver not the recipient.

[wannabmama]

1. I have had bach parties that are more like showers, mostly lingerie type gifts, but the vast majority have not been. We did do a hilarious panty party where she had to guess who got what and people got really creative trying to throw her off, it was really funny...but I digress. Since it's in the itinerary I'd say get something small...it's Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale, maybe you can snag something at a good price.

2. Yes I agree you should get something. If they like wine or something that's nice with a card and/or some glasses or something? Picture frames are also nice. I don't really think you can ever forgo a wedding gift...

[joy]

Jun 12, 2015 8:02:53 GMT -5 wannabmama said:

. I don't really think you can ever forgo a wedding gift...

Traveling can be very expensive and depending on when/where the wedding is, then days off of work are also costly.

You always give a gift that you can afford. If that's a card, then so be it. Anyone who gets upset (ie bride and groom) look like children who think the world revolves around them.

[lgraceh]

Jun 12, 2015 7:10:46 GMT -5 PepperPottsJ said:

1. I have done small cutesy gifts in very specific occasions. I would say absolutely no way in hell if you are traveling for a weekend away do you get a gift, unless you really wanted to. I also think it's terrible she put that in the itinerary (for anyone's future use we did play a cute 'panty' game at one bach, we each purchased undies and the bride to be had to guess who got what, and drink if she was wrong)

2. I love mustloveerica's idea, or if they registered, something super small from there? If you are morally opposed to getting them a gift, I would say at least make sure you give them a card.

We are doing this at the bachelorette I'm planning. I said that I would like to play this if anyone would like to participate. I also said that no other bachelorette gifts were required. I know that you shouldn't tell people how to spend their money, but I was hoping to not have people feel like they are obligated to shell out for a million things. I hope I didn't offend anyone!

thechickencoop, I personally would bring a gift. It depends on the girl, but anywhere from a "naughty gift", to something special. I've done VS massage oil and lip gloss before (purchased at the semi-annual sale!) so it wasn't raunchy. I've also gone in with another girl and bought the bachelorette a monogram necklace with her new initials. I do think your presence should be more than enough at the weekend long travel required bachelorettes! I have no ideas for your family wedding. I completely understand your frustration. Maybe just a bottle of wine?  

ETA: spelling.

And to clarify, I hope my telling people gifts were not required is not offensive. 

[thechickencoop]

ooooh, I wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly. It was kind of a post and run so I'm excited to read and reply when I get home in a little bit! I'm really lost here lol.

[joy]

Jun 12, 2015 8:22:37 GMT -5 thechickencoop said:

ooooh, I wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly. It was kind of a post and run so I'm excited to read and reply when I get home in a little bit! I'm really lost here lol.

I (clearly) have strong feelz on this topic. There's a lot of entitlement being thrown around these days under the guise of "etiquette." That girl volunteered your money and that makes me angry. She had no right.

[akraus2015]

::Lurking::

1. Small gifts for bachelorette parties are very common in my neck of the woods. Most hostesses put something on the invitation, such as lingerie size or something. I received a combination of things at mine. One of my bridesmaids got me a pink Thirty One cooler and filled it with booze for the bus ride. One friend got me a penis necklace and sexy dice game. I also got some lingerie. However, some friends did not bring a gift and I didn't think twice about it. I think its optional.

2. I like the idea from PP about a bottle of wine and a nice card.

[LadyNymeria]

1. No, you don't need to do a bachelorette gift. My BFF/MOH bought be a couple cute/sexy pj sets and gave them to me at my bachelorette party, but she did so because she wanted to. No one else gave me a gift and I never would have expected any gifts! Same with my FSIL - her MOH bought her a Victoria's Secret gift card and gave it to her at her bachelorette party, but the rest of us BMs didn't get her anything.

2. I personally would at least bring a card. If you feel like you need to put something in it, I like PPs suggestions of a restaurant gift card. But in this situation I might just bring the card.

[samanthasays]

1. I got a few gifts for my bachelorette party, but I definitely did NOT expect any. You can safely forgo that one.
2. A gift in that case sounds ridiculous. What could she possibly need? On principle I would not bring a gift. After 3 weddings one can only have so many picture frames and gravy bowls. And I do not buy into the idea of getting a gift just because it is "expected". That is a selfish and childish expectation and I do not feel it is my job to fulfill it.

I have been married twice. My first wedding we were moving out of our parents house and in with each other. We needed everything and I was so grateful for our registry being fulfilled. My second wedding I didn't need or want anything but my family and friends around me to celebrate my love for my husband. Your presence is enough of a present.

[Deleted]

1. If you are the person throwing the party then give a gift, but you are an out of town guest for a bachelorette party I think your presence is enough of a gift. I think this is similar to the same idea of gift giving for an adult non-milestone birthday party at a bar; for example, I have a friend that has a big bash every single year. I bought her a small gift for her 25th and 30th, but not her 23rd or 31st.
Buy some rounds, throw in on the meals, but an extra gift isn't necessary.

2. It's her 4th wedding. They are not financially independent and it is does not sound like they have plans to be anytime soon. I think a card is sufficient.

[27alex]

1. It must be a regional thing because my bachelorette was a lingerie shower. That being said, it was dinner out and drinks not an entire day of spending money. I would say a gag gift or booze in this case is perfect if you feel like you must bring something. If it were me is keep it under $15 because I hate showing up anywhere with out something.

2. If you're going, get something. If you have strong feelz about giving a gift, don't go and see DH's mother and grandfather another time.

[zombiesquad]

Gifts are never a requirement. Thats why they are called gifts. Give a gift because you want to, not because you feel obligated. I like giving gifts regardless of the occasion. Like others have said, if it's just a card, then that's totally acceptable.

As far as gifts for a bachelorette party, I've done gag gifts or lingerie/things for the bedroom.

[PonyGirl]

Jun 12, 2015 7:40:55 GMT -5 joy said:

Jun 12, 2015 7:16:58 GMT -5 mugster said:

2. Yes it requires a gift, as much as any wedding does. If you don't like them don't go to the wedding. The fact that you are using their wedding to see other relatives doesn't change anything. #stayclassy

Technically, weddings are not gift-giving events, hence why it is acceptable to host your own wedding. Gifts have become traditional, but no one is breaking etiquette by attending a wedding and not bringing a gift.

I do think a card is nice even if you can't afford a gift but it's still not against etiquette to not give anything.

Gifts are up to the giver not the recipient.

We didn't get actual gifts at our wedding, we got cards and some money. So to echo Joy, no, it is not required.

[ohinvrtedworld]

I feel SO validated after reading you guys' responses. Growing up and getting married in FL, no one gave me any bachelorette gifts, but when I moved to MI I was sorely embarrassed to find out that everyone bought gifts for bach parties and I had no idea! I'm glad that I'm not crazy for thinking that they're not needed.

I say it's up to you if you want to get gifts for either of these situations. I tend to get a bottle of wine when I'm up in the air about what to do.

[thechickencoop]

Phew ok guys, thanks! So I guess I may look around for something small for the bachelorette. It's frustrating because it's OOT, FOUR days (Thurs-Sun), and it's in a place where NONE OF US LIVE. LIke, no one. Everyone is living/working/from/college/etc all 'here' and were all flying 4 states away for some reason. I have no clue. But it will be a nice trip away which I do desperately need, so there's that at least.

And a gift card is an excellent idea for the wedding. Dunno why I didn't think of that! Problem solved.