NWMR: Mean girls :(

[chicagolaura]

I thought we had more time until we had to deal with mean kids but apparently our time is here. DD has a girl in her preschool class that has been just plan nasty to her since day 1. DD is a friend to everyone and seriously has never had a problem with anyone in school, at park, with my friends kids etc. This girl seems to like to have power over the other kids in class and tries to get them to do things they aren't supposed to do just to laugh at them. At one point she got the girls to cut a hole in their own pants and cut a bit of hair off of each other. Teachers fixed that situation right away but she still is so horrible to DD.

She tells other girls not to play with DD right in front of her even though the girls seem to want to play with her. She tells them to tell her no and to go away. She calls all of her pictures ugly, tells her she can't sit near her etc.

Today she told DD she was having a birthday party and DD wasn't invited but then told DD if she "stuck her finger in her butt" she would be allowed to come. WTF?? That sent chills up my back and makes me think there is way more going on with this girl.

I immediately put a phone call in to the school when I heard that. Teacher will call me tomorrow when she gets in.

This does not seem like normal preschool behavior to me but maybe I'm off base. Is it? I really don't want to be overreacting crazy person but this just is too much for me. I don't want this kid around my kid anymore but I dont think I have much say in that other than to pull DD from an otherwise amazing environment. Would you ask teacher to keep this kid away from her, expect them to call other parent, shadow (an almost five year old???) or would you just see this as normal.

[chicagolaura]

Jan 23, 2015 0:07:38 GMT -5 privacy said:

There were some mean girls in DDs class last year that thankfully graduated. Some of what you describe seems normal - the you can't play with us. Not liking pictures etc. the finger in the butt seems older but I'm not sure

My DD does really well internalizing lessons from books and we have a few on the mighty girl list www.amightygirl.com/mighty-girl-picks/top-books-on-bullying-prevention-for-mighty-girls?age_range_filter=8 (odd velvet and spaghetti something and Stand Tall (think that's the name).

I also enjoyed "little girls can be mean" for my own information and helping DD through it.

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do to stop it, but you can help your DD to see the mean girl for what she is and not let it bother her

Thank you for your response. We do talk with DD a lot about the situation and do our best to help her figure out what she should do when this girl starts up. I hadn't thought about the book route so thank you. I will pick those up.

I really feel like at 4 she needs her teacher to be aware of this/help minimize it to some degree. hopefully the teacher will be able to have a plan for in the classroom. I really hope this girl moves on to the public school for kindergarten next year but there is a chance she could still be there (Montessori so they are preschool and kindergarten together) DD still has another year of preschool.

[somebabiesmom]

Holy Jeezus. Someone needs to get into this mean girl's home and see what's going on there!!! Have teachers not followed up on this?!?

I would try to approach this from the perspective of having DD show her some compassion - the whole "Kill 'em with kindness"/"Everyone is fighting their own battle" approach. Hopefully that doesn't get her beat up. JK.

I have no idea what I'm talking about though. My kids are super young still. A kid did try to start something with my sweet DS, though, at our doctor appointment the other day. It was crazy. DS went up to this boy (who was his size, looked the same age) and did that wonderful intro scream that kids seem to do. Apparently it scared the kid, so he put his hand up and swung (and missed). DS backed up, then the kid started toward him as if he was going to push him. So I swooped in between them, picked up DS, and said pointedly that hitting is not nice. The mother (possibly a social worker) stayed on her phone. Then I talked to DS about whether he was scared and that some kids are not nice. Hopefully that was enough...

Bit of a digression...

[litzo27]

That sounds outside of the realm of what is normal for that age (with the caveat that I only have dealt with boys so far). For now I would follow up with the teacher - listing all the instances that you listed above and asking what their plan of action is. I also like the book ideas above.

[tmclawchick]

Ughhhh.... I'm really sorry you and your DD are going through this. As PP said, a lot of it does seem pretty standard (unfortunately...), but I'm also alarmed at the "stick your finger up your butt" comment. I'd be talking to the teacher and reaching out to the parents about that one (I'd certainly want to know if DS said something like that. Wow..). How is your DD handling all of this? DS is going through a similar situation and it sucks to see them hurting. Wishing you all the best.

[arkansasmom22]

I definitely think you need to have a conversation with the teacher about what is going on. My concern would be the teacher is not fully aware of the situation and you can work with them to come to a solution. The teacher may have insight that this other child was the victim of these actions and is now reversing roles. The teacher may be able to address it with the whole class through lessons, and can speak with the girl's parents so they can work on a plan.

Maybe this child has older siblings and has heard that type of stuff before but really doesn't understand it. And for what it is worth, maybe your daughter isn't telling you everything. I know my son sometimes tells me things and about 75% of it is accurate, or I only hear the side where he is affected and now how he maybe did something to someone else.

One PP said they need to see what is going on in the child's home, please don't blame the parents. My son was a biter, and only did it at school and we would talk about it at home (we use our teeth for eating, smiling, etc.) and it didn't seem to make an impact, and I felt helpless. It turns out through reviewing the bite reports, he likes his own personal space and kids were getting up in his face or touching him (like PP described their child did to someone else) so as a defense mechanism he would ask them to walk away (Montessori school so that is their method) and if they didn't he would bite so then of course they would go away. By working with his teacher we resolved the issue, they worked with all the kids in the class and talked about giving their friends space and using their words/listening to words.

[k3am]

DD isn't old enough to experience, but when I first read it, it sounded like normal kid behavior. I also want to say that while you think your kid is a perfect angel and would never do anything to warrant a kid not liking her, keep in mind, you're not with her 100% of the time.

The "stick her finger in her butt" comment is disturbing. There's nothing you can do about it other than report it to the teachers, but it really makes me question the genesis/intent of the question. It could be harmless or could be an indicator that there's something more sinister going on in this child's life. If it's something bigger, the teacher may or may not know what's going on in this child's life - but you'll never know, and you shouldn't.

[legomyago]

I would be really concerned about the sticking her finger up her butt issue. That is a huge red flag - it is possible that either that girl has had that issue herself as a victim or she is participating in some grooming behavior. That needs addressed immediately.

[2chatter]

In our case, none of these reports from the kids were totally accurate. Things don't occur in the vacuum that the kids report. If you know the parents I would set up a play date and see how the girls are and the parents are. That has shown me a lot - a parent reached out to me concerned about how DD was treating her DD and I was freaked out. Met at a playground. The other little girl, who said DD excluded her, refused to play with DD. She wanted to play alone. She was caving to her mom's pressure "who did you play with today" when saying things about DD. That one was a relief! In another circumstance my oldest had issues with a boy seated next to her. What she did not tell me is he is special needs, has a full time aide and no one had explained to her these things - she was taking things very personally and really, needed to understand that when he looked at her and said "you are stupid" or poked her with markers it had nothing to do with her and she needed to let the teacher or aide know. I am pretty sure that this girl does SOME mean things - but I am willing to bet there is much, much more to the story. The teacher should be able to provide immediate insight if there are big issues; if not, she should be able to provide you with more detail after paying special attention to this.

The finger comment - I don't know what to make of it but will say that there are a surprising number of families that find potty humor/bad words/gross things amusing. Offhand, this sounds most like that to me...

[mustardseed2007]

I don't have any advice but this just turns my stomach. DS starts in the early childhood class at his school - ages 3-6. It's hard to imagine this kind of thing going on there but I think that's my naiveté talking.

They just had a course for parents of girls yesterday evening that was all about "mean girls". I lost track of time and didn't realize when it was until yesterday morning so I didn't go. Now I regret it! But it looks like the course was going over a book called "No More Mean Girls". I just looked it up on amazon and it is apparently a book designed for use in classrooms and after school groups.

[tas1883]

I'm hoping the teacher gives you some great insight today and a game plan. DD hasn't had to deal with mean girls yet 3.5 but that is because out of the 10 kids in her class there is only DD and two other part time girls so she is in a classroom with mainly boys. I get a lot of "the boys won't let me play with them because I'm a girl" and "mommy why can't I be in the boys club". This has gotten a lot better as the school year has gone on as the teacher is encouraging the kids to play all together and not leave anyone out. I still get the occasional the boys were so mean today they kept hitting, pushing, biting each other and me so I stayed away and played by myself. On those days I always remind her that she needs to use her words and tell her friends that she doesn't like playing that way and to please stop or no thank you.

[doodler]

I have no advice but it scares me that one day I will have to pull my head out from under a rock about this issue. I have two nieces with disabilities and I am very scared for them. I have taught special education for 10 years now and I know how hard it can be. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully the teacher can provide some insight and help diffuse the situation.

[emmaswan]

I'd talk to your DD's teacher for sure, just to make her aware of the situation if nothing else. My DD's in first grade and has been dealing with that shit since preschool too. We moved when she was in K, but there's this one girl who every time she tells me someone was mean, I know exactly who she's talking about. Fortunately letting her teacher and her after school care teachers know, they're able to keep an eye on the situation and intervene when necessary (the big problem is that this little girl would throw sand in my DD's eyes every single day! Little brat.)

[chicagolaura]

Thanks all. I was really upset when I wrote my original post. We had been helping DD through all of the examples On our with the exception of the scissors and now the butt comment. They monitored and saw it was the girl instigating the cutting even when others were saying they didn't want to.

I really truly do understand that my DD may not be totally innocent in the situation. We were on the other end of this when she was younger (2ish) and she would push other kids etc. I know she isn't flawness and I know she could be holding back information. I just want the teachers to figure out what is going on so I can help her however possible or at least lighten the amount this is happening.

DD is waking up at night scared and freaking out about going to school and babysitter says says she is angry when she gets home from school because of all that is happening. That is just so not like her at all. I certainly don't blame anyone's parenting on any of this. To me calling home isn't about blame. It's about making parents aware of what is happening when their child was away from them. I would want to be made aware of my DD saying those types of things!

Thanks again. I really appreciate your advice.

[redwine410]

I'm so sorry. I have no advice since I don't have a preschooler yet, but I just wanted to say sorry and I really hope the teacher and you can figure out what's going on. Hopefully the situation can be resolved quickly.