++++ Weekly Check In - 6/16/15 ++++

[icequeen]

Good morning, y'all!

Hope y'all are having a good week so far. Here is our weekly check in, so feel free to update us on how you have been doing with your mental wellness. Please also be sure to read the pinned and locked thread at the top of the page titled "New to Mental Wellness? Read This First!", as it lists common trigger warnings we hope to enforce on the board. I apologize for not using them when I discuss my ED but seeing that it is on the list now, I plan on starting today. Please PM me if you would like to be tagged as a reminder for participation. I'm looking forward to hearing from y'all!

flcl, mrsb1008, yoshijo28, @rocknrollfriend, @wallflwr926, @ordinaryamy, runnergirl812, helloamanda, @giamia923, snarkysparklefart, @alleykat05, bluerainfire, sko14, @erin2021, spencer1337, RedDDD, juliayadda, motownthrowdown

------------------

Please state your diagnosis and/or status:

How is your week going?

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share?

Any changes in medication or recent appointments?

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer?

[icequeen]

* Pregnancy/ED mentioned *

Please state your diagnosis and/or status: Anorexia/Bulimia Nervosa, GAD, PPD, dissociative disorder

How is your week going? It's going a little better. DH and I had a pretty serious argument and it was really hard for us to turn it around and reconcile from both ends. I also got a call from my OB office saying that my electrolytes were off again and that I should stay more hydrated with Powerade and Pedialyte otherwise I would need an IV. I am terrified of going to the hospital again so I'm going to do my best this week until we redraw on Monday.

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share? I struggled with my anxiety, guilt and shame a lot this week and had a fight with MH. I was at a point of having suicidal thoughts a few times a day and I had a very hard time managing my meals. I also had a period of bad morning sickness which contributed to my vomiting. I was able to mentally reset after talking to DH and I decided to prove to myself that I could go one whole day without ED behaviors. I was able to do it, and I was very proud of myself. I am more motivated to recover again instead of being anxious about how I will handle changing my behaviors.

Any changes in medication or recent appointments? Prozac 80 mg, which is higher than my previous dose, appointment with OB on 6/22, appointment with therapist on 6/19.

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer? I'm excited to go on a lot of weekend trips with DH and DD, and to see my baby growing. I am also excited to be more mentally prepared for my ED recovery and I hope to continue getting better.

[yoshijo28]

Morning!

***eating disorder/behaviors mentioned***

Diagnosis: anorexia, ocd, anxiety

How is your week going? I was feeling ok but overdid it yesterday so don't feel so great today. However I've been doing better at being happy at work and focusing better.

Accomplishment: I told my mom some of what is going on. I eluded to the fact I have an ED. I was feeling a tremendous burden of guilt trying to keep it a secret and it was so hard for me to tell her. I kept it vague but told her I'm seeing a therapist for it. It was kind of the elephant in the room but no one wanted to confront me about it.

Struggle: We went to a children's birthday party last weekend. It was hard for me to be around pregnant women and young kids. I know that even if I get better I still can't get pregnant for another 6 months or so (we need to do IVF and are waiting for coverage). I also have social anxiety and was uncomfortable about being 1.5 hrs away in a huge public place with people I don't know. I also have anxiety about public restrooms so it is very scary for me to feel "stranded." The party was pretty awful and I couldn't wait to leave.

Changes in meds/appointments: None

GTKY: DH and I are going to Punta Cana in a month! It's a much needed vacation and I hope it will bring me a sense of normalcy.

[kaeguri]

icequeen, I don't know if you like it, but pineapple juice and coconut water with some lemon juice is great for rehydrating. Tons of electrolytes and stuff. I get dehydrated so fast now, it's insane. I'm sorry you had a rough week, but glad you accomplished a full day!

yoshijo28, telling family is always hard. I know my mom used to pretend like I was perfectly normal and just making it all up/exaggerating. Also, jealous over Punta Cana!


*Pregnancy mentioned*

Clinical depression, GAD, ADD, BPD So many acronyms

How is your week going? Really shitty. On top of my stress over my potential heart issues, stressing over prepping for baby's arrival, the overall sense of impending doom and panic now that I have less than 8 weeks left- my cat disappeared. Ran out the front door. He's been an outside cat before, but we just moved here late April and I wasn't comfortable letting him out just yet since it's an apartment complex near a high traffic area. I've been a hysterical mess, crying nonstop, completely lost my appetite, don't want to function.

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share?Not really my accomplishment, but DH has been amazing. Helping me search for the cat, interrogating the apartment staff and neighboring apartment management. He's trying to be super supportive and I appreciate it so much. I actually forced myself out of the house to go see a movie yesterday too. Usually, I tend to wallow in my own self misery and clam up, but I'm trying to stay open and so far, it's been slightly successful. My BPD tendencies/habits are starting to creep back in slowly too. I've been successful at forcing myself around them, but I don't know how long the rational/logical side of my brain is going to last.

Any changes in medication or recent appointments? I saw a cardiologist today, got an EKG. Results were inconclusive, so I get to wear a heart monitor and have an echocardiogram scheduled for next month. And I'm actually looking forward to meeting my therapist. I need to find a way to work through this stress and anxiety.

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer? Meeting my little squish! Finishing the nursery.

[icequeen]

yoshijo28, telling your family and being open about your illness is such a brave step and I know it had to be addressed sooner rather than later. I'm so glad you took the initiative to do so and your family no longer has to question how you are doing. I think by putting yourself out there like that, you are really making yourself vulnerable to recovery, which is a good thing. I know you are kind of swaying back and forth between wanting to totally eliminate ED from your life, and by admitting you are getting help for a problem is really huge. You are showing ED you are stronger than he is, because you know he doesn't want you to get better. Way to fight!!

kaeguri, I am SO sorry about your cat. That is terrible and I would be worried sick too. I'm so glad YH is being helpful and supportive. Have you also checked with animal control or local vets to make sure they know to look out for the cat, if they haven't seen him/her already? I really hope you find your kitty You are working so hard to keep your symptoms at bay and to lead a "normal" as possible life, which I know is extremely hard to do when you just want to be by yourself and cry. I really hope you lean on YH and on those who you trust and are your support system. Let them know how are feeling like you have been doing and don't give up on yourself. (((HUGS)))

ETA yoshijo28, you will love Punta Cana! LOVE! Be good to yourself there, it will be worth it.

[KayVeeKay]

Diagnosis: PPD

My week: Not so awesome. I visited a place for the first time since everything happened that gave me a lot of anxiety. At first I was just uneasy, but the longer I was there, the more uncomfortable I felt. I ended up practically running out of there, but I still felt upset and broke down crying when I got home. My nightmares, which had dwindled down to a few times a month, have now become several times a week. I'm also getting pissed off more easily, so I'm wondering if AF is about to make her triumphant return.

Struggles/accomplishments: I keep revisiting all the little things that I wish I could have done differently months ago. I find my thoughts straying to "what could have been" territory when I'm not keeping myself occupied with other things. On the better side of things, I have started to again be able to keep my wits about me when it comes to talking about upsetting topics.

Meds/appts: I have another appt with my SW tomorrow if she doesn't cancel again. I talked to my psych on the phone today and found out that it's not her keeping things from me but instead, the clinic isn't doing things like it should. She's going to see what she can find out.

GTKY: Shooting off fireworks at the 4th of July!

[icequeen]

KayVeeKay, I'm so sorry you had a such a bad experience at the event. I hope that if it happens again you will be more mentally prepared, or just avoid that place altogether if that is an option. Perhaps if you do have to go back, you can bring a supportive friend or YH with you. i am really glad that you are still finding a positive about your behaviors and are more willing to confront your challenges. Great job! ((HUGS))

[runnergirl812]

Please state your diagnosis and/or status:
GAD and panic disorder
How is your week going? Not so bad. Not great, but not bad either. I'd give it a 5 out of 10. Hanging in there.

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share? Ongoing struggle is my job. But an accomplishment is that I've met several deadlines and have gotten kudos for doing a great job on the projects on my plate. I also may have a volunteer opportunity to contribute to something totally outside of my usual expertise and be able to use my science writing skills in another field that doesn't conflict with my current work. So that's a plus. Also, child visitation is changing again for the good, so BF and I will get back our "date night" on Friday night sans kiddos. I've missed date night.

Any changes in medication or recent appointments? No and no.

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer? Our family/friends beach vacation in Corolla in 25 days. I'm counting down. I'm so ready to be outta here!!!

[icequeen]

@giamia923, don't worry about keeping tabs on everyone; some of us do it more than others but that definitely doesn't make you unwelcome. Just do what you can! I am sorry you have been having such a rough time with sleep training. Everyone usually does it a bit differently. Have you talked to your ped to see what he/she recommends? It seems like things are improving so that's good. Hopefully you can reconnect with your psych or therapist and see if meds, or a change in current meds, are an option for you at this point.

runnergirl812, congrats on all your work accomplishments! That must feel so validating and rewarding. You have been working your ass off in way than less than ideal circumstances and it's great to hear that you are pushing past that negative environment to still be productive. Still keeping my fingers crossed for another job for you soon. Where is Corolla??

[RedDDD]

kaeguri, I hope your cat comes back. This happened to me a few weeks ago. Wizard is an outside cat but he didn't come back all weekend which was weird. Then my stupid ass neighbor showed up with him in a trap!! He claimed he was spraying his back door....BS cuz hes fixed AND he has never sprayed anything. Anywhoo.....now I just let him out during the day and try to keep him in at night. The last time he disappeared for 5 days....he got locked in my neighbors garage and they went out of town! Dang kitty

[RedDDD]

Please state your diagnosis and/or status: Depression, anxiety

How is your week going? Pretty good....tired

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share? I haven't really cut back on the wine as much as I would like but I have some. DH is working out of town this week and next so I have been single parenting it. Boy do I have a lot of respect for anyone that is a single parent. Dont get me wrong I have loved being with my kids alone and just doing our thing. Also have loved having some much needed time to myself but Im exhausted. I feel like Im just constantly running. I get up at 530 get myself ready then get kids up and get them ready and out the door to day care then to work then pick them up run home feed them bathe them play....bed time,....then I am wiped out! But then yesterday DS says to me as we walked out the door to go to school....mama, I was crying when you left me at school because I just missed you so much. awww.....melt my heart little man

Any changes in medication or recent appointments? nope

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer? not going anywhere

[runnergirl812]

Jun 17, 2015 20:19:57 GMT -5 icequeen said:

 
  Where is Corolla??

Corolla, NC. It's in the uppermost part of the Outer Banks of NC. I can't wait!!

[irishvodkagrl]

icequeen Good luck keeping hydrated! I know it was a struggle for me when I was pregnant. One trick I used at night was I took a drink of water when every commercial started.

yoshijo28 You are so strong to tell your family! I think it is fantastic to acknowledge that you are stronger than ED

kaeguri I hope your cat comes home soon. I had heart issues during my pregnancy and know how scary and stressful it can be

KayVeeKay I'm so sorry about the dreams and the "what ifs". I've been having them too and I know how they can poison your whole day

@giamia923 Sounds like the sleep training is helping!

runnergirl812 Date night sounds awesome! It sounds like volunteering is a really positive thing for you too.

[irishvodkagrl]

RedDDD I can't imagine being a single parent! Seems like the hardest job on the planet

****Child/Pregnancy mentioned***





Please state your diagnosis and/or status:  Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar (up for debate)

How is your week going? It has been really rough. The boys both got a stomach bug so were throwing up constantly and at the same time were constipated so all they did was cry. Then I got hit by the bug and everything became 100X harder.

Any struggles or accomplishments you would like to share?  I've been having a really hard time lately with dreams and what ifs. I keep thinking about all the things that went wrong during my pregnancy and what I could have done to cause/prevent them and how the boys are suffering because of what I did 'wrong'. I have had several dreams where I am back to being pregnant and I'm losing them and the nurse is yelling at me for causing it. It has put me in a really really dark place.

Any changes in medication or recent appointments? My Celexa went up and for the first time I took the Xanax the last two nights.

GTKY: What are you most looking forward to this summer? Friends are coming from TX and I miss them so much! They just PCS'd to Ft Worth less than a year ago but we were really close before they left.

[KayVeeKay]

icequeen I hope your electrolytes balance out soon. That's just another stressor that you don't need right now.

yoshijo28 Is there anything that helps you get through overwhelming social situations--like deep breaths, etc? I know I occasionally get too much interaction (I'm an introvert) and have to physically retreat for a while at parties or I get crabby. Punta Cana sounds like fun!

kaeguri oh no! I hope kitty returns! It's hard to deal with that right before baby, and I hope he's back at your doorstep to welcome that new arrival!

@giamia923 5 min isn't anything to be worried about. I usually don't get up unless DD has been crying that long or it's bloody murder, which she only does when there is a real problem. She does need to self soothe, and not all babies learn how to do it quickly. I hope you both make progress and find a good middle ground.

runnergirl812 some weeks, hanging in there is all you can do. One day at a time! Yay to getting kudos on your job projects. I hope you enjoy Corolla. We almost went there when we were vacationing in the Norfolk area a few months ago.

RedDDD that's such a cute thing for your DS to say. It certainly made me smile! Hope the next couple weeks go quickly because single parenting is no fun!

irishvodkagrl of course kids like to share their illnesses. I hope you feel better! As for the dreams, I could've written that with a few situation changes. It's annoying how the mind does this really for no reason.

[KayVeeKay]

Jun 16, 2015 20:31:41 GMT -5 icequeen said:

KayVeeKay, I'm so sorry you had a such a bad experience at the event. I hope that if it happens again you will be more mentally prepared, or just avoid that place altogether if that is an option. Perhaps if you do have to go back, you can bring a supportive friend or YH with you. i am really glad that you are still finding a positive about your behaviors and are more willing to confront your challenges. Great job! ((HUGS))

MH was with me. I think he's the only reason I held it together as long as I did.

[icequeen]

RedDDD, I am not a single mom but I feel that way sometimes. I know it's not really the same but it is definitely one of the most trying times of my life even with help from DH! I would just take it one day at a time and plan your activities and meal times ahead of time. You know I'm big on planning! And remember, when your kids see you are anxious or losing it, they will react the same way most of the time. I have to try my hardest with my emotions with DD around.
irishvodkagrl, I am so sorry for the illness going around. I hope everyone is on the mend now. I understand what you mean about the mom guilt dreams. Just keep reminding yourself that these thoughts are not reality and that you have plenty of people in your life that can validate how great of a mom you are. I think the mom guilt is something that never really leaves us; but at the end of the day, you have to give yourself credit that your kids are happy and healthy and safe, because of you.
KayVeeKay, I'm glad he was able to be there for you and you had some support. Is this a place you will have to be visiting again?

[KayVeeKay]

icequeen I really really hope not.

[yoshijo28]

KayVeeKay stepping back definately helps sometimes. If I'm with someone I know that helps too. It's just one of those things I'll have to work on. Unfortunately we haven't even started to cover that topic in therapy but we'll get there!

irishvodkagrl how did you feel taking the xanax? I know you were concerned last week about being able to get up if you needed to. Hope it went ok

[motownthrowdown]

*****LC and recent pregnancy mentioned*****



Diagnosis: post partum depression, general anxiety disorder

How was your week? Super, super busy. I went back to work full time on Monday after doing half days last week. My department's busy season starts now and goes through September, so they are halt to have me back.

Accomplishments/struggle? I think I'm starting to not feel as bad about missing the 2am pumping session. Since the baby isn't home, there is nothing to force me out of bed when I'm so exhausted. I'm getting up at 4 am for work and we usually go to bed around 10,so it's not super horrible. Struggling with establishing boundaries for family members who seem to think that Amelia can be held and played with ask the time when she really needs time to rest and grow bigger. They don't understand why we are at the NICU so much and why we don't want to spend two hours going to dinner when we only have about 3 hours with her a day and only one of us can only hold her for an hour a day. I'm also struggling with the big pregnant ladies I see as I walk through the hospital to the NICU. I want my big belly! I never got it.

Appointment on Monday for my 6 week check up.

Meds: still on lexapro and loving it

This summer, I'm looking forward to Amelia getting to come home!!! They say to expect it sometime around August.

[irishvodkagrl]

motownthrowdown I think the feelings towards the pregnant ladies is totally normal. I still have feelings of jealousy and regret because of missing the last 10 weeks.

The balance between life and NICU is incredibly difficult. All you need to worry about is what is best for you and your SO. Your family just needs to learn to relax.

Does your hospital have a March of Dimes rep? They may be able to give you literature to give to your family about what NICU life entails.

[motownthrowdown]

Jun 20, 2015 4:49:17 GMT -5 irishvodkagrl said:

motownthrowdown I think the feelings towards the pregnant ladies is totally normal. I still have feelings of jealousy and regret because of missing the last 10 weeks.

The balance between life and NICU is incredibly difficult. All you need to worry about is what is best for you and your SO. Your family just needs to learn to relax.

Does your hospital have a March of Dimes rep? They may be able to give you literature to give to your family about what NICU life entails.

A good idea-I think I will ask today. We DID ask about discharge class (they make everyone take a class before you go home, explain about isolation, monitors, rsv, etc). It's done in the room one on one.  We are going to have both mothers attend because they are only option for daycare, since it is highly discouraged to send preemies due to germs. We asked the nurse yesterday if they could do one class for DH and I and then do another class to scare the shit out of the moms because they think we are being paranoid about the germs and not taking her out to public places for a year. "It's no big deal, she needs to build immunity." My mom said that multiple times when we've mentioned isolation. We've shot back with the fact that her lungs are fragile and susceptible to illness due to lack of antibodies, since she wasn't in long enough to get them from me, and that a cold would probably put her in the hospital. She said that being in the hospital for her first three months would make her stronger than full term babies and started telling me I should stop pumping milk for her and let them give her formula because it's better. 

Sorry for for the rant. I have some issues with people *cough * my mom *cough* trying to tell me what's best for my baby when they haven't been there to see what goes on talk to the medical staff. I should have a medical degree, I've learned so much these last five weeks. 

[kaeguri]

Jun 20, 2015 7:36:36 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

Jun 20, 2015 4:49:17 GMT -5 irishvodkagrl said:

motownthrowdown I think the feelings towards the pregnant ladies is totally normal. I still have feelings of jealousy and regret because of missing the last 10 weeks.

The balance between life and NICU is incredibly difficult. All you need to worry about is what is best for you and your SO. Your family just needs to learn to relax.

Does your hospital have a March of Dimes rep? They may be able to give you literature to give to your family about what NICU life entails.

A good idea-I think I will ask today. We DID ask about discharge class (they make everyone take a class before you go home, explain about isolation, monitors, rsv, etc). It's done in the room one on one.  We are going to have both mothers attend because they are only option for daycare, since it is highly discouraged to send preemies due to germs. We asked the nurse yesterday if they could do one class for DH and I and then do another class to scare the shit out of the moms because they think we are being paranoid about the germs and not taking her out to public places for a year. "It's no big deal, she needs to build immunity." My mom said that multiple times when we've mentioned isolation. We've shot back with the fact that her lungs are fragile and susceptible to illness due to lack of antibodies, since she wasn't in long enough to get them from me, and that a cold would probably put her in the hospital. She said that being in the hospital for her first three months would make her stronger than full term babies and started telling me I should stop pumping milk for her and let them give her formula because it's better. 

Sorry for for the rant. I have some issues with people *cough * my mom *cough* trying to tell me what's best for my baby when they haven't been there to see what goes on talk to the medical staff. I should have a medical degree, I've learned so much these last five weeks. 

Pretty sure I've said this before but- YOUR MOM. OMG. That is all. I'm sorry they can't/aren't willing to understand.

Update on kitty: We put up signs Thursday night and Friday morning I got a voicemail saying they've seen a new black cat 2 apartment complexes over. It's one I would have never thought to check, since it's pretty far and all sources said my cat is probably really close to home. Should've known, he's a wanderer anyways. They gave us a specific address and we went there and saw a black cat with a white face, not mine. I texted the person back, saying thanks for the tip but it wasn't our cat and she said that the address was a general idea, but there is a solid black cat wandering around, usually around 7 pm. So we're headed over there tonight to poke around. It's over 100 degrees out til about 8pm, so this should be fun. I've had dreams every night for the past week of finding my cat. I keep getting my hopes up and crashing when he's still gone. Everytime I come home, I picture him waiting on my porch and lose my shit. I was dusting last night and found his fur all over my dresser and lost it. Half of me just wants to give up so I can stabilize myself but I can't yet. :/

[icequeen]

kaeguri, I am so sorry you still have not found your cat. I can't imagine how painful those dreams must be and how much you miss him/her. I think you are doing everything you possibly can to bring your cat home.
motownthrowdown, I am so sorry that your family is still being unreasonable. That is the last thing you need to be worried about. Does YH help communicate the boundary issues to family, or maybe your baby's medical team? I find it infuriating that they are being so disrespectful. At least your job can give you a much deserved break during the day from the NICU stress.

[irishvodkagrl]

yoshijo28, sadly the Xanax was too strong and I could hardly function so I had to stop taking it. My dr prescribed Tramadol for me again. I used it previously for fibro pain and he thinks it might help take the edge off. So we will see.

kaeguri, sending lots of positive energy for you to find your cat! I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you.

[yoshijo28]

kaeguri I meant to comment earlier but I'm so so sorry your cat is lost. It is so heartbreaking to go through that. Tons of ((hugs))

irishvodkagrl sorry to hear the xanax didn't work. I agree it is strong, I usually have to cut it in half or quarters and it's not the best feeling. I hope the new med is better