Emotions with a NICU baby

[rayann687]

Hey everyone! I intro'd a few weeks ago. We are on day 52 of Savannah being in the NICU. She was born at 29 weeks and 5 days. She is now 7 weeks and 3 days, she would have been 37 weeks and 1 day. I am starting to get a little emotional with her still being here. I know she is doing great and was doing better than expected in the beginning. Just the thought of her being away from me is starting to get to me emotionally. When I go to see her, I cry because I know I have to leave her. My husband doesn't understand why I'm so emotional. Is what I'm feeling normal? The only thing keeping her here is the breathing spells. She was down to one a day and today they went back up to 3. Her oxygen isn't really dropping but her heart rate does. They said it is related to when she has reflux. I just feel like there is no end and what if she is going backwards? I know that she is still before her due date and the spells are normal at this point. I want her to stay here as long as it takes for them to stop. I still cry though at the thought of leaving her. It's just really starting to get to me because I have to go back to work on Monday. I will take some unpaid FMLA when she is out. Sorry this was long! Just wondering if anyone else experienced these emotions.

[direy25]

Completely normal (at least for me it was). What ended up being the most difficult was that we were in a shared room and they kept putting "short timers" in the second bed, so I think I watched three families come in after we were there and get to take their babies home within a week. I was a wreck every time that happened. One of our primary nurses made sure we got a private room when one opened up. I realize it's not exactly the same as what you're going through but the NICU is such a stressful and traumatic place / experience. My husband didn't quite get it either, but you were robbed of most of your third trimester and that wonderful experience of going to the hospital, having a baby & bringing that baby home. You're going to grieve, and you should.

I'm rambling so I'm sorry - try to hang in there but make sure you let yourself feel these emotions & don't bottle them up inside. Come here and let them out if you think nobody IRL understands. I think we've all been there in some way or another.

[runningmommy519]

I would say if you weren't feeling this way that it wouldn't be normal. We had a short NICU stay, 21 days and I feel like the closer we got to going home the stronger the emotions.

It's like direy25 said, you need to mourn the loss of your 3rd trimester. Allow yourself to feel this way. It will help you heal.

[motownthrowdown]

I'm right there with you. We have been in the NICU for 5 weeks out of about 12. I went back to work last week and it is HARD. I hate leaving her, but I keep telling myself that going to work now means that I can take off when she comes home.

My hospital has the best NICU in the region, so it's very popular...but it means that everywhere I turn, there is another very pregnant lady walking around with her big stomach and it feels like a punch to the gut because that should be me.

I started a free blog to vent because DH doesn't understand how upset I am about losing third tri. No giant stomach, no maternity pics, no rib kicks, no using the bump as a shelf to eat ice cream. I power walk through the lobby to get to the NICU and away from the bellies so I don't cry.

Hugs. It's normal. Just shitty.

[jense927]

I found that the closer we got to coming home the harder it was to be still in the NICU. What direy25, rang so true for me, I almost forgot about that, the watching other families go home. So tough. Totally normal. When DS failed his car seat test I had a meltdown. We found out in the middle of the night that he failed and I cried until the morning came. It was awful. I think part of it has to do with you start planning on them being home and it just makes it more heartbreaking when they aren't yet. Hang in there. Hopefully it won't be too much longer!

[theycallmekveld]

Hugs. It's normal to feel that way. Or any way, really. That is the glamour of NICU life :/ And she isn't going backwards! My son had the same issues with reflux. The spells stopped!

[minae01]

I'm late to this, but I wanted to say that what you are feeling is totally normal. Having a baby in the NICU is a roller coaster. One day will be great and you get your hopes up and the next day is rough. I cried EVERY time I visited my son. I hated leaving him, even though I knew he was in good hands. Your baby will definitely come home and NICU life will eventually become a distant memory. Do not be so hard on yourself and know that it's ok to feel the variety of emotions that you are dealing with during this time. Keep us updated and let us know when she's home!

Also, I tried to keep busy at home getting things ready - room, baby gear, etc. Nothing was ready when I gave birth at 32w3d!

[bromios]

Hi! I used to hang around periodically on TD but this is my first time on the preemie board over here. My twins were born at 29 weeks 6 days (3#7oz and 3#2 oz) and ended up coming home after 60 and 69 days respectively. They had very uneventful stays, were generally doing fantastic, but it just took a long time to get them entirely free of the feeding tubes and sleeping desats. I relate to a lot of the feelings you're describing. It was so frustrating, because they were so healthy that it almost felt like they didn't NEED to be there, and I definitely felt like we would never actually leave. It didn't help that they made such great progress early on and the nurses were saying they might go home at 36 weeks. It was also the first time I started getting frustrated with my babies when they wouldn't PO an entire feed or with the night nurses when they said there had been a feeding desat, because I would feel like they must not have been doing it right (I obsessively watched and learned my babies' feeding cues so that I would notice them starting to struggle and burp them or sit them up before their oxygen could drop enough to set off the monitors). I actually felt a little bit of relief when I faced up to (and cried hysterically about) the fact that there was nothing I could do to make them be ready faster. It was one of the few times I actually cried during their NICU stay (I tended to be more of a bottle-it-up and just feel dead inside kind of girl). I'm so sorry that you have to go back to work Hang in there, your LO will come home, I promise.

[fyoubumpmay]

I've noticed here and elsewhere that a lot of dads seem to struggle with understanding the full extent of us NICU moms' feelings. For anyone struggling with something similar, here's an introspective that might help explain to them some of what we're experiencing.

www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-sullivan/open-letter-to-dads-of-th_b_7840462.html