**Captain Serious**

[spooko]

Captain Serious, in the past you rec'd me a book for dealing with DS' behavior, but I can't remember what it was called. The whole concept was around handling discipline differently when there was a potential attachment issue ad the kids acting out further bc they're testing/feeling unloved.

DS has, twice now, said I hated him when he was particularly upset with his consequences and how I reacted to some of his behavior. I'm not totally convinced that it isn't a manipulation tactic on his part, but if there's a chance he legitimately is feeling this way, I wanted to expand my options for dealing with it.

I hope you can remember what I'm talking about. I know that's pretty vague. TIA

[gnomesweetgnome]

Maybe Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control?

[spooko]

Yes I think that's it! Thanks so much!

[roxy]

spooko, That was going to be my recommendation too. If are able to take the course on it, I would highly recommend.

[Captain Serious]

Jun 17, 2015 11:58:40 GMT -5 gnomesweetgnome said:

Maybe Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control?

Gnome nailed it.  It really made a difference breaking through to J, although I still think it might be a bit too far to the once side.  As with everything I get from the books I recommend here, I take what makes sense for our family, and leave what does not.

For what it's worth, M always plays on his past when he's in trouble.  He sneaks his electronics late at night because he's afraid of sleeping and dreaming of his first mom.  He refuses to do the dishes without a fight because it reminds him of his time in the orphanage.  He hides from us because he's afraid that the police are looking from him and will take us away.  He has an excuse from the past for every bad behavior.

I never contradict him.  I just tell him that, while I understand his reasoning, I cannot allow the behavior, and so he still has a consequence.  Then we talk about why he's feeling these things, and remind him that he can come to us to talk anytime.  We also make it a point to have more candid conversations about his past and his feelings to make sure he's doing okay processing everything.  The more we address his past, the less he acts out "because of it."  I really do believe it helps him process and know we care (no matter how much he rails against talking about it), and it really has a positive affect on his behavior.