Considering Adoption, but DH Not on Aboard

[mama2a]

We have been talking very theoretically for awhile about adopting a deaf child (I know ASL), but I just learned last night after a more serious discussion that my DH is just not on board with it right now. He did say that maybe when our DD starts Kindergarten when it would be a "better" time. I was pretty disappointed and feel sad today. I think he's willing to change his mind if he found that some of his fears or concerns were either invalid or are handled/addressed with adequate support during the adoption process. Neither of us know anyone that has been adopted nor witnessed a couple going through the process. He thinks it would be disruptive to his life, to our 1.5 year DD's life and he's concerned that it may not work out well if the child has too many emotional issues. These are things I've thought of before, but I don't know--I just have more trust that it would be OK. He also thinks he wouldn't love this kid as much as he loves DD. Are there any resources, stories or statistics or is my DH right? I realize I can't change his mind--especially if his concerns are valid, but I don't want to give up just yet if maybe there are resources or information that could help him see that it wouldn't be as hard as he perceives?

[trytobearunner34]

It's never easy when we feel like we are on different pages from our SO.

I have two clarifying questions:

1. Is your primary preference adopting a a child who is deaf?
2. Is your husband concerned about adoption, adoption of a special needs child, or both?

[mama2a]

Jun 18, 2015 14:37:00 GMT -5 trytobearunner34 said:

It's never easy when we feel like we are on different pages from our SO.

I have two clarifying questions:

1. Is your primary preference adopting a a child who is deaf?
2. Is your husband concerned about adoption, adoption of a special needs child, or both?

1. I think deaf, but I guess we'll see where it takes us.

2. I think he's concerned about the adoption. I just feel like he has a bias that he could only love and have patience for biological children.

I think I might need to let this go because I feel like it's a "calling", but he doesn't have the same desire and I of course can't change that. I guess another piece to this post is if other's experienced partners that weren't ready either and changed their minds for one reason or another?

[lizblue]

I will say that being on the same page is 100% required to go down the adoption path, as I'm sure you would agree.

That being said, would he be willing to go to an informational session with an open mind? My H was not really sure what open adoption entailed but said he was willing to learn about it. Once we went to an informational session at our agency he was completely on board and glad to have the information. You, of course, would also have to have an open mind that it might not be the time for adoption right now if he decides he's not ready.

Good luck - I'm sure this is really hard.

[gnomesweetgnome]

DH was not ready to consider adoption as soon as I was. He came around to it eventually, but it was in his own time.

[girliegus]

Your DH is absolutely right that adoption will disrupt your lives. Not in a bad way, but it will definitely happen.

It's possible that not knowing anyone going through or who has gone through the process is what is causing some of his concerns. I would check with your church or community center to see if there are any adoption related events going on you might be able to attend. DH and I went to an adoption workshop at our church that talked about the different types of adoption and gave us an opportunity to talk with people who had adopted and ask questions. Our priest also out us in touch with families who have adopted in our parish. It went a long way toward helping us determine what was right for us.

If, after finding more information and getting questions answered, he is still feeling like it isn't something he is 100% up for, then you will need to find a way to be okay with that.

[drl]

Jun 18, 2015 15:08:40 GMT -5 gnomesweetgnome said:

DH was not ready to consider adoption as soon as I was. He came around to it eventually, but it was in his own time.

This was us, and I think it's the case for many couples. I read Adoption for Dummies cover to cover and I was so excited, bit DH felt pressured. We agreed that I would back off and he would attend some online info sessions. His big concern was the home study, so we talked on depth with 2 agencies and he felt much better.

He also had concerns about a lack of a biological connection. It took a good 6 months to come to terms with that. Then H met DD, and he's never looked back

[theatrepal]

DH was not on board with an open adoption at first and was terrified of the homestudy. We went to four different agency information sessions and read Adoption for Dummies and You Can Adopt. Between the books and the information sessions, he changed his mind. He realized that open adoption really is what is best for all members of the triad. He also came to realize that the homestudy wasn't all that scary. The agency wants you to adopt and they want it all to work!

One question, does your DH know ASL? If he doesn't, is it possible he's worried about not being able to communicate with LO.

Hang in there.

[ceejay]

Adopting is a very big decision and it isn't for everyone. It's essential that you and your husband are on the same page before you pursue it. MH wasn't very interested in adoption when we first got married, but over time he has learned more about it and now he is just as excited to adopt as I am.

As others have suggested, attending an informational session at a local adoption agency might be a great way for your husband to learn more about the process, without feeling pressured to commit to anything.

[jenn]

DH was pushing for adoption and I was the one who was scared and hesitant. I had some silly fears - that the child would not love us, they would feel resentful that we stole them away from BM, they would grow to hate us. After I sat down and actually thought about it and talked to a few friends who were adopted and gone through the adoption process, I realized that even a bio kid could go through those kind of phases, too. I read some books and realized that this was the right path for us.

But, I agree with pp, you and your DH have to be on the same page - 100%. There are a lot of discussions you will have to have if you go forward.

Luckily, this process has brought us our adorable son who is now 11 weeks old.

[mama2a]

Thanks all! I think you all make sense that we just need to learn more. I am signed for an information session, but I was wondering if it was even worth it if DH was just going to say no. I gave DH some time to think about it and he said that he would like 2 more years. I haven't yet tapped into why 2 years.

[drl]

Jun 20, 2015 7:58:52 GMT -5 mama2a said:

Thanks all! I think you all make sense that we just need to learn more. I am signed for an information session, but I was wondering if it was even worth it if DH was just going to say no. I gave DH some time to think about it and he said that he would like 2 more years. I haven't yet tapped into why 2 years.

He may want more time with your LO, or may want a specific gap between kids. It's ok to delve into why

[NariaDreaming]

DH and I have been together for 7 years. In that 7 years he went from being strongly anti-adoption to now being open to adopting anywhere in the 0-15 age range

It's been baby steps though

[pinkie]

In the middle of our lengthy fertility treatments I asked my husband if this never works would he be open to adoption. He said no and it was so hard for me to hear at the time. Fast forward 2-3 years and lots of heartbreak with IF treatments and my husband is the one who said we have to stop this and that he thought we should adopt.

It is possible for someone to have a complete change of heart.

[packerfan4life]

My H and I had talked about adoption long before the IF part of our lives ever started. However, once we actually got the unexplained IF diagnosis and we were filling out adoption paperwork, I could tell he wasn't ready to consider it yet. So we tabled the discussion. A few months later he came to me saying he was ready and wanted to adopt.

Both parties need to be 100% on board before proceeding.

[theatrepal]

mama2a I've been thinking about you this weekend. It was a hard time when DH and I weren't on the same page. Hope you're have a great weekend.

[mama2a]

Hey all, thanks for all of your helpful advice! My DH told me it would be worthwhile to go to the adoption informational session on Saturday morning that I signed up for last week just to get some more information and get us planning for the future. I did do that and I think if we were to pursue we'd do the domestic waiting children.

We sat down on Saturday afterwards when we had some time to really discuss it and he said that he would consider it for the future, but not right now due to us moving houses this summer (understandable) and he wants to change careers (possibly becoming an entrepreneur) so that makes sense to me. He also threw out something weird and that is that he wants A to be the oldest child. He said some stuff about birth order and he's also foreseen A to have those traits of the "first born". That doesn't matter to me at all, but I guess I need to compromise. Anyway, it sounds like our first steps are to go through the education and training before registering so DH agreed that we could pursue that education this fall or winter, but for the purpose of learning more about what to expect with adopting an older child before he makes his final decision.

I might not post a lot right now because we have other priorities at the moment, but I would love to hang with you guys and read your stories and experience--particularly for those that adopt a domestic older child. Thanks all for your support

[Captain Serious]

I've been reading this post and wanting to comment, but haven't gotten to a computer where I could compose a longer response until now.  It's kind of fortuitous, because I was going to bring up birth order, among a few other points, and you just did.

My first impression is that it seems to be that in most adoptive couples, one parent is ready before the other.  But as much as we consider children who we adopted the same as biological children, it would be a mistake to think raising them is the same, especially if they are not adopted as infants.  Since you are talking about adopting a deaf child, I am assuming you would more than likely not be adopting an infant.  Adopting an older child means adopting a child who has lived through some trauma in their lives, even if that trauma is only comprised of losing birth parents.  It means that some traditional parenting techniques may not work with your child, and your family will likely face some additional challenges.  It is for this reason that it is vital that both parents are wholeheartedly, 100% committed, invested, and excited about adopting.

Adopting an older child with special needs is a wonderful way to build a family.  But it is not easy, and it will invite turmoil into your family, at least for a period of time.  As I said above, you have to keep in mind is that older children are available because they have suffered some kind of trauma in their lives. This means that they might have difficulties attaching to new families, and might be dealing with a variety of other mental and physical health issues. Often, they have stored up a lot of anger that will have to find an outlet, and without the right kind of intervention, they may develop unhealthy relationships. Many have learned how to survive by whatever means necessary, and that can result in a difficult home-life because they might not understand what is and is not appropriate in family life and society in general. Often, they will push anyone who gets too close to them away, because subconsciously they feel it will hurt less to do that than to get too attached if the person might end up leaving them.  The more they need and want you, the harder they rail against you, and the more you have to not take it personally and bridge the gap to make them feel safe and loved.  The more they fight against rules, the more consistent you have to be, because it's what really gives them confidence in you as a parent in control and lets them, for once give up control and experience life as a child.  This all happens on a very deep, subconscious level even in very young children, so it's not something you can reason with them about, it's just something you all have to live through.  Any special needs the child has typically amplifies this process.  It's not an easy road, but it is highly rewarding.

When it comes to birth order, I believe preserving it in adoption is a much bigger concern than it initially appears.  Adoption/foster professionals often cite jealousy and the child's understanding of how they fit into the home as a reason for preserving birth order, but there's a much bigger side to it that they often choose not to discuss when not relaying the circumstances surrounding a specific child.  Not to sound like a broken record, but this comes back to the trauma that many of the children who are in foster care or are available for adoption have experienced. This could be as simple as losing caregivers through death, but more often means witnessing or being the victim of abuse, neglect, or other violent behavior. Children who have suffered these types of trauma often act out those types of behaviors on younger children around them. This can happen even if they are getting all the emotional and psychological help they need; it's often part of their process as they learn to cope with what happened to them/what they witnessed. So in the minds of many adoption professionals, placing an older child, who may have had a turbulent past, in a home with young children is not ideal in most situations, although it can work out on a case-by-case basis.

Finally, if you decide that you do want to adopt an older child, I strongly advise that you should have the medical files of any child you are considering adopting reviewed by a doctor who specializes in adoption. Such a doctor should be able to help you not only evaluate the child's health, but also identify other risk factors, such as the child's likelihood of attachment issues/RAD, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), and other risks depending on the child's background. The doctor would also be able to help you determine if the child has any developmental or other delays, how severe they are, and what level of treatment the child might need.

In my personal experience, I learned that the help of a strong support system and a solid team of professionals could not be underestimated to make it through the toughest family adjustment times.  I hadn't previously understood how draining raising a child with special needs can be if you are feeling overwhelmed or as though none of your family or friends can relate to your parenting experiences.  I cocooned our family, not just as recommended for the boys' attachment, but because I didn't have the energy to face the relentless questions from family and friends and it hurt to see normally developing children and make comparisons to my sons.  Only once I felt we had good treatment and educational teams, plans, and therapies in place and I personally came to terms with their delays was I able to spend more time around everyone else.  I know this sounds silly, given I fully understood I was adopting children with special needs, but it was part of the process parents of special needs children typically go through, and it didn't matter that I knew what "I was getting into" when we adopted them.  It just mattered that I was mourning the things that they, and we as a family, might never experience.

Since your family is seriously considering this, I highly recommend you read a few books on attachment and older child adoption.  It will help you get a realistic idea of what could be involved and help you and your husband make appropriate decisions for your family.  There's a list I compiled in the FAQs that really helped our family through the transitions.  While most of the books typically describe extreme situations and your family may not experience the full range of behaviors and emotions described, I can tell you from experience, and from information I gathered from many other adoptive parents, that all families that adopted older children experience some level of these situations, and understanding why and how to deal with them is what makes for a successful transition in the end.

Please feel free to ask me any questions.  I try to be completely honest and frank about what it is like, because I think it is the best way for parents to be able to help their new children adapt and form healthy bonds and relationships.  My husband and I adopted two boys with special needs from Peru, in separate adoptions, at ages 7 and 5.  They are the most amazing people I know, and I am so grateful to be their mom, but they each had to go through their own adjustment process, and we had to go through ours as well.  Each time it was different, but each time it was the best thing that ever happened to us.

[drl]

Jun 22, 2015 7:58:47 GMT -5 mama2a said:

He also threw out something weird and that is that he wants A to be the oldest child. He said some stuff about birth order and he's also foreseen A to have those traits of the "first born". That doesn't matter to me at all, but I guess I need to compromise.

Not weird at all, and I will agree with everything CaptainSerious said. Whenever I feel the pull toward foster to adopt or waiting children, I realize that we want DD to be the oldest, for all the reasons mentioned.

[mama2a]

Captain Serious,
Thank you so much for your insight and experience. I have thought a lot about that and what it would be like....and just like I thought I was prepared to give birth to my daughter, I really had no idea what it was really "like" until after she arrived. So I appreciate what you say about your experience. At the information meeting last Saturday the instructor explained very briefly that all waiting kids are going to take time to adjust and that they are going to test their new parents because they will likely not want to mentally commit to a forever family since they are used to being moved around.

The instructor said that if you provide the love and support that many of these children thrive, so I hope that is an accurate assessment. Our next step would be to proceed through the education and training before we officially register in which I imagine the topics you mention in your post will come up and be more in depth....

[Captain Serious]

Jun 22, 2015 12:45:34 GMT -5 mama2a said:

The instructor said that if you provide the love and support that many of these children thrive, so I hope that is an accurate assessment. Our next step would be to proceed through the education and training before we officially register in which I imagine the topics you mention in your post will come up and be more in depth....

Love is definitely a required part of what it takes to help these children integrate successfully into a family and thrive, but it is not enough. I know of many families that didn't prepare or learn about adoption and the techniques that work best to reach children who have experienced trauma, and unfortunately they have not always had good outcomes. In fact, the idea that "all these kids need is love" is kind of a trigger for me because it results in families adopting children without properly preparing for them and then becoming overwhelmed and not knowing what to do or where to turn for help. It leads to families taking in more children than they can successfully parent or children whose needs exceed the parents' ability to provide for, and in extreme cases, it leads to parents who snap, hurt the children, or try to "return" them. It's irresponsible to perpetuate that notion and I'm continuously disappointed to find agencies and foster officials trying to frame the discussion in terms of "If you love them enough, you will be okay."


Please don't take the above to be a warning against adopting a child who is older or has special needs.  That is not at all how it is intended.  I just feel strongly about putting a conscious effort into stopping talk about adoption as though it is just a factor of love.  It is a commitment of so many resources, including time, finances, energy, of doing whatever it takes to heal a child, of taking their pain and hurt onto yourself, and of riding the storm during their darkest times.  It requires so much more than love, and by not acknowledging that, we are stigmatizing families who can't make it work because they are lacking resources or access to strong supports. 

I'm glad to hear that you will be completing the training classes before registering, but in my case, what was offered by the agency was only the tip of the iceberg. The sad truth is that agencies/foster care officials need foster and adoptive families, so they don't get too far into it all because they don't want to frighten away families. I have found that adding to the training with additional research and reading really helps families come together with less difficulties.

[mama2a]

Jun 22, 2015 13:11:49 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Jun 22, 2015 12:45:34 GMT -5 mama2a said:

The instructor said that if you provide the love and support that many of these children thrive, so I hope that is an accurate assessment. Our next step would be to proceed through the education and training before we officially register in which I imagine the topics you mention in your post will come up and be more in depth....

Love is definitely a required part of what it takes to help these children integrate successfully into a family and thrive, but it is not enough. I know of many families that didn't prepare or learn about adoption and the techniques that work best to reach children who have experienced trauma, and unfortunately they have not always had good outcomes. In fact, the idea that "all these kids need is love" is kind of a trigger for me because it results in families adopting children without properly preparing for them and then becoming overwhelmed and not knowing what to do or where to turn for help. It leads to families taking in more children than they can successfully parent or children whose needs exceed the parents' ability to provide for, and in extreme cases, it leads to parents who snap, hurt the children, or try to "return" them. It's irresponsible to perpetuate that notion and I'm continuously disappointed to find agencies and foster officials trying to frame the discussion in terms of "If you love them enough, you will be okay."


Please don't take the above to be a warning against adopting a child who is older or has special needs.  That is not at all how it is intended.  I just feel strongly about putting a conscious effort into stopping talk about adoption as though it is just a factor of love.  It is a commitment of so many resources, including time, finances, energy, of doing whatever it takes to heal a child, of taking their pain and hurt onto yourself, and of riding the storm during their darkest times.  It requires so much more than love, and by not acknowledging that, we are stigmatizing families who can't make it work because they are lacking resources or access to strong supports. 

I'm glad to hear that you will be completing the training classes before registering, but in my case, what was offered by the agency was only the tip of the iceberg. The sad truth is that agencies/foster care officials need foster and adoptive families, so they don't get too far into it all because they don't want to frighten away families. I have found that adding to the training with additional research and reading really helps families come together with less difficulties.

I get where you're going--those were my words trying to paraphrase what the instructor said. She didn't at all minimize the training parents must go through nor did I think "love" was all it took.

[Captain Serious]

Jun 22, 2015 15:13:32 GMT -5 mama2a said:

I get where you're going--those were my words trying to paraphrase what the instructor said. She didn't at all minimize the training parents must go through nor did I think "love" was all it took.

So glad to hear that!

[mama2a]

Captain Serious, do you recommend I read the Complete Idiots Guide to Adoption and the 20 Things Adopted Kids.... books? Are those going to explain more detail about what to expect when adopting an older child?

[Captain Serious]

The Complete Idiot's guide is more about the process of adopting, things to research about agencies, red flags, etc. it really won't help much with raising older children who were adopted.

The 20 Things book is a light read and has some useful information in it, but it's not really about parenting strategies. It's more about letting adoptive parents know what their kids might be feeling about certain things or at certain times that might help them avoid sensitive areas or open a dialogue about things that might be bothering their kids. For example, I didn't realize how hard holidays and celebrations would be for M, but the book explains that birthdays, Mother's Day, and holidays could be triggers. Sure enough, these days, along with Christmas and any time we are celebrating and enjoying one another more than most are very, very tough for M. Depending on the day/celebration, he misses his first mother and/or feels guilty that he is living this life while she struggles, or even feels guilty for having and loving me as his mother, as though he is betraying her.