Need advice ***child mentioned***

[DrHooch]

I am having trouble dealing with something with regards to IF. It has to do with my SIL's daughter, who is 13 months. I love both my niece and my SIL (this is the SIL who is super supportive with my IF). Fortunately, it doesn't hurt me (much) to see my niece (I think because she was born before I started trying). My SIL and BIL send us (and the whole family) lots of pictures and videos of my niece, which is great since we're far away and don't get to see her often. The thing that bothers me is watching my DH watch them over and over again. He loves seeing her. Which I love... and hate, because I feel like... he's thinking about what we can't have (and what I can't seem to give him). I know that's completely crazy, and I know he doesn't actually feel that way, but it hurts every time I see him watching those videos. Does that make sense? Any advice for how to get myself over this?

[twinkl0503]

Hi - I understand the feelings and disappointment you feel and how hard it is. I'm in a similar situation - my brother (who is a terrible father b/c of addition) has FOUR kids. None were planned; thankfully all with the same woman who was his wife of 12 yrs but now divorced. Anyway, I am EXTREMELY close to these kids and love them like my own (they also live in another state though ). I'm so grateful that the IF doesn't bother me with them. My H is the same way.

So my thinking is this...your H may just simply enjoy his niece b/c he can feel pure joy from her without having to think about IF - at least that is how it is for me, but ONLY with my nieces/nephew. I can't explain why that is though b/c w/other kids it can be hard.

Have you asked him if it makes him feel that way? I don't know, but I'm guessing he doesn't blame you or have those weird IF feelings, but just gets joy out of her. Which, IMO is such a blessing and allows you to know that when you do have a child, he'll be wonderful!

[Ann612]

YES. I totally get it. One of the things that bothers me the most about this whole thing is seeing my DH sad and longing. And no matter how much I know this is irrational, and no matter how awesome my DH is (he really is), I personally can not help but to put some guilt on myself, like I am failing him. One evening while laying in bed I actually asked him if he could still be happy with "just me".

Anyway, I would talk to your DH. Tell him you don't want to stop him from watching but it's painful for you. Maybe he can watch more in private? Or maybe you can watch together, and discuss how you're feeling after? Maybe it just makes him happy? and I have no doubt he doesn't blame you any more than you blame him.