Intro (possible triggers)

[fionnathehuman]

Good morning everyone,

I apologize for this being so long...

**Edit: I also apologize for posting on this board. I did not lurk much in here and just realize that maybe it wasn't the best place... The thing is a I am not Ttcal anymore and don't know where else to post... 



I am 30 soon to be 31 and I am undergoing my 3rd mc.

First Mc was natural little over 1 year ago in june 9th at 7to8 weeks
Second Mc naturaly last November at 8w1d
And th is one a missed mc at 8w approximately that I intent to let run its course naturally too.

I really don't know how I am feeling right now, I know I am sad my I have no tears... sometimes I feel like I don't even care anymore. It's so weird.
Last week when I found out that my baby had little chance of surviving I cried in bed for few days, but now that I know that it's gone I just feel numb...


have any of you ever felt like this? Numb? It is like I don't even want a baby anymore... it is like it is not important to me anymore.

All the pain I felt this last year, all the rage, the jealousy, the bitterness I t just seems to me that this is not how it should feel to bring a child to this word.
I feel like if I can't have it in a pleasant way, a way that is not going to destroy me mentally and emotionally than I simply don't want anymore.
Even though I've been through this before I did not expect to feel this way...

I AM SO so sorry I am using you guys as a therapist. Lol
Fyi I know I need one and I am already looking into this.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

Here is my puppy saying hi!

[nikolie93]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to see this and yes, along with every other emotion, I also felt numb.

I so wish I had magic words to make it all better but I don't. I've been through multiple loses and all I can tell you is that it does get a bit easier with time and it can take a little while. If you continue having a hard time, it's helped many to go talk to someone.

We are here for you, we understand. So many *hugs*.

[hollyberry]

I am so sorry for all your losses! And feeling numb is very normal. I also felt this way, you are not strange for feeling this. One day i was numb, one day i was sad, one day I was angry, I too had allthe feels. What ever you feel is ok. Take the time you need, talk to someone if you want to. Nothing says that you have to try again right away and or ever if you don't want to. I would maybe just say, don't make any conclusive decisions right yet, but I would say it's ok to feel done. Also, we are here to support you so don't worry about coming here and seeking support! * hugs*

[NatalieDavid]

Sending you hugs! I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm hoping you can find some peace during this dark time.

[nikolie93]

fionnathehuman, how are you doing today?

[fionnathehuman]

O feeling much better thank you for asking...

My mom is coming to stay with me so I've been busy preparing erything and keeping problems out of my mind...

Thank you all for your kind words and thank you Nikolie for checking on me...

[nikolie93]

Oh good, glad to hear! I hope you have a nice time with your mom

[teenybenoit]

(((BIG HUGS)))
I have to say my emotions have been all over the place, the first was really anger like wtf was this happening again? Then my thoughts turned to I'm done trying, it's obviously not meant to happen but the thought of deciding something so permanent didn't really sit well with me. My next thoughts were I need to know why or at least hope that they can pin point what's wrong so I could have some answers. I'm in the process of that now.
I also am leaning much closer to adoption. I think regardless of what they find out I'm not ready to choose childless at this point. I also think I'm filled with anxiety lately and just having a tough go in general.
One day at a time my friend. And please always feel free to post here, that's what we are here for.

[fionnathehuman]

* sorry, I wrote a huge letter but the app just did not send it and deleted it...*

Anger is the feeling now.
I AM FURIOUS! I feel bitter too... I hate feeling like this.
I just walked out of the Dr. Office and just wanted to throw all those people out of the window... all those happy families and pregnant ladies. I hate when they smile to me, I hate when their babies smile to me, I hate to hear their stories. Like this one ladie who just left saying that she is expect her 6th child. I feel like a bad looser right now...

I have a US appointment for this Friday and was going to cancel but the nurse said I shouldn't, that I should come and have it done to see if I am going to need any kind of procedure ( d&c or medicine ) I really don't want go but at least my mom will be with me...

Sorry, this post is confusing...


*** and Sorry for my insane vent... I needed it... feel much better now...***

[NatalieDavid]

Vent away that's what the community is here for. I hope after your ultra sound Friday you can feel some sort of closure and get everything resolved. It's so hard to see these happy families and know what struggle you are going through. But in general when I see pregnant ladies I try to remind myself I don't know what they went though to get to this point. Hugs to you and know we are always here for you.

[nikolie93]

fionnathehuman, don't ever apologize for venting here, that's what this place is for! All your feelings, unfortunately, are normal. I know it may make you feel crazy but those are all feelings you need you to go through before you start healing.

I am glad that your mom is going to be with you and I am glad you are going to the U/S. Try to hang in there, and don't be so hard on yourself because it's not your fault. I know that's easier said than done though. *hugs*

[hollyberry]

Just sending hugs! My thoughts will be woth you for your scan, I also think you will likely feel relief after going, knowing you can move forward and start the healing, and if there is stuff leftover then getting that process done will be good too. I am sorry you are feeling so angry, I think most of us were there. I onow I was 9retty angry too! Don't worry about venting, this is a good place to let it out! * hugs*

[fionnathehuman]

Thanks everyone,

I am feeling better now that this part is over... completed the MC today and feel that I can move on...

[NatalieDavid]

I'm glad you are feeling better fionnathehuman!