Anyone feel guilty handing kids off when partner comes home?

[lo95]

DH has been awesome about stepping up.  We have ZERO help from anyone and so he is doing all of the major house stuff plus earning the money at a very stressful job.  That said, I feel tired---like I haven't caught my breath since DD was born in April.  And I assume that's normal to a point.  But I'm the one who gets up with her at night, stays with her all day, and then restarts again at night.  Don't  get me wrong- DD is the most amazing kid and I'm grateful for her and to be able to stay home with her.  But I am sitting at the computer right now after eating dinner 20 minutes ago and feeling like a piece of crap for not taking DD back right away from DH. (He usually hands her back to me as soon as I'm done with (insert whatever chore here). )  Honestly, it's hurting things a little in our relationship because I think DH feels slighted because he works and does so much, but I feel a little slighted in terms of things like taking a shower or eating dinner while it's hot.  

How do you balance this?!

[ashiscute]

I think it helps to not compare what you are doing in terms of "jobs". He goes to work and makes money but that is NOT more important than what you do. The work isn't equal but it is equally important. It may help you to make a list of all of the benefits for your family for your being home. I always remind my H that if I worked he'd have to help get the kids ready for daycare, participate in pickup/drop off, take time off work when they were sick or had dr appts, etc. Because I am home he doesn't have these worries and is able to have more flexibility with his job. I think it helps us both to remember that so I don't feel less important. I think it would be good for you to remind yourself as well.

When DD was first born DH sort of left most of her care to me and I got really overwhelmed. We talked it over and from that point when he walked in the door everything is 50/50. We balance our chores, diaper changes, etc. Obviously there are days when one of us needs some more alone time or whatever but for the most part the balance works. You will feel less guilty if you're both consistently doing your share of baby care on top of chores. I think your feelings are pretty common for new SAHMs and new moms in general. Try not to feel guilty because parenting is a full time job and he's a parent too.

[cam]

I agree with ashiscute. So without being too redundant, I will just add a few things. First, it takes a while to find a groove that works for both of you, especially when things are changing so quickly with a child of that age. Second, make sure he knows how you are feeling. MH would help out with whatever I asked, but he didn't realize which days were more overwhelming or tiring or whatever unless I said it, plus specified exactly what would be the most helpful to me (otherwise he ended up trying to get me to have some time out of the house for a break when I just needed a nap, as an example). We both are happier now that we know to express our needs and how specific to be about doing so (one of us isn't frustrated by not having a need met while the other is left frustrated by failed attempts at helping meet a need). We try to make sure both of us have adequate downtime. It isn't equal, especially on a given day or even week, but over time we both feel we get the downtime we need and in the form we need (which is different for everyone).

[younglove316]

I think ashiscute said it very well.

I struggled with this a lot and sometimes I still do. I also reminded my husband that if I were working that everything would then become 50/50 at home too. My husband has a different schedule in that one week he works 60 hours and the next he only works 20 unless he picks up extra jobs so I try and balance around that.

There was an article floating around Facebook about the dad not being able to afford his stay at home mom because she does so many jobs. He broke down the average cost of childcare, housecleaner, chef, etc. because those are all jobs that she does daily.

[3timemom]

ashiscute I think hit a lot of the good points. I try really hard to not push the kids off on my husband when he gets home. He works outside every single day no matter the weather and is gone usually about 10-12 a day. Mondays I try really hard to just deal because it's his hardest day. But I've been getting overwhelmed being 2 weeks from my due date and having 3 other kids at home. I've felt like crap again and he realizes it's almost over so he does his best to just help me, but we have had many fights and sit down talks about how I need a little more when he gets home.

Just talk to him and let him know how your feeling. Sometimes you just need a short break to recharge and get back into it.

[3timemom]

ashiscute I think hit a lot of the good points. I try really hard to not push the kids off on my husband when he gets home. He works outside every single day no matter the weather and is gone usually about 10-12 a day. Mondays I try really hard to just deal because it's his hardest day. But I've been getting overwhelmed being 2 weeks from my due date and having 3 other kids at home. I've felt like crap again and he realizes it's almost over so he does his best to just help me, but we have had many fights and sit down talks about how I need a little more when he gets home.

Just talk to him and let him know how your feeling. Sometimes you just need a short break to recharge and get back into it.

[Deleted]

I agree with a lot that has already been said. My husband has a secular job and is the Deacon/only clergy of our church. Monday nights he usually has class, which typically means I get no help. Wednesday nights he is usually teaching a class, so again not much help. Sunday mornings are also me flying solo and depending on any baptisms of Saturday could also be me flying solo. It's been a bit of a struggle for us to find what works and there are still many discussion/reevaluations if it is still working. Communication is huge. Let him know what you need, discuss possible solutions and you're feeling.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Communication is definitely important. Taking time for yourself and taking care of yourself is also important. Prioritizing what truly needs to be done over what is ideal is a skill to work on. For instance, you may *want* to vacuum/sweep/whatever every day. But you really *need* to rest, eat, and have actual quality time with your husband, in addition to keeping baby alive. So sometimes you have to let things slide. Make sure you are on the same page with your husband regarding priorities as well as in scheduling, what your needs are, etc. It is a huge balancing act!

[amelandre]

I have this struggle too. "Lucky" for DH he gets home from work WAY after the kids are in bed (well, not the 4wk old) so he doesn't have to deal with a handoff, but I do make him take his turn in the mornings on days when he doesn't work til later so I can shower, do my nails, etc.. He complains if I take a really long time, like if I shave or something, but then when I ask him if he wants me to stop shaving my legs he usually shuts up.

My biggest issue is that he makes "jokes" all the time about doing more than his share around the house if I ask him to grab a diaper from DS's room, or get the baby out of her crib and calm her for a minute while I wash ketchup out of the toddler's ear. I know he's joking, but it makes the rage flare up every time. Especially because I don't ask for help unless I really genuinely don't have enough arms to deal alone. His stupid comments make me feel like he thinks i'm lazy.

[gnomesweetgnome]

Jun 23, 2015 19:30:56 GMT -5 amelandre said:

I have this struggle too. "Lucky" for DH he gets home from work WAY after the kids are in bed (well, not the 4wk old) so he doesn't have to deal with a handoff, but I do make him take his turn in the mornings on days when he doesn't work til later so I can shower, do my nails, etc.. He complains if I take a really long time, like if I shave or something, but then when I ask him if he wants me to stop shaving my legs he usually shuts up.

My biggest issue is that he makes "jokes" all the time about doing more than his share around the house if I ask him to grab a diaper from DS's room, or get the baby out of her crib and calm her for a minute while I wash ketchup out of the toddler's ear. I know he's joking, but it makes the rage flare up every time. Especially because I don't ask for help unless I really genuinely don't have enough arms to deal alone. His stupid comments make me feel like he thinks i'm lazy.

This last paragraph would make me so angry. If I were in your shoes I would have to have a calm discussion at a time when that has not happened recently to explain exactly how that makes me feel and to ask him not to make those sorts of jokes anymore.

[redfraggle]

First of all, your feelings are normal. Every single mom goes through something similar during the newborn period. You definitely are not alone. It also tends to ease up a bit as you fall into your parenting groove and LO becomes more self-sufficient.

That being said, I think it is important to be very honest with yourself about what you need from your partner and what you are getting. Sit down and talk with him about your feelings and what you think would fix it. Ask him for his perspective, which may surprise you, and what he would be willing and able to do to remedy the situation, which also may surprise you.

In my case, DH needed me to be very specific when I asked him to do something. (Like, for a few weeks during DS' crawling phase, I would say to DH, "Watch DS while I cook dinner," and DH would literally watch DS crawl around the kitchen under my feet. I was dumbstruck because I thought it was pretty obvious that this was incredibly unhelpful, but he really thought it was what I needed. Finally, in exasperation, I said, "When I say 'watch DS', I mean keep him occupied and out of my way." I saw the light bulb go on in DH's mind.) I also learned that DH considers childcare a treat in most instances because he spends considerably less time with the kids than I do, so I have very little guilt asking him to change a diaper or whatever while I take a little me time.

In any case lo95, you don't sound the least bit ungrateful for that beautiful baby of yours just because you're frustrated by parenting. I'd honestly be more concerned if you came on here telling us how blissful sleep deprivation and being spit up on are because parenting is never all puppies and rainbows, even though it is a wonderful experience overall. Hugs!