Been on my mind. .long

[anw39]

So here's something that's been on my mind lately. I'll start with... my Dad and Stepmother live by San Antonio and are considering moving up to the DFW area. G has never been alone with them. They visit at the house for several hours at a time. She knows who they are but takes a while to warm up....
so I know G will eventually stay with them at some point either when they move or she visits....ok..back story....my Stepmother has been in my life for 26 years. She was very abusive to me when I was growing up...I just don't know if I should be concerned about G's safety when the time comes....am I being paranoid? Just wondering others thoughts....

[stargazer763]

Nope, don't let her stay with them. That's a massive red flag.
ETA: This should not be something you're struggling over. This is a no-brainer.

[vasc]

Only host them at your house or only go to theirs and let them see her with your supervision. Does she know she was abusive, or deny it?

[workinit]

Jun 21, 2015 20:59:17 GMT -5 stargazer763 said:

Nope, don't let her stay with them. That's a massive red flag.
ETA: This should not be something you're struggling over. This is a no-brainer.

+1 to all of this. I'm so sorry that she was abusive to you.

[anw39]

Yes. She is aware of what she did. She has not touched me since I was 13. My Dad just recently in the last 5 years acknowledged what happened. All has been forgiven because it was killing me to hold a grudge however I will not EVER forget. I hare that thus will affect my Dad and G's relationship but I definitely do not want it to happen to her. Should I talk to my Dad about this??? I haven't brought it up with him or dh because the move isn't happening soon.

[stargazer763]

There is a big difference between forgiving and keeping your daughter safe. You can still have forgiven your stepmother and still not allow her unsupervised visitation with your daughter.

[kames12]

My mom is very verbally abusive and narcissistic. She's been better to me since DS was born. I'm keeping her on a short leash. She does so better with small children that don't question her authority. We had problems once I became a teen.

You need to do what feels right for you. You know her and don't be afraid to trust your instincts.

[cl8badb]

Jun 21, 2015 21:16:40 GMT -5 anw39 said:

Yes. She is aware of what she did. She has not touched me since I was 13. My Dad just recently in the last 5 years acknowledged what happened. All has been forgiven because it was killing me to hold a grudge however I will not EVER forget. I hare that thus will affect my Dad and G's relationship but I definitely do not want it to happen to her. Should I talk to my Dad about this??? I haven't brought it up with him or dh because the move isn't happening soon.

I agree with the other posts. I would not trust my kid being alone with her. It may affect her relationship with your dad but its a small sacrafice to pay for her safety.
Im sorry that you had to go through that as a child. ((hugs))

[anw39]

This all makes me sick to my stomach and I want to cry. I appreciate y'alls feedback.

[subliminalrabbit]

((Hugs)). What the other ladies said. You probably need to talk to your dad about it so he doesn't wonder if HE'S the reason.

My father isn't allowed anywhere near my kid, even supervised, so I kinda understand. It. is. hard. But you do what you have to for your kid's safety -- and your emotional safety too.

[lizzybizzy]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are not being paranoid, no alone time. Better no time at all.

[anw39]

Jun 21, 2015 21:39:55 GMT -5 subliminalrabbit said:

((Hugs)). What the other ladies said. You probably need to talk to your dad about it so he doesn't wonder if HE'S the reason.

My father isn't allowed anywhere near my kid, even supervised, so I kinda understand. It. is. hard. But you do what you have to for your kid's safety -- and your emotional safety too.

Yeah I definitely want him to know. I just pray it doesn't affect our relationship. My fil can visit supervised but I would not trust him alone. It's so much harder when it's your own family.

[kames12]

Jun 21, 2015 21:32:25 GMT -5 anw39 said:

This all makes me sick to my stomach and I want to cry. I appreciate y'alls feedback.

Hugs!

[kames12]

My dad will never be left alone with DS. He sexually abused me as a preteen and early teenager. I have a relationship with him but it's mainly a talk on the phone, email and see (never alone) once in a blue moon one

[stargazer763]

I am so very sorry, kames12.

[kames12]

Jun 21, 2015 21:49:58 GMT -5 stargazer763 said:

I am so very sorry, kames12.

It made me who I am today. Lots of therapy and a good support system helped. and between both my parents, I know what not to do.

[workinit]

kames12 oh honey I'm so sorry!! I'm laying in bed shedding tears reading this! Thinking about you!

[cl8badb]

((hugs)) kames12

[cl8badb]

((hugs)) @coffeeismylyfe

[cl8badb]

Its really sad that stuff like this goes on in the world. If you cant trust your family who can you trust?
Ive had stuff happen too. I really dont know if i trust anyone 100% with J bc of it.

[kames12]

Jun 21, 2015 21:52:51 GMT -5 workinit said:

kames12 oh honey I'm so sorry!! I'm laying in bed shedding tears reading this! Thinking about you!

Thanks but don't be. I'm stronger for it. It helped me decide what I want to do with my life (criminal justice major). He served his time (10 years plus 5 years probation). he also knows what he did was wrong. He didn't fight any of the sentencing. I still don't spend much time with him but he doesn't push. He's grateful for the time I do give him.

[heelibrarian]

Oh my goodness. Hugs all around. I can't even imagine.

[melohdy]

I'm not sad, I'm angry for you. I'm angry that your little one may miss out on a good relationship with someone based on their choice of partner.

I'm angry that you were put through that. I'm angry that someone would stay with someone who treats their child that way.

To me, it's not a question. She does not spend alone time with G. If you're comfortable with spending supervised time with her, that's your choice. If you let your dad watch her alone without step mom around, that's also your choice. To me, this woman gave up any privilege to you or your family's company.

My dad didn't even physically abuse me (emotionally, yes) and he's not allowed to watch Lilly alone...and our relationship is pretty good at this point.

Sorry to ramble.

[subliminalrabbit]

Oh gosh y'all, I knew about some of this but certainly not all. Lots of love all around.

[catalinapink]

DD details
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If you are even the slightest bit uncomfortable, don't let her be alone with G. You are not being paranoid, she gave you a reason to not trust her.

[vasc]

anw39, honestly I wouldn't even worry about it until the move happens and they're facing you with, "Can DD come over or spend the night?" They might not be th type of grandparents who even offer that. It might be as simple as just meeting up with them in public places or group settings, where you'll have plenty of other eyes watching everything.

Just have a response in your head in the unlikely event it ever happens.

Your dad may be a delightful person. But he married a witch and stayed with her even after learning of the abuse you endured. I argue he brought these circumstances on himself.

[majwv8]

More hugs for everyone on this thread. I have no experience to give you advice from, but I would wait till they actually move or a time comes up when they want to be alone. It could just be talk now and take a while to actually happen. I would also probably have a private conversation with you dad first. But no, I would not feel guilty about never leaving her alone with them.

[germaphobe]

Jun 21, 2015 22:32:41 GMT -5 subliminalrabbit said:

Oh gosh y'all, I knew about some of this but certainly not all. Lots of love all around.






Stuck in a box. 

All of this. Wow. 

[sctiger]

I'm sorry for what some of you have been through. No one should have to go through that.

I wouldnt let your daughter be alone with them. Even if you've forgiven her, that trust is gone.