How do you balance good timing and not "scheduling" sex?

[pinkcat]

Hi GKU!

We have been TTC for 3 months, but one thing I am struggling with is trying to balance having good timing each month while trying to not "schedule" sex. I don't want TTC to take over our sex life, but I also find myself stressing over our timing each month and worrying that it's not good enough. I don't want to take away the spontaneity or intimacy we have, but then there are days I find myself worrying about missing the timing and feeling like I should be better at "planning" it.

How do you handle this? Do you "schedule" sex or just let it happen as it happens...or somewhere in between this? I know I am over thinking this, so I would like to hear how others deal with this!

[hlm184]

I schedule it, but I also have a toddler. Pre-baby, if I knew it was fertile week, I would just make sure I was being good about initiating and be spontaneous the rest of the month.

[emilie]

We don't schedule sex. There were a couple months where we tried to get "good timing", and it made us both feel awkward and bad when we felt like we had to have tired or unenthusiastic sex just because of timing. I know different couples have different sex lives, and if you don't have regular or frequent sex, you might want to make sure you a hit a couple times in your FW. But if you do have pretty regular sex, you're probably going to hit your FW anyway.

[wannabmama]

I struggle with this. Our schedules make sex during the week sometimes tricky and in the beginning I was just putting more effort in around the right time and hoping. But now it's been almost a year and MH is more focused so he's always asking when it's baby making time. I tell him and he usually forgets but this month he put it on his calendar. So yeah, it's scheduled for the 5 or so days of my FW, at least to hit EOD, but the rest of the month is just for fun so it hasn't started to bother us yet. It helps that my FW is relatively predictable so we only have to schedule for 5 days or so and we don't have to hit them all. He's also become a master of the quickie. When it's baby making time we are "wham bam thank you ma'am," ha!

[zombiesquad]

It's somewhat scheduled in my mind. MH just doesn't know it. If I have an idea of when my FW is (which I usually don't), or we just shoot for EOD, then I make sure I initiate and MH thinks nothing of it.

[mrsjene]

It used to be scheduled.

"H! Get your ass in here now and let's get this show on the road."

Too bad that didn't actually work, but that's another story.

[sleepymonkey]

Jun 25, 2015 13:47:07 GMT -5 hlm184 said:

I schedule it, but I also have a toddler. Pre-baby, if I knew it was fertile week, I would just make sure I was being good about initiating and be spontaneous the rest of the month.

This is us. Pre-baby, we had a much more active sex life and during my FW, I initiated a lot. With a toddler, we are much more limited in our opportunities so we need to schedule. This month we have been terrible about it but next month we plan to aim for EOD during the fertile week. Basically it will be get DD to bed by 8 (hopefully) then head to the bedroom before I crash out by 9:30. Romantic, I know.

[shadesofgold]

This is a challenging balance, to be sure. I think you can certainly maintain the intimacy and fun of sex in the FW, but maybe let go of the need for it to be spontaneous. (The point of this all is to be intentional about having sex during a certain date range, so those are kind of mutually exclusive concepts.)

MH and I always check in with each other around 4 pm to see what the other person's plans were for the night ahead. During my FW (or other times I'm just feeling into it) I will just put it out there, like "Going to the gym, home in time for dinner, have had sex with you on my mind all day, so hoping to get to that." I made an event on our shared Google calendar called "Do not schedule" through our predicted FW. MH and I both knew that meant we were hoping to do a lot of boning that week. But we didn't HIO every day and we were just up front with each other if we weren't into it that night. So that isn't really scheduled sex, but intentional about making it a priority. The other thing is that I usually experience increased sex drive, so I am also really wanting the sex in and of itself.

That said, if scheduling causes pressure, performance issues or just general bad feelings about the whole process, you can certainly take a more laid back approach. You could just take it as it comes. Or if you want it to feel natural and exciting (rather than forced) try to up your game with sexting, lingerie, sexy movies, other tactics to spice it up.

[pismoduo]

We spent the first few months just trying to have more sex in general and I avoided saying anything to H (at his request) about when I was in the window. The last few cycles though, he's gotten frustrated with the fact that he turned me down (because he was tired, or not feeling well or whatever) and we missed the window, so he's asked me to mention it to him.

The balance for us is that I never mention ovulation or FW or any of that when we're about to have sex or when I'm initiating sex or when we're in bed. Usually it's more like a quick "Hey, I'm going to ovulate sometime this week I think" in the morning as we're getting ready for work. Just a heads up to him that it's important to make an effort or make some TIME during the next few days.

The tricky part for me is figuring out the "when". Sometimes I have fertile CM for more than a week, sometimes only for a day or two.

ETA: I should add that we've both been dealing with low sex drive for the last year or so, which doesn't help. We're usually at once or twice a week, but sometimes not.

[requiressnacks]

I would be lying if I said I didn't schedule it. I use digital OPK's and basically, once I get a flashing smiley face I tell H that "this is the week and we are going to do it, a lot." It is the opposite of sexy, but with our conflicting work schedules, it is what it is. Honestly, it's been kind of fun. And neither of us has any performance anxiety when it is scheduled. We actually both prefer it so that we can prepare.

[kawaiikitsune]

We just have sex like we normally would. If it happens to coincide with my FW, great. If not, no big deal. I used to stress about hitting all/certain days but at this point in our TTC journey, I could care less.

[joy]

We have sex when we want. If it falls in the fertile window, then great. If not, I don't sweat it.

But, we hit at least 1 day in our fertile window every single cycle. One day is good enough for me as it's good enough for anyone to get pregnant.

[wirt2cute]

Jun 25, 2015 13:55:40 GMT -5 zombiesquad said:

It's somewhat scheduled in my mind. MH just doesn't know it. If I have an idea of when my FW is (which I usually don't), or we just shoot for EOD, then I make sure I initiate and MH thinks nothing of it.

This is totally me. I know in my head what needs to happen. 

[roastytoasty]

Early on DH did not want to be informed of anything, so I did my best to act spontaneous and instigate. I got shot down a few times during FW which was frustrating. Our timing was never great. I finally broke down about it and we had a long discussion. Turns out he was just completely oblivious.

Our current compromise has been much better. I give him the week range to expect, but no further dates or planning. Sex can still be fun and somewhat spontaneous, just more frequent during that week

[hlm184]

Yeah, DH didn't know until last month that you can only get pregnant a couple days out of a month. He thought there was always a chance.

[joy]

Jun 25, 2015 14:43:07 GMT -5 hlm184 said:

Yeah, DH didn't know until last month that you can only get pregnant a couple days out of a month. He thought there was always a chance.

Is this where I should share my nifty cycle graphic for one of the articles?

[jewel441]

I tell DH when FW is, he doesn't mind. Right now, I feel like making an extra effort to get busy has been good for us.

[hlm184]

Jun 25, 2015 14:45:35 GMT -5 joy said:

Jun 25, 2015 14:43:07 GMT -5 hlm184 said:

Yeah, DH didn't know until last month that you can only get pregnant a couple days out of a month. He thought there was always a chance.

Is this where I should share my nifty cycle graphic for one of the articles?

Pretty sure DH would be all "TMI TMI!" if I showed him that.  He's so weird.  Like, no problem helping deliver our child, but talk about menstruation and ovulation and stuff?  LOL.

[wannabmama]

shadesofgold I like the line "intentional about making it a priority," that is totally us.

[Rama]

It's work for us, too. If we didn't schedule sex to some extent, we wouldn't have much of a chance at all. We have sex when we want to, and as best as I can guess with my unpredictable cycles. MrRama is a champ.

[icaughtfire]

Jun 25, 2015 14:24:23 GMT -5 joy said:

We have sex when we want. If it falls in the fertile window, then great. If not, I don't sweat it.

But, we hit at least 1 day in our fertile window every single cycle. One day is good enough for me as it's good enough for anyone to get pregnant.

This. All of this. Plus, my sex drive seems to increase around the time of O so it usually works out for the best anyway.

[penguin129]

Jun 25, 2015 14:43:07 GMT -5 hlm184 said:

Yeah, DH didn't know until last month that you can only get pregnant a couple days out of a month. He thought there was always a chance.

My H still doesn't believe there is only a certain time women can get pregnant. 

[penguin129]

I know when my FW is happening and will maybe tell DH. We won't schedule it on a calendar, but I'll try to make it happen more in the FW. Depending how long it takes I may change my mind.

[Deleted]

Jun 25, 2015 15:42:45 GMT -5 icaughtfire said:

Jun 25, 2015 14:24:23 GMT -5 joy said:

We have sex when we want. If it falls in the fertile window, then great. If not, I don't sweat it.

But, we hit at least 1 day in our fertile window every single cycle. One day is good enough for me as it's good enough for anyone to get pregnant.

This. All of this. Plus, my sex drive seems to increase around the time of O so it usually works out for the best anyway.

MH's sex drive seems to increase too. The closer to O, the more handsy he gets.

He was intially overwhelmed by the concept of a FW, so I backed off from telling him when it was happening.

However, he sees when I start using OPKs, and more recently the CBFM, so I have to assume by now that he has figured out when we might be heading into a FW.

Also he started calling the CBFM, my ClearBlue Gameboy. Almost funny.

[miggg]

Between our jobs, school and our toddler, we're lucky if we are conscious enough to converse after DS goes to bed, much less HIO. I know that sounds pathetic but it's our reality right now. If we didn't schedule it, it wouldn't happen. My drive definitely increases around O though so it usually feels somewhat natural.

We're pretty much straight to the point though. It usually goes something like this:

DH: "Soo... I see you've been peeing on things... Shall we meet in the bedroom around 9...?" <wink, wink, nudge, nudge>

We're very romantic.

[rablissful]

I have next to no sex drive (which is a problem I'm working on, although it is based on various health issues) so there are times where we can go a week or two without sex.

During FW I've been initiating more. My SO is loving it. He knows that means I'm probably ovulation, which is a turn on for him as well.

If you have a regular sex life then you are probably fine and have no need to schedule it.

[emilie]

Also, at first H had no clue, but now that we've been trying for 13+ months, and I have regular cycles, he's pretty much figured out where FW falls and is like "hey, should we be having a lot of sex now?"

[kaliRN]

Jun 25, 2015 16:33:20 GMT -5 rablissful said:

I have next to no sex drive (which is a problem I'm working on, although it is based on various health issues) so there are times where we can go a week or two without sex.

During FW I've been initiating more. My SO is loving it. He knows that means I'm probably ovulation, which is a turn on for him as well.

If you have a regular sex life then you are probably fine and have no need to schedule it.

+1! If we didn't schedule it, we wouldn't always hit the window. We make it fun even if it's scheduled.

[paloslee]

the last few cycles have felt like a task/job. I now, just want to have sex for fun again. I will jump his bones when I feel like it. And he will too. DH will tell me "let me gets some in" lol so that's how he initiates sex.

[azurestar]

Jun 25, 2015 14:43:07 GMT -5 hlm184 said:

Yeah, DH didn't know until last month that you can only get pregnant a couple days out of a month. He thought there was always a chance.

hlm184, Have him watch The Great Sperm Race on YouTube. It totally clicked for MH after watching it. 

I try to initiate more during the FW but also try to be spontaneous at other times of the month too.