Me and my stepmother...long story long....
Jun 29, 2015 12:19:31 GMT -5
Post by lioness13 on Jun 29, 2015 12:19:31 GMT -5
This is going to be a long one. Grab a drink and pull up a chair. (Warning - there are a few f-bombs ahead)
My dad and my stepmother got married when I was around three years old so I remember her being in my life forever. They've also had problems for a long time. They had problems conceiving and carrying a pregnancy so they adopted my brother when I was 12. When I was in high school my step mom shared with me that my dad was cheating on her. They separated for a year or two and then got back together. I always had a pretty good relationship with her and we became closer as I got older. I was not as close with my dad and I was very angry with him sometimes because I did not feel like he was there for me. I lived in New York and he lives in Maryland and we only got to see each other maybe twice a year. Our relationship has gotten a million times better since I got married. My stepmother is very loving and caring and always treated me well. Fast forward to a few years ago when her and my dad start having more problems. They mostly centered around my brother. They did not agree on how to raise/discipline him. He was in college and fucking up pretty badly so he moved back home. When he was back home he quit his job and lied about it, he stole money and did some other stupid things like wrecking a car. I believe he was drunk or high when he did that. My dad wanted to throw him out but my step mom wanted him to stay home. My dad and brother got into a physical altercation and my brother left. My stepmother would call me and tell me how horrible my father was and how he never really loved my brother. Over the years she has also told me numerous times that he cheated. Finally they decided to separate and got divorced about a year later. My dad started dating someone new and my stepmother told me that my dad had been cheating with her when they were still married. Two years after the divorce my dad got remarried.
My stepmother has been very bitter since the divorce. I don't blame her. Starting over must be hard after 30+ years of marriage. So then 10 months after the divorce I have a baby. First she asks me to be in the delivery room. Awkward! I told her no thank you but I asked her to come 2 weeks after kj was born to help me right after my mom left and she did. We had a very nice visit and she offered to come back again whenever we needed her. She offered to come in the fall to babysit while DH and I celebrated our college homecoming. About 2 weeks before she cancelled on me. I can't remember why. Then she said she wanted to come in January for MLK weekend but so did my dad so I asked her to come in the spring or the weekend after instead. I can't remember what happened but she said she didn't have enough to time off or money to come. She was planning on going on a cruise. I purposely didn't mention KJ's first birthday and she never asked what we were planning. She mentioned coming to visit late July or August. About a month before the party, she got the invitation and said she didn't know I was doing anything and wouldn't be able to come. I was relieved. I knew my mom, dad and his new girlfriend would be coming. I didn't want everyone to be in the same place and for it to be awkward. My dad got married that August, then in October my dad bought us tickets to come to MD to visit him. I didn't tell my stepmother I was coming because I felt like my dad paid for the tickets so it was his visit. Plus she hadn't made an effort to see me. She happened to call me when I was there and I told her I was in town. I apologized for not telling her but explained that I felt awkward. Then I asked if we could see her that Sunday morning before we left. On Saturday night she called me to tell me she couldn't see me on Sunday. I figured it was out of anger but I understood. She was supposed to come again in October for homecoming but canceled again. So a few weeks after that her and I had a talk. She told me that she felt like I'd been leaving her out of things. I explained to her that I felt awkward and I felt like I was in the middle of her and my dad so I was trying to manage everything/everyone. We agreed that it was best for me to not be pressured to manage things and to just invite everyone to everything and let the chips fall where they may. I apologized profusely because I had been unfair to her and I had been leaving her out. I felt horrible about it. She said she understood.
Well fast forward to Thanksgiving Day. She called me and said happy Thanksgiving then said we needed to talk but it didn't have to be that day. I told her I had time to talk right then. She told me that she was upset I didn't tell her my dad not remarried. She said I was her daughter and should have told her. I was totally surprised because I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her (she found out because my dad told her a few weeks before). I told her that I don't share any info with them about each other. She commented that she thought we were a blended family. I told her I don't feel like we are because we aren't really all on good terms. It just doesn't feel like it to me and it will take time to get to a better place. I told her that she has no right to know anything about my dad now that they aren't together. Months earlier she had told me that she wasn't talking to her sister because her sister told my dad her business. But I guess its okay if we tell her stuff about him. How hypocritical! So we ended the conversation with me telling her that I wasn't wrong and that we could talk more about it later. I was so upset! I should not have invited this conversation to happen on Thanksgiving Day. It kind of messed me up for the day. I called her back a few days later and she didn't answer. I don't think I tried again but I sent her a gift for Christmas. She called me on Christmas day and said Merry Christmas and then said she didn't send any cards or gifts this year. Ummmm okay, whatevs. I was a little hurt because the year before she sent KJ a bunch of stuff and I just felt like because she was mad at me she was taking it out on KJ too. So I called her after Christmas and didn't get answer so I just let it go.
When Mother's Day came I couldn't let the day pass without anything so I sent her a card with a note inside saying I hope we talk soon. She sent me a return card that said she backed away because she was hurt by me using her and only wanting her on my time. And she also said she was upset I said we aren't a blended family. I don't think she understood what I meant. I was irritated by that but I want us to resolve this so I am trying not to read too much into her words and get defensive. I don't always like her but she's been a mom to me and I love her. I feel like I want her in my life. I feel like I want her in KJ's life. At the same time I'm pissed that she said I was using her and only wanted her on my time. She offered to come down and babysit when we needed and told me to tell her when we wanted her to come. Andplusalso I was a new mom and I needed people. I needed them. And that's fucking okay! Its okay for me to ask for help. Instead I get told I'm using her? Fuck that! And she NEVER came! I haven't seen her in 2 years - since KJ was born. Plus I'm also annoyed that she has told me all this bad crap about my dad over the years to get me on "her side" (my brother no longer talks to me or my dad because of this) and tries to emotionally blackmail me by not talking to me. I resent her for that but I also feel like I can forgive her for it.
Sooooo, (this is almost over - I promise!) now I'm trying to wade through how I feel and what to say. I texted her today and said I had been thinking about her and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to make a move or wait for her to call me so I wanted her to know that I want to talk when she's ready. She responded and said she was ready to talk now. I'm thinking about calling her tonight. I don't know why but I just can't walk away. Maybe I should take this out she's given me because maybe its not worth it.
I would love to hear your advice/input and support. I appreciate your listening (reading) and support as always. It means a lot to me. Y'all are like my extended family (not to confuse that with blended family
)
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My dad and my stepmother got married when I was around three years old so I remember her being in my life forever. They've also had problems for a long time. They had problems conceiving and carrying a pregnancy so they adopted my brother when I was 12. When I was in high school my step mom shared with me that my dad was cheating on her. They separated for a year or two and then got back together. I always had a pretty good relationship with her and we became closer as I got older. I was not as close with my dad and I was very angry with him sometimes because I did not feel like he was there for me. I lived in New York and he lives in Maryland and we only got to see each other maybe twice a year. Our relationship has gotten a million times better since I got married. My stepmother is very loving and caring and always treated me well. Fast forward to a few years ago when her and my dad start having more problems. They mostly centered around my brother. They did not agree on how to raise/discipline him. He was in college and fucking up pretty badly so he moved back home. When he was back home he quit his job and lied about it, he stole money and did some other stupid things like wrecking a car. I believe he was drunk or high when he did that. My dad wanted to throw him out but my step mom wanted him to stay home. My dad and brother got into a physical altercation and my brother left. My stepmother would call me and tell me how horrible my father was and how he never really loved my brother. Over the years she has also told me numerous times that he cheated. Finally they decided to separate and got divorced about a year later. My dad started dating someone new and my stepmother told me that my dad had been cheating with her when they were still married. Two years after the divorce my dad got remarried.
My stepmother has been very bitter since the divorce. I don't blame her. Starting over must be hard after 30+ years of marriage. So then 10 months after the divorce I have a baby. First she asks me to be in the delivery room. Awkward! I told her no thank you but I asked her to come 2 weeks after kj was born to help me right after my mom left and she did. We had a very nice visit and she offered to come back again whenever we needed her. She offered to come in the fall to babysit while DH and I celebrated our college homecoming. About 2 weeks before she cancelled on me. I can't remember why. Then she said she wanted to come in January for MLK weekend but so did my dad so I asked her to come in the spring or the weekend after instead. I can't remember what happened but she said she didn't have enough to time off or money to come. She was planning on going on a cruise. I purposely didn't mention KJ's first birthday and she never asked what we were planning. She mentioned coming to visit late July or August. About a month before the party, she got the invitation and said she didn't know I was doing anything and wouldn't be able to come. I was relieved. I knew my mom, dad and his new girlfriend would be coming. I didn't want everyone to be in the same place and for it to be awkward. My dad got married that August, then in October my dad bought us tickets to come to MD to visit him. I didn't tell my stepmother I was coming because I felt like my dad paid for the tickets so it was his visit. Plus she hadn't made an effort to see me. She happened to call me when I was there and I told her I was in town. I apologized for not telling her but explained that I felt awkward. Then I asked if we could see her that Sunday morning before we left. On Saturday night she called me to tell me she couldn't see me on Sunday. I figured it was out of anger but I understood. She was supposed to come again in October for homecoming but canceled again. So a few weeks after that her and I had a talk. She told me that she felt like I'd been leaving her out of things. I explained to her that I felt awkward and I felt like I was in the middle of her and my dad so I was trying to manage everything/everyone. We agreed that it was best for me to not be pressured to manage things and to just invite everyone to everything and let the chips fall where they may. I apologized profusely because I had been unfair to her and I had been leaving her out. I felt horrible about it. She said she understood.
Well fast forward to Thanksgiving Day. She called me and said happy Thanksgiving then said we needed to talk but it didn't have to be that day. I told her I had time to talk right then. She told me that she was upset I didn't tell her my dad not remarried. She said I was her daughter and should have told her. I was totally surprised because I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her (she found out because my dad told her a few weeks before). I told her that I don't share any info with them about each other. She commented that she thought we were a blended family. I told her I don't feel like we are because we aren't really all on good terms. It just doesn't feel like it to me and it will take time to get to a better place. I told her that she has no right to know anything about my dad now that they aren't together. Months earlier she had told me that she wasn't talking to her sister because her sister told my dad her business. But I guess its okay if we tell her stuff about him. How hypocritical! So we ended the conversation with me telling her that I wasn't wrong and that we could talk more about it later. I was so upset! I should not have invited this conversation to happen on Thanksgiving Day. It kind of messed me up for the day. I called her back a few days later and she didn't answer. I don't think I tried again but I sent her a gift for Christmas. She called me on Christmas day and said Merry Christmas and then said she didn't send any cards or gifts this year. Ummmm okay, whatevs. I was a little hurt because the year before she sent KJ a bunch of stuff and I just felt like because she was mad at me she was taking it out on KJ too. So I called her after Christmas and didn't get answer so I just let it go.
When Mother's Day came I couldn't let the day pass without anything so I sent her a card with a note inside saying I hope we talk soon. She sent me a return card that said she backed away because she was hurt by me using her and only wanting her on my time. And she also said she was upset I said we aren't a blended family. I don't think she understood what I meant. I was irritated by that but I want us to resolve this so I am trying not to read too much into her words and get defensive. I don't always like her but she's been a mom to me and I love her. I feel like I want her in my life. I feel like I want her in KJ's life. At the same time I'm pissed that she said I was using her and only wanted her on my time. She offered to come down and babysit when we needed and told me to tell her when we wanted her to come. Andplusalso I was a new mom and I needed people. I needed them. And that's fucking okay! Its okay for me to ask for help. Instead I get told I'm using her? Fuck that! And she NEVER came! I haven't seen her in 2 years - since KJ was born. Plus I'm also annoyed that she has told me all this bad crap about my dad over the years to get me on "her side" (my brother no longer talks to me or my dad because of this) and tries to emotionally blackmail me by not talking to me. I resent her for that but I also feel like I can forgive her for it.
Sooooo, (this is almost over - I promise!) now I'm trying to wade through how I feel and what to say. I texted her today and said I had been thinking about her and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to make a move or wait for her to call me so I wanted her to know that I want to talk when she's ready. She responded and said she was ready to talk now. I'm thinking about calling her tonight. I don't know why but I just can't walk away. Maybe I should take this out she's given me because maybe its not worth it.
I would love to hear your advice/input and support. I appreciate your listening (reading) and support as always. It means a lot to me. Y'all are like my extended family (not to confuse that with blended family
)
