SO Relationship Check-In

[Widget123]

I thought it might be a good idea to check in to see how all of the SO's have been handling the arrival of the LO's.

New parents- are you starting to get comfortable in your new roles?
STM+- how has SO been handling the new addition?  
everyone- how have you been balancing responsibilities? is there any conflict/tension or is your relationship holding strong?

[Widget123]

DH and I had some heated arguments during the first week of LO's arrival, especially after all hell broke lose with DD. But things are a lot calmer between us now that life is mostly back to normal. And things never reached the level of how bad they were when DD was born. DH has been uncharacteristically lovey-Dovey lately; I think he missed us when we were away for most of last week.

In terms of balancing responsibility, DH was on a major cleaning spree during paternity leave which was nice, but he also insisted on starting to remodel the basement, and then of course the basement flooded twice... So a lot of cleaning, organizing, etc. the basement all of which really wasn't necessary at the moment but it's mostly done for now. Balancing the kids during bedtime could use some work- DH you can't just roll over and go to bed and leave me with 2 wide awake kids. Oh and DHs time management getting DD ready in the mornings sucks. But hopefully it will continue to get better with time.

Nevertheless, things are pretty good overall.

[musicfrk2002]

My MIL rearranged half of our apartment (or so it seems) while I was in the hospital, so I have been fixing that while taking care of LO.

We may end up cosleeping, as much as I have been trying to avoid it. Kiddo has been asleep for nearly 4 hours now and it would be awesome to get a stretch like that during the night.

H was awesome at the hospital and here on the weekends, but the 2 days he has gone to work he comes home and sits on the computer for half the evening. Which is what he is used to doing, but it would be nice to get a little break without me having to tell him to take care of his son for awhile. So that is a bit frustrating right now.

[turtletyme]

H has been great during his time off work. Trips to the store, washing bottles, and of course taking lots of time with LO. He didn't change overnight though, so his mental block about laundry persists (leaving dirty clothes on the floor and walking past folded laundry instead of putting it away.) annoying. We have snapped at each other here and there as a result of the exhaustion, but nothing major. Overall I think he is doing amazing and I am so proud of him. If only he would stop talking about how tired he is!
Edit to fix weird question mark smileys.

[baytosa2013]

New parents- are you starting to get comfortable in your new roles?

I think that we are starting to get comfortable. We are still figuring out how to do things in a new way with a little person.


everyone- how have you been balancing responsibilities? is there any conflict/tension or is your relationship holding strong?

I am definitely taking on more but DH has taken over the cooking when he gets home so that I can rest so I'm grateful for that. Right now it's a little off just because Im home. I've been struggling with seeing all the things that need to be done yet everyone telling me I should be taking it easy and recovering from surgery. I feel like if I let the house go then it's going to be SO MUCH HARDER to catch back up. As I get closer to having to go back to work, we have a plan to start doing things as we would with both of us working so that we can get used to it and work out some bugs. We have always split the household stuff so we will have to sit down and sort of rework who does what adding in all the new duties of a newborn. He has his moments but for the majority of the time DH has been just amazing stepping up, participating and being in the moment with us.

Can I add a topic?

How is everyone doing with just being a couple?

We have not had any arguments or fights regarding responsibility but I've had moments where I've felt disconnected, especially in the last few weeks of pregnancy and first couple weeks after the baby. It's starting to get better and we are getting back to being more loving and connected. I know that the physical disconnect is a big thing. I was miserable and didn't really do much to take care of DH's needs. I actually found a tube of lube while putting things away and I hadn't even realized he was taking care of things. We talked about it (it doesn't bother me I just didn't know) and I told him I wished he would have just said something to me. I'm ready to get back to being physical but have to wait for the dr to clear me. We are planning to get out and do something fun on Friday since he's off to help get us back to feeling like normal people and like "us". I'm most afraid of losing my marriage to parenthood so I am determined to work to keep things with us special.

[wegrowsheep]

DH got a whole weekend off between teaching being over and starting a new job (no more teaching! hooray!). I've been trying to be supportive while he gets used to a much longer commute, different work environment, etc. But +1 on the asking for help. I wish he wouldn't just take LO and pass out on the recliner. It makes me feel like a nag, but I've been harping on him about putting LO in his crib so I can have help with things like household chores and parenting the other kids. He's not a multitasker.

[wegrowsheep]

And in regards to being a couple ....

Seriously DH, I'm not interested in sex right now, so stop talking about it. You will live a couple more weeks, don't act like you're dying.

We did go out to dinner friday night, and it was fun.

[tatersalad]

We had serious issues when DS #1 was born, and ended up seeking counseling a year later, so I was really nervous to see how things would play out when this baby arrived. So far my hubby has been awesome and I need to give him props. Going straight to formula has helped him take charge of feedings and he has been great about sharing middle of the night duties. We own our own businesses so paternity leave isn't really an option. With DS #1 he would take off super early in the morning and leave me alone all day with baby duty starting from the day after we came home from the hospital. This time he has been much better about working out a later start and coming home early to make up for not taking consecutive days off. He has also been making comments about how he can't wait to get physical with my Dolly Parton esque self, but I have zero interest in anything physical (although working out is starting to sound appealing) at 11 days post partum and reminded him that we will be needing to test his vasectomy around my 6 week check up anyways. Best advice I can offer to anyone struggling is to communicate often and early. Date nights are crucial and we've been lucky enough to have had one over the weekend and will get time to ourselves to play golf tomorrow afternoon.

[silv3rlining]

Jun 30, 2015 10:58:07 GMT -5 wegrowsheep said:

And in regards to being a couple ....

Seriously DH, I'm not interested in sex right now, so stop talking about it. You will live a couple more weeks, don't act like you're dying.

We did go out to dinner friday night, and it was fun.

I had to chuckle at this only because I can't wait to get the all clear at my 6 week check up...granted not like the kids will actually allow us time to DTD plus the kids and I are moving the weekend after I'm cleared and going to stay with my mom for a few weeks until DH joins us for his new job.

[pghtruelove]

SO has been mostly wonderful. Doing most of the chores around the house for the first week. The only thing that has been making me mad is that instead of sleeping normal hours he stays awake all night watching YouTube videos or playing video games and then when J is fussy in the morning I have no help because he can't open his eyes.

We haven't had any brawls yet, hopefully we keep it that way. He does a really good job at letting me know he loves me and will help in anyway.

[tiffbot]

Things are going well. Last time I had myself believing I needed to do everything myself especially overnight and I totally burned myself out, with a nearly 2 year old now I know I don't have time for that. So I've been a lot more relaxed to hand her off or even wake H up if I'm having a bad night. He doesn't care, he is great in knowing this all is both our jobs and not just mine because I'm a SAHM and often tells me to remind me not to feel bad about getting him. Often he starts the night cuddling DD to sleep so I have some bed time baby free, and that's been really all I need to prepare for the night.

Also, today is his last day at work for summer break! He's actually done at noon so one more hour and I've got an extra two hands for the next few weeks! Yay!

[Bluedaisy]

Jun 30, 2015 11:10:10 GMT -5 @jemomma said:

Jun 30, 2015 10:58:07 GMT -5 wegrowsheep said:

And in regards to being a couple ....

Seriously DH, I'm not interested in sex right now, so stop talking about it. You will live a couple more weeks, don't act like you're dying.

We did go out to dinner friday night, and it was fun.

I second this! H's response to the question "what do you want to do today/tonight?" Is always "you"... It doesn't help that my chest resembles Dolly Parton's right now also :/
He started singing " 9 to 5" when I got out of the shower this morning.

OMG I totally don't go here yet and was just stalking this thread but this soooo made me giggle at the 9-5 singing!

[billyhorrible]

The first 3 weeks were great. DH is always fantastic at pulling his weight, both before and after kids. With LBB we both would get up at night, I'd feed, he'd take care of everything else. But this time we've split "kid duties" so I do all the night stuff with BH and then he gets a good night sleep to deal with LBB's early wakeups. DH did all the cooking and cleaning while he was home on leave. As far as "couple stuff" LBB is in school 3 days a week, which is nice because it gives us time together. We went out to coffee, wine tasting, walks.

He started back to work yesterday, which obviously changes things a little, because now I'm back to cooking (used up the last freezer meal last night!). And while he was in charge of bedtime with LBB, last night he started pulling the whole "I can't get him to settle down" thing with putting BH down (which he did with LBB too). I need to give him a little come to Jesus talk tonight about finding his own way to settle the baby.

[bruunk]

DH has been great. We are working on talking and he's very supportive as I deal with the hormones. He's also doing everything else - cooking cleaning etc. Only complaint is waking him up at night if I need his help. He always says he got up what's my deal, but I have to point out - yeah you woke up at 5 am after I kicked the bed to wake you up - I'd been trying to get your help since 3! We knew his heavy sleeping might be a problem so I shouldn't be surprised.

[Deleted]

i feel like I could answer this different depending on the day but for today everything is going really well. Overall our original plan was to split the duties between DH watching our two year old and I focus on the baby but it turns out lately DH is really good at soothing and watching the baby. He has swaddling, shooshing and rocking down like a pro. Its pretty awesome.

So in the evening I feed LO and then DH will take over and watch her, put her down for the night while I put our son to bed. She isn't as much of a cluster feeder as DS was she is mostly all business so it's easy to feed her and then have DH watch her.

For all the nighttime duties I handle everything so that DH can get a good nights sleep and be sane enough the next day to work. Since I'm on maternity leave I don't really need to be operating on all cylinders the next day.

Once i go back to work sept 1st im curious to see what our morning and evening schedule will be like w the kids . Especially since my job hours can vary and involve travel to Manhattan 6 times a year for 4 day trips. I also travel to China every other year but hoping to dodge that trip for the next year since I don't want to leave her before she is 1.

I'm looking forward to being cleared to have sex again by the doctor at my 6 week appt July 10th since I feel disconnected from him physically. I miss the passionate side of our relationship so much. Especially since in order to get a good night sleep he is temporarily sleeping in the office down the hall while LO sleeps in our room. We'll move her into her own room when she is 2 1/2- 3 months.

[laurenlou83]

So far everything has been going really well with DH and I. He only had a week off from work, so I have been handling most of MOTN feedings since he gets up for work every morning at 5am. He has gotten up here and there to assist on rough nights though, and on the weekends he lets me sleep in most mornings. We are strictly FF him, so DH helps out with feedings when he can, too. He has been 100% hands on, and not that I expected anything less, but it's been wonderful to see him and our little guy together.

I feel a little disconnected from him because he has been really busy at work and so much of our time and energy go into handling LO. We talked last night about how we still need to make time for "us" and discuss things other than him all the time. I'm more nervous for when I go back to work in 5 weeks and how the dynamic will change. I will need help with MOTN feedings more and the whole after work/nighttime routine will change a bit. 
I'm also excited to get the "all clear" at my PP check up on the 15th. I miss the intimacy with DH... I had no sex drive 3rd tri, so it's been awhile! 

[Deleted]

Widget123
Thank you for starting this thread. It's really great to read what everyone else is going through w their SO.

[mrskblack11]

Things have been good relationship wise. He has been good at taking care of household duties and making sure I am fed. If i need help with the baby I do have to ask. He normally won't offer to hold him because he hasn't figured out how to soothe him yet

[erbear]

H has been fantastic. He's starting to do his freelance work more which puts more on me in terms of middle of the night stuff, but when he's home he'll hold her while he works on the computer and he always changes her and loves to brush her hair and if she even fusses a bit he's swooping in to pick her up. Our nights now are usually him holding her on the couch while she naps and I snuggle up with them.

We're adjusting pretty well to our new roles, I have to say. I'm trying to not forget him in the whirlwind of baby.

[mrsmonogrammed]

I feel like we're settling into our new roles nicely! I was a little nervous about how everything would go once LO was here, but I seriously feel like our relationship is even better than before baby. H is so helpful with her and very loving towards us both. He's really stepped up and does 2 MOTN feedings by bottle while I go pump.
I'm still mostly in charge of house things, but I just do at least 1 thing a day and aim to cook dinner during LO's afternoon nap. It's been working nicely so far:)

[mcp6286]

DH seriously rocks. He's been off since H was born and I actually have to tell him to rest/take care of himself. He's always either holding her or cleaning up. He did all the laundry and errands for the first two weeks while I was on driving restriction. He also is always willing to split MOTN duties, which is amazing! Last night he slept out in the living room with her so I could get 8 full hours!That's what I'll miss most when he goes back to work full time next week. He's going to feed H around 10/11pm so I can go to bed early and sleep till her first AM feed, but then it's all me at night!

I haven't gotten mad at him and we haven't argued yet but I think our big adjustment will be when he's working and I'm home all day. I hope we continue working together and getting along when life gets busier! We both really miss being "us" and he's already started talking about possibly leaving H with his parents for an hour or two soon so we can see a movie or go to dinner. We were child-free for so long that it's been strange not going to bed at the same time every night or watching our TV shows uninterrupted. We're loving this new adventure but are def both serious about actively keeping our marriage growing and not just being H's parents all the time.

[ladysif]

Ha, I was venting earlier because DH thinks he has to do more than the basics since he is off work and is doing unnecessary projects instead of napping. I'm handling the sleep deprivation better than he is. He is being amazing with DS1 and bearing the brunt of that, is helping with diapers MOTN, but like turtletyme, ignores the piles of clean clothes etc. and is shorter tempered than usual. This too shall pass, and is part of the reason I hired a house cleaner for next week to do a one time thing. On the flip side he is being more affectionate which has been really nice.

[ombradellarosa]

I knew DH would be a great father because he's so good with kids. He told me though while I was pregnant that he doesn't much care for babies. Unlike me, he's spent much time with one baby: his niece whom he used to live with. She was pretty hard to like, I have to say. She only liked her parents so any time we babysat her she would scream the entire time and was generally exhausting. It took her years to grow out of the not-liking-anyone phase.

DH is so great with E. He'll hold her, swing her, sing and talk to her. It's really cute. He doesn't take her right away, but if I'm in the loo or the shower and she's crying, after a bit he'll come and comfort her. The sad thing is, he keeps talking about her hating him, I guess because sometimes she keeps crying because she's hungry. I'm planning to start pumping soon and I hope sincerely that being able to feed her will help him feel more connected. That's about all that gets her to stop crying most of the time, so that should help.

He's been sleeping on the couch, a) because his snoring was making me angry and he wanted to make me feel better, b) because I'm nervous about bedsharing and she won't sleep any other way, and I'm worried he might roll onto her, and c) to get some actual sleep now and then. I'm sad that we can't share our bed and I'm afraid it might be symbolic of our LO coming between us. I really want to make sure I still treat him as the most important person in my life, but it's so hard when I spend all my time taking care of our helpless baby or sleeping, and I struggle with feelings of resentment toward him because his life doesn't seem to have changed as much as mine has. I voiced to him my frustration with feeling like this is my whole life now, feeding the baby. He pointed out very encouragingly that I still get to do all the stuff I was doing before--play my video games, watch TV, read books--"but now you're doing something super productive at the same time." I really appreciated that, not least his positive attitude toward my breastfeeding, but I don't think he quite gets it. Yes, I still get to do a lot of the stuff I like, but some of it I can't do so easily. I can't get the house and nursery in order while I'm nursing and I rarely find time to work on it because I nurse all the time or sleep. I really wanted to have it all in order before the baby came because I was afraid of this happening. I knew I wouldn't be able to clean much and I didn't want to have to worry about it. It's not stuff someone else could necessarily do either, unfortunately. I could ask my dad or SIL for help but they're both kind of judgmental so I might want to avoid that. We'll see. Most of all, I can't do just what I want just when I want to, because I'm restricted by the baby eating and sleeping. And since I have to b with her all the time and I won't take her out to crowded places, I haven't been able to just shop or just go somewhere when I want to. Meanwhile he sleeps, eats, and plays his video games when it suits him (unless I stay too late on the couch, like tonight). I'm intensely jealous and I haven't been able to communicate it well enough.

We're doing our best to stay physically intimate without intercourse, which is challenging to work around our sleeping schedules so it doesn't happen often. Worth it to try though. He's been talking about us doing more things together, which I've been talking about for years. Pumping will be good because it will allow us to go on a date, something we haven't done in months at least. I can't remember the last time, ad I think it might not have been since we found out I was pregnant We both really wanted to go out at the end, before the baby came, but I didn't want to sit through a movie and we just didn't get around to much of anything because neither of us felt like going out. We have been watching Doctor Who together, a rare show that we both enjoy, so that's a little something at least. I really want use to keep our couple-ness even though we're parents now.

Overall, he's been amazingly helpful. He does encourage me to ask directly for what I want rather than dropping hints, which is good for me to work on because I am terrible about that. I wish he would do things like take out the trash and run the dishwasher without being asked, though He is doing great at telling me he loves me and reminding me that he finds me attractive. I can't complain, he's pretty amazing!

[theBeeMama]

We're only four days in to this whole journey with two kids, but so far it has been a complete roller coaster.

At least once a day I've gotten furious with H for being insensitive... Then five minutes later I'm sobbing into his arms and he's comforting me like a dear. So I think I may need to give it a couple more days to let the crazy hormones die down a bit before I give a real assessment. Lol.

But over all, we are learning a lot and our relationship is strengthening through the ups and downs. And he really is an amazing dad! He has a total magic touch, the same way he did with DS. We make a good team.

[txngrl31]

It was rough at first. My husband has a demanding job that causes him to work a lot. Before baby, he had a bachelor- type schedule where he went in around 9 and didn't come home until 8 pm, basically almost 12 hour days. I was no stranger to eating dinner alone. Even when I worked, I still did all the shopping and cooking. The first couple of weeks after baby was born, he kept that schedule. After many discussions, he has gotten a lot better and tries to work from home two days a week. My parents were in town for about a month, so we were able to fit in a few dates.

So, I need advice...please tell me if I am overreacting or if I have a legitimate complaint. Again, before baby, my MIL, who lives on the other side of the country, never called us to check in and never posted any photos of us on her precious FB page. Heck, there are no photos of me in her house! There are several photos of DH's sister, her husband and daughter on her FB profile and home. I kept telling myself, after baby, she will want to be more active in our lives. Nope - she never calls to check on baby and does not post pics of her new grand baby on FB, maybe two in the past month. She has, however, posted a bunch of her other granddaughter. And so the cycle continues!

I come from a family where are all the grandchildren receive equal attention and love...my mom always makes sure that no grandchild has more photos than the other. So am I being ridiculous! When I bring it up to DH, he says he will speak to germ but I know he won't and is just saying that to appease me.

[Widget123]

Jul 1, 2015 12:43:33 GMT -5 txngrl31 said:

It was rough at first. My husband has a demanding job that causes him to work a lot. Before baby, he had a bachelor- type schedule where he went in around 9 and didn't come home until 8 pm, basically almost 12 hour days. I was no stranger to eating dinner alone. Even when I worked, I still did all the shopping and cooking. The first couple of weeks after baby was born, he kept that schedule. After many discussions, he has gotten a lot better and tries to work from home two days a week. My parents were in town for about a month, so we were able to fit in a few dates.

So, I need advice...please tell me if I am overreacting or if I have a legitimate complaint. Again, before baby, my MIL, who lives on the other side of the country, never called us to check in and never posted any photos of us on her precious FB page. Heck, there are no photos of me in her house! There are several photos of DH's sister, her husband and daughter on her FB profile and home. I kept telling myself, after baby, she will want to be more active in our lives. Nope - she never calls to check on baby and does not post pics of her new grand baby on FB, maybe two in the past month. She has, however, posted a bunch of her other granddaughter. And so the cycle continues!

I come from a family where are all the grandchildren receive equal attention and love...my mom always makes sure that no grandchild has more photos than the other. So am I being ridiculous! When I bring it up to DH, he says he will speak to germ but I know he won't and is just saying that to appease me.

Not that I really want to bring up demanda, but I consider her situation similar-ish, and the consensus for her was, if this MIL wants nothing to do with DIL or grandchild then DIL should just let it go.  Yeah it sucks but perhaps it's better not to try to force a relationship.

[txngrl31]

Jul 1, 2015 12:48:33 GMT -5 Widget123 said:

Jul 1, 2015 12:43:33 GMT -5 txngrl31 said:

It was rough at first. My husband has a demanding job that causes him to work a lot. Before baby, he had a bachelor- type schedule where he went in around 9 and didn't come home until 8 pm, basically almost 12 hour days. I was no stranger to eating dinner alone. Even when I worked, I still did all the shopping and cooking. The first couple of weeks after baby was born, he kept that schedule. After many discussions, he has gotten a lot better and tries to work from home two days a week. My parents were in town for about a month, so we were able to fit in a few dates.

So, I need advice...please tell me if I am overreacting or if I have a legitimate complaint. Again, before baby, my MIL, who lives on the other side of the country, never called us to check in and never posted any photos of us on her precious FB page. Heck, there are no photos of me in her house! There are several photos of DH's sister, her husband and daughter on her FB profile and home. I kept telling myself, after baby, she will want to be more active in our lives. Nope - she never calls to check on baby and does not post pics of her new grand baby on FB, maybe two in the past month. She has, however, posted a bunch of her other granddaughter. And so the cycle continues!

I come from a family where are all the grandchildren receive equal attention and love...my mom always makes sure that no grandchild has more photos than the other. So am I being ridiculous! When I bring it up to DH, he says he will speak to germ but I know he won't and is just saying that to appease me.

Not that I really want to bring up demanda, but I consider her situation similar-ish, and the consensus for her was, if this MIL wants nothing to do with DIL or grandchild then DIL should just let it go.  Yeah it sucks but perhaps it's better not to try to force a relationship.

I basically lived by that advice before baby, but I feel a little different about it since having a child. she is actually coming to stay with us for a week, starting next week. It's such a conundrum because at times she acts like she cares, but then her actions suggest otherwise. Oh well-  it literally is out of my control! Thanks for the advice Widget123,!

[jcprn]

DH is so amazing with G. He has no qualms about changing diapers or trying to calm him when he fusses. He does miraculously sleep through MOTN crying but if I wake him he'll help. We haven't snapped at each other lately at night but G is also sleeping a lot better. During the day we're fine with each other. We just don't deal with lack of sleep well.

I definitely feel like we need to be intimate again. I miss that a lot. I think we need relationship time before I go back to work because I'm afraid we won't see each other much working different shifts. We've talked about me cutting down my hours at work but nothing is definite yet.

I think we've settled into our roles well and are doing a good job with our little guy. The beginning was rough getting used to such a huge change. As far as our responsibilities go I'm back to doing all the housework/cooking and DH is busy working on projects around the house and working extra. I asked him to go for a walk with us the other morning and he freaked out saying "fine but I have so much to do", blah, blah, blah. It's like if you're too busy or have other things to do then say no, don't make me feel bad for including you in a family thing.

But I definitely let him know that I don't appreciate it when he's being short or passive aggressive with me. I don't expect him to read my mind (anymore) and I try to be honest with how I feel.