another intro **trigger warning loss mentioned**

[rae80407]

Hi everybody. My name's Rae. I'm 24 and expecting my first child in December (2nd pregnancy). I've been with my fi for 8 years. I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life, made more prominent by my loss 3 years ago. That was the first time I sought medical treatment and took celexa for 6months. It was the scariest time of my life, I just knew the antidepressant was going to make me go crazy and kill everybody. I cried for the first night hours until I took it. It eventually helped and I weaned off after an appropriate time by my PCP.

I've never seen an actual therapist, although I'm strongly considering it now. It's just that I'm so scared. I just have this irrational fear that they will talk to me once and lock me away or take my child from me once she's born. I don't know why I feel that way.

I have times in my life where I just can not control my emotions. Mostly triggered by fights with my fi. I just lose my shit man. I hurt way deeper than I should and I get so upset that I lose myself in either a rage or an emotional torrent of pain and anguish. I'm fearful that my relationship can't take it and I certainly can't take the crushing alone feeling as well as the hole that it leaves in my heart.

I really want to start therapy but like I said, I'm so nervous to go that route. My relationship has been through so much and I feel like that contributes to the anguish and anxiety. I will go into that later. I just hope to join here and get advice and support from any of you who have been through anything like this as well as give support. It's just a very lonely feeling to think I'm the only one who feels so out of control at times. Thank you for reading and I hope to join in soon

[rae80407]

I could really use a friend right now.

[juliayadda]

Hugs Rae

All those things are hard when you aren't pregnant. Combined with pregnancy hormones it is almost impossible on your own.

My first advice is to tell your OB about this anxiety at your next appointment. Trust me you wont be there first patient with these symptoms.

And second I want ease your fears about the idea they would take away your baby or lock you up for being depressed/anxious. It is simply untrue. You are not alone.

Welcome

[rae80407]

juliayadda, thank you for your assurances. I'm getting ready to start looking for a therapist but I've never been down that road before. Not only that, my relationship is so strained and I live around only his family. His family and I don't get along at the best of times much less if I need them and I live pretty far from my family. I just want to be normal. Why do I freak out like that? Why can't I stop or control myself in those times?? It just really sucks right now.

[bocaburger]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly have experienced being unable to control my emotions and I think many other people here have as well.

I think therapy could be very helpful for you. I have learned a lot of coping mechanisms from my therapist and I've seen real improvements in my ability to work through my emotions. It sounds like couples therapy could also be good for you. H and I recently started therapy together and even though our therapist isn't that great, we're finding it helpful just to have an hour set aside to talk calmly and respectfully about our relationship.

You could also try acupuncture and exercise such as prenatal yoga to help manage your emotions during this pregnancy.

I think you'll find this board very supportive. I'm glad you found your way here.

[rae80407]

bocaburger, thank you. I find myself at this moment laying wide awake I don't know if it is my anxiety or not. I don't even know how to feel when I lose control that way. I guess ashamed. I can't even stop at that moment and then I feel so incredibly guilty especially since I'm expecting. I just feel like once I blow up then I'm desperately trying to put all of the peices back together. I even pulled my hair like a mad woman today. It hasn't been that bad in a long while. I just felt so out of control of the entire situation.

I've never looked into therapy and I have no idea how to start. We don't have many to chose from where I live, a couple government funded and that just terrifies me. I don't know what else to do at this point because I feel as though everything is falling apart and that is when things are the worst for me. I don't know how to break that cycle. It's like I know we've had other fights and they've gotten bad, but every time I just feel our relationship is over with that fight and it triggers my panic which then makes.me frantic.


On other notes, sorry I'm venting so much I'm just so lost at the moment, but what can I expect from therapy? What would it start like? Would they assume I would harm myself because I get so frantic or would I have to specifically say that? I just get so scared as to what can happen to me when it comes to that or if they could make me out to be unstable and take my baby. I don't know why I'm so irrational right now. Honestly I would much rather find coping skills on my own than meds or have drs in control of me. I wish I could just change myself. Sorry again for the rant everyone, I'm just in a bad place at the moment and trying my hardest to cope.

[bocaburger]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. It sounds like therapy and possibly meds might be very helpful to you right now, to get your emotions under control enough until you are able to work through this. I am the same way, I prefer to avoid meds, but there have been two times where I had to recognize that the best thing I could do for myself and my marriage was to try meds. Both times, it was the right decision.

In terms of therapy, in your initial visit they will ask you about yourself, and their questions will likely include asking you about self-harm or thoughts of harming the baby. If they think you or the baby are in serious imminent danger, they may have you go to the hospital until the danger has passed. They're not going to take your baby away simply because you get frantic and panicky. The therapist's goal is simply to help you cope and stay safe.

[yoshijo28]

Welcome. I think finding a therapist is important for you. Remember, if you're not comfortable or don't click with the person you are not obligated to go back. Share what you are comfortable with on your initial visit but be honest. It seems like there's a lot you would want to talk about so I would try to organize your thoughts and think of the 1 or 2 most important topics you want to talk about. I was nervous finding a therapist but am surprised at how honest I can be with her. Each session I give her a recap of my week and we talk about what I want to focus on that session or she'll ask me questions. The initial visit can be a general overview of why you are there and what you are hoping to get out of therapy. We're here for you if you need anything

[Deleted]

Welcome, and hugs! I would echo what others have said and find a therapist. I had some of the same fears you do with my PPD, but once I talked to my midwife about how I was feeling, a lot of these feelings are actually stunningly common and most medical professionals are very supportive and happy that you are reaching out.

You can ask your OB/MW for recommendations. Let them know your fears and what you are looking for in a therapist and they can help you out.

There might also be some non-traditional type therapies you can check out (I go to a somatic therapist) - but work with your PCP and OB/MW to make the right decision.

It's wonderful you are reaching out and looking to take care of yourself.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

And you have friends here... don't worry about venting too much and feel free to PM me.

[rae80407]

Thank you so much all of you who responded. I made an appointment for Wednesday and my anxiety is definetly through the roof about it. I'm so discouraged right now and my relationship with my fi is so on the rocks. He just keeps calling me stupid and doesn't understand that while my mind is racing during an anxiety attack, it's hard for me to follow some of the things he's saying and I keep presenting my fears first. I just hope this works. I really do. Anybody do behavioral therapy? What's that like? It sounds like, "you don't act right let me show you." Oh my anxiety right now.

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

[Deleted]

rae80407, you have a PM.

And you are NOT stupid.

[bocaburger]

Behavioral therapy is great. It's definitely not "you're not doing this right", much more "lets work on ways for you to help yourself more effectively".

It may be helpful for your fiance to come with you at least once. Maybe your therapist can help you explain to him how you feel during a panic attack and how he can best support you in those moments.

[irishvodkagrl]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I wanted to repeat that a thousand times for you. Anxiety is a terrifying disorder on its own and when combined with pregnancy hormones it can be crippling. When I was pregnant I would lock myself in my room because I was so certain I would somehow harm the baby if I went out or did anything.

You can ALWAYS reach out to us here or PM me if you need to talk.

[icequeen]

rae80407, I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your pregnancy and within your home life. I can honestly say that I understand exactly how you feel when you say your anxiety and panic worsens during fights with your FI. It is the same with me and it often prevents me from improving, even though I know DH is trying to help. You are most certainly not stupid or weird for going through these emotions, and as you can see from this board, there are many women who are dealing with similar issues. You are not alone in your struggle and I hope your FI can be a little more understanding.

Starting therapy is a great step and I think this will really help you communicate your anxiety better to your FI. I think it would be a good idea for you to write out your psych medical history so you can recall the ups and downs more easily. Also, write down a list of questions you also have for the therapist. She may ask you what you are hoping to gain from therapy, so it would be good to think about that. He/she is definitely not there to point fingers and say you are doing this and that wrong, but to work with you to develop some coping skills to manage your symptoms and help you modify your behaviors into healthier ones. Most therapists are very laid back and just want you to be comfortable with asking for help and sitting in their office, so I doubt they will push you to do anything you don't want to do.

For me personally, meds are amazing and while I cannot take all of them during PG, the ones I do take help me manage my anxiety fairly well. It might be worth asking your therapist for some PPD/PPA support groups, and also ask your OB if she consults with a psych for any of her patients if you and your therapist decide to go the medication route.

[rae80407]

icequeen, thank you those are really helpful ideas and I thought along those lines. I did make a list including the first time I experienced anxiety and depression (after loss) how it was treated, how I managed since then. I included an example of how a fight where I've lost control of myself would go and how I really want to change that. I added goals for what I would like to reach through therapy and fears that therapy itself brings up for me.

Sometimes it's like I don't know this raging, crying, hair pulling crazy lady I become and then I feel so drained when its over and the tears, crying jags and guilt follows. It had been a while since I had an "episode" but I was scared that becoming pregnant would bring that back.

I just want to be the best mom I can be and I want this all under control before my baby girl is born. I never want her to see me this way.

I just want to learn how to not lose control of myself when I lose control of the situation.

[rae80407]

@sluttybigb00bz, I'm not sure if it's a therapist or psychiatrist to tell you the truth. I live in a small town and the only option I have is a government ran type thing. I think that adds to the anxiety for some reason.

How did your SO cope with you when you were out of control? Did you have guilt afterwards and become very sorrowful? It's like I bash him and then when he's had enough I become quite hysterical and start frantically and desperately trying to fix it so hard. I can't seem to grasp the whole leave him alone for a bit thing. It's like my whole world hangs on by a thread until the situation is fixed. I don't want to be like this in front of my daughter when she's here.

How did you get under control? Was it hard? Did it take forever?

[rae80407]

That does sound much better, @sluttybigb00bz! I hope I can do it and fast because my fi is definetly at the end of the rope and I don't want to lose him.

Did you have to take meds or was it just a rage issue?

[rae80407]

Jul 6, 2015 17:25:03 GMT -5 @sluttybigb00bz said:

Jul 6, 2015 17:24:16 GMT -5 rae80407 said:

That dies sound much better, @sluttybigb00bz! I hope I can do it and fast because my fi is definetly at the end of the rope and I don't want to lose him.

Did you have to take meds or was it just a rage issue?

I took meds but not forever - I have been off meds for about 5 years!

Good because I took that antidepressant and I really don't want to again. Maybe aftery baby is born. I've read that the behavior therapy can help depression and I'm not even depressed until I realize I've ruined everything.

[icequeen]

Jul 6, 2015 17:24:16 GMT -5 rae80407 said:

That does sound much better, @sluttybigb00bz! I hope I can do it and fast because my fi is definetly at the end of the rope and I don't want to lose him.

Did you have to take meds or was it just a rage issue?

rae80407, I couldn't help but notice the bolded line. You said y'all have been together for 8 years. Were your anxiety and anger management issues prominent throughout the whole relationship? It just seems confusing that your FI is at the end of his rope all of a sudden. Was he accepting of your behaviors in the past or were they just not as severe for him to notice much? I think after being together for 8 years and willing to marry and start a family with you would mean that both of y'all will stick by each other for better or worse, and this is probably one of those worse times. I just really want him to see that you will not always be your best self but the most important thing is that you are reaching out for help, and that's tremendously hard. You will need his support now more than ever.

[rae80407]

icequeen, yes I've been this way the whole time. It's not as though I rage always, it seems as though it's when I really feel cornered and alone and overwhelmed and out of control that I explode. I was really afraid that being pregnant would bring these outbursts back because of the hormones and I'd had them under control for quite sometime. I mostly do a good job holding everything together. I don't want it to seem as though he is unsupportive, he is. In fact, today we had a good talk. It seems that the root of our huge fights are sometimes outside factors, and I believe in that being together so long we know the exact button to push to hurt each other to the max. We are both very strong willed bull headed ppl when we want to be, unfortunately that is usually not at the times that we should be. He is really having a hard time with his emotions right now as well, with being a new father and the stress of all that he is dealing with. He's opened up a lot to me about how he's feeling and it is very similar to the out of control feels I have, he just holds them in until he snaps and gets hateful, where I just explode I guess

Tomorrow is my first therapy session and I'm actually looking forward to it (still terrified but trying to be positive and excited) I'm just looking for a change. I hope it goes well. I'm also excited because my new insurance became approved and now I feel secure that if I don't like this place I can find one I do. The best part is that my fi agreed that he would go with me sometimes for our relationship as well as himself and that makes me so happy. Tomorrow I'll be going alone because the earliest I could get in is after he's already at work, but after the initial appointment I can make it earlier and he said he would go.

I told him my fear of what if the counselor tells us there's no fixing us we just should split and he said we would keep trying until we found someone that could.

I don't think he really wants us to break up any more than I do, 8years and we are having a family is a lot to throw away. I just think he copes with anger and frustration by lashing out like I do and he doesn't know what else to do besides tell me it has to change or it's over. I'm just hoping this therapy helps.

I plan on bringing a notebook and taking notes of things to do and throwing myself into this with all of my might. If it doesn't work I will try meds, but I'm just ready to be free of the anxiety and anger and the sadness it causes. It's not there all the time but I don't want it here at all. If it is at least I will know how to handle it.

Already having you all to reach out to has helped a lot.

[Deleted]

Oh rae80407, so many hugs. It's obvious how much you're hurting. I have felt the same way you do now. Your triggers of feeling "cornered and alone and overwhelmed" are the same as mine. My panic attacks over the last year have each resulted from fighting with my DH and feeling like he's attacking me and I'm all alone. Whenever I feel overwhelmed my anxiety ramps up. And after I have an outburst, I feel like shit and get sucked into a black hole of self-loathing and despair. You are so not alone in this. Please don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling and behaving.
I hope your therapy appointment goes well tomorrow, but the important thing is you are taking these first steps - they are so hard! You will get better if you keep working at it this way.
I'm glad your FI is willing to go to your therapy appointments. I also think couples therapy might help. The fear you feel of him leaving you sounds like an attachment issue. I am in Emotionally Focused Therapy with my H, which is based on Dr. Sue Johnson's work. She has a book called Hold Me Tight that you might want to check out.
Please keep us posted on how it goes tomorrow!

[URMySunshine77]

The PP's have shared some great advice. I want to echo bocaburger's suggestions of acupuncture and prenatal yoga in conjunction with your counseling appts. Acupuncture can be as effective for depression or anxiety as medication. I know that you live in a small town, but I hope this is an option for you. Some towns or cities have community clinics where the appointments are not as costly.

[rae80407]

I have not heard of any acupuncture being available in my town however there is yoga that I would love to attend, I'm just not sure whether there is any that is prenatal or not. It is something I will check into though.

[juliayadda]

Jul 10, 2015 1:42:39 GMT -5 rae80407 said:

I have not heard of any acupuncture being available in my town however there is yoga that I would love to attend, I'm just not sure whether there is any that is prenatal or not. It is something I will check into though.

When I was pregnant I just went to regular yoga and let the teacher know. She modified the poses as necessary. 

[somebirdswalk]

Welcome! Sorry times are tough but I'm glad that you found these boards. I'm new around these parts too but it seems like a good place to find support.

You're not alone. You are so not alone. Never forget. Sometimes I feel like the only one clawing my way through the day but there are others, we aren't alone.

Hang in there, you will get through this, one way or another.