MW in relationships (Article)

[juliayadda]

I mentioned in another thread that I like to read articles off the internet on anxiety and communication in relationships. 

This is one of my favourites. 

www.angriesout.com/family2.htm

I was able to recognize a lot of my behaviours that make arguments worse. 

Excerpt:

Most adult anger is about expectations and values not being met. We build up strong belief systems of how things should be or should not be and then expect others to behave in ways that we deem best. Expectations can be realistic (I expect you to be faithful to me in marriage) or unrealistic (I expect you to keep a perfect house all the time. I expect you to let me indulge in my addictions such as alcohol or shopping.) The shoulds are the irrational ways we make our self and others crazy by insisting that small, insubstantial things be our way.


I am so guilty of insisting that we must do things the "right" way. Such as how we fold towels. I used to UNFOLD towels that DH had taken time to fold to fold them the right way. Looking at it from the other side I see that this is actually very hurtful and disrespectful. DH took time to do a chore, and I say no you did it wrong, ergo you are incompetent and your efforts are worthless. This is just one example of where my learned perfectionism has interfered with my relationship. 

[Deleted]

Fellow perfectionist here! I've also recently realized how many "shoulds" I put on my H (and myself). I've totally re-folded DH's towels!

[tjr42px]

My shirt folding is is always redone. To be fair DW refolds her own shirts if she folds downstairs. She folds, puts in hamper, then refolds before putting in the drawer. My putting away skills are also suspect. In my defense the location of type of shirt, kiddo shirts, pants, and sizes (when he is in between sizes) constantly changes. DW often reorganizes and has a "better way" which cycles back. Reorganizing the play room always results in my help moving couches, tubs, organizing storage units, etc. Gotta love her. It's cute when it isn't frustrating

But in all honesty my transgression is on the emotional expectation side. Somewhere along the way I picked up baggage that never bothered me before and I just can't set it down again :/. And because I'm me, I can't just talk about because really? It was stuff from a decade ago that wasn't a deal until recently. I just keep rethinking reanalyzing, and reinterpreting...which leads to frustration and unwarranted irritability at times.

I guess I'm a metaphorical laundry folder and just can't get the corners to perfectly match, yet close enough used be completely fine.

[Deleted]

We actually touched on this a bit in couples therapy today. I get super angry about "little" things like how DH folds the towels or loads the dishwasher when I feel like it makes things harder on me, thus making me feel overwhelmed and alone. It's helpful to me to be able to identify why I get so angry (and also how that makes DH feel). I didn't read the whole article juliayadda, but I hope you're not feeling like your behavior is simply wrong, but that you are finding a reason behind it and working on that.
DH holds much of the same baggage tjr42px. It can be frustrating from my end but I have similar old baggage that needs to be sorted through too, so I can understand and try to be compassionate. I think it's good to talk about it, if you can manage, rather than be left to your own analysis and interpretation. DH does this too and it's one of the common issues we run into when we get pulled into our negative cycle. He runs with his (incorrect) interpretation that I have no idea about, which leads to all sorts of mayhem.

[juliayadda]

Jul 9, 2015 18:48:32 GMT -5 @rocknrollfriend said:

We actually touched on this a bit in couples therapy today. I get super angry about "little" things like how DH folds the towels or loads the dishwasher when I feel like it makes things harder on me, thus making me feel overwhelmed and alone. It's helpful to me to be able to identify why I get so angry (and also how that makes DH feel). I didn't read the whole article juliayadda, but I hope you're not feeling like your behavior is simply wrong, but that you are finding a reason behind it and working on that.
DH holds much of the same baggage tjr42px. It can be frustrating from my end but I have similar old baggage that needs to be sorted through too, so I can understand and try to be compassionate. I think it's good to talk about it, if you can manage, rather than be left to your own analysis and interpretation. DH does this too and it's one of the common issues we run into when we get pulled into our negative cycle. He runs with his (incorrect) interpretation that I have no idea about, which leads to all sorts of mayhem.

Good catch there. I do not think that at all. More that I think I need to give and take, and choose my battles. Do I really need to get worked up over the way that something is done if in the end the job is completed? 

That excerpt was one small part of the article that I found spoke to my anger triggers. Reading it together we were able to find many of his. 

[tjr42px]

@rocknrollfriend, that's totally us. My interpretation is incorrect. I'd like to talk about it and there is this little voice that says "seriously dude you know you're wrong" so I don't. The few times I do I get met with the hardest of eye rolls. She really can't hide her feelings about things. Or I get a straight, "that's messed up logic." Shes admittedly very defensive and her instinct is to lash out and make you feel as bad/hurt as she does. So even if she wants me to open up, she also says "I know I can get scary, I don't mean it. I do really want you to talk and feel comfortable sharing your feelings." Hells no...I tell her, I'm not scared of you, but you're freakin scary! Lol. I'd rather just deal with what's in my head than hear something hurtful she doesn't mean or doesn't mean to come off as hurtful. I acknowledge that it's entirely fair (and we've talked about it). But, these comments tend to reinforce my incorrect interpretation so I'm left feeling worse and that my interpretation may actually be accurate not just purely emotional logic.

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2015 20:05:42 GMT -5 tjr42px said:

@rocknrollfriend, that's totally us. My interpretation is incorrect. I'd like to talk about it and there is this little voice that says "seriously dude you know you're wrong" so I don't. The few times I do I get met with the hardest of eye rolls. She really can't hide her feelings about things. Or I get a straight, "that's messed up logic." Shes admittedly very defensive and her instinct is to lash out and make you feel as bad/hurt as she does. So even if she wants me to open up, she also says "I know I can get scary, I don't mean it. I do really want you to talk and feel comfortable sharing your feelings." Hells no...I tell her, I'm not scared of you, but you're freakin scary! Lol. I'd rather just deal with what's in my head than hear something hurtful she doesn't mean or doesn't mean to come off as hurtful. I acknowledge that it's entirely fair (and we've talked about it). But, these comments tend to reinforce my incorrect interpretation so I'm left feeling worse and that my interpretation may actually be accurate not just purely emotional logic.

That's understandable. I get defensive too. It's a really tough cycle!