Intro: Scared/Lost Updated To: Hopeful!

[duckker]

I'm a stepmom (we basically have full residential custody and have for five + years) to two teens, and am expecting my first "body baby" mid-Feb. I've always worked full time, and usually had a part time job and/or went to school in addition. I'm good at the balancing act of older kids and career and etc., but things are so very different with the prospect of an infant on the horizon. I would truly appreciate any advice/input from any of the moms here. 

My current situation is this: We relocated across the country when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. It's been a great move, with the minor exception that my husband's job situation imploded about two months after we moved and a few weeks after we bought our house. I had taken a part-time job that allowed me to work from home, as the CoL was so much lower here and DH's job was more than enough for us to meet obligations and then some. He spent almost two months desperately seeking work. I took a second part-time job with the same company (also work from home) and we agreed that I would try to find something full time when baby was six months. He found a job this month; it's all commission, no benefits, no base salary. We are running through our savings and scared. I interviewed today for a part time job that is almost an hour away from here. I was offered the position, with a start date of March 2. I have to take it; we are out of options financially. 

Right now the plan is to leave the baby with my sister for the 4-6 hours a day that I will be out of the home. If I deliver on schedule, she will be around two weeks old when I start leaving her. I plan to breastfeed exclusively for as long as we can manage it, and my sister is a lactation consultant, so at least that part feels not unmanageable. I know in my heart of hearts that the baby will be fine, that women do this all the time, that it isn't the end of the world. But every. single. time. I think about having to leave her so soon, my heart shatters into a million little pieces. 

The pragmatic side of me understands that I have to do this. But, moms, how did you make it work? 

Update: Just walked in the door from another interview for a full time position with great benefits that would be an IDEAL job for me. It seems likely that I will get an offer from them. Before I left I asked specifically about start dates and expectations, etc., in relation to me being a new mom. They have a nursery on site! AND the boss said "That's always an option, of course, but you can absolutely bring your baby to work with you if you don't have a problem with that. Up to a year is fine with me for you to have her in your office. That way you can nurse on demand. And if you need some time to focus without her, you won't have any difficulty finding someone who will be happy to hold her and keep her entertained... I brought mine to work for a year when I was a new mom, and it was such a comfort to me."

I literally didn't know what to say. When I got home I fell to my knees sobbing. Even if I don't get this job, just knowing that there are people out there like this who want to help moms make it work... Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers and support and virtual hugs. And I'm praying hard that every mom out there gets a sense of peace and hope today that is even a fraction of what I have right now. Hang in there.

[jess9802]

I don't have a lot of advice, but I am sorry you are so stressed out about this. Your baby will be well-loved and cared for by your sister. Whether she is two weeks, six weeks, or six months - going back to work is HARD. And there will be special challenges with going back to work so soon after giving birth. But, I think most of us on here will say it does get easier over time (though there are good days and bad days), but having a good childcare arrangement with providers we trust makes a HUGE difference.

Remember too that this is not necessarily a permanent position or situation. Your husband may find his pay is better than expected. Or he keeps looking for work and something else comes along and you are able to quit until baby is older. You still have some time before baby comes and you start this new job, you have a plan in place - so try not to borrow trouble, and focus on staying healthy and enjoying the end of your pregnancy as much as you can.

Good luck, and big hugs.

[Pevensie]

Big hugs to you.

March will be a really hard month, but that would be true whether you're working or not. (When DD was a few weeks old, I remember crying and telling DH I wished I *could* go to work for a while, to get a break from worrying about the baby).

That said.... how out of options is out of options? And how firm is the March 2 start date? Like "they will turn off our electricity if we don't pay the bill soon" out of options, or like "our savings account might hit zero and we might have to live on DH's insufficient income + a credit card for a month" out of options? Because I *so* want to tell you that you can do this, but I also know that 2 weeks after my due date, my oldest DD was only one week old, I couldn't walk straight, I was still on painkillers, and I wasn't cleared to drive (let alone drive an hour, work two hours, and then drive another hour). If there is *any* live-on-beans way you can buy yourself another month, or at least another two weeks, I would.

[bond007]

I agree with PP- you can do this and you will do whatever you need. That being said I would ask about the flexibility with the start date. Week 2 PP is not a pretty week and if you go pay your due date that gives you even less time. Good luck. I'm in a very different position but also have a husband out of work and going through our savings like water. It's no fun. I'm sorry.

[toratoratori]

I don't have any advice beyond what PPs have said, but I want to send lots and lots of hugs your way. This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation. You'll get through it, but I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

[duckker]

Huge thanks to all three of you... I know that this is a temporary thing, and totally agree: March will be the worst of it. I am going to ask about moving the start date back a few weeks, especially if I go over my EDD. I don't absolutely have to start beginning of March, but I do absolutely have to take this job, so risking the job over a couple of weeks feels scary. Going to sit down tonight with the husband and run real number to see how long we can go without me taking on more work. The two main things I'm worried about are being physically recovered enough to work at that point, and protecting my milk supply. The first one is tougher than the second, just because of the uncertainty of the actual birth date, and the fact that everyone's recovery is different. I know people who were totally up and around with modified physical activity in a day or two, and women who were still healing months later. Since I'm a FTM, I don't feel like I have any way to predict what I will need.

Guess I just need to embrace the unknown, take it one day at a time, and keep trying to do the next right thing. It makes such a difference to have support from others. I haven't told any of my friends or family, aside from my sister, because no one else really knows the gravity of our financial situation. So I don't really have people to talk to, and I don't want to stress my husband or make him feel guilty--he is doing the best he can, too.

[duckker]

Jan 24, 2015 7:51:37 GMT -5 bond007 said:

 I'm in a very different position but also have a husband out of work and going through our savings like water. It's no fun. I'm sorry.

I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. I try to keep perspective on this, telling myself: it's only a money problem, not a health crisis, etc. At a certain point, the "only" in the money problem feels so small and faint. I hope it gets brighter for you soon. 

[anonymouseliza]

Big hugs. FWIW, this may or may not be comforting, but I was an exclusive pumper due to latching issues. 2w pp was the day I caught up supply-wise to her demands. So on that front, it may be feasible. Do make sure you are prepared to pump in the car - I was pumping 7-9 times a day at that point for 15-30 minutes (20 average). Make sure you have a good pump - consider a hospital grade rental rather than a personal electric at this point. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it will be possible. Lots of pictures, FT if possible. Also finding things to keep me interested in the car help- DH and I commute together and that is 'our' time to talk and reconnect, but audio-books or special playlists that only you enjoy might help the commute move more quickly and give you some personal time and space.

GL to you.

[duckker]

anonymouseliza: Thanks! All of that helps so much... I got the PISA through my health insurance (which is, to date, literally the ONLY thing they've helped pay for--but that's a different thread!) and am glad I shelled out for the upgrade. I talked to my mom today, who basically said, "You should tell the boss there is no way in hell you can start in March. If she won't/can't give you a later start date, you will find something else. If she is going to demand that you come in 2 wks or less pp, you are setting yourself up for misery long term, because that's a huge amount of inflexibility to face as a new mom." Hearing that made me relax instantly, which is what I use as my gauge for next steps when in a quandary.

DH and I going to get out of the house and sit down with the bank information and a calculator and figure out how to do this. I will say this for financial distress: It does give you a chance to realllllllly work on your marriage.

[bond007]

Your mom has a really good point that I hadn't even thought of- the inflexibility. If they can't have compassion and/or time to let a new mother heal from childbirth, they probably won't give a shit if LO has a stomach bug, or a fever, etc
Also I have to say I agree with your point about financial issues really affecting your marriage. It's freakin terrible. There have been times when I have thanked God that we can't afford a divorce right now.:/

[Pevensie]

Good advice from your mama. Hope you and DH were able to run some numbers and make a plan. Whatever happens, you will make it through. Just go one hour at a time for that first month or so.

[Deleted]

duckker

It's your thread but I'm tagging you anyway. This situation sounds so rough, I feel for you.

My first instinct when I read your post was "no way are you going into a new job with a new baby in new town as a new mom after only *two* weeks". Nope, no way. Not happening.

With my first, despite a trouble free pregnancy and easy labour (9ish hours) I was nevertheless a wreck for over a week, and that was with plenty of support. I too had always worked, gone to school, handled everything and then some. The hormones, lack of sleep and crying baby are difficult to handle the first time around. I don't say this to discourage you. I was in my late thirties and thought I was more than prepared. It's just hard to know until you experience it.

You absolutely need to sit down with your husband and crunch the numbers, HARD. You need to involve family where you can: THIS IS A POINT IN YOUR LIFE THAT FAMILY CAN AND WILL HELP YOU. Having a family isn't just about overeating together at Thanksgiving. This moment that you're in now is where a family needs to come together. Ask your mom for help. Ask his family for help. Swallow your pride. It's not forever, maybe 3 or 6 months, that's all. Hell, people ask for help to pay for a goddamned wedding all of the time! This is a newborn and a new mom. People will help if they can. It is temporary.

In the meantime, I would first insist on a later start date as you cannot predict your due date and your availability to even DRIVE after babe is born; I would look for work closer to home if possible. You're a teacher, right? There are obvious places to look but broaden your horizons as well. Corporate training, administrative assistant, tutoring, even sales might be a great fit.

Your H will need to hit the ground running in his new position. 100% commission jobs can be lucrative when the fit is right. He will need to take every opportunity, every new shift, every training seminar on the horizon is his to take. The drought is temporary. Temporary.

Congrats on the new babe! It's an exciting time!! This will work out for you. All the best.

[nursefrizz]

I just want to send lots of hugs & support. Everyone has offered really great advice, especially your mom. I truly hope things work out well for you!

[nolagirl]

Sorry you're in such a tough spot right now!!! We are in a totally different situation, but are financially aware of every single penny that is spent and think twice or maybe even 3 times before it's spent. Money stretches further than I ever thought possible when you need it to!!

Definitely talk to the new company about the flexibility of the start date, and the flexibility of the work from home time. 2 weeks pp is tough - I remember not even knowing if I had showered that day, or the day before, or the day before that.

Best of luck to you!!

[duckker]

Thanks again to all of you. It's helped me to get sanity/clarity at a time when it's so hard to figure out what is realistic, what is hormones, and what is anxiety. H and I talked long and hard about this and he said 100% there is no way I start this job in March, to tell her I can't do it that soon and let her suggest a start date (she might say June, she might say never, and then we go from there). I've been looking for positively any option that will be feasible for us. We've found a few options to help us patch together a financial safety net to get us through to May for now, and will just keep taking things one day at a time.

@ridesbuttons: Thanks for all you said. I do think my biggest problem is that I know I can't predict what kind of shape I will be in, how hard it will be physically and psychologically. I tend to overestimate myself and have run myself into the ground before. When it was just me, it was one thing; I am trying to keep in mind that this will also be stressful for a two week old baby. I have an awesome and very supportive family. DH doesn't really have any family, and no one local. My sister lives nearby, but she has six kids of her own and a husband who frequently travels for work. My mom is coming to stay with us for the month of February, and that will be an awesome help, but March will be hard, whether or not I'm working outside of the house.

I have no idea how anyone does this, ever! And I am so thankful to all of you for the moral support.

[2chatter]

Is it not feasible to continue the two part time jobs you have after the baby comes? Or one of them, just for some income?
And I don't have a lot of practical advice, but can say that with my first I returned to the US shortly before my due date, my DH didn't have a work visa and it was all on me. I went back to work quickly in a flexible role entirely outside of my experience but it was an income, and could take the baby with me for part of the day (helped with nursing). There is nothing to describe that stress (L&D cash out of pocket, moving, job hunting, a freaking baby). Just try to keep it in perspective that this is a point in time and will pass - and things will get back to your normal eventually. Hang in there. It will get better.

[ss265]

Just want to echo PP that I would push back the start date if you can. My youngest is almost 4 months and I have a an hour commute to work. There is no way I could have gone back to work 2 weeks post partum. I had a C-section and had a fantastic recovery in terms of pain after the surgery but 2 weeks out, just going to the store (down the street) wore me out. Not to mention the sleep deprivation from a 2 week old (my son was waking up every 1-2 hours at that point). Do push out the start date as much as you can. And hugs to you - it sounds like you are in a tough situation.

[alioop1028]

I have nothing to add because the advice already given by everyone else is awesome. I just wanted to offer hugs and support.

Also, since you're a FTM, and DH's family is not local, if someone is throwing you a baby shower, perhaps they can get the word out that cash presents would really help out? It's a little tacky but you're situation isn't normal and I'm sure family who can't be around would love to help out.

[duckker]

Thanks, all.

alioop1028, believe me--I've considered tackiness as a viable option! My friends back in New York had a small shower for me a few weeks ago (which was so sweet and incredible of them) and that helped a lot with getting the basics so that we didn't have to go into our pockets for things like a changing pad, bottles, etc. It's staggering how much it adds up, even when you are going with just the barest essentials. His family hasn't really expressed any inclination to help out/give, and this is the fifteenth grandchild in my family, so while my mom is coming to help, I don't see much in the way of a fuss from my side. I have a huge extended family on the East Coast, but the mixed blessing of a large family is that individual events aren't such a big deal. No one really does showers or gifts for weddings, baptisms, births, etc. because it would get prohibitively expensive very very quickly.

In the "good news" column, I reached out to the director today and explained that I just couldn't commit to a March start date, since I know I will need longer than two weeks, etc. She immediately responded and said we can shoot for some time in April, and just to call her once I've settled in after having the baby and have a better idea of what my needs will be. So that is an enormous relief on several fronts.

2chatter, yup, I'm keeping both PT jobs in the meantime and have already rearranged my project pipeline to maximize my earning potential pre-baby and give me at least a month off post. It will be a little cuckoo in May, but one position ends at that point and the other doesn't have any kind of guaranteed hours, so I needed to find something steady to fill the income gaps as summer approaches.

I am totally overwhelmed by the support of the people here. Thank you. Again and again.