Separation vs divorce

[angelsnight]

For those that have been through it, can you tell me why one would separate instead of divorce, or situations where it best to go straight for divorce?

Just a recap, if things don't majorly improve (husband is verbally abusive, does almost nothing to help me out, has a temper, is very selfish) in the next 6 months, I plan on filing for divorce.  Is a separation just the time where you are still legally married and are waiting for the divorce proceedings, or do people separate in hopes of a divorce not being necessary?  What changes during a separation vs. being together and married?  I mean, does all financial stuff stay the same, but you just don't live together?

I feel like, if I make the decision to divorce next winter, it will be because he has not made the necessary changes and because I am ready to be done and try to move on with my life.  So I think a separation wouldn't make sense because I would not be giving him another chance to get his shit together....that's what the next six months is for and if he cannot do it now with the threat of divorce looming, he will never change.  I'm just wondering if there is something I am missing, if there are other reasons for separating before filing for divorce.

I'm going to a seminar in a couple weeks but I am not sure how many of my questions will get answered, so I'm just trying to understand all of this.  Thanks!

[helenahhandbasket]

I'm currently separated, divorce is pending. (Papers are filed)

We separated about a year ago. But there's been some lapse of time due to trying to get everything together paperwork wise, and there are several steps that you have to go through and a particular order in which things have to be filed. We are filing ourselves, as there isn't anything contested (we had our documents drawn up thru legalzoom).

Also, we decided it was best to separate everything financially-I immediately took him off my insurance, my phone bill etc and he almost immediately started paying me CS (as we had agreed that DD would live with me and she would stay with him every other weekend). I suppose you could keep your finances together as long as you wanted to though.

I live in a state though where you don't have to declare a "reason" for divorce- you can just say irreconcilable differences.

Some states require you to have a reason for divorce- so fraud, infidelity, abandonment OR file for legal separation and live separately for a period of time (usually 1 year).

So stbxh and I separated under the pretense that divorce was impending. During this separate time, we are both trying to move on with out lives - I began dating shortly after the initial separation and now have a SO. I suppose some couples separate with the intention of trying to work things out, though, thinking the distance will give them clarity.

So if I were you I would first look up the laws surrounding divorce in your state. Then make a plan in your head about how you want things handled, and if you think it's going to get nasty- document everything.

I'm sorry you are going through this. The last 2 years of my life (so contemplating divorce and the separation) have been the most difficult time in my life- but I know I am doing the right thing.

Hugs. Feel free to PM me

[freezorburn]

Jul 9, 2015 15:20:28 GMT -5 helenahhandbasket said:

So if I were you I would first look up the laws surrounding divorce in your state. Then make a plan in your head about how you want things handled, and if you think it's going to get nasty- document everything.

This is absolutely key. My understanding is that some states have something called legal separation, while others don't. And in those cases there are mechanisms for formalizing a separation that would put on paper the terms of your separation, which might cover finances, a parenting schedule, etc., for a specific period of time.

I think in addition to the seminar you are attending, if you are concerned that your questions have not been answered, you may need to consult with a lawyer, or several, to make sure you fully understand your rights and options.

Good luck!

[angelsnight]

Thank you both so much. I never even thought of what the rules are for my state. I'll attend the seminar and then see where I am with questions from there.