Agencies and Birth Parent Grief

[drl]

They provide lifetime counseling for birth parents. We were told about it, and I keep up with AR reading on the topic

[nobb14]

Our agency has a mentoring program with the birth mothers to continue after placement, and there are birth mothers on staff that serve as consultants to the women as they are carrying their pregnancy. Knowing that there are birth mothers working for the agency makes me feel much better about the care taken for new expectant/birth moms. Adoptive parents are also encouraged to provide money towards a trust so the expectant mothers can carry their pregnancy in safety and peace it they're in an abusive situation or their family is not supportive of their decision. An agency staff member attends appointments and grocery trips.

MH and I were just talking last night that we are going to reach out to our agency to get more information about the treatment of birth mothers and exactly how expectant mothers are found. We know general stuff, but not too many specifics.

[lizblue]

Our agency offers lifetime counseling for birthmothers and fathers (and adoptive parents as well.) We met with a birthmom as part of our educational class and I pretty much broke down and bawled like a baby when listening to her grief. It was good to be reminded that this is a birthmom's choice and her plan, and I have to remember that she has agency in this situation. Our agency very much puts birthmoms at the forefront of this process and works with us around specific language and strategies that will hopefully be helpful.

We read a lot and are trying to prepare ourselves for what comes next (including the grief of a birthmom), but I don't know that there's any book that can tell you how to do it. There is one phrase that has stuck with me, though, and it's that we are "open to being open." Meaning, we don't know what comes next, but we will face it with open hearts and open minds. I'm hopeful that maintaining regular contact with mutual respect will help mitigate the grief, but we don't pretend grief doesn't exist. It's important to acknowledge it.

[pinkie]

Our agency really didn't talk about how to handle it. We have very limited contact with our older son's BM and our baby's BM sees a counselor and I know she likes having someone to talk to. When I ask how she is she will sometimes share if she is sad but doesn't go beyond that.

[spooko]

By all means, @bookworm92, please do share!

[lbey]

Bookworm, does your agency give you access to a therapist or psychologist? Do you go to someone professional to get help?
Is the agency providing you with what they promised or did they help you only until the adoption was finalized and then left you alone?

[lizblue]

Thanks for sharing @bookworm92, I hope you are getting the support that you need. Your words are powerful and it's good for me to read them. I had a conversation with the wife of a good friend the other day because she is a birthmom and pretty anti-adoption. It was a very respectful conversation and one that both of us took good things away from. She placed her child 30 years ago and the adoptive family was not open to having any contact with her. It's a wound that will not heal and she still deals with grief to this day. Naively, I keep thinking that open adoption is the magic antidotes to that kind of pain, but I realize this is not the case. Certainly remaining open is going to help (as it seems to be helping you), but it doesn't erase the grief a birthmom will feel. It's nice to read how being sad and feeling grief does not make you regret your decision. And I think bringing awareness to PPD/A in birthmoms is a good thing.

[spooko]

As always, I really appreciate your willingness to share your insight, experiences, and explanations. It has given me a lot to think about.

[theatrepal]

Thanks so much for sharing. I learn so much every time you share part of your story.

[spooko]

I think a lot of it, for me, is compare/contrast with my sister/BM. She's always seemed very satisfied with the arrangement, but given that you are still happy with the placement despite the tremendous pain, it makes me question if there's a ton more I'm not seeing.

And I never know whether it's better to share unsolicited because she isn't as likely to ask or if she isn't asking things all the time because it's hard to process.

I love that you're an open book because it gives me a little peek inside.

[spooko]

Yeah it's a hard balance because to her, as my sister, I want to gush about my kid and share about her **nephew**. But at the same time, she is still in the BM role forever and always, and I never want to disrespect that.

Sometimes she wants to be really involved and then she fades away and I never know if she's busy or it's painful or she's relapsed.

We are in a weird place right now because I feel like she's walking a questionable line and I have a higher obligation to protecting my kid than I do to rescuing her. I'm trying to stay in contact with her but she's becoming less and less responsive which leads me to believe she may be in trouble.

So I have this catch 22 where if I pursue time with her, it could put DS in an undesirable place but she may be withdrawing because she's upset I'm not more proactive. She's never been particularly good at communicating either way, though, so I never know what to do

[spooko]

Fwiw, I'm not sure she even knows what I should do, though, to tell me. I don't mean she's intentionally withholding or anything.

[spooko]

I'm not sure. She's always had mental health issues and substance abuse struggles. It's hard to see where being a BM is on her radar. It's not like she ever really talks about it either way. She's an enigma.