Adoption financing

[Rogue]

what is your opinion on financing adoption?  The agency we talked to recommended loans, grants, and fundraising but I just read someplace that fundraising is "tacky" and negatively affects the child. 

Is is it more preference?  Like the camp of "don't buy anything unless you have the cash" vs "use credit if you need".

your thoughts would be great!  

Edit: now with poll!

[pamela]

Personally, I don't fundraise for life choices, which building a family is. Major medical that might bankrupt us, I might consider it. But otherwise, no. If someone on their own came forward with a gift, I'd accept it, but not solicit or advertise it.

Only take out loans if they are reasonable for your situation. Think about what interest will make the final cost be and can you afford to pay it back plus the extra costs associated with kids once your family is built?

[pinkie]

It's tough to respond to this because so much depends on your circumstances. If you have high paying jobs it's easy to say use cash. Maybe a rich relative wants to help? Maybe a loan is the only option someone has.

I'm not personally a fan of fundraising for myself but wouldn't side eye someone else for doing it.

[nobb14]

We did a combo of savings (cash) and a loan. We actually pursued a HELOC because we figured we could keep it open and use it for house upgrades in the future, but we don't have enough equity in our house yet (we've only been here a year.) I cringe as I say this, but we will probably pay for flights, hotel and emergency baby stuff with credit cards, unless we are given enough notice to save when matched.

[nobb14]

Oh! Topical- on CAL, a member recently posted about a friend who shared a gofundme link on social media to cover infertility treatment (surrogacy actually, i think.) the CAL lady donated money along with several other people, and the friend never mentioned any updates to the point where people assumed she didn't pursue building a family. A couple years later, she's back with a new campaign for more money. It's a slippery slope.


I personally am not opposed to fundraising; I just hate the thought that money can get in the way of a dream, so I don't blame people for doing so. Maybe my own personal situation leaves me biased, though. Friends and family know how deeply my losses affected my husband and I and know how badly we want to parent, so I think they would offer money if we asked. I don't see it any differently than people raising money for volunteer trips or something.

[drl]

I don't think there's a right answer for this, it depends on your situation. I've seen it done a lot of ways, from second jobs to Etsy stores to loans and fundraising events.

I'm not opposed to fundraising per se, as long as it's "done right". Selling stuff, yard sales, spaghetti dinners? Sure. Sending a letter saying, "Adoption will cost us $30k, send us money"? That really rubs me the wrong way. And we had a relative do that, after some already questionable behavior.

Fundraising has come up on many boards. The general consensus is that fundraising for an acute situation like adoption is generally accepted, and people who don't want to participate just...don't.

We had a rental property that we sold. We used the proceeds to pay adoption fees.

[Rogue]

I'm weary of things like loans or lines of credit because of the thought of having to possibly put money toward that instead of extra money towards baby. I think what I read is that's the big concern about using loans.

Fundraising was basically just not bugging the same people repeatedly and like nobb said the fear the person is just asking for money and not going to go through with it.

I feel like as long as it is all in moderation, it's probably ok.

[trytobearunner34]

Jul 15, 2015 9:27:33 GMT -5 pinkie said:

It's tough to respond to this because so much depends on your circumstances. If you have high paying jobs it's easy to say use cash. Maybe a rich relative wants to help? Maybe a loan is the only option someone has.

I'm not personally a fan of fundraising for myself but wouldn't side eye someone else for doing it.

This. All of this.

[akafred]

Jul 16, 2015 7:38:19 GMT -5 drl said:

I don't think there's a right answer for this, it depends on your situation. I've seen it done a lot of ways, from second jobs to Etsy stores to loans and fundraising events.

I'm not opposed to fundraising per se, as long as it's "done right". Selling stuff, yard sales, spaghetti dinners? Sure. Sending a letter saying, "Adoption will cost us $30k, send us money"? That really rubs me the wrong way. And we had a relative do that, after some already questionable behavior.

Fundraising has come up on many boards. The general consensus is that fundraising for an acute situation like adoption is generally accepted, and people who don't want to participate just...don't.

We had a rental property that we sold. We used the proceeds to pay adoption fees.

I agree with this. Also, now I know who you are .

I think if you open an Etsy shop or do special photography sessions or garage sales or something like that, where people "buy" a good or service knowing the profits are for adoption, it's totally fine. I'm not a fan of "begging," where people get nothing in return. But that's just me.

[Captain Serious]

I think I the different opinions have been covered, but I'd like to say that saying that fundraising for an adoption is detrimental to the child is laughable. I suppose the idea is that you don't want the child to think that you bought them, but just because you fundraiser to meet the costs doesn't mean the costs were any different than if you didn't. Adoption is costly, and as our children age, it's our responsibility to explain all the reasons for that to our children in a kind and compassionate way so they understand that at no time were they bought and sold.

How you raise the funds to adopt should have no bearing on the child's self esteem, after all, what's the alternative? That they couldn't have joined your family? How is knowing that you raised funds to make them a part of your family forever going to be seen by them as anything other than a sign of how badly you wanted to make that happen?

[pinkie]

Jul 20, 2015 10:41:40 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

I think I the different opinions have been covered, but I'd like to say that saying that fundraising for an adoption is detrimental to the child is laughable. I suppose the idea is that you don't want the child to think that you bought them, but just because you fundraiser to meet the costs doesn't mean the costs were any different than if you didn't. Adoption is costly, and as our children age, it's our responsibility to explain all the reasons for that to our children in a kind and compassionate way so they understand that at no time were they bought and sold.

How you raise the funds to adopt should have no bearing on the child's self esteem, after all, what's the alternative? That they couldn't have joined your family? How is knowing that you raised funds to make them a part of your family forever going to be seen by them as anything other than a sign of how badly you wanted to make that happen?

And taking this a step further, I can't imagine why the child would need to know how funds were obtained. I certainly never plan to talk about this with our kids unless they directly asked us. I never want them to feel some burden that we spent so much money to adopt.

[teraiin]

Jul 20, 2015 10:58:39 GMT -5 pinkie said:

Jul 20, 2015 10:41:40 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

I think I the different opinions have been covered, but I'd like to say that saying that fundraising for an adoption is detrimental to the child is laughable. I suppose the idea is that you don't want the child to think that you bought them, but just because you fundraiser to meet the costs doesn't mean the costs were any different than if you didn't. Adoption is costly, and as our children age, it's our responsibility to explain all the reasons for that to our children in a kind and compassionate way so they understand that at no time were they bought and sold.

How you raise the funds to adopt should have no bearing on the child's self esteem, after all, what's the alternative? That they couldn't have joined your family? How is knowing that you raised funds to make them a part of your family forever going to be seen by them as anything other than a sign of how badly you wanted to make that happen?

And taking this a step further, I can't imagine why the child would need to know how funds were obtained. I certainly never plan to talk about this with our kids unless they directly asked us. I never want them to feel some burden that we spent so much money to adopt.

I agree.

Also, as far as my personal perspective (I'm adopted) I never ever once wondered about the cost or how my parents paid for it. Never even was a consideration for me. Even now that I'm starting the process myself, it's never been a pressing thought. I also can't really imagine it mattering all that much to me.

I guess I can't speak for everyone who has been adopted.

[Rogue]

A story I heard was a woman's kids saved up some money in their piggy bank for their aunt to adopt and when they gave money to aunt the aunt refused it because she didn't want the kids to tell the adopted kid that they helped finance his adoption.

Thanks for your opinions on this! Presently I'm thinking about doing an old textbook drive where friends and family and anyone gives me books and if they have value I'll try to sell em otherwise they will be donated to a charity.

[irismorning]

Jul 20, 2015 12:52:09 GMT -5 teraiin said:

Jul 20, 2015 10:58:39 GMT -5 pinkie said:

And taking this a step further, I can't imagine why the child would need to know how funds were obtained. I certainly never plan to talk about this with our kids unless they directly asked us. I never want them to feel some burden that we spent so much money to adopt.

I agree.

Also, as far as my personal perspective (I'm adopted) I never ever once wondered about the cost or how my parents paid for it. Never even was a consideration for me. Even now that I'm starting the process myself, it's never been a pressing thought. I also can't really imagine it mattering all that much to me.

I guess I can't speak for everyone who has been adopted.

I was also adopted as an infant. I never once thought about the cost until I adopted (I paid cash). To me, it is no big deal. That said, I voted cash because I try to never borrow money. 

[Captain Serious]

The cost thing can come up. My boys have referred to their adoptions as us "buying them," in the sense that they thought we went to the orphanage and then picked them out. They also referred to it that when when asking about when we "bought" them or why we don't "buy" another child. So in response, we explain that we did spend money on the adoption, but it was not in exchange for them; we paid for the services of the people who helped us find them. We also explained there process and how we found them, so them don't think we just picked them because they were cute when we showed up.

[akafred]

DD has talked about "buying" a baby before. And she was foster adopt so we didn't pay anything.

I suppose this is the opposite of "buying" a baby in a way, but there were some long term studies on adoption subsidies in foster adopt and it had no impact on the emotional well being to know that their parents were receiving a subsidy. I can't imagine knowing that the parents paid for adoption services would have an impact.

[carolinah]

This is a topic I like to share the birthmom perspective on. I don't find fundraisers like etsy shops or the textbook drive idea tacky at all. You're willing to work for your child and I always found that admirable. I hate that adoption costs so much, but I remember thinking how very much these people must want and already love the kid I was growing b/c they were willing to give so much to make her theirs.

On the other hand, grabby gofundme pages wanting something for nothing posted all over my social media feel like a knife to the heart. They often have the tone of martyrdom mentioning the wonderful life these people are trying to give these kids (DIA, not FTA or IA) and that hurts. I could have given my daughter a good life, but I wanted more for her. They also tend to be heavy on complaining about the fees, a good bit of which went to my medical care, counseling, etc.

[Stormtroopooper]

No matter where you are at in your life, people will be a-holes about fundraising. Everything you do from that point on will be scrutinized.

We were "fundraising" with 147 Million Orphans last time around (which, honestly, I don't consider it "donating" if they are getting a product in return, but that's just me), and people went BSC when we sold our house and moved into a little bit nicer neighborhood. It didn't* matter that we got the house for a steal and were going to use part of our home equity to fund the adoption.

If we ever were to pursue private adoption again, we'd save up the cash first. Maybe take out an interest-free loan.