Scary/traumatic birth check in

[carolyngrace]

I know some ladies had an especially scary experience, and now that most of us are at least a couple weeks past our babies births, I thought it could be good to check in and process anything that is sticking with you.

I had my 6-week checkup today and cried when the MW said they usually do a speculum exam. I'm so terrified of anything going near my vagina. And I still have a tear that hasn't healed so the area is still tender. She let me decline the internal exam since I've been done bleeding for a while and don't have pain there.

When I think about having another kid I honestly feel like I'd opt for a planned c-section at this point. I feel so scared. It was so painful (pushing especially) then I couldn't stop bleeding and they had to keep reaching up inside me afterwards. Then I could hardly get out of bed for a week due to my whole bottom feeling broken. And I was nauseous and anxious.

I feel silly because by all accounts of people at my birth I did great and it was relatively complication free.

Will this fade? Has anyone else had #1 and felt like they couldn't do it again?

[Bluedaisy]

I have to say that I am very relieved that due to my c-section this time if I have more it will be a planned c-section. The surgeon and my ob both said that they would be willing to let me try to deliver but they really don't recommend it.

I know most women would want to, I'm not one of them. If I have another baby I'm DEFINITELY not going through 36 hours of induction/labor first.

[mcp6286]

I didn't have an especially scary birth but you all know I'm Team Planned C-Section! Not only was I in less pain and less stressed at delivery, I also healed WAY faster than every single friend of mine who delivered vaginally. LO is happy and healthy too. I did my research and picked an excellent surgeon, so that was a factor in how smoothly it went, but I have no regrets. Even if I didn't need a repeat c-section for medical reasons, I'd want to go that route. And those extra days in the hospital were great...such peaceful bonding time and lots of opportunities to learn from the amazing nursing staff (especially for DH). I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the next birth!

[dogmama22]

Plus one to pretty much everything mcp6286 said. After my C, people keep saying "well, you can always try for a VBAC with the next one." While I'm sad I didn't have the med-free vaginal birth that I wanted, I have no desire right now to try for a VBAC. I'll stick with the laid-back atmosphere of a planned C.
I never ended up finishing my birth story, so I'll post a very brief version here. After my water breaking, contractions didn't really start so they ended up placing cervadil and contractions were immediately painful and very close together. It was terrible feeling like I never had a break. I still didn't progress for a while and then jumped from 1 to 7 cm within about an hour. Ended up getting the epidural I said I'd never get because although I was dilating, LO wasn't moving down at all and I just couldn't take it anymore. It felt like they were reaching up to my belly button every time they checked me and I still wasn't getting breaks in contractions. An hour or so later, we started seeing decels in his heart rate with contractions. My OB said she was willing to give me another hour to try to get him to drop, but after that she would want to do a C. I told her it wasn't worth it to me and to just do the C right then. Anesthesia came back to up my dose and we were in the OR pretty quickly after that and things continued to move really fast until LO was out. He wasn't crying when I saw him go by and I tried not to panic and give it a second. Then several minutes went by as I tried to convince myself that he was ok and that time was just moving slow for me. Several minutes later I finally heard "we have a heartbeat." After ten minutes he finally cried and DH got to show him to me quickly before they both left for the special care nursery. They stitched me up and I didn't see him again for an hour and a half. They kept him overnight and by the next morning he was totally fine. I agree that the extended hospital stay was really nice.
My recovery has been totally fine - the only extra damage I had was from them moving so fast, but my doctor did a great job putting me back together.
I think my only lingering effects are some extra anxiety about his health even though they told me it shouldn't cause any problems. It also does make me a bit more anxious for the next baby, but once again, it shouldn't have any effect at all. I was also planning on having 4 kids, but that makes me nervous with that many repeat c-sections so we're just playing it by ear for now.

Sorry for the novel there. You get a cookie if you made it all the way through.

[carolyngrace]

Mcp, that is so interesting. Thanks for sharing your perspective. If I said that in my circle I think people would look at me like I have two heads. Everyone I know is all about med-free non-hospital births. And while part of me felt really empowered going that route, I'm not sure it was the best for me. Having that recovery time in the hospital sounds amazing!

[carolyngrace]

Dogmama, thanks for sharing your story! I would have been so scared. Thank god your LO is ok. Makes sense that you'd want a planned c next time.

[baileybaileybne]

LO is one month old today.
I can say I was so scared of a C, but I had one because was in labour for 26 hours before they did an emergency C a due to LO's heart beat deceleration. It wasn't a bad recovery at all. I actually think it saved my body because the OB commented if I had been able to progress I would have needed an episiotomy and had tearing. Granted I got a uterus infection 2 weeks pp but that could have happened from a natural birth too. That's what I'm actually traumatized about: I was so sick and back in hospital for 3 days. So my fear over next time stems from that. I suppose I know what to look out for now.

[laurenlou83]

I didn't have a scary delivery, but I had an unplanned c/s 28hrs after my water broke prematurely (I was 36w6d). I didn't have a set birth plan, but nothing went how I had anticipated.
I wasn't progressing, so I needed a Foley bulb and pitocin to get things moving. My water broke at 1am and I got to 9cm 2am the next day. Talk about looooong. He was posterior, wedged to the right, so a vaginal delivery and dilating that next 1cm wasn't looking good, so we opted for the c/S. My Dr said afterwards there was NO way he was coming vaginally, so I am at peace with our decision.
Like PPs said, I'm all about a repeat c/s!! Kudos to ladies who want the vbac, but I have no desire to relive those 28hrs ever again. I'm really glad I'm not alone in that!

[mcp6286]

Jul 15, 2015 15:37:14 GMT -5 carolyngrace said:

Mcp, that is so interesting. Thanks for sharing your perspective. If I said that in my circle I think people would look at me like I have two heads. Everyone I know is all about med-free non-hospital births. And while part of me felt really empowered going that route, I'm not sure it was the best for me. Having that recovery time in the hospital sounds amazing! 

Yeah, pretty much everyone I know was pretty judgmental about my decision not to try for a vaginal delivery and move to the c-section if we ran into trouble, but I knew it was the right one. And like I said in my birth story, my surgeon confirmed that later when she said it would have been a nearly impossible vaginal birth and dangerous to attempt it, in hindsight. I give kudos to ladies who can do the med-free, traditional births but it just isn't for me. Choose whatever your "mom instinct" tells you to next time...you'll make the right decision! 

[paintdadanta]

Guess I'm the odd one out. After our emergency c-section, I'd still rather try for VBAC. That could be based on the fact that local anesthetics rarely work for me and due to the urgency of the situation and lack of numbing my c-section was under general anesthesia so I didn't even see LO until 5 hours later. It made everything feel strange in terms of bonding and realizing that he was really here.

[dogmama22]

paintdadanta that would definitely be strange. I feel for you mamas who ended up having general anesthesia. I can't even imagine. I would probably try for a VBAC if I were you as well.

[musicfrk2002]

Jul 15, 2015 17:31:21 GMT -5 paintdadanta said:

Guess I'm the odd one out. After our emergency c-section, I'd still rather try for VBAC. That could be based on the fact that local anesthetics rarely work for me and due to the urgency of the situation and lack of numbing my c-section was under general anesthesia so I didn't even see LO until 5 hours later. It made everything feel strange in terms of bonding and realizing that he was really here.

I'm with you being the odd one out. I still don't feel like I ever gave birth, since I never went into labor and was under general, plus didn't see him for almost 48 hours and wasn't really with him until I was discharged 10 days after he was born. I feel really disconnected sometimes from it all. The only thing in my birth plan was to avoid a c section, and that obviously didn't happen.

[paintdadanta]

Jul 15, 2015 18:26:22 GMT -5 musicfrk2002 said:

Jul 15, 2015 17:31:21 GMT -5 paintdadanta said:

Guess I'm the odd one out. After our emergency c-section, I'd still rather try for VBAC. That could be based on the fact that local anesthetics rarely work for me and due to the urgency of the situation and lack of numbing my c-section was under general anesthesia so I didn't even see LO until 5 hours later. It made everything feel strange in terms of bonding and realizing that he was really here.

I'm with you being the odd one out. I still don't feel like I ever gave birth, since I never went into labor and was under general, plus didn't see him for almost 48 hours and wasn't really with him until I was discharged 10 days after he was born. I feel really disconnected sometimes from it all. The only thing in my birth plan was to avoid a c section, and that obviously didn't happen.

That's what happened with us and c-section was only thing on my plan to avoid too. Saw him for 5 minutes about 5 hours after surgery but he wasn't allowed to room in with us until 48 hours later due to IV antibiotics even that only happened because one of my nurses argued with the nursery to release him. It really didn't feel real at all, if he didn't look so much like DH I probably wouldn't have believed it.

[missk0411]

I didn't post about this, but my birth didn't really go the way I 'planned.' I wanted a VBAC, which I got, but I had to be induced. Shortly after giving birth, I hemorrhaged, and the doctor had to come back in to clear out some clots. My poor DH had gone to use the restroom, thinking that all was well, and came out to me white as a sheet, and with the bed tilted so that my feet were above my head. The gave me saline IV fluids, which made me shake uncontrollably ( I guess room temperature fluids hitting your 98.6 degree blood can do this). I stabilized pretty quickly and all seemed pretty ok.

But, after I was home, when Z was 8 days old, I hemorrhaged again. This was a call 911, have husband massage my uterus, bathroom looks like a horror movie set kind of deal. I had some retained placenta, and had to have a D&C. I had to stay in the hospital for several days, away from my 2 year old and the new baby. I also needed 4 units of blood.

So I seem fine physically now, and mostly mentally, but I can't help thinking that if I had just gone with a RCS, this wouldn't have happened. The doctors said there's no way to know, but I still feel guilty--my poor DH had to be Mr. Mom to both kids, I missed them terribly in the hospital, and I'm only now starting to feel like I'm in the clear.

[wormgerm]

I never got around to sharing my birth story either so here is the condensed version.

My labor was 32 hours. Went to the hospital after about 20 hours of laboring at home. I mentally ditched my pain med free water labor birth plan before we even got to the hospital because I was exhausted. Sent home after 5 hours at 3cm. My water broke as soon as I laid in my own bed so it was right back to the hospital where they said I was 6cm. Begged for the epi for hours but it didn't happen. Only received 1 dose of gbs antibiotics. Cord wrapped around his neck twice and he was grunting after birth. Quickly rushed away to the nursery. I didn't get to see or hold him for 6 hours.

Physically I was in wonderful shape. No tears. Emotionally losing those 6 hours and then walking in to a room where he was hooked up to a bunch of monitors and an IV was traumatizing. I was scared to touch him and genuinely didn't feel like he was mine. I felt like I needed permission from the nurse to do anything. He stayed in the constant care nursery for 48 hours on antibiotics waiting for blood culture results. Next thing I knew he was cleared and wheeled down to my room just in time for us to be discharged. We had spent zero time alone with him and suddenly we were leaving as a brand new family of 3. All on our own. That night he had some scary bouts of foaming up amniotic fluid and I truly thought he was going to die if we didn't hold him all night. The sobbing and sleep deprevation of that night... whew.

I'm grateful every day that baby and I are both happy and healthy. He was just there for observation and antibiotics but it felt like he was broken. My first postpartum weepies came when I realized we had the (seemingly) sickest baby there. Then thinking he was dying when we got him home. Shit. That first week was fucking terrifying.

I want 2 more and if my body can deliver again without tearing that will be awesome. Next time I want to try the water labor I dreamed of. And immediate skin to skin and those precious first 2 hours of bonding. And rooming in.

[periwinkledaydreams]

Oh wow, thankful to see this thread. I was just telling my mom how unless I tell my story, I dont even barely believe my story happened to me. Or even when I am telling it, I hear it coming out and it sounds/feels like Im talking about somebody else. It all feels unreal and slightly bizarre. After such a craptasticly excruciating pregnancy, a long traumatic delivery kind of sealed the deal for me that I want to be one and done.

I never imagined I would want to have just one child. Then, I had a 7 month migraine during my pregnancy. Then I was induced, stuck to "pain med free" plan for 24 hours, failed to progress, got an epidural, had several complications, baby was posterior and after several attempts at manually repositioning her and 30 hours in ended up in the OR having a C-section. Baby was whisked away because her cord had a knot in it. While they were stitching me up my anesthesia stopped working and I started feeling pain which was so traumatic I barely remember or was ever even conscious of what happened at the time. I just started screaming and flailing as they told me to keep still, which is quite impossible to do when you can feel surgery happening to your body, so they apparently dosed me out with morphine or something because I come back to consciousness a bit later. I have a reaaaaallly bad relationship with blackouts, and I dont like that I dont clearly remember the moment I meet my baby. Its so awful

Anyway, I just can't fathom wanting a VBAC and reliving the 30 hours I went through. I cant fathom going through another Csection conscious, and I cant fathom going through it under general. In all reality, I cant fathom risking another 9 months with an uncontrollable migraine, or knowingly becoming pregnant having to take migraine medication. Dang. Wow. Yea.

So. That was alot! Sorry n thanks!

[mrsdee1982]

I was induced. Had a 47 hour labor. And it was a hard 47 hours. Hard, long and close together contractions from the get go. Made it 37 hours before I got the Epi. Talked c-section twice during labor. Ended up having almost no energy to push. After 2 hours of pushing OB told me she was giving me 2 more pushes and then she would need to "Go in and get her now". Needed an episiotomy. Baby's cord was wrapped around neck once. Had massive bleeding after the birth. Passed out on the table, with baby still on my chest, due to my blood pressure dropping. Then, 6 days PP I developed the Shingles due to the stress the crazy long/hard labor put on my body. Not only is Shingles extremely painful, but it also makes you feel like you have the flu, complete with fever and body aches and if baby came into direct contact with my rash, which was on my stomach, side and back, or any of the fluid in the rash (like any that had gotten onto my clothes or the sheets), she could have come down with the chicken pox. I was terrified, in crazy pain, and felt like crap for 3 weeks.

Had my 6 week PP check up on Monday. I still have some stitches healing so still on the sidelines for 2 more weeks.

We want a 2nd one, but I am so afraid I'll have to be induced. If that's the case, or if my natural labor stalls, I will probably push for a c-section.

[dogmama22]

To echo periwinkledaydreams, thanks for starting this thread carolyngrace. I feel like sharing my birth story here has helped me to be more at peace with what happened. It also makes me so grateful because I can't even imagine going through what some of you went through during delivery.

[wormgerm]

Thank you @jemomma. I'm sorry you had that experience too.

You other ladies had a lot of trauma, I feel like since my delivery was good I don't have the right to complain.

[jessila]

I read through this thread yesterday and thought to myself that while my experience sucked and was far from what I wanted that it wasn't traumatic. Then I had a dream that I was part of a support group for traumatic Csections and was really upset when I woke up. So here I am.
I progressed through early labor quickly and was 6cm when I got to the hospital. It took them 12 tries to get my IV in because I was dehydrated and swollen. By the time my IV was finally in I was 9cm still without an epidural. DH and nurse talked me into breaking my water so hopefully I could just start pushing. Water was broken and baby was at a -1 so I wasn't ready to start pushing. Dr told me it would be at least 2 hours before pushing and that I could get an epidural but it may not work. So I got my epidural at 9cm and it worked - probably the most positive part of my experience aside from getting my baby. Owen was sunny side up and quite lodged into place. I pushed for 2 hours before the dr said he strongly recommended a csection. Cue the breakdown bc I did not want one but I had to. Ridiculous tremors during the surgery followed by pukingi on the table as soon as they brought Owen to me. The anesthesiologist gave me demerol to calm me down but it knocked me out which I really tried to fight so I could see my baby. DH was terrified because I kept shaking then passing out.
I know I want at least one more child so Owen has a sibling but when I think about delivering again either vbac or repeat csection I'm wondering I can do it again. Due to his size I was told that I would have needed an episiotomy to deliver him vaginally...or as the nurses put it 'he would have done some serious damage to you.' While the idea of a csection is terrifying. I was so drugged out I barely remember my time with him. I also didn't get to do skin to skin because I couldn't control my body.
Physically this is taking a long time to heal. He's just over 3 weeks and I'm still slow to move and get back on my feet. Emotionally I dread delivery again but know I'll do it in the end.

[baytosa2013]

Thanks for posting carolyngrace. I've definitely had a few moments because of C's birth and not really being clear when I first saw her. I was told at 37weeks they were scheduling a csection because she was breech just in case she didn't turn. She never did so I went in as scheduled. It was all supposed to be easy, text book, yada yada. I broke down while the surgical nurse was doing all the prep work before we even got in there. I'm not a panicky person nor am I particularly afraid of procedures but I just felt not right.

Sure enough we get in there, the spinal doesn't take, I feel their test pokes, lots of oh shits. Next thing I know they are pushing something in my IV, everything got real loud then muffled, my world spun then went black. My DH wasn't even in the room yet when they put me out. I wasn't as upset about having to have the c section because i knew it would need to happen. I was so upset because I didn't get to hear my baby girls first cry or see her until a couple hours later. I barely even remember them wheeling her in to our room because I was so hopped up on morphine. It was awful. Of course I'm totally grateful I have a healthy baby but I feel like I missed out on some of that experience. I also feel like I didn't really give birth because I never experienced a contraction...weird I know. I'm totally afraid to have another csection and honesty don't know how I'd react if I got all the way through another pregnancy only to have to be cut again.

[carolyngrace]

Oh my goodness, you ladies are incredible. I second Dogmama that I can't imagine going through what many of you did, especially with being put under for c-sections. I think we're "supposed" to move on from our birth experiences because we now have healthy babies, but it really sticks with you and it helps to talk about it!

[carolyngrace]

Jul 16, 2015 8:06:32 GMT -5 wormgerm said:

Thank you @jemomma. I'm sorry you had that experience too.

You other ladies had a lot of trauma, I feel like since my delivery was good I don't have the right to complain.

Your experience was scary and difficult in its own way. That first night at home sounded awful

[purpledaisy923]

I never posted my birth story on June 15 because I didn't want to scare all of the mamas that hadn't delivered yet. Guess that doesn't matter now. Here it goes:

I had pre-eclampsia and my blood pressure kept on getting higher and higher with each doctor's appt. I had scheduled a c-section for 37 weeks exactly, but my doctor's didn't think I was going to make it that far. I had a MFM appt. at 36w4d and my blood pressure was extremely high. They sent me over to L&D immediately for an emergency c-section. Baby B was breech, so a c-section was the safest way to deliver my twins. I didn't have any problems with the spinal block or the c-section itself. Both of the twins were perfect and didn't need any NICU time. My problems occurred after delivery.

A few hours after my c-section, I hemorrhaged. My OB decided to put in a Bakri balloon to stop the bleeding. They tried to insert the balloon while I was awake and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I screamed for them to stop. They immediately called the anesthesiologist and took me back to the OR. They knocked me out and inserted the Bakri balloon. They gave me 2 units of blood the following morning. I barely remember that day because I was so weak.

During my stay in the hospital, they gave me blood pressure meds. After 4 days, they discharged us even though my blood pressure was still high. The next day, I went to the ER because my lungs had filled up with fluid. I was in the ICU for one night. My OB was able to pull some strings and got me transferred to the mother/baby section of the hospital. DH and the twins were able to stay with me. I had to spend 4 more days in the hospital while they figured out what blood pressure meds would work for me.

ETA: After all the shit I was put through, I still want to have more children. I must be crazy. 

[ladysif]

Golly, ladies. These are awful, I'm so sorry you all had these experiences! And here I thought mine was bad. I understand your feeling, though, carolyngrace. For me, it is more that my pain threshold has been met and I'm tired of pain: I'm worn out from it, so the though of having to endure more right now is harder to bear. Time will help, though. In terms of the delivery pain, that has faded in my mind significantly; there's a huge difference in my mind between pain with a purpose (labor and delivery) and then unnecessary pain, which is what I would consider the hemorrhaging pain. I had a hemorrhoid flare up this week and it was far worse than usual just because of still healing at 3 weeks pp and my mental reaction to it.

I think you learn more about yourself and your limits each pregnancy, and as others have said, each delivery is different. I made some great choices this time based on what I learned from my labor and delivery from DS1. I opted to have my water broken earlier than I would have agreed to with #1, which helped preserve my energy for L&D; I had popsicles and had instructed DH to keep me well hydrated, which also helped my energy level and blood sugar. I was physically more capable of handling the labor and delivery pain and that was empowering. I just didn't expect the hemorrhaging issue. Now next time, I will do more research on hemorrhaging and pain management and may opt for pain meds during L&D as a preventative measure in case I would hemorrhage again.

Again, though, my sympathies to you all and for those planning on more, I wish you very, very easy and complication free deliveries, however you choose to have them!

[silv3rlining]

ladysif I had immediate PP hemorrhage with DS (not as bad as some ladies-I avoided being taken to the OR, but they were close). Since my OB and I had discussed my hemorrhage when I was pregnant with LO she had determined to have all the meds already in the deliver room. I had a slight PP hemorrhage this time but it was easily managed bc my OB was prepared (and it wasn't as bad). My labor/delivery (although pitocin and AROM induced both times) was so different this time. I hope if you have more in the future that your experience will be similar and much easier.


I just wanted to thank the rest of you ladies for sharing your stories and I hope you all find healing

[ladysif]

Jul 17, 2015 12:25:27 GMT -5 silv3rlining said:

ladysif I had immediate PP hemorrhage with DS (not as bad as some ladies-I avoided being taken to the OR, but they were close). Since my OB and I had discussed my hemorrhage when I was pregnant with LO she had determined to have all the meds already in the deliver room. I had a slight PP hemorrhage this time but it was easily managed bc my OB was prepared (and it wasn't as bad). My labor/delivery (although pitocin and AROM induced both times) was so different this time. I hope if you have more in the future that your experience will be similar and much easier.


I just wanted to thank the rest of you ladies for sharing your stories and I hope you all find healing

I would definitely do that next time too. Thanks for the info!