Looking for a little outside advice

[ak0725]

As I've mentioned before, I currently work offshore overseas off the coast of Africa. My "working time" is 4 weeks at a time and then I go home, however once you factor in the travelling it comes out to roughly 5 weeks gone and 3 weeks home.
Recently, I was talking with a former coworker of mine who left our company to get into a completely different line of work. He told me they are currently hiring and is adamant that switching jobs was the best move he's ever made. He still travels, but only for 2-3 days at a time, but much more frequently. According to him he's still gone slightly more than 50% of the year.
Here's the part I need help with... I truly enjoy my job, I'm good at it, I know the ins and outs, I have a good crew of people I work with each time I come offshore, and most importantly to me, our upper management are almost all nearing retirement age (as in within the next 5-7 years) and I am positioned nicely to be considered for a promotion at that point. However, with the LO at home now, it's causing alot of stress and tension between my wife and I that I'm gone for so long each time. I have had "out of town" jobs our entire relationship all the way back to when we first began dating, and her and I are used to dealing with me being gone, but throwing the little guy into the equation has shifted things significantly.
The new job pays fairly comparable, but slightly higher, and would ultimately be the same about of time gone. But in much shorter spurts, which I would think would lessen her burden, only having to deal with it all for short stretches rather than such long ones. But I would be starting all over again from the very bottom, in an industry that's heavily seniority based, both for time off and promotions. The former coworker of mine says the work itself is straight forward and enjoyable and according to him their insurance benefits are better, and they "have a hell of a pension plan"

I guess what I'm saying is, what do yo u think you would do? Or can you offer any brilliant questions that I'm overlooking.

Thanks in advance!!

[superlim9]

Can't hurt to get some numbers and play around with the idea... waiting for promotion is what kept me in a dead end position at another company for almost 6 years... I've been in my position on my current Rig for about 4 years now and its looking like it's the same thing as before.... and with the market turn down i'm less likely to make waves to fight for a promotion as its just as good a chance i'll be sacked instead.

On the other hand I have a friend who was just handed divorce papers in a similar situation. He just had his second daughter so he went ashore to be closer to home. He is telling me that's when the fights about money came up and ruined their relationship. because loosing that offshore pay and foreign premium was a big impact.


things to think about

Pension plans can go away very quickly - how long till your vested? what kind of "pension is it"

How far is the travel - by vehicle or plane... 20x the amount of trips to the airport and the jet lag that comes with it may increase the stress

Taxes - not sure how it works for you but almost 3/4 of my taxes are paid by my employer to Angola offsetting my US taxes, and I don't pay social security. What I do pay would increase 300% if I started working in USA again


nothing beats a spreadsheet to compare the details... but what you cant compare is the effect it will have on your family.. only way to know is to jump in the deep end.

best things is to make sure and discuss things with your current management and explain the situation. Don't burn a bridge or leave them in a tough spot. Also if your on a long term visa, work till they expire (unless its like a 5 year... lol). they are quite expensive where i am and with everybody complaining about expenditures they won't like it. If you leave the right way they might keep a door open for you to come back if things change.

[amiee]

Hope you don't mind if I thrown in my womanly perspective.

Making a spreadsheet seems like an excellent idea. Having an idea of money, benefits, taxes, amount of travel would be helpful. Also, a pro/con list for you- such as in your current job you know what is expected and are confident in your ability to complete the job etc. Then lay it all out for your SO. Explain where you stand with it all.

Then-
Ask her what she thinks about the two. What would be some pros/cons from her side of it.

Then (either same conversation or one soon after)

Ask what are some specific things that could help out with the work/home balance. It may be that she is tired and stressed and feels burdened from watching lo. She may need someone to watch lo a few hours a week so she can sleep/get out of the house/shop/clean etc. (this can be true even if she works and lo is in daycare- there are times I would love just an hour or so to get the house straightened up w/out kids, or maybe just maybe use the bathroom without interruption)

Try and steer her towards picking things that can actually be done (I know I am sometimes unreasonable in my demands when I am tired and have to be reminded of what is realistic).

Let her know if there is something that would be helpful to you (I have never worked far away so I don't know what that would be) when you come back in or for when you are gone.

This way she knows how you feel/what you think about the jobs, you know what she thinks/feels about the jobs, she feels like you are listening to her and trying to help her, she is listening to you and trying to help you.

Good luck. Being away so much has to be hard. I know you have done this throughout your relationship but having a kid does add a level of stress (and turns on some kind of mom switch) which makes women (and men) think/act differently than before. The important thing is to try and meet each others needs the best you can and adjust to a new normal with lo. 

[newmomma8]

::Lurker Here::

But as a "newer" Momma to a 17 month old and pregnant again, I wanted to put my 2 cents in.

Do you plan to have more kids?
If you get promoted, you'll still work the same on/off schedule right?

So if you get promoted, what happens if this issue of you being gone never gets better? Are you willing to walk away from a "promoted" position in the next 10-15 years to start over then? Would it be better to switch now and be able to help her with the younger years of childhood?

This all comes from the fact that my husband travels. Not nearly as much as you, but there are some months where he is gone Monday - Thursday for 2-3 weeks at a time. IT IS HARD doing it by yourself, but depending on how your wife feels, it does get easier. The older they get, it does get easier. So I feel like you have to look at if you stay in this position and nothing gets better as far as her needing help,...where will you be and look at if you switch jobs now but may not be happy with the job and that can add it's own stress to it.

You say your friend is encouraging you,...does he know you well enough to know if you would really enjoy this new position or is he basing this off how he feels about the position?

[ak0725]

First off thank you all for your responses, and I apologize for posting and then disappearing. The internet isn't always 100% reliable depending on our location.

As for the points mentioned:

- Waiting for a promotion is definitely tough, especially in this field of work. But my immediate superior has made it clear that he doesn't plan to be going offshore for too much longer, and I've got it from quality sources that I'd fill the void. But the promotions I was reall referring to would be a different level than that alltogether, and could be either of two directions. I could get to a certain level and still come offshore just as much, or take a different path within the company and get into the office and be in town all the time. Again, those promotions are anywhere from 5-7-10 years from now though.

- I sometimes worry about the point that superlim9 mentioned about too much time together. I love my wife and I have no doubts that she loves me with all that she's got. But she is also a much more schedule based person than I am with regards to home life and cleaning etc. etc. As I mentioned, I've worked out-of-town (mostly offshore with a brief stint on land rigs) ever since we started dating and I can always sense a little uneasiness the first few days after I get home. Not in a way thats personally directed at me, but more so because she gets into a routine of how the days and evenings should and need to go and then I insert myself and throw a wrench into it all. We usually get into a decent groove after a couple nights, but the same can be said towards the end of my time home where I can sense that I start to test her patience. So being home omre often and for short periods leads me to think that it would get tough before it could get smooth.

- I'll have to ask more questions regarding the pension. The former co-worker and I plan to chat about it all once I get back home. But you raise some good points about it.

- The travel would be via vehicle, leaving from Houston (our hometown) for a few days at a time. Then arrive back and drive myself home.

- I hate to admit it, but I'm honestly clueless about the tax situation... I know I am still deducted the same amount of US federal taxes from each paycheck as I've ever been. So that leads me to believe that it wouldn't change much? But I truly don't know. I am still required to go in to work when I'm not offshore so (and correct me if I'm wrong cause I'm pretty sure I am) but since I still work in the USA almost as much as I work out of Africa I would think it's kind of offesetting?

- amiee, you bring up a good point, which I should be smart enough to do regardless whether I'm considering a new job or not. Knowing she can get overwhelmed I should try to do more to relieve the burden as best I can while I'm home. However, as I said, it seems like I do more to throw off the routine than I do to help it out.

- newmomma8 we do plan on having another child, and you've got a great point. If the load is challenging as is then what would it be like with multiple children. I know there's no comparison between her burden and mine, but it truly is hard to be on my side of the situation as well. It sucks to be gone and miss "firsts'" and not see her or the LO everyday, and a second child would only make it tougher. You had another great point though, if I do stay here, get promoted, and then eventually still decide that the time away is too much then that's just that much further into a career I've travelled all for nothing. However, there are a couple related fields which I can think of that I could always try to get into which any and all experience I can get from out here would be relevant. But that's not guaranteed to be available at that point in time and then I'd be back to square one.

I definitely need to sit down and lay out a spreadsheet of compare/contrast pro/cons. Financially, emotionally and career wise. I will try to do that as this rotation wraps up so that by the time I get home and talk to him there will only be a little bit more to add to it. Hopefully then the wife and I can have a good talk about it and see where we stand.

[newmomma8]

Jul 26, 2015 20:28:39 GMT -5 ak0725 said:

- newmomma8 we do plan on having another child, and you've got a great point. If the load is challenging as is then what would it be like with multiple children. I know there's no comparison between her burden and mine, but it truly is hard to be on my side of the situation as well. It sucks to be gone and miss "firsts'" and not see her or the LO everyday, and a second child would only make it tougher. You had another great point though, if I do stay here, get promoted, and then eventually still decide that the time away is too much then that's just that much further into a career I've travelled all for nothing. However, there are a couple related fields which I can think of that I could always try to get into which any and all experience I can get from out here would be relevant. But that's not guaranteed to be available at that point in time and then I'd be back to square one.

I'm sorry I didn't touch on this in my reply.  I absolutely feel for you knowing that you are missing a lot.  I dated an oil field worker that was contemplating going to Africa 30/30 (technically I think it was 28, but that was a long time ago), when we got serious, I asked him if that was something he felt he could do being away if we had children, the chances of him missing more "firsts" were greater being away 30 days at a time than the original 7/7 he was on in the gulf,...so I do understand, to a small extent, what you are having to go through.  I can't imagine it being easy at all.  His plan was for a 2-3 year span and then back to the gulf or possibly moving up with the company and being on land at that point.

I feel for you and I hope you and your wife come to a decision that truly works for ya'll.  Best of luck and T & P's for ya'll.

[superlim9]

Jul 26, 2015 20:28:39 GMT -5 ak0725 said:

First off thank you all for your responses, and I apologize for posting and then disappearing. The internet isn't always 100% reliable depending on our location.

As for the points mentioned:

- Waiting for a promotion is definitely tough, especially in this field of work. But my immediate superior has made it clear that he doesn't plan to be going offshore for too much longer, and I've got it from quality sources that I'd fill the void. But the promotions I was reall referring to would be a different level than that alltogether, and could be either of two directions. I could get to a certain level and still come offshore just as much, or take a different path within the company and get into the office and be in town all the time. Again, those promotions are anywhere from 5-7-10 years from now though.

- I sometimes worry about the point that superlim9 mentioned about too much time together. I love my wife and I have no doubts that she loves me with all that she's got. But she is also a much more schedule based person than I am with regards to home life and cleaning etc. etc. As I mentioned, I've worked out-of-town (mostly offshore with a brief stint on land rigs) ever since we started dating and I can always sense a little uneasiness the first few days after I get home. Not in a way thats personally directed at me, but more so because she gets into a routine of how the days and evenings should and need to go and then I insert myself and throw a wrench into it all. We usually get into a decent groove after a couple nights, but the same can be said towards the end of my time home where I can sense that I start to test her patience. So being home omre often and for short periods leads me to think that it would get tough before it could get smooth.

- I'll have to ask more questions regarding the pension. The former co-worker and I plan to chat about it all once I get back home. But you raise some good points about it.

- The travel would be via vehicle, leaving from Houston (our hometown) for a few days at a time. Then arrive back and drive myself home.

- I hate to admit it, but I'm honestly clueless about the tax situation... I know I am still deducted the same amount of US federal taxes from each paycheck as I've ever been. So that leads me to believe that it wouldn't change much? But I truly don't know. I am still required to go in to work when I'm not offshore so (and correct me if I'm wrong cause I'm pretty sure I am) but since I still work in the USA almost as much as I work out of Africa I would think it's kind of offesetting?

- amiee, you bring up a good point, which I should be smart enough to do regardless whether I'm considering a new job or not. Knowing she can get overwhelmed I should try to do more to relieve the burden as best I can while I'm home. However, as I said, it seems like I do more to throw off the routine than I do to help it out.

- newmomma8 we do plan on having another child, and you've got a great point. If the load is challenging as is then what would it be like with multiple children. I know there's no comparison between her burden and mine, but it truly is hard to be on my side of the situation as well. It sucks to be gone and miss "firsts'" and not see her or the LO everyday, and a second child would only make it tougher. You had another great point though, if I do stay here, get promoted, and then eventually still decide that the time away is too much then that's just that much further into a career I've travelled all for nothing. However, there are a couple related fields which I can think of that I could always try to get into which any and all experience I can get from out here would be relevant. But that's not guaranteed to be available at that point in time and then I'd be back to square one.

I definitely need to sit down and lay out a spreadsheet of compare/contrast pro/cons. Financially, emotionally and career wise. I will try to do that as this rotation wraps up so that by the time I get home and talk to him there will only be a little bit more to add to it. Hopefully then the wife and I can have a good talk about it and see where we stand.

hey ak0725, back online after some busy weeks... but it sounds like tax stuff wont make a difference if you're still paying US tax. I'm not and haven't had it deducted in years so it would be a huge difference for me i just pay at years end once i know how much my company paid to Angola 

the biggest thing that throws my wife off when i come home is when she has to share the TV during football season.. lol.. she wants to watch all the games.. i cant do it. lol

You can't beat asking you wife's opinion and keep her in the loop as she may see things a different way