WWGKUD - Missing a birthday

[ironbaby]

I have been pulled into a fight between my brother and his GF, and I've heard both sides (kinda), so I am wondering what GKU would do. This is just for funsies. I have no intention of telling either party what to do, and I don't particularly relish being brought into it. This is more in the interest of challenging my own perspective.

My brother (Fred) and his GF (Sally) have been together for about 5 years. He has saved up for a ring, asked her parents' blessing, etc, so on track to a proposal. Point is, they consider themselves long haul.

My family has planned a last-minute 3-week vacation. My dad and I are not going, but the rest of the family is. The trip begins this week.

Sally's 30th birthday is right in the middle of the trip, and she is LIVID that Fred will not be there to celebrate with her. She is not going on the trip. He thinks she is selfish for wanting him there for "just a date on the calendar," but she feels he's not prioritizing her when it comes to something that really matters to her.

Logistically, he could afford to fly back for the weekend of her birthday then return to the trip.

What say GKU?

[requiressnacks]

Can I ask a clarification question? Where is this "last minute 3 week vacation"?

[ironbaby]

Jul 21, 2015 8:17:45 GMT -5 requiressnacks said:

Can I ask a clarification question? Where is this "last minute 3 week vacation"?

Cross-country trip in an RV.

[Deleted]

Is it legal where he is to get married to a 12 year old? I don't understand caring that much about a birthday as an adult.

[requiressnacks]

I am one of those people who rarely cares about birthdays, but I do care about milestone birthdays. (I threw myself a huge 30th birthday party for all of my friends, family)

With that said, I wonder if her issue is a larger one. Maybe she's pissed that he's going on a random 3-week vacation without her? Is she feeling excluded? Was she even invited?

My husband gets very limited vacation time so I would be really mad if he chose to use the bulk of his time off on a vacation without me.

Obviously - many unknowns here.

[lgraceh]

Did he break birthday plans to go on said trip? Or was she hoping for some big surprise party/gift/trip?

[Deleted]

I agree with @led. Why can't they just celebrate when he gets back?

[ironbaby]

requiressnacks, I don't know the answer to all of those, but yes, this milestone is important to her. I don't know if she was invited, though she surely was not excluded. That being said, it was last-minute, and she could not have gotten time off in such a short period.

lgraceh, they had made some preliminary birthday plans, which have now been cancelled.

[doodler]

I can understand feeling disappointed but to throw a hissy fit as a 30 year old woman because your boyfriend will miss your bday? I'd hate to see her reaction to an actual adult problem.

[mrsjene]

She's being irrational.

[nuggetrn]

Jul 21, 2015 8:18:32 GMT -5 @led said:

Is it legal where he is to get married to a 12 year old? I don't understand caring that much about a birthday as an adult.

Legit LOL. Thank you for that this morning.

[titania]

While I don't think he should have said "just a date on the calendar" since clearly it was important to her. I think that she could be more understanding. Personally I wouldn't fly back in the middle of a trip even if I could afford it. That seems like an unnecessary waste of money and they can celebrate when he comes back. I do think it would be nice if he sent flowers or something on that day since it is important to her.

[LadyNymeria]

Unless they already had big birthday plans that he is now cancelling to go on this trip, I think she's being unfair. There's no reason they can't celebrate her birthday after he gets back.

I've been on a big cross-country trip before and it's not an opportunity to pass up just to be home for a birthday. She is certainly entitled to feel upset that he won't be around for her actual birthday, but she shouldn't be trying to make him skip a trip like that.

[nuggetrn]

I can understand being a little disappointed... But if what you said yesterday stands true - that now she is considering not continuing the relationship over this? That sounds completely irrational.

Does your brother have a history of blowing off things that she thinks are important so that he can do what he wants?

[icaughtfire]

I'm assuming if the birthday is that important to her, she's already made plans for it. Is your brother breaking those plans to go on the family vacation? Then I'd be upset.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't think it's outrageous to want your other half at your birthday celebration.

[requiressnacks]

I also wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that he hasn't proposed yet. Sometimes women (myself included), can get mad about one thing and expect your partner to read your mind and connect the dots to something else.

[NatalieDavid]

Maybe she had it in her head that he would propose on her 30th and since he will be gone that isn't a possibility anymore. So it's turned into something more for her than he's just missing my 30th?

[ironbaby]

Jul 21, 2015 8:30:23 GMT -5 nuggetrn said:

I can understand being a little disappointed... But if what you said yesterday stands true - that now she is considering not continuing the relationship over this? That sounds completely irrational.

Does your brother have a history of blowing off things that she thinks are important so that he can do what he wants?

He doesn't often blow her off, necessarily, but he does react very harshly when his decision or viewpoint is challenged. I think she is more incensed because he declared that he was going, without approaching her with the understanding that he'd be missing the day and finding a way to celebrate around the trip. Does that make sense? Rather than apologize for missing it and trying to make it work regardless, he lashed out and blamed her for being upset.

[ironbaby]

Jul 21, 2015 8:32:46 GMT -5 icaughtfire said:

I'm assuming if the birthday is that important to her, she's already made plans for it. Is your brother breaking those plans to go on the family vacation? Then I'd be upset.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't think it's outrageous to want your other half at your birthday celebration.

Yes, plans were made. I don't know how "set in stone" they were, but certainly planned.

[icaughtfire]

Jul 21, 2015 8:36:52 GMT -5 ironbaby said:

Jul 21, 2015 8:32:46 GMT -5 icaughtfire said:

I'm assuming if the birthday is that important to her, she's already made plans for it. Is your brother breaking those plans to go on the family vacation? Then I'd be upset.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I don't think it's outrageous to want your other half at your birthday celebration.

Yes, plans were made. I don't know how "set in stone" they were, but certainly planned.

Then I would be very upset.

[pinkcat]

Jul 21, 2015 8:30:23 GMT -5 nuggetrn said:

I can understand being a little disappointed... But if what you said yesterday stands true - that now she is considering not continuing the relationship over this? That sounds completely irrational.

Does your brother have a history of blowing off things that she thinks are important so that he can do what he wants?

I agree with the above, it seems that there has to be some history here to cause her to be this upset.

I would be upset if my husband wasn't going to be home for my birthday and didn't seem to care, and was going on a 3 week trip without me. I wouldn't be irrationally upset and say the relationship was over, but I would definitely be a little sad. However, for it to be a HUGE problem like this it sounds like there must be some other issues in the relationship for this to be a deal breaker.

Is your brother making it sound like "Well, your birthday is just a day and who cares that I'm going to miss it, why can't we just celebrate when I get home?" or more like "I'm bummed that I'm going to miss your birthday, but this trip is really exciting. I wish you could come, but we'll definitely celebrate when you get home!" For me, that would make a difference in how I felt.

[ironbaby]

To add my own perspective, if H had the opportunity to do this, and it was made clear that I WAS invited, but just couldn't make it work, I'd be okay with it, if HE took the initiative to understand my feelings first and plan something special before or after.

I think what is missing here was the understanding conversation where he considered her feelings.

That being said, it would still bother me. My birthday is important to me.

[titania]

Jul 21, 2015 8:35:52 GMT -5 ironbaby said:

Jul 21, 2015 8:30:23 GMT -5 nuggetrn said:

I can understand being a little disappointed... But if what you said yesterday stands true - that now she is considering not continuing the relationship over this? That sounds completely irrational.

Does your brother have a history of blowing off things that she thinks are important so that he can do what he wants?

He doesn't often blow her off, necessarily, but he does react very harshly when his decision or viewpoint is challenged. I think she is more incensed because he declared that he was going, without approaching her with the understanding that he'd be missing the day and finding a way to celebrate around the trip. Does that make sense? Rather than apologize for missing it and trying to make it work regardless, he lashed out and blamed her for being upset.

Ok I can see why she would be upset about that.  Less about the birthday and more the fact that she feels he doesn't care at all.  Knowing how important is was to her he should have definitely approached it differently.  

[LadyNymeria]

Based on the fact that they did have plans already and how he reacted to her reaction to the situation I find myself sliding over to her side in this.

I still feel like this is a tough trip to pass up if you have the chance to go, but if I were her I'd be pissed too. I think I'd be more upset by his reaction than him being gone for my birthday.

And really, the more I think of it, I'd be upset if my H missed a big milestone birthday like this. We could certainly work it out if he approached the conversation appropriately, but I would be upset he wasn't there. Non-milestone birthday? I wouldn't be that upset if we just celebrated on a different day.

[icaughtfire]

I should also add I'm inclined to side with her because DNW to spend 3 weeks in a tight space with my family. Would not choose that over my significant other, ever.

[joy]

My reaction is that there's a lot of weirdness here.

Last minute three week trip? What the hell?

Potentially flying home for a birthday? What the double hell?

Hissy fit over missed birthday? I can't.

In summary: wtfbbq.

[jags8]

Birthdays are kind of a big deal to me. I would be upset if DH wasn't there to celebrate with me on my birthday. On my 25th, he was off bear hunting, and I wasn't very happy. He made up for it by planning a great weekend in Milwaukee for the following weekend, but my actually birthday was kind of a bummer without him (especially because he was deployed for my 24th).

I mean, I can also understand how your brother wants to go on this trip. But also he is a dick for telling her it's "just a date on the calendar."

[requiressnacks]

Jul 21, 2015 8:52:01 GMT -5 @ismellbooks said:

Jul 21, 2015 8:49:02 GMT -5 joy said:

Last minute three week trip? What the hell?

Potentially flying home for a birthday? What the double hell?

Right?! I want that kind of free time + disposable income.

+1

"last minute 3 week trip" does not compute for me.

[ironbaby]

Jul 21, 2015 8:52:01 GMT -5 @ismellbooks said:

Jul 21, 2015 8:49:02 GMT -5 joy said:

Last minute three week trip? What the hell?

Potentially flying home for a birthday? What the double hell?

Right?! I want that kind of free time + disposable income.

You and me both.

[cabgirl]

I wouldn't be upset, personally, but some people care a great deal about birthdays, especially milestone ones. It sounds like he was dismissive of/downplayed something that mattered to her, which seems like the real issue here. H and I don't make a big deal of birthdays, and I couldn't care less about mine, but if celebrating a birthday together was something that was important to H, I would consider that and wouldn't trivialize his feelings by calling it "a date on the calendar," or however that was worded.

Basically, sounds like celebrating on her actual birthday is important to her, and getting to go on the trip is important to him. They can't have both. Conflicts like this are part of being in a relationship. You compromise, and if that isn't possible, you make sacrifices.

ETA: I'm not sure what the hell my point was. Sort of sounds like they're both being unreasonable.