Dear F15

[missys]

My version of Dear Abby. Got a question? Need advice? Wondering WWF15D? Put it here!

[missys]

Ok so we had a long day and had to wake up O from his nap at 1215 to go to my husband's grandmother's birthday lunch. We didn't get home until 4 and O slept like maybe 30 in the carrier in the restaurant. We get home and my husband agrees to put him down for his nap and O won't stop crying. I go in to help and H says his teeth are hurting and he needs tylenol. I disagree and say he is just tired and to let me put him down. O stops crying and falls asleep on me. I put him in the crib and my husband is upset that I took over. O then wakes up and my husband goes in and I let it go for 15 minutes of crying and screaming and then go in. Under normal circumstances I would have let him take the reins but O was super tired and we were getting close to bedtime and I didnt want to force a baby to stay up and ruin bedtime in my eyes or give him tylenol when it wasn't necessary. Ok girls, what advice do you have or other views on the situation?
PS we did talk about it and he said to offer suggestions in the future

[dreemkin]

missys we are pretty conservative when it comes to Tylenol so I would've said no to that. And I don't think it's bad for one of the partnership to try when it's not working for the other. My H or I always take over if we see the situation not improving.

[kartish]

DH try to push Tylenol sometimes and I veto it. If DH is having trouble putting LO down, I do go in and at least am in the room. Since I'm nursing, sometimes I just ask if DH thinks he is hungry just so I can take over without hurting his feelings.

[wimcgrath]

missys I would've done the same thing. We also are hesitant to use Tylenol and it's so much easier for me to jump in and try to "fix" things simply because I spend a lot more time with DD than my husband does. I've been trying to work on this- I would be very specific about what you would do so he knows for next time. It's hard, because you kind of just have to be able to "read" the situation (know your kid), so there isn't exactly a set plan.

[misshart00]

Eh, I probably would have given him the Tylenol.

[aggiebug]

Dear routine driven momma,

First off I think we are all routine driven for the sake of our sanity. I am guessing you are the default parent in the house, this can be a blessing and a curse for both you and for your DH. You are more in tune to what LO needs and how they responding to the situation than your H is. However H is the daddy, and from the sounds of it an involved daddy he wants to be able to put LO down for a nap without help. Way to go dad!
However it is so hard to not take over in those situations. I try to remind myself what would he do if I am not here? My H would likely text me about the Tylenol and I would tell him no if we had baby teething tabs I might suggest that as an alternative. From there he would have to figure it out so I try to let him do it with me there. I will go in and ask if he needs help and if he says yes I try to give tips, or ideas first before I take over.

There have been times where we have both been frustrated in the situation. I just take over which is not what he really wanted and neither of us were happy with the situation. I have explained that sometimes I don't know what will work or what to do but when I do things I can move from wrong thought to the next. I gave him some examples of things I may or may not do and next time he can try them.

It sucks being off your routine but he was already off his routine. As hard as it is might have given up on a good nap and just planned for an earlier bed time if you think that was a realistic option (no over tired epic meltdown being eminent).

Sincerely,

SAHM and fellow default parent

[misshart00]

Jul 26, 2015 19:22:17 GMT -5 aggiebug said:

Dear routine driven momma,

First off I think we are all routine driven for the sake of our sanity. I am guessing you are the default parent in the house, this can be a blessing and a curse for both you and for your DH. You are more in tune to what LO needs and how they responding to the situation than your H is. However H is the daddy, and from the sounds of it an involved daddy he wants to be able to put LO down for a nap without help. Way to go dad!
However it is so hard to not take over in those situations. I try to remind myself what would he do if I am not here? My H would likely text me about the Tylenol and I would tell him no if we had baby teething tabs I might suggest that as an alternative. From there he would have to figure it out so I try to let him do it with me there. I will go in and ask if he needs help and if he says yes I try to give tips, or ideas first before I take over.

There have been times where we have both been frustrated in the situation. I just take over which is not what he really wanted and neither of us were happy with the situation. I have explained that sometimes I don't know what will work or what to do but when I do things I can move from wrong thought to the next. I gave him some examples of things I may or may not do and next time he can try them.

It sucks being off your routine but he was already off his routine. As hard as it is might have given up on a good nap and just planned for an earlier bed time if you think that was a realistic option (no over tired epic meltdown being eminent).

Sincerely,

SAHM and fellow default parent

And all of this.

[missys]

aggiebug‌ adopt me?
ETA- what teething tabs would you recommend?

[aggiebug]

Jul 26, 2015 19:30:32 GMT -5 missys said:

aggiebug‌ adopt me?
ETA- what teething tabs would you recommend?

You are kind. Sometimes it really takes stepping away from the situation to see the solution. That is what we are good for.

Oh and I don't have teething tabs yet so I have no recommendation I just know our pediatrician specifically said no orajel use teething tabs instead. As it is very easy to over dose the orajel and cause some serious issues.

[misshart00]

Jul 26, 2015 19:30:32 GMT -5 missys said:

aggiebug‌ adopt me?
ETA- what teething tabs would you recommend?

This is what we use. I can't tell if they actually help but it makes me feel better. Lol.

[misshart00]

Whoops. Here's the link:
www.amazon.com/Hylands-Teething-Tablets-Natural-Irritability/dp/B005F0CQ9I

[aggiebug]

Dear F15ers,

I am struggling. I am oscillating between anger and bitterness towards my FIL and it is affecting my relationships with MIL and H. As well as affecting me.

I keep trying to let it go but I just can't seem too shake it. Some days are better, usually the ones where he isn't getting his way and is acting like a pouty fool. I can see the foolishness and shake it off. But today when we left when he wanted to, when I am in the car with him (you recall that drama I basically lost that argument with H because this is cheaper and I am easier to keep happy than his dad) and even when he is holding S tonight.

It's not fair that he can throw a tantrum and not even look at his grand daughter then gets to shuttle us to his house so he can control the situation. It's not fair that this trip is a trip to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday that morphed into seeing his extended family (which I am fine with) and will spend more time with his pouty face than with my family.

I feel so much guilt too because it is to the point I am having a hard time hiding my emotions and I feel bad putting it on H. And yet I think his handling of the situation definitely hasn't helped. Tell me I am an ass hole and that I am acting just as awful as he is. Tell me to build a bridge and get over it. Because I am sure that is a good answer.

Sincerely,

Bitter party of one

[dreemkin]

aggiebug eh, you probably don't want to hear my thoughts (especially bc I had a frustrating weekend with my FIL) buuut I don't think you're in the wrong. You've tried to ignore and that's not working. I think it's okay to respectfully show your frustration in him acting that way. If it doesn't help anything, than your H should say something to his father about his behavior in private (and leave you out of the convo completely).

[missys]

Dear aggiebug‌ ,

I can completely understand your frustration and it spilling over into other areas. It is ridiculous that a grown man behaves this way and especially when no one seems to call him on said behavior.

I deal with similar frustrations with family and anxiety builds up in me until the encounter occurs. I usually end up having a much better time than anticipating the worst as I often do. I take small victories in myself when I stick up for myself or make a simple straightforward comment where previously I would have said nothing.

You are completely validated in your thoughts and feelings from this internet stranger.

Signed
Grownup (unlike FIL)

[hollydfromtn]

Jul 26, 2015 19:46:45 GMT -5 misshart00 said:

Whoops. Here's the link:
www.amazon.com/Hylands-Teething-Tablets-Natural-Irritability/dp/B005F0CQ9I

We use these too. Also no clue if they help but it's worth a try.

[aggiebug]

dreemkin and missys thanks. I feel like the situation is tearing me down and that I hate the most. I think H and I will have a heart to heart when we get home. For now I will be counting down to Wednesday morning.

[jensoprano82]

Jul 26, 2015 19:46:45 GMT -5 misshart00 said:

Whoops. Here's the link:
www.amazon.com/Hylands-Teething-Tablets-Natural-Irritability/dp/B005F0CQ9I

I can't get my shoes on fast enough to go try these.....

[jensoprano82]

Jul 26, 2015 20:28:35 GMT -5 aggiebug said:

dreemkin and missys thanks. I feel like the situation is tearing me down and that I hate the most. I think H and I will have a heart to heart when we get home. For now I will be counting down to Wednesday morning.

Sounds awful. So sorry you have to deal with this! Happy birthday to mom though!

[wimcgrath]

aggiebug my mom is a way toned-down version of your FIL in that she pouts/ is difficult so people cater to her all the time and it drives me crazy. It's not fair that the difficult people get treated like royalty and the easy-going (easier to like) people get the shaft. I think you're in the right to feel the way you feel. Unfortunately, I do think it falls to H to talk to his dad (or talk to his mom to talk to his dad, like mine does), but we know how good guys are about that. Are you close enough to your MIL to say anything to her? I'm sure she would probably be sad to know how much this is impacting you. Ugh, hugs.

[crispywheats]

Jul 26, 2015 20:30:13 GMT -5 jensoprano82 said:

Jul 26, 2015 19:46:45 GMT -5 misshart00 said:

Whoops. Here's the link:
www.amazon.com/Hylands-Teething-Tablets-Natural-Irritability/dp/B005F0CQ9I

I can't get my shoes on fast enough to go try these.....

I know Walgreens carries them. We used the Hyland's teething gel after ds' tongue and lip tie releases.

[seamonster]

Jul 26, 2015 19:39:28 GMT -5 aggiebug said:

Jul 26, 2015 19:30:32 GMT -5 missys said:

aggiebug‌ adopt me?
ETA- what teething tabs would you recommend?

You are kind. Sometimes it really takes stepping away from the situation to see the solution. That is what we are good for.

Oh and I don't have teething tabs yet so I have no recommendation I just know our pediatrician specifically said no orajel use teething tabs instead. As it is very easy to over dose the orajel and cause some serious issues.

Camomile based teething gel soothes and babies love the taste. A washcloth soaked in cold camomile tea can help to as the texture soothes the gums and the tea helps as well.

[MapleMomma]

Jul 26, 2015 19:46:45 GMT -5 misshart00 said:

Whoops. Here's the link:
www.amazon.com/Hylands-Teething-Tablets-Natural-Irritability/dp/B005F0CQ9I

We use these and they seem to help quite a bit:

www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005KG7U16/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1437965498&sr=8-1&rps=1&keywords=camilia+teething+relief&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&dpPl=1&dpID=51Ax1J9Hr5L&ref=plSrch

[flyster]

Jul 26, 2015 20:35:35 GMT -5 wimcgrath said:

aggiebug my mom is a way toned-down version of your FIL in that she pouts/ is difficult so people cater to her all the time and it drives me crazy. It's not fair that the difficult people get treated like royalty and the easy-going (easier to like) people get the shaft. I think you're in the right to feel the way you feel. Unfortunately, I do think it falls to H to talk to his dad (or talk to his mom to talk to his dad, like mine does), but we know how good guys are about that. Are you close enough to your MIL to say anything to her? I'm sure she would probably be sad to know how much this is impacting you. Ugh, hugs.

aggiebug this is exactly what I was going to say. It sucks that people work around the difficult person to the point that they don't even realize that's what they are doing. It can take an outsider to call them on it (the people working around the person, not necessarily the person being difficult). The difficult person probably isn't going to change, but hopefully you can help your H, or your MIL change their enabling of the situation.  Maybe in the future when planning trips home, you can schedule in more time with your family....really schedule, don't just say, I'd like to spend more time with them. Actually plan 5 out of 7 days with them or something.  Start talking to your H about that after this trip after you have had a chance to decompress a bit, but still in the time frame to be able to point out specific behaviors and see if you can get him to agree now, to prep him.  Closer in the next trip then you can remind H of what you agreed to at the end of this one.  It won't help right now, but in the future after a bit of distance it might.


Not much advice, but lots of hungs!

[mishka29]

aggiebug, yeah I think it's up to DH to talk to his family. I think a talk when you get home might be the brst place to start so you can explain to him how you are feeling.

[dmorgendorffer]

Slightly different kind of question that what has been asked so far but I am wondering WWF15D so here it is.

We're going on vacation with DH's family to Bald Head Island in a few weeks. The Island is only accessible by a ferry and there are no cars on the Island (going to be fun packing and schlepping baby and 2 dogs and all their supplies on a ferry). Since there are no cars transportation is via golf cart. I'm not sure if I'm being a crazy FTM about this but I am nervous about taking DD on a golf cart, and I'm not sure if I should try to attach the car seat, if there are even seat belts on the carts, or if I should just wear DD in a carrier. Thoughts?

[emilyz320]

Jul 27, 2015 13:50:16 GMT -5 dmorgendorffer said:

Slightly different kind of question that what has been asked so far but I am wondering WWF15D so here it is.

We're going on vacation with DH's family to Bald Head Island in a few weeks. The Island is only accessible by a ferry and there are no cars on the Island (going to be fun packing and schlepping baby and 2 dogs and all their supplies on a ferry). Since there are no cars transportation is via golf cart. I'm not sure if I'm being a crazy FTM about this but I am nervous about taking DD on a golf cart, and I'm not sure if I should try to attach the car seat, if there are even seat belts on the carts, or if I should just wear DD in a carrier. Thoughts?

We took dd on a golf cart over 4th of July weekend when we went to visit my sister. They drive the cart around their neighborhood and we took it to get dinner. I just held her, and she was fine. But we didn't go very far.

[mrsclark731]

dmorgendorffer, I have no real advice to offer on the golf cart situation...but I think I'd just hold onto her tight. How fast can golf carts go?

I'm interested in your vacation destination--are you driving from Jersey to NC with baby and dogs in tow? I'm always looking for vacation spots I can bring the dogs ...

[dmorgendorffer]

Jul 27, 2015 14:31:35 GMT -5 mrsclark731 said:

dmorgendorffer, I have no real advice to offer on the golf cart situation...but I think I'd just hold onto her tight. How fast can golf carts go?

I'm interested in your vacation destination--are you driving from Jersey to NC with baby and dogs in tow? I'm always looking for vacation spots I can bring the dogs ...

I think they can get up to about 25-30mph, the "speed limit" on the Island is 18 mph. I know I am being way paranoid about it but my MIL fell off the back of one the carts before. I think I will insist that only DH or I hold her on the carts and we have to be in the passenger seat facing forward, not sitting on the back.



We are driving down, I think it is going to take us about 12 hours with us having to stop fairly frequently. The Island itself is very private and quiet. I get the appeal, but I am a little annoyed since it is going to be such a hassle to get everything over on the ferry.  I think we could have had a similar experience going to the Outer Banks and it would have been much easier.  There is really not much to do on the Island, DH has mentioned leaving DD with his parents while we go out one night, but I think there is literally only one restaurant.  

[hollydfromtn]

Jul 27, 2015 14:54:47 GMT -5 dmorgendorffer said:

Jul 27, 2015 14:31:35 GMT -5 mrsclark731 said:

dmorgendorffer, I have no real advice to offer on the golf cart situation...but I think I'd just hold onto her tight. How fast can golf carts go?

I'm interested in your vacation destination--are you driving from Jersey to NC with baby and dogs in tow? I'm always looking for vacation spots I can bring the dogs ...

I think they can get up to about 25-30mph, the "speed limit" on the Island is 18 mph. I know I am being way paranoid about it but my MIL fell off the back of one the carts before. I think I will insist that only DH or I hold her on the carts and we have to be in the passenger seat facing forward, not sitting on the back.



We are driving down, I think it is going to take us about 12 hours with us having to stop fairly frequently. The Island itself is very private and quiet. I get the appeal, but I am a little annoyed since it is going to be such a hassle to get everything over on the ferry.  I think we could have had a similar experience going to the Outer Banks and it would have been much easier.  There is really not much to do on the Island, DH has mentioned leaving DD with his parents while we go out one night, but I think there is literally only one restaurant.  

I was about to suggest sitting in the front and holding her, but it looks like you beat me to it. I think it would be fine.