Advice/encouragement needed - might get long.

[musicalsilver]

I think I just need some reassurance that I'm not ruining my life/traumatizing my LO because of all this.

DH and I have been able to support LO's schooling through my unemployment over the last (nearly) year.  We'd hoped I'd find a job in the new year (2015), and that keeping LO in school would just provide a seamless transition from my grad school -> unemployment -> new job.  However, since I *still* haven't found a job, it's been time to face facts and pull LO from school.  I just sent an email to our center asking them what the protocol is for all of this, and I had to stop writing it half a dozen times to just cry. 

This is the time when most people are starting to put their kids *in* schools, not take them out.  I feel like since LO's been in school for pretty much his whole life, and he's just now getting to the point where he seems to have "friends" and talk about the kids at school when he comes home, that this is just terrible timing (at the same time, his wailing at drop-off this morning made me feel less bad?).

That being said, I know full well that so many people raise their kids without any sort of formal schooling until kindergarten, so I know I'm not going to ruin his life, I just am feeling a lot of guilt right now. 

I feel like I'm failing LO by not finding a job to keep him at this school, and more miserably, I feel like I'm failing myself because I can't find a freaking job.  I feel like this is just going to be the end of a chance of a career for me.  If I stay at home officially with LO now, I'm bound to stay at home through this pregnancy and the new LO as well.  And then I'll have two kids, and need to find an even better paying job to support all of that, and my mind kind of snowballs from there.  Even if I do find a job in the near-ish future, we now no longer have a spot for LO, and we certainly won't have any kind of spot secured for LO#2. 

I suppose I'm worried that this all means I'm going to be SAH for forever now.  Part of me kind of likes the idea (trying to embrace that), but a larger part of me feels like I'm wasting the effort of the last 7 years of my life getting a PhD.  I'm terrified to tell my parents, not in the least because my mom has always emphasized being able to remain financially independent.  Officially SAH makes me completely dependent on DH.  Trying not to dwell on that.

I also can't imagine how I'm going to be able to re-enter the workforce in my field after taking potentially years off.  I suppose at this point it's no worse than the fact that I already have nearly a year gap on my resume, but it's just killing me.

Beyond that, I need to figure out how to provide a great SAH experience for LO.  I'm sure I'll be picking folks' brains for help on that soon.

Not sure where this is going, but if you made it through this, thanks for reading.  I obviously have a lot to get off my chest.  I feel I should provide some sort of gif for your trouble.

[huckleberry08]

musicalsilver First of all, huge squishy hugs. I can't tell you how many PhDs that I know that are struggling to find jobs.

Second, I think there are a couple of big, emotional things that are being conflated, here. The first is the impact of withdrawing LO from school and the second is the implications of not having a job now on your future career.

To address the first, I've thought about withdrawing LO from school (he's been going since 10 weeks old) as he's gotten older because, frankly, he's more fun to be with. I think we could do things together during the day that would enrich him, that he'd learn from and enjoy. He can interact with other kids as part of play groups, now, and help with things around the house like cooking that will teach him skills. He loves school, but I truly think he'd get more from staying home with me now than when he was an infant. Yes, he likes his friends and talks about them, but he also really likes being at home and hanging out with me. Every kid is different, but I wouldn't worry at all about somehow harming him as long as I kept some kind of regular, active schedule going.

To address the second, like I said, I hate that you're in such good company (but you are). I don't know anything about your job search thus far, but have you considered applying for things not directly related to your field that you'd nevertheless be qualified to do? Or is moving an option? It seems like having some kind of job, any job, might help bridge this waiting period for you. That's so much easier said than done, though, I know. I have friends with PhDs who are stay at home moms and love it, but they made that decision for themselves. If you're forced into it, I think it's so much harder.

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with such a stressful situation. I'm hopeful that the job piece will fall into place for you but, in the meantime, I hope that you and LO can enjoy some one-on-one time together for a while.

[stargazer763]

I have 2 /anecdotes:
1. I was never in preschool / daycare. I went to grandma's a lot, went on playdates, and went to the library for storytime a LOT. I consider myself fairly well-adjusted (although yes, my mom drives me crazy: that's her, not me). So no, you're not "ruining" LO's life by taking him out of school. Also, G is only starting daycare in a few weeks. We do lots of trips to run errands, lots of trips to the park, and have playdates.

2. Remember, DH has his PhD, and it took him over a year of active searching to get a job. And, the job is with a company where two of our very good friends work (and therefore vouched for him). The job market sucks balls. He was a mess for a lot of that year, and it was extremely stressful on both of us. Do you remember how often I would complain that he was being dumb? Yeah, it was a lot.

I don't mean you're acting dumb! I mean it's super stressful, and I get that you're feeling down. I don't think I can say anymore other than giving your creepy internet hugs. Nothing is being ruined, I promise.

[kames12]

Hugs! You are not ruining LO's life. My mom was a SAHM until I went into 8th grade. I was involved in playgroups until kindergarten.

One of the struggles I've had is all the meet-up groups around me are for SAH parents. All activities are during when I'm working. I can't even do story time at my library for the same reason.

[melohdy]

You're 100% not ruining your LO's life!!!

I don't have much in the way of advice for you, unfortunately. I think that you could have a lot of fun with your LO if you pull him from school. I can also see the, very real, concern of having a large gap on your resume. Does your school have job placement assistance? Have you tried temp agencies or head hunters?

It may help ease your mind to give yourself a loose timeline. Think to yourself, "ok, I am going to take LO out school but I will apply for x number of jobs per week. I will also shoot to have a job by x month." The job market is crazy and there is no guarantee of meeting that time but it may make you feel as if you're working towards a goal.

[vitafelix]

You are definitely not ruining your kid, and there are a ton of SAHM activities and groups where he'll make new friends.

PP pretty much covered it, I think. There are ways to be financially independent without a FT job, but I do get that fear.

[heelibrarian]

Big hugs! I have dealt with a number of things you mentioned re: SAH, employment, and "wasting" effort on an advanced degree. I wish I had a better answer for you, but circumstances have forced me to SAH for the last 5 years and I almost certainly cannot return to my field. BUT. I am coping. How specifically do you feel like your kiddo will suffer by not being at school? The socialization aspect? Being taught concepts, etc? My kids, while never being in daycare, started going to Mother's Day Out when they were about 18 months old once or twice a week. Then at 3, preschool 2x a week, then preK 4x a week. Then add in hikes, library story times, parks, museums, crafts at home, books...I have done as much as I can (on the severe sleep deficit that I operate under) and I feel like they're in a good place, socially and academically, if you will. We exist on one income so all the things I mentioned above have been done as affordably as possible.
All that to say: it can be done. And I hope that you find a solution that makes you happy but please, please, do not feel like you're failing your kid!

[cl8badb]

((big hugs)) You are not a failure and you are not going to ruin your kid!! Everything will fall into place.

[vasc]

Murphys Law will dictate that you'll get an interview/offer as soon as he's withdrawn!

[subliminalrabbit]

More ((hugs)). You will definitely not be traumatizing your little guy! I mean, I'm jerking mine from LA to CO to OH to upstate NY in the course of a year; from full-time daycare to totally SAH to part-time sitter to another part-time sitter to who the hell knows what I'm going to do now (currently reaching out to sitters and daycares). He's totally adjusted each time, pretty seamlessly.

Re: job, I'm with PPs -- the market sucks. That's why we're living in rural NY. If you really, really want to work, just keep trying while you SAH. You'll figure out the child care part if you need to down the line.

More and more ((hugs)).

[cl8badb]

I had a thought...
If i remember correctly you had your little one in Montessori School right?
Is there any way to find a cheaper option? Even if its part time and somewhere else?
This way you dont stress over your little one not being in some sort of program. Ive heard Montessori can be pretty expensive so i figured id put it out there.

[cynthia2007]

Lots of hugs...as others have said you are not ruining his life. You're his mother and he loves you and has fun with you. Being a SAHM is hard work but so many of you do it so well.

Regarding working, I can imagine that this decision being made for you bc you can't find a job is hard. Are there any positions out there that you are over qualified for that you can do to keep experience going?

[musicalsilver]

I just want to thank you all for your responses - I'll come back and answer some of the follow up questions tomorrow, as tonight I'm throwing the towel and going to bed at the same time as LO.

I'm definitely not so worried about LO as I am about ever finding a job I really want to do again.

[cl8badb]

Aug 3, 2015 19:08:33 GMT -5 musicalsilver said:

I just want to thank you all for your responses - I'll come back and answer some of the follow up questions tomorrow, as tonight I'm throwing the towel and going to bed at the same time as LO.

I'm definitely not so worried about LO as I am about ever finding a job I really want to do again.

Awe im sure you will find something. Just dont give up!

My friend has a phd and is currently looking for work in nyc. Its not easy but something will come up! ((hugs))

[lioness13]

I just want to send you hugs. I'm sorry you're still job hunting and having to make a tough decision about your LO. This is just temporary and it will all work out.

[majwv8]

I have no words that others haven't said. More hugs and I hope everything works out for you! Sending you good job hunting vibes!

[nursemommy13]

Aug 3, 2015 20:40:42 GMT -5 majwv8 said:

I have no words that others haven't said. More hugs and I hope everything works out for you! Sending you good job hunting vibes!

This!

[momofcatan]

Big big hugs. I don't have a lot of practical advice to add except you never know what will come up. I had stopped the job search after getting KU and then got the call from the company (that turned out to be jackasses ). All you can do is keep moving forward, right now that means pulling LO out of school but you will rock being home with him, especially with the great base you both have from school. Take it one step at a time, deep breaths, you can do it.

Is there anything you can do while staying home with LO to help reduce a gap in your resume? Help colleagues with research or take a course/certification?

[skk]

More big hugs! You are doing a great job of rolling with what life is offering right now. It may not be your ideal situation and change is hard, but everything will work out for your family. I wish I could offer more and it's so much easier said than done to be patient and have faith, but I truly believe good things are coming your way so don't give up hoping for everything you've ever wanted.

[numbersgirl08]

I'm sorry the market sucks so much for you right now . But pulling him out of school now does not define you as a SAHM forever if that's not what you want to be. You can keep looking while you're staying home with him. Maybe find some babysitters you can call on when necessary if you have a job interview come up or something. Or maybe look into a part time preschool - N is going to a 3 day a week preschool that's only 9-12 and it's pretty cheap. Maybe there's something like that near you? Could give you time to keep job searching but not cost so much. It wouldn't have the Montessori feel but would be just fine for a part time thing.

Never give up trying for what you want though.. A job is out there. If you need to be a SAHM for a few months, a year, a few years, that doesn't define you.

On another note, if you are willing to change careers and like math and taking hard tests, being an actuary is awesome

[kh59]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with the job search. I know first hand that looking for work with a PhD can be a pretty big bummer--lots of competition for the opportunities that actually use your credentials, and lots of skepticism when you apply for things that don't require a degree like yours, right? If anecdotes help, I ended up with an unexpected job opportunity about six months after I had talked myself into not applying for any more and staying home with LO for awhile. Deciding to take some time at home doesn't mean never working again--of course it will be challenging to get back into a career, but you're tough and smart and great. The future will probably turn out in a pretty cool way for you, even if it doesn't take the exact path you used to think it would. Enjoy the chance to spend time with your little guy and impending second little person--I'm sure they will learn tons from being with you!

[musicalsilver]

huckleberry08 - I've been trying to apply to any and all jobs that I'm even vaguely qualified for. I'm currently revamping my resume to try to apply for some admin-type positions, which is disheartening and depressing.

melohdy - my graduate programs offers no job placement assistance. It kind of sucks. The school has all kinds of bells and whistles for the undergrads, but not for us. My former boss has also been a big fat no help at all.

heelibrarian - it's the socialization and the independence aspect. I'm going to have to work on finding playgroups etc, so the socialization aspect can be remedied fairly easily. The independence thing I suppose will come with time. I know at school he dresses himself (minus his shirt), goes to the toilet independently, and at home he has to have me there to do those things or he throws a fit. Like I said, I'm sure independence from me will just take a little longer.

@theformerwren - the nanny is a good point. As DH put it, the money we can save by not having LO in school means we could afford some sort of interim option like that if it comes down to it. And hopefully I'll be able to network with some other Moms. Goodness knows my networking obviously needs improvement!

cl8badb - yes, LO is in Montessori and it is pretty pricey, but they even have an option of part time, but DH has nixed that. DH suggested he'd be okay with something that was $200 a month, and I have no idea how feasible that is. If I'm at home anyway though, I'd rather just find some sort of class or something with that money.

cynthia2007 - definitely been applying for lots of positions that I'm overqualified for. There aren't a lot of job advertisements out there actually looking for PhDs, so that's been something I'd be willing to settle for for a while!

violet - I can only hope that the folks in my field will be feeling progressive about this subject when I am eventually able to find a job.

momofcatan - unfortunately, my field is veeery hands on, and there's not really anything I can do at home. Any kind of certification would have to be in a really different career direction. I suppose if I'm out of things for many years, I might consider even going back to school for more (hopefully not so pointless) degrees.

numbersgirl08 - at this point, maybe I should look into a complete change of fields :-P

Everybody else, thanks again for your kind words. It means a lot.

I was actually able to get through reading all this with dry eyes this time, so it's an improvement!

The school director calling me and trying to guilt trip me into keeping LO there (even though we've expressly told her we just can't afford to do this anymore) really killed me this morning. That, and DH wanting me to apply for admin assitant positions. I feel like if I do that I might as well just SAH. Sigh.  Now to figure out how to make the last seven years of wet lab biology experience translate into secretarial work ...

[numbersgirl08]

musicalsilver What's your field in? What kind of jobs are you most qualified for and what kind of jobs are you willing to take? What was your undergrad field of study? I think you told me all this last year when we were at the museum but I've forgotten.

I know I'm not in your field but I know lots of people in different fields in the metro area. It can't hurt for me to keep my ears and eyes open.

[musicalsilver]

numbersgirl08 - research biology. Specifically genetics and molecular biology (with a degree obtained from an immunology lab). Mostly qualified for wet lab research positions and not a whole lot else, as that's all I've been doing for the last seven/eight years.

I've been applying at the CDC/folks that contract for the CDC up to wazoo, because that's what I'm *really* interested in, but pretty much anything that keeps me in research in any kind in an immunological/genetics/molecular biology setting would do me just fine. I'm willing to take just about anything at this point, but ideally want it to be tangentially related to biology/public health.

Undergrad was Biochemistry and Molecular Biology - so more of the same, really. Sadly my work experience is really just lab work with a side of tutoring. I worked food service seasonally through most of undergrad, but those hours suck for dealing with a small child. It all makes it hard to find a job doing anything else!

[numbersgirl08]

Aug 4, 2015 14:06:32 GMT -5 musicalsilver said:

numbersgirl08 - research biology. Specifically genetics and molecular biology (with a degree obtained from an immunology lab). Mostly qualified for wet lab research positions and not a whole lot else, as that's all I've been doing for the last seven/eight years.

I've been applying at the CDC/folks that contract for the CDC up to wazoo, because that's what I'm *really* interested in, but pretty much anything that keeps me in research in any kind in an immunological/genetics/molecular biology setting would do me just fine. I'm willing to take just about anything at this point, but ideally want it to be tangentially related to biology/public health.

Undergrad was Biochemistry and Molecular Biology - so more of the same, really. Sadly my work experience is really just lab work with a side of tutoring. I worked food service seasonally through most of undergrad, but those hours suck for dealing with a small child. It all makes it hard to find a job doing anything else!

How have the CDC jobs gone so far? Are you having trouble getting interviews or have you gotten some interviews? I know people that have worked at the CDC, mainly in the public health sector and less in an actual lab setting though. Just throwing ideas out there - have you met with someone to go over resume at all, like a career coach or something? Sometimes that can help when you're trying to get traction, just having someone else's eyes on, an impartial third party.

Eta: also, I'm in a moms group from my church that I know has former CDC employees (maybe a current one too). People send out emails randomly sometimes that are like "I have a friend looking for such and such a job, anyone have leads". If you're interested, I can do that, if you want to message me a short blurb, like "I have a friend with extensive research biology academic experience who is looking for a job. She's very interested in the CDC but is open to other options - anyone have contacts that might help her out?"

[numbersgirl08]

Also - I know I took things in a different direction from helping you be ok with taking time off. So I am definitely willing to help if I can but it's definitely fine if you don't want that and just want support accepting things right now. I want to support you in any way that's best!

[cl8badb]

Aug 4, 2015 14:06:32 GMT -5 musicalsilver said:

numbersgirl08 - research biology. Specifically genetics and molecular biology (with a degree obtained from an immunology lab). Mostly qualified for wet lab research positions and not a whole lot else, as that's all I've been doing for the last seven/eight years.

I've been applying at the CDC/folks that contract for the CDC up to wazoo, because that's what I'm *really* interested in, but pretty much anything that keeps me in research in any kind in an immunological/genetics/molecular biology setting would do me just fine. I'm willing to take just about anything at this point, but ideally want it to be tangentially related to biology/public health.

Undergrad was Biochemistry and Molecular Biology - so more of the same, really. Sadly my work experience is really just lab work with a side of tutoring. I worked food service seasonally through most of undergrad, but those hours suck for dealing with a small child. It all makes it hard to find a job doing anything else!

Thats too funny! My friend with the phd looking for work in nyc is also in research. Mostly oncology i believe. Looking for cures for cancer and things like that.
I believe she started out working on different campuses in school research labs? Is that an option in your area?
Again, i really dont know the exact specifics of what she does but maybe working at a school could be an option for you too.

I hope you find something soon!

[huckleberry08]

musicalsilver Is there anything in industry? Technical writing? My DH is an electrophysiologist with specialization is doing bed nucleus recordings in rat brains, so...yeah. The job search was hard. He just landed a teaching job and we feel so lucky.

[kames12]

musicalsilver, my company has positions a bit outside your field of study, but I can send you a PM with the link of our careers page. We're in the biotech/pharma area

[musicalsilver]

Aug 4, 2015 16:03:55 GMT -5 huckleberry08 said:

musicalsilver Is there anything in industry? Technical writing? My DH is an electrophysiologist with specialization is doing bed nucleus recordings in rat brains, so...yeah. The job search was hard. He just landed a teaching job and we feel so lucky.

I've been looking in all sorts of industries, applied for a couple technical writing things and have been looking all over academia (from research at our big local research universities to teaching at small two year colleges).  I'd definitely feel lucky to land a teaching gig at this point, even though that's not really want I want to do.