Vent/pity party/adoption woes

[casarosada]

I just have to get this all out and typing it up might help. :-)

We have our homestudy update tomorrow. Our second update...so it is just a sad reminder that we started this whole process almost 3 years ago and are still waiting.

We will be meeting our new caseworker for the first time when she comes over. I am so annoyed that they keep changing our caseworker (this is our 3rd one!) and am hoping that after I meet her I'll be more okay with the change. So far from her emails I dont have a very positive impression of her and can't tell if it's actually yer or just the constant case worker changes.


I'm feeling in a big funk. Our only childless couple friendsnjust announced that they are expecting. I'm happy for her but bummed for me. Last weekend I went to a friend's baby's 1st bday party and there were (obviously) tons of kids. I was playing with them and a handful of people commented on how great I am with kids and that I should have kids. Nice compliment but it just bummed me out even more. I awkwardly cried most of the drive home. Ah, i just need something positive to get me out of this funk. :-(

[Captain Serious]

I'm sorry. There's no easy wait. I wish it could be a faster process for you. Lots of positive vibes and support coming your way.

[lizblue]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It's such a long and tough journey. Keep taking it one step at a time and know that it will happen. Sending hugs.

[Bayou]

I'm sorry casarosada ! No words make it easier. I'm glad I found this forum because I realize that I'm "not alone" with my feelings. Prayers coming your way & good luck tomorrow as well!

[casarosada]

Thanks. I think having the reminder of our wait plus an influx of pregnant friends/co workers is taking it's toll. It's also harf to talk to friends about this because I dont want them to feel like they can't talk about their kids/pregnancies with me. My best friend told me at the last moment that she is pregnant;she had told everyone close and just told me the day before she posted it online. That really hurt. At the same time we had been in contact with an expectant mom and she changed her mind a week before the due date and placed her daughter with a different couple. I am sure tha5 is why my friend wasnt keen on sharing her news. I wish me venting or talking about adoption stuff didn't make my friends cut me out of baby/kid stuff they would normlly share with me. I just makes it worse.

I think after our meeting tomorrow we will be treating ourselves to mexican food with a giant margarita for me. :-)

[jwinct]

Good luck with your meeting. I'm sorry that you've been waiting so long and that they keep changing your case worker. Hopefully she's better in person than in email.

Maybe you should have an honest talk with your friends about how you're feeling. They can't possibly understand what you're going through, or that the way they are trying to spare your feelings is actually hurting your feelings.

[theatrepal]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough go of it right now. It sure is a roller coaster process. I'd talk to your friend about how she hurt your feelings. We had a couple tell DH in person they were expecting and not me. I was livid. In retrospect, I wish we had something to them.

Think good thoughts. Find ways to enjoy the wait when you can. Both of our days will come!

[ceejay]

I'm sorry. The waiting process is never easy, and it's extra challenging to have to keep adjusting to new caseworkers and to deal with interactions with babies/pregnancies on rough days. I hope your meeting with the new caseworker goes well! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[redandblue]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time and feeling a bit of a funk. The waiting can be so hard. I do hope that your update meeting goes well today. Maybe your caseworker can give some tips on other things you might be able to do while waiting. Enjoy your margarita!

[getzystark]

I'm so sorry you are having a frustrating time.

[pinkie]

That is such a long wait I am sorry! Is this for DIA or foster to adopt? If it's for DIA have you looked into other agencies? 3 years seems way too long.

[casarosada]

Aug 4, 2015 13:57:41 GMT -5 pinkie said:

That is such a long wait I am sorry! Is this for DIA or foster to adopt? If it's for DIA have you looked into other agencies? 3 years seems way too long.

It is for DIA. I briefly looked into another ageny that was recommended to us by a friend but at this point we have spent so much money we wouldn't be able to aford switching agencies or using two. I wish we could. :-(

[lizblue]

casarosada, did your agency give you any indication about what could be a factor in the long wait? Have placements slowed significantly? Is there other outreach you could be doing or could opening up your profile key be helpful in being shown more frequently?

I agree that three years seems too long but I'm not sure what the number of placements vs. waiting families is at your agency. I'm sorry you are committed financially and can't switch. I hope your new caseworker is better and helps with the process.

[chele]

So sorry you've had such a long wait.

[casarosada]

Aug 4, 2015 15:54:00 GMT -5 lizblue said:

casarosada, did your agency give you any indication about what could be a factor in the long wait? Have placements slowed significantly? Is there other outreach you could be doing or could opening up your profile key be helpful in being shown more frequently?

I agree that three years seems too long but I'm not sure what the number of placements vs. waiting families is at your agency. I'm sorry you are committed financially and can't switch. I hope your new caseworker is better and helps with the process.

No, they haven't really been that helpful with the long wait. They suggested we set up a facebook page..so we did that. They didn't really have other suggestions other than to be sure to tell friends, family, coworkers that we are adopting. Does anyone on here have outreach suggestions? 

These are the most recent numbers from my agency..I'm not sure if this is average or not?


4 placements in July

(the rest are since Oct 2014)
Placements since Oct 2014 = 39

Book placements (there are 60 families in the book at a time)= 22

Outreach/Designated placements = 17 (4 Both, 9 AP only and 4 BP only)

[teenybenoit]

I'm so sorry this is such a long process and that you have had to deal with so much lately. I hope your meeting goes well.

[gnomesweetgnome]

It looks like if they are doing approximately 20 placements per year from the book and accepting 60 families at a time that a three year wait wouldn't be totally unusual. I don't really think that's fair of the agency, but there's not a lot you can do about that now that you've invested so much $. Can you set up a page on Adoptimist or other places, or is your state one where you can't advertise like that?

[pinkie]

I agree with gnome - the ratio of placements to waiting families is not ideal. Can you talk to them about considering not accepting more waiting families for a bit to allow the current pool to have a better chance? I personally don't think it's fair to continue to accept more families when the ratio is the way it is.

Have you asked for stats on how many times you have been shown and if there is feedback that you should consider updating your profile? I get angry for you hearing 1) they have your money and 2) they aren't being helpful with suggestions.

Regarding outreach - I'll be honest we tried a bunch for our first adoption and had no luck at all. We spent money on ads that would have been better served to join another agency. Anything free obviously wouldn't not hurt.

[casarosada]

Aug 5, 2015 9:05:11 GMT -5 pinkie said:

I agree with gnome - the ratio of placements to waiting families is not ideal. Can you talk to them about considering not accepting more waiting families for a bit to allow the current pool to have a better chance? I personally don't think it's fair to continue to accept more families when the ratio is the way it is.

Have you asked for stats on how many times you have been shown and if there is feedback that you should consider updating your profile? I get angry for you hearing 1) they have your money and 2) they aren't being helpful with suggestions.

Regarding outreach - I'll be honest we tried a bunch for our first adoption and had no luck at all. We spent money on ads that would have been better served to join another agency. Anything free obviously wouldn't not hurt.

Yesterday our caseworker told us that we had been shown 3 times in the past few months...maybe more but that they don't keep track with their other offices.


Ah, I don't know what to do. When we started the process we researched agencies online and narrowed it down to three and after intro meetings felt really good about this agency. Now...not so much. In the 3 years we've changed caseworkers 3 times. Four if you count the time they changed us to a caseworker that worked in a town an hour away from us. I shut that down and demanded a caseworker near us since that was one of the factors in us choosing them. They gave us a new person (the one we have now) but I've been annoyed about it ever since. 

Maybe we can start looking into other agencies again, I just really don't think we can afford it. We are in MN - any suggestions on national or MN agencies that aren't too expensive? 

[hootiemommytobe]

I'm sorry the wait has been long for you. I know the journey is hard, but you have lots of support here for sure! Just keep reminding yourself that it will happen and that baby is worth the wait. I will keep you in my prayers.

[browneyes8]

I'm so sorry- that is really tough.... Agree those numbers don't sound promising. If you could branch out to other agencies with low up front fees that may help. We also got in touch with several adoption attorneys to be on their lists for potential private adoption when I was getting discouraged with the wait. HUGS!