Lurker question

[20thirteen]

Hi! I mostly post in single parents but I have a question that maybe you guys can help me with?

So, I got a new phone with INSANE amount of storage. I do plan to do some Skype time with bio-father's parents, because I have not heard the end of it "I thought you said you'd get Skype? What's wrong with your computer? Why don't you go get a webcam?" Since July 2013.

Those who Skype with either bio-mom/bio-dad or their family... How often do you Skype? What kind of ground rules do you have set in place? Are they different for the grandparents?

I have no contact with DD's father, so I'm just mostly curious about what people do about grandparents.

[CurlieWhirlie]

My ex Skypes with his parents every weekend, they live in another country so this is the only way they see DS. They have a sort of casual schedule of every Saturday morning when they get up. DS doesn't always want to talk to them, he's five so sitting still and having conversation with grownups is tough, but he'll at least say hi. They're pretty relaxed about it, they just want to see him. So there aren't any rules, but your situation is a bit different as they're not *your* parents. What is your relationship with them like? How old is your DD? Are you envisioning ground rules to cover how they speak about your DD's dad to her? That kind of thing?

[20thirteen]

I suppose I should've given a little bit more background… Sorry about that! I have a one and a half-year-old daughter, her father has only met her maybe three times in her life… his parents, maybe about the same or maybe once or twice more. They moved to another state a month after DD was born. They send gifts, and, his mother especially, sends me lots of texts/messages on FB about skyping. Says it will help DD recognize her when she visits us or "God willing [we] visit [them]".

Mostly, she wants DD to be comfortable around her paternal grandparents when they're able to visit, even though when they have visited, the awkward and uncomfortable-ness that exudes from everything I do around them, I think, would trump any progress through Skype. She also will overstep her boundaries if she thinks I'm being "too overbearing".

[20thirteen]

Sorry, DD hit the post button.

... Continued...

I don't want them talking about their son until I have that talk with her myself, although, they're not supposed to bring him up to me either and she talks about him all the time. So, that's just one boundary that she oversteps. Currently, I'm not speaking with her until she understands I don't want nor need to hear everything going on with him. So far, it's been a week.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Ugh, sounds like a tough situation.

If you think that your DD will ultimately benefit from having a relationship with them, you probably just have to white-knuckle through some awkward interactions with them. If they're basically good people who love their granddaughter and also love their son, even if they know he didn't do the right thing by you and his daughter, you might be better off just letting the little stuff go. Like, of course they want to talk about their son to your DD, even if you ask them not to. And it won't harm her or brainwash her, kids are smart and she'll have to figure stuff out on her own as she grows.

However, I get that there may be something more sinister at play that you want to protect her from, so if that's the case, if you think their relationship with her is ultimately bad or dangerous, then it's not even worth trying to set and keep ground rules. Just cut them off and move on.