Helpful (and not so helpful) ideas for visitors

[dm718]

The hospital / early visitors thread and my birthing class today had me thinking about not just setting expectations about visiting, but trying to provide ideas about how visitors can be helpful (and maybe get to spend a little extra time with the baby).  When my husband & I were born, neither of our sets of parents had family members close enough to drop by when they feel like it, so not only do I think there's 30+ years of forgetting what having a newborn is like, but they did not have to manage excited grandparents who can stop by on a whim.

Anyways, I've thought of a few things to start my list.  As I write down my notes, I realize some are pretty tailored to our family, but additional ideas are definitely helpful.   

Helpful

• Holding / watching the baby so I can take a shower
• Bringing dinner we like (and agree upon) at an agreed upon time
• Taking out the puppy
• Loading the dishwasher

Not Helpful

• Holding the baby because that's why you came to visit 
• Bringing food we did not request or bringing dinner significantly later than agreed upon
• Deciding to hand wash our dishes and leaving them on the counter to dry (this is a pet peeve that both our mothers are guilty of)

[issytex03]

Taking the baby to hold and not giving them back when asked so i could feed her or just cuddle her myself.
My in laws did this a lot last time its made me so mad!!

[jessuh]

Are you planning on giving this list to your family?

[mel7806]

Do not randomly show up with kids! Especially if they are "just getting over something, no big deal". Yes it is! It's a huge deal! Keep your sick germy kids away from my baby, thank you!

[chunkymonkeylvr]

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a list or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

[racegurl87]

Honestly, I think the only way that you can be picky about food brought by people is if you have allergies. IMO, if you try and control what is being brought, then people will either not come or be a bit resentful.

I'm not expecting any visitors besides the parents that are coming to visit (flying in from out of town) but the only reasonable request would not to come if you or anyone in your household is or was sick recently.

[jessuh]

Jan 25, 2015 22:27:20 GMT -5 chunkymonkeylvr said:

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a lost or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

Yes! How ungrateful and outright rude does it sound to complain about when or what someone is feeding you or if they don't wash your dishes to your standards.. If I don't want to deal with someone, then I won't have them over. I certainly won't be handing my guests a chore list when they walk in the door.

[mandi195]

We are not having visitors at home for at least 2 weeks. Our family is not happy with us, but with two boys (7&8) and a new baby we will have our hands full. Our only idea for visitors is to be grateful for any help they offer once we are taking visitors; they mean well. I have a hard time remembering this because I like things done MY way... but at that point I think I'll just be happy that someone other than me is doing the dishes or laundry

[thenetwork]

This is part of why we didn't have many visitors. I knew certain people weren't really going to be helpful, so we didn't have them over until I was prepared to handle them graciously.

I think it's also really important to figure out for yourself, with your SO, what your new schedule and standards will be. Our meals became later and less elaborate for quite a while after DS was born. Weekly cleaning became bi-monthly, and errands had to be consolidated and taken over completely by one parent.

This is not to say don't accept help, but also take the opportunity to embrace the change and figure out how your nuclear family is going to make it work.

[dm718]

I completely get that I sound ungrateful if you don't know the couple of folks in my family that need to be managed, but I can promise you that there are legitimate examples of attempts to be helpful that have gone really awry. That said, there's a lot of really great excitement about the baby - first grandchild on both sides of the family, and grandparents all live nearby. My mother has a long history of showing up unannounced with groceries and gifts, so we're really trying to be proactive with her. I'm hoping in the next few weeks I can put together a list of ways to be a helpful visitor, but I'm admittedly jaded by ways the challenging family members can (and have) made more work for us in the past.

While there are no allergies, there are other dietary concerns plus a legitimate need to time meals that everyone in the family is aware of but a couple of people seem to "forget" (a pescetarian diet and T1 diabetes). I'm willing to be a bitch about this - picking up takeout or making something easy has the potential to be super helpful and not too hard, but not if it's food we don't eat or if dinner is two hours later than expected.

For the few people we need to manage, their hearts are in the right place but implantation not so great. We're trying not to add to the burdens in our home, while not prohibiting the problem relatives from visiting while I think there will be a more or less open door policy for folks like my dad, who has a great intuition about what is helpful and how to be a good guest.

[jm0848]

I can understand the worry- I have food allergies and a MIL who doesn't like to listen. I don't plan on handing out a list so much as I plan to be willing to stand my ground. She recently made a comment that she just planned to hold the baby the entire time she's here. That's not going to happen-sorry not sorry. I will say no to things she may want, and I may refuse an offer to make a casserole that she thinks is amazing, because it will make me sick. (She raves about her shrimp and broccoli casserole constantly to me...) But then it's just about a redirect- "Oh, you know what would be really great? If you could make X... DH and I love that!"

I think this list may be a better thing for you to keep on hand for you and your SO to use as a reference for what you're willing to stand up for. Handing it out to people does seem pretty demanding and rude.

[biscotto]

I don't see anyone coming by with dinner. If someone did, that would be awesome, but we live somewhere with no relatives.

I'm not looking forward to my MILs unwanted, out of date advice about everything. She even has the "best" way to load the washing machine. Old-school italians are just like this so I try my best to ignore it and eat the delicious food she cooks.

My mom will be staying with us for a month around the time DD is supposed to be born, I'm not sure how much of a help she'll be, I've never been with her in this type of situation. She likes to do laundry and iron clothes so hopefully she'll do that :-)

[katydid2015]

I'm curious as to how you plan to have an exact set time for dinner with a newborn in the house? You might not get a chance to eat until two hours later than you want.

[chunkymonkeylvr]

Understandable about T1 diabetes, I would definitely invest in a basket of goodies and snacks to munch on if the world doesn't revolve on your schedule. Time escapes you soo easily with a newborn.

[Koda]

If you need certain types of food at certain times, I would advise you start preparing for that now. Stock your freezer with things you can eat and have take out menus from places you like. You might have just had a baby, but it's still your responsibility to feed yourself.

I don't see an issue with having specific visiting hours implemented when Baby arrives. I do find it rude to hand your guests a chore list or to kick them out if they bring you food you don't like. You could throw the food in the compost/garbage if you don't like it, after the guest leaves. Most guests are not going to deliberately bring you something you find appalling. I think you need to assume positive intent with that issue.

[pele]

I dunno, timed dinner on demand seems a bit much to ask people. It's hard enough to cook for guests in your own home and time it right, much less, cook it, pack it, travel, unpack it, heat it up again, and serve it all according to a specific schedule.

As far as the dishes on the counter, ask them to hand dry items and put them away if you notice them leaving things out. They'd have to be massive bitches to be like "no, fuck you prego". And quite frankly, if they ARE like that, no list in the world is going to fix it.

[katydid2015]

Jan 26, 2015 8:38:06 GMT -5 pele said:

I dunno, timed dinner on demand seems a bit much to ask people. It's hard enough to cook for guests in your own home and time it right, much less, cook it, pack it, travel, unpack it, heat it up again, and serve it all according to a specific schedule.

As far as the dishes on the counter, ask them to hand dry items and put them away if you notice them leaving things out. They'd have to be massive bitches to be like "no, fuck you prego". And quite frankly, if they ARE like that, no list in the world is going to fix it.

I'm just a naive FTM over here so I may be totally off base but I would guess that if you have a screaming newborn that needs to be changed, fed, or put to sleep, and you are also exhausted from lack of sleep, boobs hurting, vag hurting, that the last thing you would care about is clean dishes on your counter. 

[jennypm]

Jan 25, 2015 22:27:20 GMT -5 chunkymonkeylvr said:

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a list or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

You take the good, you take the bad,

You take them both and there you have

The facts of life, the facts of life.

Sorry, couldn't resist. Carry on, I have nothing of value to add except I now have The Facts of Life theme song stuck in my head.

[chunkymonkeylvr]

Jan 26, 2015 8:43:09 GMT -5 jennypm said:

Jan 25, 2015 22:27:20 GMT -5 chunkymonkeylvr said:

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a list or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

You take the good, you take the bad,

You take them both and there you have

The facts of life, the facts of life.

Sorry, couldn't resist. Carry on, I have nothing of value to add except I now have The Facts of Life theme song stuck in my head.

That's totally what I sang when I typed it!

[TheTuna15]

Jan 25, 2015 22:40:12 GMT -5 jessuh said:

Jan 25, 2015 22:27:20 GMT -5 chunkymonkeylvr said:

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a lost or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

Yes! How ungrateful and outright rude does it sound to complain about when or what someone is feeding you or if they don't wash your dishes to your standards.. If I don't want to deal with someone, then I won't have them over. I certainly won't be handing my guests a chore list when they walk in the door.

I think that there's a fine line between the host and guests being rude. I say this as someone who has a very large Italian/South American family who sometimes feels like invitations aren't necessary to come by.

Personally, I can understand the food thing. DH has an uncle that will say he'll be over at 7pm with "x" and we'll make "y". Is it great that he cooks something and comes by? Yes. Is it great when it's 9pm and he's just walked through the door and DH and I have been sustaining on crackers for 2 hours because "SRSLY guys I'm leaving the house now"? Not so much. I've had people come by with food that I can't eat as well. If I know in advance, I'll make something on the side for myself. But when someone who's known me for 25 years brings over a fish dish with no warning, it means I'm eating cereal for dinner. 

Though I can't see being annoyed by someone else doing the wash/dishes/cleaning if it's not specifically how I always do it. I would just take the help and be grateful. 

I have made it CRYSTAL clear to friends and family that if they come by, I will not be entertaining. This is not a party you were invited to. You're not a guest, you're family. You can get your own drinks/snacks, hold the baby, etc. Just know that at the same time I'm going to be trying to contain the disaster that my home has become. 

[Deleted]

I found that most of our guests that brought food did not eat with us. Most meals were easy to freeze if not needed that day and easy to reheat. Aside from our parents and siblings most people were there an hour tops - Came, held the baby, chatted for bit, maybe had food or small gift for baby and left.

[dm718]

Thanks for the feedback! I am awful at finding that sweet spot with sharing enough context without writing a novel. I have no clue what I'm in for, but unless this little guy comes out eating on a grown up schedule, I'm confident I'll be an awful hostess and will have no patience with trying to bend his feeding schedule and our attempts to be functional people to accommodate visitors. Our childbirth educator has been heavily advising to think about how to make visitors useful, and has twice touched upon enlisting those close to you to help with nourishment. That's probably why it's at the top of my mind.

All of our immediate family lives nearby, and my mother regularly stops by unannounced, so "we're not having anyone over for at least two weeks" will be ignored. I also have some really helpful family members - after my knee surgeries, my dad would show up with muffins or donuts and make a pot of coffee, half of which he'd transfer to a thermos so I wouldn't have to move around the house. My sister shows up with wine all the time, with no expectations beyond a clean glass - she's a great distraction and I think will be thrilled to watch the baby so I can shower. But my mum has shown up two hours after she said she would bring dinner on the days of my knee surgeries (in one case, with a friend's homemade meat sauce - a generous gift that my mum knew I wouldn't eat), an aunt brought us a cold cut platter by when visiting over the summer (not great food for pescetarians), and another aunt eats more fast food most days than we eat all year (and is surprised that not everyone loves McDonalds). I really don't think sleep deprived me can muster the energy particularly gracious about help that really just results in me trying to get people out of the house so I can have a bowl of cereal without offending someone. If we go the "no visitors" route, we lose out on the good to avoid managing the difficult. I was thinking it would be easier a bitch upfront, but like jm0848, I think we really have to prepare ourselves to stand our ground. We can (and likely will) offend the challenging family members before the baby comes or after.

[jessuh]

Jan 26, 2015 8:42:06 GMT -5 katydid2015 said:

Jan 26, 2015 8:38:06 GMT -5 pele said:

I dunno, timed dinner on demand seems a bit much to ask people. It's hard enough to cook for guests in your own home and time it right, much less, cook it, pack it, travel, unpack it, heat it up again, and serve it all according to a specific schedule.

As far as the dishes on the counter, ask them to hand dry items and put them away if you notice them leaving things out. They'd have to be massive bitches to be like "no, fuck you prego". And quite frankly, if they ARE like that, no list in the world is going to fix it.

I'm just a naive FTM over here so I may be totally off base but I would guess that if you have a screaming newborn that needs to be changed, fed, or put to sleep, and you are also exhausted from lack of sleep, boobs hurting, vag hurting, that the last thing you would care about is clean dishes on your counter. 

I promise you it will feel like every.single.time. food is ready for you that baby will start crying to be changed and fed. They have this creepy radar that alerts them when mom's food is hot and they can't possibly let mom have a hot meal when she's hungry!


OP, I totally see where you're coming from. It sounds like your mom is going to be a struggle and I do think it's a good idea to be prepared to stand your ground. It's the whole list and complaining about someone feeding you that is very off-putting to me. If you don't want your mom to visit, then you tell her so. Tell her in advance that you know she shows up unannounced and that just isn't going to fly when you're trying to adjust to motherhood. If I told my mother that and she still showed up, guess who wouldn't be unlocking the door for her.. This is a great time to practice standing your ground because people will have a lot of opinions on your child and how you parent them from now until forever.


I think it's a good idea to have some tasks in mind if someone comes over and asks how they can help. It would be tacky to whip out a list and then critique how well they complete a chore. If you don't want someone leaving dishes on your counter, then don't ask them to help with dishes. But really, if someone wants to wash my dishes but not put them away, I am totally cool with that! Sure, it'd be nice if they put them away too, but now I don't have to wash so it's still saving me some time and effort. I am super particular about how I fold and put my laundry away so I would just ask someone not to worry about doing my laundry if they offer. Problem solved.

[chunkymonkeylvr]

I hate dishes on the counter as well, but I hate dishes put away wrongly more lol. I don't even let DH do dishes if I can help it; he just does it wrong. Of course if he or anyone else does them I bite my tongue and I am truly thankful that they were helping me out.

[shanniegal]

I totally understand where you are coming from, OP. I am a control freak and really non-confrontational, so I really struggled when my ILs lived with us before. My MIL did lots of cooking, cleaning, and laundry for us. Of course she didn't do things they way that I would have, so I either bit my tongue (if it was something minor), said something (if it was a real problem), or found a work around (if it was something I didn't feel comfortable addressing). So basically I got over the fact that "clean" dishes may have remnants of food on them (just rewash). I told her that using bleach in the laundry causes me to break out and itch, so only to use it when nothing of mine is in the load. And I childishly hid certain pans in the kitchen and clothes that were dirty because I was scared that she would mess them up (not my finest moments, but it worked).

[babys2015]

I plan to take up friends and families offer to bring something, or cook something, I would never offend them by dismissing their food choice though. We don't have any allergies or dietary concerns..

I will fully ask if they can hold the babies so that I can take a shower..no shame in my game. I think it's a balancing act, you should be careful not to offend someone who's motives are genuine, but also not be afraid to take back your baby or tell people when it's time to leave.l

You're not the first, nor will you be the last to be dealing with brand new motherhood. Most people understand that it's stressful, and will only be trying to help..take it while you can get it!

[frecklesinside]

Jan 25, 2015 22:40:12 GMT -5 jessuh said:

Jan 25, 2015 22:27:20 GMT -5 chunkymonkeylvr said:

I think when you open your house to visitors to take the good and the bad. I don't think I could ever give a lost or be upset if someone brought food I didn't like.

If you don't want any then don't have them, but I am taken back at the expectations of what they can and cannot do, bring (besides sick kids),or do to help out.

Yes! How ungrateful and outright rude does it sound to complain about when or what someone is feeding you or if they don't wash your dishes to your standards.. If I don't want to deal with someone, then I won't have them over. I certainly won't be handing my guests a chore list when they walk in the door.

This.

The one thing I agree with is holding baby. I feel very strongly that visitors shouldn't expect to hold baby, but rather should come to see baby, congratulate the new parents, and IF the mom offers the visitor to hold the baby, then they can... I really hate people expecting to do it. I get why they WANT to, but I think skin-to-skin with mom or dad is way more important in the first few weeks. Also, people holding the baby can give a new mom anxiety, and some people are special and can't take a hint when mom wants the baby back (like my MIL). 

And this is something I AM vocal about. The other stuff though? No. Accept what people bring you and do for you graciously. 

[frecklesinside]

Also, despite explanations, I still LOL at the expectation to eat at a certain time with a newborn...

[NatashaBromanoff]

Thankfully I don't have any overbearing family living anything less than a two day drive or a four hour flight away, but I do have some friends that might not take cues. I would only really make the Full Stop stuff an issue (like, if we're busy/doing something specific come by later or let us know ahead of time when you show up, no people who are sick/getting over being sick, etc) but when it comes to the small stuff maybe just manage it as it comes.

I would manage expectations rather than make a list of rules, especially if people are coming and bringing you food/helping clean your house/watching the baby for you. Otherwise it seems a little rude.

[pearsforpoops]

I was going to keep quiet on this one but I'm ... well I guess I'm not going to after all.

OP, I get that you've stuff going on and some circumstances that require certain accommodation, but seriously making a list of rules for people trying to help you is just downright rude.

I understand that you're "willing to be bitchy" about this and I'm all for asserting yourself and focusing on what you need for yourself and your new baby, but there has to be a level of appreciation for your guests and therefore a willingness to relax a little.

I'm just picturing myself going to the home of someone who had a newborn, as an invited guest, and being "managed" and handed a list of rules/expectations. I really think I'd leave. And I'd probably take my delicious casserole with me.