no backup on the parenting

[chilibeansm0m]

Like I said- I'm sorry a lot of my posts are whining lately. I'm just exhausted, hormonal, R is going through some crap that is exhausting me more and I'm pregnant. Add all that to something that's been bothering me for a while and I should have talked to dh about it earlier but it's gotten progressively worse now.

I feel like I have no backup on the parenting. I feel like he is in the background a lot. I feel like R never hits him or treats him like she does me because he never disciplines her and does all the fun stuff with her.

Today I had to put her in timeout 2 times for hitting me. She comes up to me, seeing my attention is on something else and will just wack you in the face. I warn her sternly- we do not it. If you hit mommy once more you will go to timeout. And she does within 1 minute with a grin on her face. Timeout takes forever because i have to put her back in the spot over and over and tears are streaming down her face which makes me want to cry too. I'm having a hard time not crying now.

I know she's exhuasted. She used to get like this when she was tired. Today we were home all day hoping to get back on schedule. She took about 30 min to go down but only slept for 20 min. A lot of the time she'll wake up half way through and go back to sleep so i didn't go in right away. But before i knew it it was an hour later and she wad knocking on the door and calling for me so i gave up.

We've been putting her down earlier now. 715-730 becauee she takes at least 30 min to go to sleep.

I feel like a lot of her behaviors is just from being tired. Maybe she's still teething? I have no idea. Developmental growth spurt?

Despite the reason i just feel like I have no backup on the parenting front. I know I'm going to have to talk to him. I'm not scared, but i know he's going to put his wall up and get defensive and I'm going to cry so Obviously I'm not looking forward to this.

I thought i had a question now i realize this was more of a vent. Sorry.

Eta i tried talking some to him and he says he'll try and help me by letting me have this coming sat off to either go out or stay in the bedroom all day. And I'm crying. Thing is there is a 50/50 chance hell have to work ot that day!

[TheEleventhHour]

Hugs mama! First, I couldn't imagine being pregnant with a toddler. I remember crying over nothing while pregnant and my toddler gives me a lot of cry about NOT pregnant so ... I might try again with talking to YH. It is great that he offered to give you some time off but is sounds like he also needs to help more in the day to day discipline. DH needs a lot of reminding to help me out with that stuff. DS will hit him or do something he shouldn't and DH will just keep sitting on the couch and give a weak "No" and I will say "Timeout would be a good option right now!" A lot of the parenting stuff falls on me still at times but the gentle reminders help.

I've been finding this age tough too. And if she is tired that can totally exacerbate it. DS will have days where he is just a beast for no good reason!

[luvindanimals]

I totally understand how you are feeling! DH leaves before DS gets up so I am the one who gets him ready in the morning and gets us both out the door by 7:30am. Most days DS is running away screaming, "no school!" He cries about having to leave and it makes me want to cry.

DH gets home about an hour after us so it makes it a challenge to get the dog out and start dinner when DS wants to play outside (in the almost dark) or is super grumpy because he is hungry and exhausted from his 9 hour day at preschool.

I feel like I am doing all by myself sometimes. Then I feel guilty for not having enough time to spend with DS.

I don't have any real advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. DS hits me more and takes out more aggression on me. I think it's because I am who he spends more time with.

Hopefully this is just terrible twos and soon it will be a distant memory just like those sleepless nights when they were newborns! Good luck to you!

[jcar]

Hugs! DS is going through the same thing where he hits me more than DH. Maybe it's a phase they're going through? He seems to hit things and throw things a lot as well as test boundaries. When he knows he shouldn't do something or if tell him no more, he gets this grin on his face and tries it again. Usually I'm the one with DS too but I think DH is trying to step up now that this baby is due in about a month.
You're definitely not alone.

[chilibeansm0m]

Thank you ladies. I'm feeling a little better today.

TheEleventhHour I agree. I told dh that's like sticking a bandaid on the problem. While I appreciate the break I'm like I still need help on the home front in generaL. jcar like you said i want dh to step up now. Before baby 2.

privacy that makes a lot of sense. I think i need to try that. I think sometimes i put too much pressure on myself after years of aba with kids that weren't mine and feel like i just draw from that. But this is my kid. It's always different when it's your own kid. When my solutions that worked with kids i worked with dont work with R I'm like wtf.

Tonight when dh got home i was exhausted from running around all day and had a load of laundry in the dryer and toys that needed help being facilitated to get put away. I told him he needed to do both. Like privacy said, i no longer hint- i tell him what i want. He didn't know where a lot of R's clothes and my clothes went so i showed him. He should know where they go so he can help more.

I also think i need to let go more. Sometimes i find myself doing things just because i know how i like them done and i dont feel like hearing him bitch about it. But i shouldn't be doing that. He needs to helP. I work too and don't get to sit on my ass for a long time when i get home. And if i did I'd probably pass out.

Sometimes i just think holy crap i have a 2 year old with 2 year old problems and a newborn who will be here soOn. People i know that don't have kids ask me if I'm ready. I'm like hell no! Anyone who tells you they are are lying.

Thank you so much ladies.

[TheEleventhHour]

It sounds like you are on the right track! I am totally guilty of putting stress on myself to do everything because I like the way I do them better. It can be hard to let go. I can be picky about how DH folds laundry and loads the dishwasher but at the end of the day when he helps out I feel so much less stressed out so I let him do his thing.

When A arrives it might take time but you will find your new routine and things will fall into place

[decaflife]

I've been pretty controlling when it comes to disciplining DD. I get upset because DH isn't helping but I know at least sometimes it's a lack of communication because I haven't explained what I do/what I expect him to do.

We went to a "positive parenting" class and he was describing how I handle DD running away and it was so off, he hasn't even seen how I react when she runs. He's not with us during the day and so he sort of guessed how I did it. He's not a big talker which can cause some problems because he won't vocalize how he wants to handle disciple, he just builds up steam and gets annoying/passive aggressive.

DD was tough and I don't think DH was ready. He would have waited a few years but I pushed to have her early in our marriage and I just don't think he was fully ready. I want one more LO but I have to wait for him to ready.

I also am sort of giving up on "timeouts" with her sitting in one spot because all it does is make us more frustrated, I've more tried to find a reasonable "consequence" to her action. DD isn't a hitter so that hasn't been an issue but with running her consequence is leaving her friends and going home.

[michieu129]

I feel the same in a way towards my hubby. It doesn't seem fair that my hubby spends so little time with Jack and Jack favors him so much. Even when he was sick, he wanted Dada....not me. Kind of a slap in the face considering Dada didn't "sleep" on the floor next to his crib when his fever finally went down. He didn't check his forehead every half an hour while he slept to make sure it never climbed back to 104.7. Dada snored happily in the other room. I was pissed.

As for the hitting, Jack does not respond well at all to discipline when his behavior is attention seeking. We have been through a hitting and biting phase. Both times, I started out overreacting and getting a bit loud. He would laugh this maniacal laugh and just do it again to get the same reaction from me. Both times, after some aha parenting reading, I lowered my voice to a normal level (not easy when he hurt me) and just sternly told him no hitting/biting, let's do "this" instead. (Insert tickling, high-fiving, etc...). We read Hands Are Not For Hittiing quite a bit as well. That also helped a lot I think.

Good luck!!

[ohiodoxiemama08]

I feel for you chilibeansm0m--my husband is actually big on discipline but it seems that she doesn't pull the same stuff with him that she does with me. I feel like she knows that on his shift days that I am exhausted and have little fight in me and takes advantage of it. The hitting/time out situation you explained has happened several times here. And when DH is home and she throws her fits he acts like I'm handling it wrong. We actually had a big fight/discussion the other night about how I will not have him question my parenting in front of her.

As for R not being rested--I know you guys have had a hard transition with the toddler bed. Have you considered making her room more sparse? Like removing all potential distractions from sleep? DD has been fighting her naps the past couple days and I know how exhausting it is when they are tired and cranky and won't sleep. Hopefully it's just a phase she'll grow out of! So far 2 seems to be very trying--yet everyone says 3 is worse!

I hope that you are able to get some rest and hopefully a break. And I agree with everyone else to be very clear in what you want and expect from DH.

Hugs and hang in there.

[dckate]

You've gotten some great advice here, but just wanted to say I'm there with you sometimes.

Hang in there!

[URMySunshine77]

You're a super hero taking care of R while pregnant. It sounds like you are doing a great job and you received some great advice here. I hope that things get easier from here on out.