Cry it out?

[shemarie82]

I have read a million things on both sides of the subject. Obviously, we cannot co-sleep with foster kids. The current foster parents just let the twins cry it out and put themselves to sleep. So, I assume that it is best for us to continue to do the same, but it is so damn hard to listen to them cry. I want them to know that we will be there whenever we need, but they are good sleepers, and I don't want to mess that up by cuddling them until they sleep. Any input?

[gnomesweetgnome]

How long are they crying for? If you don't feel comfortable with it, it will take some time to build new habits, and everyone will likely lose some sleep while you change things up. I'm not a huge fan of CIO, but depending on ages, what they experienced before coming into care, etc. it isn't the worst thing ever.

I don't know how long I would let it go on for, since B only had to CIO a couple of nights before he learned to fall asleep on his own. Even now if he wakes up in the night, we let him cry a few minutes and if he isn't calming down we go see what's up.

[jwinct]

We did CIO with our kids (at 6 months) and it was the best thing ever. Yes, it's hard to listen to a child cry, but it's worth it in the end.

With my older daughter, we did the Ferber method and it only took one night and she SSTN every night after that. Even if she woke up in the middle of the night, she'd cry for a minute and put herself back to sleep.

My younger daughter is so different from her sister. If you even went in there to verbally sooth her (which is what you do with Ferber), it would just piss her off even more. So, we just let her cry. It only took a couple of nights with her and the 2nd night was much better than the first night and after that, no more crying at bedtime.

We have a really firm "no kids in our bed" rule in our house. The only time my older daughter has ever slept in my bed is when both of us had the stomach bug at the same time, and my DH slept downstairs. I think we let her sleep between us one other time when she wasn't feeling well, but it was so awful that we swore it would never happen again. LOL

[shemarie82]

Aug 17, 2015 9:40:34 GMT -5 gnomesweetgnome said:

How long are they crying for? If you don't feel comfortable with it, it will take some time to build new habits, and everyone will likely lose some sleep while you change things up. I'm not a huge fan of CIO, but depending on ages, what they experienced before coming into care, etc. it isn't the worst thing ever.

I don't know how long I would let it go on for, since B only had to CIO a couple of nights before he learned to fall asleep on his own. Even now if he wakes up in the night, we let him cry a few minutes and if he isn't calming down we go see what's up.

It has been about 10 minutes and then they put themselves to sleep, but it feels like an eternity. When we had them for the full weekend, #1 cried HARD for about 15 minutes and I was at the point of a meltdown myself. We brought him back downstairs, turned off the tv and moved all the toys and didn't really interact with him. He wandered around for about a half hour then laid on the floor. At that time we put him back in the crib and he cried for about 5 minutes and then was out.

I know that it will be different once they are with us all the time and we can get down our own routine. It is just hard. It is something that I am anxious about in the couple hours leading up to it, which doesn't help at all.

#2 fusses, but goes down pretty easily. He will also put himself back to sleep in the middle of the night. If #1 wakes in the middle of the night, they will rub his back until he goes back to sleep. 

[spooko]

Before I weigh in:

How old are the kids?

How long have they been trying to CIO?

How long are they crying before falling asleep?

Are you doing Ferber or something similar or straight extinction CIO?

I reserve the right to ask more questions bc I feel like I'm forgetting something lol.

[shemarie82]

spooko, They are almost 15 months. The foster mom just puts them in their cribs and lets them put themselves to sleep. She said that it was hard for the 1st week, but they have been fine since then. They have been in her care about 2.5 months. They only come to our house about every other weekend for an overnight. For the most part, they cry for about 10 minutes and then fall asleep. I don't know what Ferber is, so I am going to have to look it up to answer that last question. We have just been putting them in their cribs and letting them cry. I sit in between the two rooms and listen until they are quiet.

[jwinct]

shemarie82 - I have Dr. Ferber's book, but I just found this blog that explains exactly how it works!

noobmommy.com/2008/11/to-ferberize-or-not-to-ferberize.html

[spooko]

With them not being primarily in your care at this point, I'd say you should stick out what they're used to. 10 min is not a huge deal, IMO, but I wouldn't want to do much more than that without doing a Ferber approach. Do you have an eta on when they should be with you FT? If it's a few weeks and they get used to it at your house, that may take care of the crying. If it hasn't, you could always do a Ferber style approach as a middle ground at that point.

I do appreciate the attachment issues you're up against, but I feel like you'd be sabotaging their sleep as well as teaching them to cry and get what they want at this age.

[shemarie82]

Aug 17, 2015 11:04:14 GMT -5 spooko said:

With them not being primarily in your care at this point, I'd say you should stick out what they're used to. 10 min is not a huge deal, IMO, but I wouldn't want to do much more than that without doing a Ferber approach. Do you have an eta on when they should be with you FT? If it's a few weeks and they get used to it at your house, that may take care of the crying. If it hasn't, you could always do a Ferber style approach as a middle ground at that point.

I do appreciate the attachment issues you're up against, but I feel like you'd be sabotaging their sleep as well as teaching them to cry and get what they want at this age.

We are hopeful that they will be placed within the next couple of weeks. They sleep for 12 hours once they go down, it is just that short amount of time that makes me feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I am definitely going to look into the Ferber method!

[pinkie]

If they are used to this I would continue it. 10-15 min is really not much fussing at bed and I can tell you that the older they get the more difficult it gets. Our older son was a mess and finally we got CIO to work after he was 2.

I understand the kids are getting used to a new environment but if they were already working on it I would continue.

[shemarie82]

Aug 17, 2015 14:08:53 GMT -5 pinkie said:

If they are used to this I would continue it. 10-15 min is really not much fussing at bed and I can tell you that the older they get the more difficult it gets. Our older son was a mess and finally we got CIO to work after he was 2.

I understand the kids are getting used to a new environment but if they were already working on it I would continue.

Thanks! Being that there aren't any other kids in the home, we don't have a perspective on if that is a lot of time or a little. I know it felt like an eternity to me!

[spooko]

How does you SO feel about it? Dh wasn't as phased by DD crying as I was so I would go chill outside while he handled it. Is that an option?

And I would definitely agree 10-15 min isn't a long time for this kind of thing. Sounds accurate or even good for the circumstances, to me.

[pinkie]

Aug 17, 2015 15:56:13 GMT -5 shemarie82 said:

Aug 17, 2015 14:08:53 GMT -5 pinkie said:

If they are used to this I would continue it. 10-15 min is really not much fussing at bed and I can tell you that the older they get the more difficult it gets. Our older son was a mess and finally we got CIO to work after he was 2.

I understand the kids are getting used to a new environment but if they were already working on it I would continue.

Thanks! Being that there aren't any other kids in the home, we don't have a perspective on if that is a lot of time or a little. I know it felt like an eternity to me!

Oh yes I can totally appreciate how tough it must seem to you.  Our oldest had colic, cried all the time for 3 months.  Screamed in the car.  I became kinda immune to it over time.  Then we had really tough sleep issues so more crying and screaming.  Our baby is totally opposite.  

I was thinking of your situation and the fact that they are still going back and forth between homes sort of forces you to keep this up for consistency.  The thing about sleep training is that I don't think one size fits all.  If the baby is crying for hours or to the point of vomiting (our older son did that) then you probably need to reassess . But 10-15 min is IMO within an ok range especially for their age.

how are things going otherwise?  

[shemarie82]

Aug 17, 2015 16:57:24 GMT -5 spooko said:

How does you SO feel about it? Dh wasn't as phased by DD crying as I was so I would go chill outside while he handled it. Is that an option?

And I would definitely agree 10-15 min isn't a long time for this kind of thing. Sounds accurate or even good for the circumstances, to me.

She would give in immediately, so I get bedtime duty.

[shemarie82]

Aug 17, 2015 19:01:20 GMT -5 pinkie said:

Aug 17, 2015 15:56:13 GMT -5 shemarie82 said:

Thanks! Being that there aren't any other kids in the home, we don't have a perspective on if that is a lot of time or a little. I know it felt like an eternity to me!

Oh yes I can totally appreciate how tough it must seem to you.  Our oldest had colic, cried all the time for 3 months.  Screamed in the car.  I became kinda immune to it over time.  Then we had really tough sleep issues so more crying and screaming.  Our baby is totally opposite.  

I was thinking of your situation and the fact that they are still going back and forth between homes sort of forces you to keep this up for consistency.  The thing about sleep training is that I don't think one size fits all.  If the baby is crying for hours or to the point of vomiting (our older son did that) then you probably need to reassess . But 10-15 min is IMO within an ok range especially for their age.

how are things going otherwise?  

Things are really going well!  We meet for a FTM tomorrow to talk about the plan to transfer them into our care.  We are just still waiting for our name to change from Pending to Active on the damn state website! 

[twocents6708]

I am not a fan of CIO so my approach may be different. I agree that until they are with you full time, it's probably best to keep their routine the same as it is it is in their full time foster home. As far as the transition, I think if you are not comfortable with CIO you could make modifications. Placement changes can be hard on kids and is a confusing time. You want to keep as much as the rules the same for consistencies sake but you also need to provide opportunities for attachment and comfort as well. My concern could be that CIO along with stress of a move may be a lot to handle. Is it possible to rub their backs in their cribs at night? The other option might be to rock, walk with child to help them wind down and then put in crib. There is a book called "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley that I would recommend as well. I think there is an infant and a toddler version. Another good resource for me is the blog "Nurshable" which addresses nighttime
parenting needs and gentle parenting methods if you are interested.


And fingers crossed that they get to move to your home full time very soon. That is so exciting!!!