Intro and advice- fostering to adopt 3 yo nephew

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[jwinct]

Welcome!

I think it's wonderful that you're doing this for your nephew and wish you lots of luck.

I don't yet have any experience, so I'm not sure I can offer any legitimate advice. However...

We are also getting licensed to foster-to-adopt, and I am planning to take 6 weeks off (unpaid) from work if we get a placement. My company is small and doesn't qualify for FMLA, but my employer is great and told me I could take the equivalent of a maternity leave. Our social worker seemed surprised when we told her that and thought it was wonderful. I personally think taking some time off in the beginning would be good for the transition and for attachment.

I personally would break that bedtime routine habit and get him used to falling alseep in his own bed, without a TV. It will probably be tough at first, but I think it's important to do. Reading books before bed is a much healthier bedtime routine, in my opinion. That's exactly what we do in my house. Pajamas, brush teeth, go potty, read books, go to sleep.

I'm sure your social worker will guide you with the family visits. I know, in my state, with non-family foster placements, the state determines how many visits are required. I'm not sure how it would work in your case, though. You will definitely want to have regular visits in the beginning, though, because moving a child to a new home is always considered a trauma and you don't want him to be further traumatized by not seeing his mom, as well.

Good luck!

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[jwinct]

Aug 17, 2015 13:14:26 GMT -5 wesleycrusher said:

Aug 17, 2015 12:36:52 GMT -5 jwinct said:

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I'm sure your social worker will guide you with the family visits. I know, in my state, with non-family foster placements, the state determines how many visits are required. I'm not sure how it would work in your case, though. You will definitely want to have regular visits in the beginning, though, because moving a child to a new home is always considered a trauma and you don't want him to be further traumatized by not seeing his mom, as well.

Good luck!

One issue is that we live a 5 hour car ride away...we probably see family once a month and it's not feasible to make the trip more than that. We do skype. From what i have gathered there won't be any formal arrangements, there aren't now, but we will see.

If he comes in the fall as planned we will be home for thanksgiving and then for Christmas...i am just worried that once he gets to my moms and sees his "mom" he will want to stay with her.

Oh, okay. Yeah, 5 hours is quite a hike! I imagine it will probably be difficult when he sees his current mom on the holidays, just as with any child in foster care reacts after a visit with a parent. This is one thing I'm not looking forward to.

[spooko]

I'll write tonight when I'm on the computer but we adopted my nephew (ds now).

[pinkie]

I have no experience with fostering or adopting older children so take what I say with a grain of salt

I personally think your nephew will have so many changes to deal with that I would tackle the bed issues gradually and maybe you don't have to totally change it...could you let him watch some tv in your bed but then go to his room to fall asleep. We allow some tv so maybe this wouldn't work with your rules (especially since your DD will prob join in) but at minimum I would try to maintain some normalcy for him at first.

I don't know what to say about visits with his aunt. I can see both sides. Does she want to maintain a relationship with him? I think trying skype or FaceTime may be a good idea.

Does he go to daycare now? If he doesn't I would consider trying to stay home with him for a bit. Would he be in the same room as your DD? If they can have some time to bond, I think having her with him could help his transition.

Hopefully captain serious will see this (I already see spooko will respond)

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[wesleycrusher]

Also another stupid question having nothing to do with fostering...nephew and DD have always gotten baths together when needed. How long do kids of the opposition sex get baths together?

[spooko]

Ok, I'm back. We got full physical custody of my nephew when he was about 1, but we didn't finalize the adoption unit he was nearly 4 because of lengthy court case. Furthermore, we had already been really active in his life well before taking him, so we didn't have as big of a transition as you will.

I noticed that you said there won't be any formal oversight in place. What's preventing you from moving him to your house already, then? I'm not sure why you'd need to be approved to foster if you aren't going through the system. Who has guardianship at this point? Where's his BM in all of this? Is there a reason you are not just going the private adoption route?

Do you have daycare lined up already? If he's going to be part of the foster care system, there are usually regs on where a child can go for care. In our area, that significantly cut the list of who we could use and there were wait lists at most places. If you aren't going to be able to get him into care right away, you may have no other choice but to use the leave. Either way, I'd want to use some of it, but probably not so much that he gets into a routine with you in just enough time to have to change again.

Are you planning on just taking him all at once or doing weekend visits at your house or something first. I see that you're far away, but maybe at least getting him comfortable there a few times would be worth the trip.

Provided that he isn't completely distraught about going to your house, I'd change the bedtime routine right away. I think kids are really flexible and able to learn, quite young, that different houses do things differently. "At our house, bedtime works like X. At Auntie's house, they work like Y. It's not the same, but that's OK, you'll survive."

I kind of feel like you're going to have to wing what kind of contact to have with his aunt/mom. Sometimes it's like going away to camp, where hearing from your parent makes you that much more homesick. And sometimes it works just fine and it's reassuring to see that they're still a constant part of your life, even if it's in a different capacity. Overall, I think you'll want to keep a good relationship because openness is often better than not and because hey, it's one more person to love your kid.

[spooko]

Aug 17, 2015 21:53:39 GMT -5 wesleycrusher said:

Also another stupid question having nothing to do with fostering...nephew and DD have always gotten baths together when needed. How long do kids of the opposition sex get baths together?

I'm probably more lax than normal about this, but my kids (8 yo DS and 4 yo DD) still shower together sometimes. They don't have an issue with it and I'm not about to create one. If one of them becomes uncomfortable with it, that's the time to stop, IMO. 

[wesleycrusher]

DD

[spooko]

Happy to PM. I know it can get in depth!

[twocents6708]

My background is in child welfare and working with children in the foster care system, just as a preface as my experience is more from a professional background rather than personal at this point. Since your home will be new and he is already in the "system" placed with kin, it sounds to me like this is going to be another change for him in his young life. I would definitely recommend taking it slow with changes to his routine. Changing homes is already a huge move and will be a confusing time. I have seen foster parents take a few weeks off with LO to help them get adjusted to the home routine and maybe take them to the daycare for half days or 2-3 days a week at first to help them transition into new places and routines. I would phase out the bedtime TV habit over time rather than cold turkey. That may be his only stable or consistent thing after the move and kids tend to do better when some of the things remain the same after a placement change. It usually helps to reduce some of the behavioral issues that sometimes come about as well. As far as the bathing, I think that is a personal decision and also depends on your kids and their own personal boundaries. As
far as visits, I would do what you could to facilitate phone or Skype as you can and in person visits whenever able. That may need adjusting depending on how he reacts as well. Best of luck and congrats on welcoming a new family member!!

[wesleycrusher]

twocents6708 or anyone- do you think i should keep DD home from daycare with him? Or still send her as usual?

[pinkie]

Aug 19, 2015 8:08:53 GMT -5 wesleycrusher said:

twocents6708 or anyone- do you think i should keep DD home from daycare with him? Or still send her as usual?

I'll give my two cents - I think it may help him to bond with you if he has one on one time.

[twocents6708]

I would try without her home at first in case he needs some one on one time and attach to you as a caregiver but if he seems to do better with a playmate, then maybe keep them both home. I don't think it would need to be long but maybe for a week or two. When we moved, I took my daughter to the daycare for a your to get familiar and then a few days later I went with her and we stayed for an hour or two. Then she went a couple of half days before she started attending full time. I think it will mostly depend on how he adjusts. He might do really great and won't end as much transition or may need more time than that. Good luck to you!

[hootiemommytobe]

Just wanted to say Welcome! I don't have any experience with Foster to adopt, but I do hope everything works out for you!!