PPA/PPD check in

[periwinkledaydreams]

Hi ladies, So Ive been pretty MIA the past few weeks. Life has really piled up the shittiness like a mother effer, Ive been feeling seriously tortured by circumstance and timing and Im pissed that so much crap in my life is keeping me from fully enjoying my beautiful little girl right now. I dont want to come on here and just be a big ole complainer, I feel physically awful, Ive been at drs appointments almost every day, and any time I have Im curled up in a little ball so thats why I havent posted much recently. Aaaanyway clearly Im overwhelmed and struggling with some depressed feelings.

I know we had one of these started a long time ago, and even though I havent oosted much I still read when I can and havent seen it come up and wanted to reach out. Thought it might be a good time to open up a space for those of us who might want to talk about depression/anxiety and what were going through, how were feeling, how were coping, medication, etc, anything, whatever.

I know me personally, right now I am struggling so hard right now with the decision whether or not to go the route of medication while breastfeeding, even though my doctor has cleared me 100% and the medication is prescribed already two fold for depression/anxiety AND for my chronic migraine. I have the prescripstion in hand, I just can't seem to bring myself to take that first pill knowing Im going to be feeding my LO. It gives me even more anxiety. This is now the second script they've written me for the migraine, the last one I took home and waffled over for 2 weeks before deciding the thought of taking it gave me too much anxiety and they decided to prescribe the antidepressant/antianxiety which also acts as a migraine prophylactic. Now I cant take that one. Im a mess! And my head continues to pound! And I havent even mentioned the rest of my pile of shambles stress explosion life!! But my baby is healthy and I want to keep it that way. Im so torn.

Anyway, on one hand I hope ideally that no one else is struggling with PPA/PPD. On the other hand, the liklihood is that others are, and in that case I do hope that if there are others that you might chose this as a space to share and connect and know were not alone.

[missjenniebean]

I am so sorry you are struggling and are overwhelmed. I completely understand your concern and think you have a right to be that concerned. Never underestimate your feelings. You are doing right getting help from a doctor and your family and friends are able to help as well. If the doctor knows you are breastfeeding and still prescribes it it should be okay.

I am on meds too and it stressed me out to know end that she would get it too. It came down to - I can't give her the care she needs if I am constantly crying, not wanting to care for her, and dreading waking up. I wasn't enjoying her, I was wondering why I was graced with a baby when I couldn't mentally handle her, I was crying all the time. After I finally started the meds, it was a slow start but eventually I felt that I was able to handle my day and she doesn't seem to be affected by any that she would receive through me.

In the end, do whatever is best for you BC it is best for your little girl. For me, I was unable to give her what she needed and care for myself as well. I decided that it was best for me and her and my family.

Do what is best for you and her. And remember, you have us!

[ravinraven216]

I just got back from the follow up to my 6 week PP check up - just a quick meeting with my OB to see how I was doing. I was prescribed Zoloft in July and I had no qualms about taking it. If I didn't at least try it, someone was going to end up hurt, I was such a wreck. Now I feel almost like my old self again with just my usual amount of anxiety. I'll be continuing it for the next 6 months. In February we'll evaluate if I need to keep on it or if I can wean myself off of it.

I understand the reluctance to take medication while breastfeeding, but remember that what baby needs the most is a healthy mother. Only when I started to feel better could I be an effective parent.

[turtletyme]

I know the board is pretty quiet right now, so I just wanted to say hi and let you know we are here for you. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your baby by taking meds. Of course, you know that... Just a reminder!

I have some anxiety (worst at night) and I am not doing anything about it at the moment. It's a new thing for me. Aside from worrying and fears, I find myself feeling like I need to be on my to-do list all the time. I am policing myself as much as possible with this, because I know it's stupid that I let the baby nap in the sleeper instead of in my arms so that I can sweep the floor.

[baileybaileybne]

I agree completely with pps but just wanted to say: don't feel bad about complaining. This is not sunshine and lollipops. This is hard work. There are great bits to it but no one expects you to pretend the hard parts don't exist. We know! We sympathize!
I know it's easier said than done to overcome your concerns but a healthy happy mum is the best thing for your LO. I would take the meds.
Keep in touch.

[holliberry28]

I wish you wouldn't feel so guilty about taking the meds to feel better. I know its a personal decision, and a lot of people would judge me for staying on Zoloft while pregnant, but the way I saw it, I had no other choice. There was no way I could see myself having a healthy pregnancy which such severe anxiety and panic. I know it probably doesn't help since your doctors said it was safe to take the meds, but just to reiterate, my psychiatrist and OB said Zoloft is one of the safest and doesn't really get transferred via breastmilk.

I really hope you feel better and let yourself get the help you need. The way I say antidepressants and anti anxiety meds are like this... If you're diabetic, you need insulin; same thing with mental health.

Hang in there, it isn't easy but well get through it together.
That being said, thank you again to all you amazing ladies for your advice, wisdom, and distraction when things get tough.

[carolyngrace]

Did anyone else here grow up with a depressed parent? My mom was extremely depressed and it manifested in angry outbursts that were terrifying. She has a lot of guilt, because she knows how much it negatively affected the whole family... For that reason I have no hesitance about being on medication and taking time for myself (therapy, exercise, time with friends, focusing on my career). As many people have said, happy mom is the most important thing!

I'm for sure struggling with some PP anxiety. However, it's started getting better with being back at work a couple days a week. I think my mind needed something else to think about so I'm not constantly obsessing about baby sleeping/eating/etc. I notice when I take time out with friends more it's better, too.

[turtletyme]

carolyngrace my mom was the same way with anger and she didn't go on medication til I was in middle school. I always loved to talk back, and that would really get her revved up. I think about that a lot and am quick to recognize anything similar in myself.

[dogmama22]

My mom was diagnosed with depression, but refused to take her medication. I think she's really more bipolar and we still have a really confusing relationship at times. I totally agree with carolyngrace that a healthy mom is super important for the whole family.

[teenybird]

I was a total train wreck at my 6 week PP visit. My MW pretty much said,
"I want you on Zoloft," and I was too tired and phlegmy from crying to argue. I had stopped BFing at that point already, so I at least didn't have any second thoughts about LO getting meds through my milk, but I still stared down that pill bottle when DH brought it home from the pharmacy. I'm still on a super low dose, and sometimes I wonder how much it's really doing, but DH said I seem better on it, so I'll keep with it for now. I'm not any worse and not having any negative side effects, so I feel like it can't hurt to stick with it another few months. I've been talking with a counselor who specializes in pregnancy and PP concerns, as well, which has been very helpful.

I agree with the other mamas here that you have to take care of yourself before you can truly take care of anyone else. Healthy mama means baby gets all the love and attention he/she needs - not a shell of a mama who's too depressed or anxious to be truly present for those special moments.

My weekly hour with the counselor and stolen minutes here and there during the day really help me re-charge myself so that I can be a better mama to my little dude when I step back into my role as mama. I guess it's a roundabout way of saying: Don't lose yourself in all of the newness that comes with mothering. You birthed a human - so you're pretty damn strong! Sometimes it's just hard to remember the warrior "you" when it feels like everything is happening at once and you can't keep up. You are still you - strong, dedicated, capable. Sometimes we just need a little help to remember that.

We're all here with you and for you!

[bruunk]

I can only agree with PPs and tell you that we are here for you! Please, come complain- if that's what you need we are here! I haven't posted much either lately, because, DUDE - this is hard!! No way I could do it with a chronic migraine from hell (I get a migraine around my period, I'm hoping it doesn't come back for a long time). You're doing awesome, you are a wonderful mom (how could you not be, your first thought was LO), but to keep it up you must, must, MUST, put your air supply on first! Take care of you mama - we're here if you need us!

[Bluedaisy]

I just want to send huge hugs out to all of you ladies. Depression is so misunderstood and it's so important to have help. I have struggled with depression and anxiety issues since my teen years and I know how isolating it can be.

Since my pregnancy I haven't had depression issues but I have been very anxious about baby and it seems to manifest as almost a hypochondria about him. I'm not sure if it's just new mom jitters and it's normal to analyse every diaper, bump, cough, etc.

My mom is going to come to stay for a few days and after that I'm going to re-evaluate and decide if I need to speak to someone about it.

[baileybaileybne]

@freckleface that sounds stressful. I know everyone is different and you are focusing on being a great mum, but to me it doesn't sound all that normal to the extent you describe, so I encourage you to investigate it further.
Best of luck.

[periwinkledaydreams]

Basically, @freckleface, dont let your mom or your hubs or anybody discourage you from reaching out if you feel like you need help coping. Great on you for talking to your doctor! Just because they think it is "normal" for new moms, if you dont feel right within yourself then thats what matters. I think sometimes people dont know what to say maybe so they try to tell us that what were feeling is "normal" in order to comfort us, not realizing that we dont necessarilly need comfort but what we really need is much more complicated than that! I hope your doctor is a great resource and I hope your family is supportive. It sounds like they are maybe trying to be but just dont know the right words to say?

[baileybaileybne]

@freckleface I'm Glad to hear you've been proactive about your concerns. I can only sympathies with the stress about whether to take it while breast feeding. It sounds like your anxiety might be feeding that a bit too, which is a cycle itself, but might be a tick in the 'take it' column so it can address that anxiety and it might reduce?
If you've taken it before at least you know how it will feel and react with you so that's not an unknown.
As others have said, your doctor thinks it's safe for you to take, so that's a good guide. I know logically you know that and it doesn't necessarily make the decision clear cut, but if you want the assistance and think it will help hopefully you can come to terms with it.
Keep us in the loop and feel free to vent your concerns. Lots of ears here.


ETA to add a tag.

[missjenniebean]

@freckleface hope that helps you. Anxiety is not fun. All babies develop at different rates, but I hate it when doctors do that. I swear sometimes they make you worry more.
Mine seems to be getting worse but I have a lot of stressors right now too. All I want to do is sleep.

[mnp48]

I don't have much to add except that I wanted to let you all know I totally get it! Having dealt with anxiety and depression, it's tough toeing that fine line of "do I need rx help or can I handle this on my own?". And, I'm going to agree with PPs as well. Do what you need to do to get better. It's tough. And, boy, do I know it's tough!