Getting through to DH

[sarahandeddie]

DH works a ton. When he's off he barely spends any time with the girls. Both girls are asking why daddy never spends time with them. I just asked him if he could skip skydiving tonight and do something as a family. He got super pissed. He said he deserves some time to relax and the kids will "get over it."

I'm so frustrated. It breaks my heart to see the girls upset. I don't know what I can do to get through to him.

[summergirl1211]

That's got to be frustrating. Can you ask him to spend some time with them another night this week, when he doesn't have a specific activity planned outside of the house? I would just remind him that although he doesn't get much free time, his kids are missing him (as are you, I'm sure!). Besides asking him for time and telling him it's important to you and the girls, I'm not sure what else you can do.

I think you mentioned before that you've thought of leaving him for awhile. If you still can't get through after a few more attempts, would you be willing to take the girls and leave for awhile? Maybe having you all gone for a few weeks will be the kick in the pants he needs.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this and I hope it gets better! HUGS!

[somethingcleverer]

Do the kids not want to spend time with him either? My h works a lot and likes to go shooting when he can but he gets upset when the kids don't care if he's around. Usually I can make comments about spending more time with us or having a better attitude at those times.

I'm sorry your h is being like that. I hope he realizes that when they get over him not being around It will be too late to get that time back.


Edited for clarity

[traceyt07]

I've gone through this with my dh too. Ultimately, we made a deal that he can go out two nights a week, but when he's home he's expected to be engaged with the kids- no computer, no phone, devoted daddy time. We talk on Sunday and he tells me which nights he wants "off," & if they're not convenient for me bc of work, kids, etc, he'll adjust.

Sometimes I still think it sucks, and one in a while I resent how all the responsibilities tend to fall on me, but it works for us.

[jodielyn10]

I would be having some real talk with him about how committed he actually is to his family. Period.

[sarahandeddie]

Our biggest issue is his work schedule. His normal work day is 4pm-2am. He is scheduled 4-5 days per week. If he gets home on time (which rarely happens) he wakes up around 11am. Most weeks he works a minimum of 15hrs overtime. Lately it's been closer to 30hrs a week.

I feel like he needs to be spending time with us when he's not working or sleeping. The girls are desperate for his attention. I keep telling him he's going to regret missing out.

Even when the girls tell him they miss him he still does his own thing.

We're doing okay marriage wise. I'm pretty independent and I can handle him being gone. I don't want to take the girls and leave because they need to see him, even if it's for an hour a day.

[xanthepants]

This bums me out. His schedule is definitely tough. Maybe there is a way to convince him that at least once a week is family day - no ifs, ands or butts. And everyone makes an effort to spend at least a few hours doing some sort of family based activity together. Then at least the girls could have something real to look forward to, he could check it off his list (for lack of a better way of putting it) and in the end everyone is maintained. Not the best relationship, but at least there is time spent without resentment on his part or a fight for it on your part.
Being a dad isn't a JUST monetary commitment. He seems to forget that.

ETA that "Just" in there to make sense

[xanthepants]

Also my H works a ton of overtime - but we had a understanding that Sundays are for family as much as possible and he shouldn't pick a shift then. Of course things come up. Or we make plans with friends or family but then we shuffle around so we get a fair amount of family time together on another day.

[summergirl1211]

sarahandeddie, does he have a choice with how much overtime he takes on? Maybe you can come to an agreement that he works a maximum number of hours of overtime (whatever number the two of you can agree on) so that he's around more? I can't imagine anyone could work that much and not be burned out, so regardless it doesn't seem sustainable.

As jodielyn10 said, he needs to figure out where his priorities lie. If they're with his work and himself, then there's no room for you and your kids. And that's not fair to any of you. It also makes me sad that you don't see him much and you don't seem to miss him. How can a marriage work if you're never together?

[sarahandeddie]

Aug 18, 2015 15:46:57 GMT -5 summergirl1211 said:

sarahandeddie, does he have a choice with how much overtime he takes on? Maybe you can come to an agreement that he works a maximum number of hours of overtime (whatever number the two of you can agree on) so that he's around more? I can't imagine anyone could work that much and not be burned out, so regardless it doesn't seem sustainable.

As jodielyn10 said, he needs to figure out where his priorities lie. If they're with his work and himself, then there's no room for you and your kids. And that's not fair to any of you. It also makes me sad that you don't see him much and you don't seem to miss him. How can a marriage work if you're never together?

Most of his overtime is unplanned. If he gets a call 5 minutes before the end of his shift he has to take it. He always seems to get last minute arrests thrown at him. The prearranged overtime is somewhat voluntary but if no one volunteers, they force someone to work it. I know a lot of this is just the life of a cop but it still stinks.

I do miss him. I've just gotten used to him being gone. He was deployed the first year of our marriage so I had to learn how to function on my own. Now I spend my time trying to make up for his absence with the kids, which doesn't give me much time to worry about anything else. It is very hard on our marriage. It wasn't so bad prekids because I could be more on his schedule. I can't wait up for him and get up with the girls

I guess the fates decided he needed family time tonight because it stormed. We played board games and then went out for pizza. The pizza place has a giant climbing/tunnel system and DH played with the kids in that.

[aylafsu1881]

I agree with PP's. He needs to balance family and free time better. Everyone parent needs some free time. It is important to unwind and to regroup after a stressful week/day. However, he also needs to set aside 1-2 days/times that are for family. His girls need time with him to. I think you need to sit down and talk about how to balance that. That way everyone is happy.

[jennmm]

Aug 18, 2015 15:13:28 GMT -5 jodielyn10 said:

I would be having some real talk with him about how committed he actually is to his family. Period.

This. If he absolutely has to work, that's one thing. Otherwise, a serious talk is in order.

[Riverdong11]

With that much time away from his girls I can't believe he doesn't want to spend his free time with them. Down the line he's going to get out what he puts in, and they aren't going to want to spend time with him either.

[jodielyn10]

Aug 19, 2015 9:19:45 GMT -5 Riverdong11 said:

With that much time away from his girls I can't believe he doesn't want to spend his free time with them. Down the line he's going to get out what he puts in, and they aren't going to want to spend time with him either.

This was it for me too. It's not his schedule that bothers me - that is what it is - it's that he would rather spend his free time away from his family. 

Honestly, if you've told him the girls miss him and have said things and he still would rather spend time away from them, I don't know what will get through to him short of stepping away.

[xanthepants]

So I forgot that you mentioned before he was a cop. I do have a close cousin married to a cop and I'd say she struggles a little bit with this as well. And part of what she has talked to me about it that he has a really hard time decompressing from the job. Do you think that there is anything to that? In Cousins' case, the H would rather go do something to blow off steam and let off a bit of anger or a boys will be boys (drink or punching bag(work out) etc. He doesn't want to unleash that on his family. Which I guess cousin can appreciate in some ways but she feels lonely still. Anyway I just thought I'd throw that out there as maybe a topic of conversation to see if it could be a root of some part of what was driving him away from home right now. I know it can be a pretty typical thing with guys in that field of work.

[summergirl1211]

Aug 19, 2015 10:54:21 GMT -5 xanthepants said:

So I forgot that you mentioned before he was a cop. I do have a close cousin married to a cop and I'd say she struggles a little bit with this as well. And part of what she has talked to me about it that he has a really hard time decompressing from the job. Do you think that there is anything to that? In Cousins' case, the H would rather go do something to blow off steam and let off a bit of anger or a boys will be boys (drink or punching bag(work out) etc. He doesn't want to unleash that on his family. Which I guess cousin can appreciate in some ways but she feels lonely still. Anyway I just thought I'd throw that out there as maybe a topic of conversation to see if it could be a root of some part of what was driving him away from home right now. I know it can be a pretty typical thing with guys in that field of work.

I was thinking this too. It's got to be a hard transition sometimes to go from his line of work to home and family life. Maybe he's struggling and finds that it's easier to just stay away? 

[trixi282]

sarahandeddie, sounds like you finally had a fun family night. Maybe you could 'casually' mention how much fun it was, and that it would be great to be able to do something like that more often (maybe once a week). Play up how the girls loved spending that quality time with him and playing together. Even if they haven't talked about it much yet, mention how happy they were to play with daddy. Maybe if you just talk about it in a really nice way he might get what you mean about spending quality time with them. It doesn't need to be a lot, they just want their daddy's attention!
ETA:  not sure if it would help, but maybe talking to the girls and asking them if they had fun would help them to bring it up or ask daddy if they can do that again?  Not sure if they have the impact on him in that way...

[sarahandeddie]

Aug 19, 2015 10:54:21 GMT -5 xanthepants said:

So I forgot that you mentioned before he was a cop. I do have a close cousin married to a cop and I'd say she struggles a little bit with this as well. And part of what she has talked to me about it that he has a really hard time decompressing from the job. Do you think that there is anything to that? In Cousins' case, the H would rather go do something to blow off steam and let off a bit of anger or a boys will be boys (drink or punching bag(work out) etc. He doesn't want to unleash that on his family. Which I guess cousin can appreciate in some ways but she feels lonely still. Anyway I just thought I'd throw that out there as maybe a topic of conversation to see if it could be a root of some part of what was driving him away from home right now. I know it can be a pretty typical thing with guys in that field of work.

He has said that he needs time to decompress. I get that he has a stressful job with an unpredictable schedule. I think we just need to sit down and set a schedule up so we are on the same page. I love spending time with my girls but they need their dad too.

[sarahandeddie]

Aug 19, 2015 13:15:32 GMT -5 trixi282 said:

sarahandeddie, sounds like you finally had a fun family night. Maybe you could 'casually' mention how much fun it was, and that it would be great to be able to do something like that more often (maybe once a week). Play up how the girls loved spending that quality time with him and playing together. Even if they haven't talked about it much yet, mention how happy they were to play with daddy. Maybe if you just talk about it in a really nice way he might get what you mean about spending quality time with them. It doesn't need to be a lot, they just want their daddy's attention!
ETA:  not sure if it would help, but maybe talking to the girls and asking them if they had fun would help them to bring it up or ask daddy if they can do that again?  Not sure if they have the impact on him in that way...

[

They did have fun. I accidentally (really) left my socks at home so I couldn't go in the play area. The girls even requested he do bedtime with them. Even though he totally messed up the routing and got them all riled up I just hung back and let him do his thing with them. The girls have church on Wednesday nights and he happens to be off so I'm going to try and talk to him some more during our date time. The girls behave so much better if he's given them some attention too.