Birthmother AMA

[neam2014]

Hi everyone! I am over on the TTC/Infertility boards and wanted to offer any help I can as a Birthmother.
I got pregnant when I was 18. My bf at the time was 8 years older than me and told me “abortion or adoption, he didn’t want another kid” (he was an A$$ all around, and had 3 kids already. But I was stupid and 18) I am very pro choice and chose adoption.

I first contacted a national agency and was sent 50ish profiles. I didn’t like the way the national agency acted/treated me and then contacted a local lawyer that had an ad in the phonebook. I chose a family with her. I was around 4 months along. The mom came to my Dr’s apt for the rest of my pregnancy (they lived just over an hour away).

When I went into labor I called the family that I was headed to the hospital and they made it there shortly after my emergency C-section. They were able to stay in the room next to me with my son for three days until he and I were discharged. They took him home.

I gained 80 ish pounds during my pregnancy and never regained a normal period. When I was 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS. For the last 10 years I have had 20ish periods. For the last two years I have been TTC with my husband and recently joined TCF for support with ART treatments.

For the first two years after the adoption I got 3 or so updates each year. Then down to one a year in the summer. Two years ago when my so was 8 I wrote the family that they no longer needed to update me. They had gone on to adopt two more baby boys and had a full family. I started to feel like it was a time to “move on” a little and let everyone live their lives. When I have a child I will send them an update so my son will know that he has half siblings.

I know the adoptive family had almost adopted a baby right before my son, sometime right before or after the birth the mother backed out.

Also I know I will never adopt a child if my DH and I are unable to have a baby. If my son never contacts me I know he had a loving family and never felt he was missing anything but if he does find me I would hate for him to feel like I “gave him up” and then took a another child later. My Dh knows this as we had some big talks when faced with IF.

Any ways if there is anything I can answer I would be happy to. Truly ask my anything. It may take me some time to answer but I will as best I can. Please tag my name so I know to come to the board.

[spooko]

neam2014, I don't have any questions right now, but thanks for sharing!

[shemarie82]

I also cannot think of any questions, but I very much appreciate you sharing your story and perspective. I wish you good luck on your TTC journey!

[hootiemommytobe]

neam2014 I do not have any questions at this time, but if I do, I will certainly ask!! Thank you for sharing your story here with us!!

[drl]

Hi, thanks for posting. This is a great group, I hope you hang out here at least from time to time.

How long have you been married?

Do you have any pets?

Does your son want a sister or is he happy with brothers?

Does he have contact with his BF? Or information about him?

How are IF treatments going?

[jwinct]

neam2014 - I am doing foster-to-adopt, so I can't think of any question for you, but thank you for sharing your story and being open to our questions!

Good luck with TTC!

[lizblue]

Hi neam2014, welcome to the board! We have a few birthmoms who post here and I think it's really great to have all sides of the triad represented.


As for my question - feel free to answer this in any way you like (or not at all). Do you have any thoughts about open adoption and if that had been presented as an option, do you think it's something you would have been interested in?

Nice to meet you!

[neam2014]

Thank you all for the welcome!

Aug 20, 2015 8:07:19 GMT -5 drl said:

Hi, thanks for posting. This is a great group, I hope you hang out here at least from time to time.

How long have you been married?
This new year's eve will be our 2 yr anniversary We eloped New Year's Eve and had a wedding in Sep of the next year. We've been together 4 years 

Do you have any pets?
An amazing Aussie named Fern, and a jerk cat Tiki . We just moved from FL to AK (DH is military) and had to leave my cat with my mom.

Does your son want a sister or is he happy with brothers?
I haven't talked with my son. He knows he is adopted but all my letters were put into a box for when he ask for them. We (all the adults) talked about it and I didn't want my son to have to deal with being faced with "another mother". But when/if he ever ask there will be all my letters and pictures for him to have. The letters from mom & dad said that he is loving playing with brothers. 

Does he have contact with his BF? Or information about him?
I stayed with the BF for almost 3 years. I got KU with in a few months of dating. BF was adopted himself and so had his own feelings about it all, mainly "He's gone/never existed/ not my problem".  My letters to the family for the first few years was about "us" (BM and BF) my going to college, our jobs ect ect along with our back grounds. After I left BF I have no doubt he will never contact the family or update them. 
BF had a child at 18 (that his parents were raising) a child at 20 who was placed for adoption, and twins at 23 (who lived w their mom states away). He was 25 when we met. The only time he opened up about being adopted he was upset that his mother had two other sons and gave him up as the third. It really upset him that he was "given away but kept the others". I haven't put in letters to my son that his father had so many kids because I dont want him to feel the same way.  

How are IF treatments going?
Ugh I get to start Clomid hopefully next cycle.

[neam2014]

Aug 20, 2015 9:47:12 GMT -5 lizblue said:

Hi neam2014, welcome to the board! We have a few birthmoms who post here and I think it's really great to have all sides of the triad represented.


As for my question - feel free to answer this in any way you like (or not at all). Do you have any thoughts about open adoption and if that had been presented as an option, do you think it's something you would have been interested in?
My first thought reading this was "I had an open adoption!" LOL I know there are many many "levels" of adoption I guess. I just felt like mine was "open". One of the things I loved about going with the local attorney was that the Mom was able to come to all my Dr's apt's and I got to know them so well. With a national agency I would only met the family once at birth (maybe). Even though everything went through the attorney I still got updates when ever I asked ect.
I did have another big open option:
I worked at Dillard's while I was pregnant. When  I was showing I did let it out I had chosen adoption, I didn't want to deal with my co-workers talking about my "plans", it was bad enough dealing with customers asking "is it a boy or girl/is this your first/have you picked a name" and just dealing with it. (I went home crying lots of days from work). Anyways
There was a woman I was very close with who was 45 (ish) she came up to me and basically wanted my child.
She and her husband were "too old" for agency's and her husband was battling cancer again. She offered that I would be "auntie" and part of my son's life that he would know he was adopted (I'm not sure when he would be told I was mom). Well it may sound bad but this couple didn't have a car, she worked full time at Dillard's, the husband was very sick, and I wanted better for my son.
I'm sure it over all sounds like what would be "best" or an really open adoption is. But I dont think so for anyone involved.
For my son, I think it would be confusing, upsetting and disruptive. Who knows how a child would deal with not only knowing they were adopted, but seeing their BM regularly and not understanding "why". I think it's better for my son to know "your adopted, you mommy couldn't take care of you so they picked us to be your parents!" (or anyother age apporate way to say it) 
For the adoptive parents I think it would be disruptive and may undermine bonding or authority. It would also make life difficult trying to make sure BF is "happy" and cause stress worrying about it their child and how they were dealing with seeing BM, and there own feelings of just wanting to be a family and "normal" (I guess).
For the BM I feel like it would keep opening wounds I know I cried at every letter I got. I don't think you could "move on". For me I was always thinking about the next letter, if it was late I waiting not wanting to bug the attorney and then the family for an update. But when it would come I got upset, and it ruined my day as a big shock and bring up all my choices and questioning myself (my son looks JUST like his BF who was very abusive).  I finally told them (8 years after birth) that I wouldn't be sending or expecting any more updates. I feel like not only have I grown but it has made it able for me to "move on", and heal. I know my son is happy, and I hope the parents are happier not having to worry about contacting me all the time. I guess I feel like it would be this way for any more open adoption.

Of course this is all my thoughts on it all      

[lizblue]

neam2014, thanks for your response. I appreciate your point of view and your experience. Open adoption, as it used in adoption nomenclature today, refers to birth parents and adoptive parents exchanging pictures and letters on a regular basis, usually with at least one visit per year. It ranges, of course, from semi-open (first names exchanged only, only letters and pictures) all the way to very open, with regular visitation with birth parents and their families. And in all cases is based on the foundation that a child know who his/her birthparents are. That's what I meant by the term, and I apologize for not making that clear.

What that 45-year old woman at Dillards was proposing sounds to me like a private (albeit open) adoption (an adoption match and placement made between two parties on their own, without the facilitation of an agency). I can understand you being uncomfortable with that situation - I would be uncomfortable with a couple who was not approved by a state agency asking to adopt my baby.

It's interesting to hear your thoughts on open adoption, compared with other birth moms and adoptive parents who view it very positively. I am waiting to be matched for a domestic open adoption. Ideally, my son or daughter will have a relationship with his birth parents, if all parties are willing and in a healthy place to do so. My child will have two mothers and while it may be hard to navigate at times, the prevailing view by some is that it is worth it and "healthiest" for children and birth moms. I don't say this to challenge your thoughts at all- I hope that's clear! It's all just interesting to me that we don't really know the "right" way. In some ways we are all taking a leap of faith in doing what we think is best, and it sounds like your adoption was the right circumstance for you and your son. I know there are birth moms who work with my agency who do not prefer any openness, and I would imagine they feel some of the same.

Thank you again for sharing. I appreciate it.

One more question, if you're up for it. Is there we, as adoptive parents, can be doing (more or better) to make life easier for birth moms?

[neam2014]

Aug 20, 2015 13:53:29 GMT -5 lizblue said:

One more question, if you're up for it. Is there we, as adoptive parents, can be doing (more or better) to make life easier for birth moms?

I would say this depends on the relationship with the BM! I guess I'll share what I liked about the parents I picked did and what I maybe wished they would have done.

1) I picked my family based on one picture. The wife was in a sharks mouth at some tourist place and the husband was pulling her out. They looked truly happy and like they were having fun. 99% of all pics I saw were of formal (or casual) professional pics that were posed or even home pics that were posed. This picture showed that they could have fun and not take themselves so seriously. (I didn't even see a "profile" or "book" for them, a BM just backed out and the attorney didn't have their full profile just 5 pics. After looking at 6 books the attorney pulled out these pics and I loved it)

2) The mom came to all my Dr apt's. I had no one else to go with me. (I don't think she knew that). My mom was upset about the adoption. the BF was an A$$ and I did't have any friends who would under stand. I haven't even realized it till just now typing how much it helped me. I knew I loved it, but my family and friends just pretend i wasn't pregnant and this wasn't happening. Having the adoptive parents being involved in the pregnancy was what I needed.

I would say be as involved as you can/feels comfortable. the BM is isolated. Even if her family approves of the adoption they may not talk about it. If your not close by to met up or go to apt's I would say call often.

3) The BM would tell me each apt about what they were doing both in their life and getting ready for my child. Stuff like decorating the nursery, the Grand father was building a wood crib and rocker, walking the dogs with a stroller to get them use to it.
It made me feel like 1) my child was going to a loving family. 2) they were really excited about having my child. 3) I was part of their life . 4) they could provide so much more then me (idk if that is good or bad). Over all I felt better knowing SOMEONE was planning and excited for my pregnancy.


I wish they would have:

1) maybe bought me some new pregnancy clothing. Everything I got was used from goodwill. (I love goodwill and thrift shopping but nothing ever fit right and there wasn't much for maternity clothing there and I didn't have a choice or could pass it up, like you can with normal thrift shopping) I'm not one for fashion but it would have been nice to been given a gift.  ( the adoptive parents were paying my bills for a few months setting me up in a rental. My mom kicked me out when I told her I was placing my child for adoption. So while they did give me MUCH I know)
A little "gift" would have been sweet, new clothing, bath stuff, idk. I know they kept asking if there was anything I needed, but I didn't want to ask. They were already helping me financially (my rent and electric were paid by the attorney) so I didn't want to ask for anything but I would have been very grateful for a simple gift and it would have just felt nice I think.

2) on the same note. Flowers after birth. Everyone in a maternity ward is getting flowers and balloons ect ect and a BM is there all alone (my BF was there, my mom came and my dad, and the adoptive parents were in the next room) But the room feels so lonely and empty with my son in their room, I cant move (had a c-section) and everyone else in the ward is SO happy. My aunt and uncle (who i didn't see at all during the pregnancy) did send some flowers to my home later saying "get well". But it would have been really nice in the hospital. 

I'm keeping "questions" apart so it's easier for other read through later

I feel like I have the most close of the open adoptions. LOL. I'm not saying a totally open adoption is bad, just not for me. I fully agree there is no "right" way. Give your dealing with four different parents and a child its a lot to deal with. I'm really glad your doing the open adoption and so open to it. As a BM part of my feelings was "who's kid is this" and that legally I'm giving my child to you so how do I make sure my "claims" on my son's time and life are upheld? I'm very shy and introverted and didn't/don't want to feel like I'm imposing on anyone. (and thinking if I'm giving up my child who am I to make demands?). I can see how some BM would was fully totally open and some want totally fully close. I just know my choices and why I think it was best for my adoption group (I take no offense!)

I will say the updates after a few days were the highlight of my life. I LOVED seeing how happy my son was. Playing with their dogs, his mom and dad (and how happy they were) and later with his siblings.

[drl]

Funny how your latest response really resonated with me. Our daughter birthmom chose us because we had a picture of DH with a silly hat on his head. She said it spoke to her that we liked to be silly and have fun. We were matched after DD was born, and it was a last-minute thing, so we only had time to get flowers for her birthmom (and her mom, who was there with her). No one else knew she was in the hospital having just had a baby. FWIW, it was a tough call as to what to give as gifts, as we were cautioned not to make the adoption look coercive in any way.

You are so right that open adoption means so many different things, and I appreciate a birthmom giving her POV. While we have regular updates and visits with DD's birth family, it is much less than many adoptions are assumed to be, and we follow her birthmom's wishes as to how much information we know/share. It has opened up a bit over time, as we've become more comfortable with each other. I was on another message board where a prospective adoptive mom assumed all open adoptions meant all family members spent all their holidays together and co-parented!

[neam2014]

I cant say enough how much I loved that silly pic (They did meet all the other things I was looking for). I honestly looked at 40-50 profiles/books and NO ONE looked like they were anything other then a "stepford" family. At 18 all I could think about was "what if my kid doesn't want to go to college/wants to be an artiest/is a terror will this family accept him?" This was the ONLY picture I saw of a real honest couple enjoying life, and that really mattered to me as a BM.

With gifts its a "don't be coercive/I dont want to feel like I'm selling my kid" line. I guess what I meant was yes, I needed things at the time, and they asked if I needed anything but I was too proud to tell them that I did. So maybe assume something simple they may need, especially if its xmas/BM b-day.Would be nice.

[chicago]

Thanks for sharing ...

[theatrepal]

Welcome!! Please hang around. It's great to have all members of the triad here. I'm stealing this from a current thread, how should the adoptive parents handle a conversation about naming the child? Did you have input into your son's name? Did they change his name when the adoption was finalized?

[neam2014]

Aug 21, 2015 9:07:41 GMT -5 theatrepal said:

Welcome!! Please hang around. It's great to have all members of the triad here. I'm stealing this from a current thread, how should the adoptive parents handle a conversation about naming the child? Did you have input into your son's name? Did they change his name when the adoption was finalized?

At the very first meeting I asked them if they had any names picked. I forget the girl one but the boy name they had was "Eric Troy", Troy is the adoptive father's name. I planned the whole time to "name" him that also. But at around 6 months the BF and i talked about it and he thought I should pick my own name to use and let them change it with everything was finalized. I ended up naming my son "Adrien Eric". It was changed when everything was finalized to "Eric Troy"
The letters I sent I called him Eric but in my heart he's Adrien.
I guess I just assumed they would name the child what they wanted, that's why I asked at the first meeting. I think the first agency told me when I asked "how dose all this work" that the adoptive parents would have a name in mind and either way at the legal adoption they change the name" (but as I said before the first agency sucked)

I would say if the BM doesn't bring it up and you want their input just to ask "We really like the name XXX, what do you think?" But they may have been told that you'll just pick a name anyways.

[persianmaman]

I cannot think of any questions, but thanks for the openness!

[nobb14]

Thanks for the openness! Despite deciding that adoption was the best route for your situation, did you ever second guess your decision? Did you keep the adoptive parents in the loop with any potential worries you had?

[neam2014]

Aug 26, 2015 17:44:33 GMT -5 nobb14 said:

Thanks for the openness!

Despite deciding that adoption was the best route for your situation, did you ever second guess your decision?
Oh my all the time! For the first 3 years maybe I regularly second guessed myself that I should have kept my son. After I finally left the BF and went to college  ect ect I came to terms that my life is where it is because of giving up my son, his life will be/is far better because I did that for him. At this point (and for the last 5 years or so) and no longer second guess myself at all (life is too short for regrets and all that).
One of the things the family did to help me was sending happy family pictures and later when they adopted two more sons seeing my son having siblings and being so happy. Seeing him loved, happy in his family helped me a lot. at first all the pictures I was sent were just of him (and I loved it) but around a year I was getting some that were him playing with his dad or mom and I told them how much I loved to see that. Then they started sending more of those, playing in the park or pool or with the dogs or grandparents, seeing him like that helped me heal a lot.

Durring it all I did second guess things at different times. With the first agency they sent 35 or so profiles, I picked a family and asked to talk with them and was told they were already picked... and that went on for each of the next 5 family's I picked. Finally I asked for more/new profiles and was told I HAD to pick a family from the group they already sent. Well none of those families weren't for me. So I was second guessing adoption. I knew and said if I didn't "find the right family" I would keep him.

When I would come home from Dillard's all up set from customers questions I second guessed why I didn't get an abortion.

I had NO second guessing when I found the family. It was like later when I met my husband I just KNEW they were the ones for me. (Down to all the little things, the father was a college drop out. I wanted at least one of the parents to not have a college degree, silly as that is) They weren't perfect people and I wasn't looking for perfect people, but they were the perfect parents for my son.  Once I met them and the mother stated coming to my Dr appts I just told myself that this was "their child" that I was just carrying. I pretended I was just a surrogate. Later (around month 7) if anyone in public asked about my pregnancy I just told them I was a surrogate. It made it so much easier on myself. 


 Did you keep the adoptive parents in the loop with any potential worries you had?
Nope. I know that within a week of me picking them from my first attorney meeting with the new agency that the parents had had a BM back out around the birth (idk if it was before or after the birth) and I never talked to the parents about it (the attorney told me about the back out at the first meeting to explain why she didn't have their profile only a few pics, they were just "put back in the pool") .

Anyways I could tell the mother was leery each dr appt. I totally sympathized and didn't want to add any to their worries. But as you can tell from how I've acted in my adoption don't want to worry people or feel like I'm imposing in any way. I never had worries about picking them or that, but my mom didn't want me to give up my son, the BF was abusive, I was dealing with stupid people where I worked.  I just didn't feel like adding to anything they were stressing about with my stuff.
I know at first I brought up the work issues I had with all the questions from people but I felt like that worried her (I though that she thought I would back out or rethink it all because of so many people asking "have I picked a name/is it your fist/boy or girl") So I never brought it up again.

5 years after birth I was applying for a scholarship and the mother wrote me a recommendation about me giving my son to them. Funnily she wrote about how "strong" I was, how at each dr appt she could see how much pain I was in dealing with the adoption against my family's wishes and being a pregnant teen working with the public. I never realized she was so in tune to that. But I was 18 and very "teenagerish" and thought I could hide anything from anyone. lol.

[carolinah]

Just wanted to say Hi from one birthmom to another!