another AW: the name game

[nobb14]

You guys are so awesome for your kindness in my match thread, but now I need some help since this is obviously very new to all of this. The following is a partial XP from the baby name board but I also need insight for the delicacy of Birthmother/adoptive mother relationship:

MH and I have picked the name we want for our son before we were matched, which is a family name and has historical significance. we had our call with our EM and everything went better than ever expected, and we are moving forward with the adoption. She is awesome! However, she threw us a curveball when she mentioned it was important to her to name the baby after her father, who is currently very sick and doesn't know she's pregnant.

MH and I were going to clear our name choice with her so she is involved, but I don't know if I'm willing to include the name she's chosen for the baby. It's not a bad name, but I just feel that maintaining the level of openness we have agreed to (exchanging numbers before meeting; meeting before birth; being there for delivery; updates and visits post birth) could serve as a kind of compromise to let us have our own name for our boy. Is that an inappropriate perspective? MH mentioned that she could put her name on the first birth certificate and we could put ours on the second, but I feel like that would be a betrayal of her trust, which is absolutely a nonstarter.

MH and I aren't totally opposed to giving the baby two middle names (our choice followed by hers) but I don't know if that's... Too much. What do you think? She doesn't know our name choice yet.

[hootiemommytobe]

My DH and I have thought about this too. We already picked out names for whether we're matched with a boy or a girl. We know and understand that sometimes the EM wants to name the child and that compromises can be made from there. I agree with you that I would not let her put a name on the first BC and then you change it on yours. I think it's important to keep to the agreement you made. I would certainly sit down and discuss this with her once you and your DH get on the same page.

I was never a fan of 2 middle names, BUT, since going through this process and learning so much, I can understand now why you would want to do something like that. My DH and I decided that it would be something we would do. You still get the name you wanted and they get a name they wanted, so it's really a win win. Plus, you're giving him YOUR family name, and the EM is also giving him HER family name, which I think is so cool. Using the EM family name is kind of a cool segway of you explaining his birth family to him.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does.

[drl]

I think it's great you're being sensitive to everything that's going on.

First things first, I would talk to her about the name you've chosen, and why. In the spirit of openness, it seems strange that she told you her thoughts but you didn't tell her yours.

I understand the significance of her wanting her dad's name in the baby's name, and I think a double MN is a great way to honor both of your wishes. IMO it's an important link to his birth family while honoring his adoptive family as well.

This takes me back to when DD was born. Her birthmom named her, but only to have something on the birth certificate. We were so scared to tell her our name choice, but she loved it and was totally cool with it. Those conversations are always nervewracking!

[nobb14]

Aug 21, 2015 9:14:44 GMT -5 drl said:

I think it's great you're being sensitive to everything that's going on.

First things first, I would talk to her about the name you've chosen, and why. In the spirit of openness, it seems strange that she told you her thoughts but you didn't tell her yours.

I understand the significance of her wanting her dad's name in the baby's name, and I think a double MN is a great way to honor both of your wishes. IMO it's an important link to his birth family while honoring his adoptive family as well.

This takes me back to when DD was born. Her birthmom named her, but only to have something on the birth certificate. We were so scared to tell her our name choice, but she loved it and was totally cool with it. Those conversations are always nervewracking!

Exactly! We didn't bring up our name choice because we didn't want her to feel like we were bypassing her feelings, and were scared about her response since it was the first time we were speaking- especially because the conversation was moving so quickly. We have every intention of discussing our chosen name with her for sure! She is very level headed, but because the name is important to all of us, I want to make sure we give the conversation an appropriate amount of time.

[nobb14]

Aug 21, 2015 8:02:29 GMT -5 hootiemommytobe said:

My DH and I have thought about this too. We already picked out names for whether we're matched with a boy or a girl. We know and understand that sometimes the EM wants to name the child and that compromises can be made from there. I agree with you that I would not let her put a name on the first BC and then you change it on yours. I think it's important to keep to the agreement you made. I would certainly sit down and discuss this with her once you and your DH get on the same page.

I was never a fan of 2 middle names, BUT, since going through this process and learning so much, I can understand now why you would want to do something like that. My DH and I decided that it would be something we would do. You still get the name you wanted and they get a name they wanted, so it's really a win win. Plus, you're giving him YOUR family name, and the EM is also giving him HER family name, which I think is so cool. Using the EM family name is kind of a cool segway of you explaining his birth family to him.

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does.

You bring up a great point, that the name is a good way to tie his birth family story together with him as he grows up. I never thought of it that way and it's changing my perspective on this quite a bit, in a good way!

[pinkie]

We knew that our little guy's BM really loves 3 names. All very nice, traditional names. One just didn't work with our last name so we told her we would use one of the other 2 as a MN. She was happy and we are happy because we would have just picked a name we liked so we are happy to have it have meaning.

Our older son's BM just wanted to hear or suggestions but wanted us to choose.

[shemarie82]

My nephew has 3 middle names, which I find ridiculous, but that is neither hear nor there. We have had discussions on this, though it is a little different as we will likely only get children that already have been named.

With the twins, we have talked about changing their names if we get to the point of adoption. They will be at least 2.5 at that time, and we will keep their given name and may use a different middle name. We want to allow them to hold their name that was given to them by their birth parents.

As PPs said, I think that you should be honest with her, and don't change the birth certificate, depending on the openness of the adoption, you certainly don't want to start it out with deception just to get what you want.

[spooko]

I don't think you should change the BC in a sneaky way, but maybe she would be open to that option if you presented it. Like she could do the name, you'd get an official certificate for your LO to have someday, and then you'd change the name as part of the adoption going forward. We have a BC for DS before the adoption was finalized because in our state, they overwrite them and it would have disappeared and I wanted DS to have every part of his history that was possible. If that isn't a sufficient compromise, I'd do the 2 middle names. I'm not typically a fan because I'm lazy and it's a bit more of a paperwork hassle in regular life stuff, but unless it's a terrible name, I do think it's important to share that part of his story with him.

[neam2014]

Aug 21, 2015 7:28:57 GMT -5 nobb14 said:

You guys are so awesome for your kindness in my match thread, but now I need some help since this is obviously very new to all of this. The following is a partial XP from the baby name board but I also need insight for the delicacy of Birthmother/adoptive mother relationship:

MH and I have picked the name we want for our son before we were matched, which is a family name and has historical significance. we had our call with our EM and everything went better than ever expected, and we are moving forward with the adoption. She is awesome! However, she threw us a curveball when she mentioned it was important to her to name the baby after her father, who is currently very sick and doesn't know she's pregnant.

MH and I were going to clear our name choice with her so she is involved, but I don't know if I'm willing to include the name she's chosen for the baby. It's not a bad name, but I just feel that maintaining the level of openness we have agreed to (exchanging numbers before meeting; meeting before birth; being there for delivery; updates and visits post birth) could serve as a kind of compromise to let us have our own name for our boy. Is that an inappropriate perspective? MH mentioned that she could put her name on the first birth certificate and we could put ours on the second, but I feel like that would be a betrayal of her trust, which is absolutely a nonstarter.

MH and I aren't totally opposed to giving the baby two middle names (our choice followed by hers) but I don't know if that's... Too much. What do you think? She doesn't know our name choice yet.

*Birthmother here*

Hi I'm doing the Birthmother AMA and just answered about how our naming went, but thought I would post here also.
First I would like to say it's not an inappropriate perspective to want to name your boy who you will be parents to. I know I felt that being I was giving up my child because I couldn't/wasn't ready to be a parent I gave up rights like naming him. But I just assumed from the beginning that the adoptive parents would have a name in mind.

For your issue personally I would say bring up next time you to talk or met that you had a name that meant a lot to you and would be willing to use her father's name as a middle (I wouldn't bring up that it's a second middle, a middle is a middle and you don't want to make her feel like its being pushed so far back) and say if it means a lot to her she should use it as a first on the BC  (In my state the BC was written over and now only list the names of the adoptive family gave) and that when everything is finalized it will be moved to a middle. The BC and final BC don't have to match but her having one with the name first may be enough for her, it was for me.

if you feel comfortable you may want to bring up that she may one day want to use her father's name for her own son. She may not have thought of this. When I picked my own name for my son I made sure to stay away from family names because I knew I may want to use them one day, and I thought it would be odd to use the same name for a child I placed for adoption and one I "kept". She may be stuck in the "this is a way for my child to stay connected to me/my family" that she hadn't thought of this. 

[pinkie]

You know I went back and re-read your original post. I skimmed the first time and just commented on how we chose names.

I don't think maintaining the agreed upon openness is a compromise to then choose your name. I think agreeing to openness is its own distinct component of a match. Like for example, when you sin on with an agency you say we are open to a baby with some drug exposure, of x,y ethnicity and are willing to do any level of openness, or only semi open.

The name to me is totally separate. I would discuss this with the EM and explain that you really would like to use name x and how does she feel about that. Would you be ok suggesting the name she likes as a MN? Would she be ok with that? Or as a second MN? This is tricky because I'm not sure what we would do. We did want to name our sons but also wanted to be sensitive. We came to a place where everyone was happy and hope you can do the same

[funinthenorth]

I originally posted this in the other thread but I'm moving it here instead.

I have a suggestion that hasn't been mentioned yet.

Our oldest son is adopted.

For many reasons his adoption is closed but we do know some details from his life before he joined our family. We know his Birth Mothers name and of course what his name was. My husband and I really thought about how to honour her and him, in his name. His name and his Birth Moms name both started with the same letter so we decided that his middle name would be that initial, in the word form.  Like your would be "J" turned into Jay.

This could work well for you too. Ambrose Jay LN sounds lovely, is full of meaning for everyone.

[nobb14]

I guess the "compromise" I mention is because we plan on being very open, and I'll explain what I mean by that. I am so sorry for seeming insensitive and I do not mean to have used that word casually. When we talk about openness we aren't just talking pictures and emails, but visits, too. MH has family where she is from down to the city, so this is not a situation where we agree to an unattainable level of openness or I think an email on a birthday gives me the OK to choose our own name.

I guess I associate her wanting to name the child as a signature of her legacy, and I absolutely understand that- to an extent. My idea of compromise is more along the lines of her otherwise wanting a closed adoption (not the situation but the alternative): something like "hey. I want this name included, because I won't be a part of the bigger picture. Please oblige." But in her case, she will be part of the picture. I understand that sometimes relationships between adoptive and birth parents can change over time, but we are not the kind of couple to consider an adoptive child the answer to our "problem" and expect the BM to phase out or something. I don't mind using the name, but I just love the name we've picked for our first name so much... I know it's lame and shouldn't matter, but i dunno. I just needed some input.

[browneyes8]

You've gotten good advice, I am just going to share our experiences...

For our first adoption our son's birth mother asked what we wanted to name the child- we shared our chosen name, she loved it and that went on the birth certificate- including our last name, so it was really easy!

For our second adoption we didn't/don't have direct contact with our son's birth mother- from what we knew we were under the impression she was not going to name the baby; he did not have a name when we met him so we started calling him and sharing our chosen name. Later we found out that she named the baby so that name went on the birth certificate. We were torn and went back and forth about what to do considering adding a second name either to his first or middle name.

We felt like second middle names aren't really used and we wanted him to be able to have a name from his first family and from us so his first name became his middle name and we dropped our chosen middle name. The middle name is very unusual and not something we would have chosen, but we like that it ties his families and names together.

I think it's tough when you really love a name and have been wanting to use it though so that's when I would consider using two middle names or finding a way to use what expectant mom has chosen too! GL!

[pinkie]

Nobb - I hope you weren't offended by my post. Trust me we really wanted to name our boys too so I get it. We were fortunate that we were able to easily compromise for both adoptions with both BMs being very happy.

i really hope you can work something out. I also think another option that was mentioned is for the EM to name him knowing that you would change it. But she could give him his first name on the first birth certificate and maybe you could integrate it as a MN.

[nobb14]

Aug 24, 2015 13:10:43 GMT -5 pinkie said:

Nobb - I hope you weren't offended by my post. Trust me we really wanted to name our boys too so I get it. We were fortunate that we were able to easily compromise for both adoptions with both BMs being very happy.

i really hope you can work something out. I also think another option that was mentioned is for the EM to name him knowing that you would change it. But she could give him his first name on the first birth certificate and maybe you could integrate it as a MN.

Not offended at all- I was definitely welcoming all sorts of feedback to give myself a reality check!