Deciding to move on?

[leloyd]

I think it varies for each person and each pregnancy. After my first loss we waited two months until we were married to try. By that time my desire for us to have a child was so strong, and I believed in the odds. I was told 2 in a row was super unlikely. **Insert slightly bitter laugh here** The second and third losses were hard, but they happened so quickly after the HPT that it seemed more like the universe was taunting me. It only served to get me riled up and make me want a child more.

The fourth was the hardest. I really thought that was going to be our rainbow. About a month after the loss I was bitter and wishing I could try again. Another month to two later and I realized I wasn't actually ready and that the forced bench was giving me an opportunity to fully work through my grief. I know I am definitely ready now emotionally, although still benched. I am not afraid of going through another miscarriage, although if I were to become pregnant that would probably change and I likely would be afraid of anything bad happening to my child. My fear right now is the fear that it might not happen for me. I know how badly I want to be a mother, so I know once that damn bench burns I am going for it again.

I think you just need to know that the fear may always be there. When you are ready to try again, you will know. And it won't be you not honoring your lost child. You will never forget your loss, you will just reach a point where you know you have to try again.

[raelynn71109]

mistabinx I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a lot of anxiety about TTC again after my 2nd loss in May (MMC at 12w6d, baby measured 11w4d). At first I was told I just had to wait one cycle and thought I would be ready to try again then. But I ended up having retained tissue and was benched for 3 months. Even after I was given the green light we still TTA for several more months. I just wasn't ready. I struggled with some depression after that loss and knew I just couldn't handle the anxiety that would come with being pregnant again. Then, one day it just hit me that I really, really wanted to try again. I was finally strong enough to handle the anxiety that I knew would come with being PgAL and my excitement outweighed my fears.

Unfortunately I had another loss just recently. Part of me kicks myself for waiting so long and "wasting" time after the second loss. But if this third loss had happened a few months ago, before I was truly ready to move on, I really think it would have broken me. I would not have been able to handle it at that time.

I know it's a scary decision to make. Just know that there is no right or wrong here. ((Hugs))

[octoberstars]

Jan 15, 2015 21:20:39 GMT -5 mistabinx said:

Jan 15, 2015 20:50:39 GMT -5 littlecabbage1019 said:

mistabinx please dont hesitate to join us in the ttcal aka conceiving after loss board. You dont have to be actively trying to be a member and we are a very active board

Thanks before the implosion on the other side, I lurked a little on TTCAL but never posted. I'm trying to figure out what is "home" to me now. For the time being, I'm still hanging around TTGP and may eventually spend time in both spots.

I'm trying to figure out where I belong too. After my recent second loss I have been going between wanting the support of a community to talk about it, and wanting to forget about the mc for a while and appreciate the things that are going well for me. I'm starting to think bouncing between ttc and ttcal is the right balance.

[Ann612]

I agree with others that it is different for everyone. I had my D&E yesterday and would honestly start TTC today if I could. We're only waiting because we medically have to. But that's just me - incredibly impatient, and since I often feel like just TRYING is the only way I can have some amount of control over this whole damn process.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Nobody ever forgets it. I have found the grief gets better over time, but we all grieve/heal our own way and at our own pace. Do what you feel is right for you.

[kellybenelly83]

Hey Mistabinx
I know the first few weeks after my loss I was so heartbroken I couldn't imagine trying again, though I knew we would. We agreed in the hospital that this would not stop us, we want our family and we want to try and make that happen, and we can overcome this horrible instance to get it.
I was benched for a while, which gave me time to heal emotionally. Though I would have wanted to try right away, I know emotionally I wasn't ready. The timing is different for everyone, you have to give yourself the time to heal , and when the hope overcomes the fear that's when you are ready.
I started ttc again this month and I knew it was the right decision because I found myself really excited for it. I am still nervous about the potential for another ectopic, and any other possible complications, but I know also that while it will knock us down, it will not break us completely.
If you decide to join TTCAL, there are weekly check ins for Months. July sparklers is the place for you, there is one person who runs it and they check in every week, following up on appointments and emotions. It was a huge help to me in the beginning, my girl who ran it was so thoughtful in her questions, and it helped to have girls at the same stage as I was.
I hope you find your way there, and if you need people to talk to, TCCAL is an amazing support group. Take your time healing, until then, (hugs)

[tessymessy]

mistabinx ((hugs)) ttcal is such a scary decision. I think you should take your time healing and don't pressure yourself. There's so many emotions that come with a loss and I believe it is important to feel them all.
I was given the green light after 2 cycles with my previous loss. It wasn't enough time for me.. we wound up waiting about 6 months to even have that serious discussion.
I don't know about this time. This has been way harder for me than before.
Everyone is different and you will find your way to your decision . Thankfully we have places like here to come for support.

[fourthtimesacharm]

I'm am so sorry for all your losses. My first a blighted ovum @ 12 weeks with a d&c 2 weeks later because my body didn't get the memo. My second was 10w&4d, happened almost a year ago. LO had stopped growing. DH really wanted to try again, so after our vacation we didn't prevent and in June we found out we were expecting, then another m/c @ 5 weeks. I went through a work up at the dr and everything was "normal" so they suggested trying progesterone. In July, exactly 1 month after the m/c, we found out we were pregnant again at only 10 dpo. It is the only time we didn't wait the recommended amount of cycles and I was terrified, but this little rainbow is sticking around. I'm 29 weeks now. I still cry for my losses on due dates and anniversaries. I am so happy and blessed to be pregnant, but still mourning the losses. I know everyone is different, but that's just how I feel.

[adorebel]

I'm so sorry for everyone's heartbreaking stories here. It's been exactly 5 weeks since our loss, and every day does get a little easier. I think people just don't know what else to say when they start talking to you about the "next baby." There's a difference between knowing you want a family and thinking about how scary and triggering it will be to feel pregnant again knowing the pain of the loss you've already endured. To give you an idea of how common your fears are, right now, I'd say the things I'm most scared of are:

1) I'll never get my period again and my uterus is ruined (unlikely, but seriously, AF, I've never wanted you so bad).
2) I'll never get pregnant again, or it will take a really long time.
3) Experiencing another loss or many more losses before our rainbow, and/or having a baby with another fatal genetic issue.
4) Not being able to take as much joy in the next pregnancy because of all the emotions it will bring back from our first baby.

[adorebel]

Jan 22, 2015 15:37:57 GMT -5 @moonandback141 said:

Hey everyone.

I hate that we all find ourselves here.

I believe this will be my 100th post on our new site so I thought I would try to make it a meaningful one.

My very first BFP resulted in a loss at 5w6d on December 14th and it's been rough. The holidays were the shittiest on record, so many pregnancy announcements/births in my circle have taken place and I just feel like I'm standing here with this big sad secret.

I think about the two lines I saw on that test on Thanksgiving Day and just keep thinking how freaking happy and excited I was and now it is ripped away from me and I'm not just "back at the beginning" but now I have this "loss" mentality and heavy sadness to carry going forward.

I don't want to preach any advice because I am in no way healed, but my "coping" tactics have been as follows:

1. I keep reading about the statistics of take home babies after miscarriages and they are promising even in the case of recurrent miscarriage.
2. I keep thinking that my baby was and always will be real and even though it can never be in this world, it is in some world and it is okay.
3. I use the unfollow feature on Facebook. A lot.
4. I have asked my OB to test my thyroid (TSH) and progesterone levels this cycle. These tests are decently cheap and easy and if something in me needs to be treated, I want to know about it. However, I do keep in mind that in most cases, miscarriages are a result of chromosomal abnormalities and there is nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to prevent it.
5. I trusted my body that it knew what it was doing. It suffered this tragedy with you and it does it's own form of healing. Don't be frustrated with it---believe that it will get back to normal. I thought my period would NEVER return. It did.
6. This is a personal decision for everyone and of course you need to take into account your doctor's orders about when you can TTC again, but for me, I chose to try ASAP (my doc said once my period returned I had the green light.) it helps me to feel like I am doing something to go forward with this process. Getting back to my temps and charts and OPKs has really allowed me to be focused on the future instead of constantly dwelling in the past.
7. Call your mom. For me it's my mom but for you in might be someone else---a sister, a friend, your DH---but whenever you are struggling, talk to someone and allow them to talk you off the ledge.
8. Don't live in fear of the future---of how long it's going to take, if a miscarriage will happen again or if there will be something horribly wrong with your baby. Just live your life. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. There is a much better chance of good things happening so if you must dwell, dwell on that.
9. My ninth and final piece of advice is closely tied to the above but specific to your next pregnancy---choose joy. It is so true that those of us who have experienced loss feel like we've had the blissful side of pregnancy stolen away from us. "Oh we can't be happy..what if something bad happens?" We CAN be happy, day by day, with our next pregnancies. We no doubt will be scared but if we let that consume us, we steal away the joy of that day. With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for 18 days and in those 18 days I seriously worried about the prospect of miscarriage all the time. When I felt a pain in my side, when my boobs stopped hurting, and when I started spotting. And then it happened--I miscarried, and all of that worry about miscarriage was for nothing. I apologized to my baby for not feeling joyful for the 18 days we knew each other.

This was most definitely the longest post ever, but I hope it helps anyone reading. ((Hugs))


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I'll know I'm ready again when I can choose joy. I was elated for the 100+ days I was pregnant. Occasionally, I had fears of miscarriage, but I never thought to fear what actually happened - the birth defect, the genetic tests, the threat to my health, the "choice" we had to make. Those are the things that will make it hard next time, because I almost feel foolish for how joyful I was for the first 13 of the 16 weeks, before we knew what was happening. I think of my baby every day.

[chiapet]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences/advice. This was good for me to read today. I am so sorry we all find ourselves here, but I am beyond grateful to have this support.

[NariaDreaming]

With our two prior losses (both chemicals) we took a couple of months. I'm unfortunately one of those people whose cycles went wonky after my losses and never got anything close to normal back


This time around when the nurse called with my negative beta, we made a plan during that phone call about trying again in March- the soonest they could get my lining healthy and ready for a FET.

[emmylo413]

This thread was good for me to read this morning. So much wisdom here. I totally identify with the fears of it happening again and what if I never get pregnant again and all those other scary thoughts. I also cling to the statistics and work really hard to trust my doctor's guidance.

With our first miscarriage we decided to wait awhile to try again, but this time I am leaning toward trying immediately. So it's different for everyone and even in each experience. Maybe it's the pressure of time or the increased determination I have, but I'm going with my gut.

[ihatepizza]

Jan 22, 2015 15:37:57 GMT -5 @moonandback141 said:

Hey everyone.

I hate that we all find ourselves here.

I believe this will be my 100th post on our new site so I thought I would try to make it a meaningful one.

My very first BFP resulted in a loss at 5w6d on December 14th and it's been rough. The holidays were the shittiest on record, so many pregnancy announcements/births in my circle have taken place and I just feel like I'm standing here with this big sad secret.

I think about the two lines I saw on that test on Thanksgiving Day and just keep thinking how freaking happy and excited I was and now it is ripped away from me and I'm not just "back at the beginning" but now I have this "loss" mentality and heavy sadness to carry going forward.

I don't want to preach any advice because I am in no way healed, but my "coping" tactics have been as follows:

1. I keep reading about the statistics of take home babies after miscarriages and they are promising even in the case of recurrent miscarriage.
2. I keep thinking that my baby was and always will be real and even though it can never be in this world, it is in some world and it is okay.
3. I use the unfollow feature on Facebook. A lot.
4. I have asked my OB to test my thyroid (TSH) and progesterone levels this cycle. These tests are decently cheap and easy and if something in me needs to be treated, I want to know about it. However, I do keep in mind that in most cases, miscarriages are a result of chromosomal abnormalities and there is nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to prevent it.
5. I trusted my body that it knew what it was doing. It suffered this tragedy with you and it does it's own form of healing. Don't be frustrated with it---believe that it will get back to normal. I thought my period would NEVER return. It did.
6. This is a personal decision for everyone and of course you need to take into account your doctor's orders about when you can TTC again, but for me, I chose to try ASAP (my doc said once my period returned I had the green light.) it helps me to feel like I am doing something to go forward with this process. Getting back to my temps and charts and OPKs has really allowed me to be focused on the future instead of constantly dwelling in the past.
7. Call your mom. For me it's my mom but for you in might be someone else---a sister, a friend, your DH---but whenever you are struggling, talk to someone and allow them to talk you off the ledge.
8. Don't live in fear of the future---of how long it's going to take, if a miscarriage will happen again or if there will be something horribly wrong with your baby. Just live your life. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. There is a much better chance of good things happening so if you must dwell, dwell on that.
9. My ninth and final piece of advice is closely tied to the above but specific to your next pregnancy---choose joy. It is so true that those of us who have experienced loss feel like we've had the blissful side of pregnancy stolen away from us. "Oh we can't be happy..what if something bad happens?" We CAN be happy, day by day, with our next pregnancies. We no doubt will be scared but if we let that consume us, we steal away the joy of that day. With my first pregnancy, I knew about it for 18 days and in those 18 days I seriously worried about the prospect of miscarriage all the time. When I felt a pain in my side, when my boobs stopped hurting, and when I started spotting. And then it happened--I miscarried, and all of that worry about miscarriage was for nothing. I apologized to my baby for not feeling joyful for the 18 days we knew each other.

This was most definitely the longest post ever, but I hope it helps anyone reading. ((Hugs))

Thank you for writing this, I cried when I read it especially the "call your mom" piece. I agree with this 100%. Grief is so sneaky. I thought somehow working in mental health
would make grieving easier but it's very humbling to be proven otherwise. I wish no one had to be on this board but I am grateful to everyone who is here.

[kathyn]

It's been so emotional reading everyone's experience as we are all going through the same thing. I would like to say I'm so sorry for your loss, it is such a heartbreaking thing to go through. I know what you mean about feeing guilty about trying again just after losing something that meant so much to you. I know every woman is different and will be ready at their own paces. I pray that you are get through this. It hasn't even been a week since my miscarriage and I can already say the days are slowly getting better. I know exactly how you feel about being so excited about having your own family even if it was only for a few short weeks, it just goes to show how amazing things can change once your expecting and also how heartbreaking it is once losing it Im so sorry your going through this. Hope you are feeling better.

Hugs.