Teaching the seemingly unteachable

[ladyannibal]

Hi everyone! After having my bonus boy for a week and dropping him off at school and daycare I realized I wanted to get more involved with his learning. He's kind of developmentally behind and I wanna give his education the one-on-one attention that I know he's not getting at home with BM.

For starters how do you get your bonus kid(s) to cooperate when they're being stubborn? Mine is okay with listening sometimes but he gets snippy with me and if I don't give him what he wants he kind of catches an attitude and ignores me. He'd much rather have his nose in some electronic than do anything else.

My next question is, would it be over stepping my bounds to email his teacher and get their lesson plan for the week so that I could reinforce her lessons? At his daycare they don't teach them anything they're just paid baby sitters. I don't like the daycare or the way they talk to the kids there but that's nothing I can change.

Also, at 4 (5 in March) is your child (bonus or not) independant? My bonus son acts like he can't do anything on his own and he says it's because his mom says he can't do it. When dh and I try to get him to do something by himself he catches an attitude and whines. He won't attempt to wipe himself after using the restroom, wash his hands, dress himself, anything. The most he'll do it throw his dishes in the sink and his garbage in the trash. I don't expect him to KNOW how to do any of those things but the fact that he won't even try frustrates me.

Tips, comments, critiques?

[kcones88]

Every kid is different, so what works with mine may not work with yours, but might be something to try. Independence has always been something I've encouraged with DD. Take showers for example. I wanted her to learn to wash her hair on her own. I had to talk her through it as I shampooed and rinsed her hair, and we repeated this for weeks. Then I let her try it on her own and supervised, giving pointers along the way. Eventually, I didn't even have to supervise anymore. Throughout the process, I kept reiterating how amazing and cool it would be for her to learn to do this on her own. I was over the top excited and encouraging, and I think it motivated her to WANT to be more independent. DH gets annoyed sometimes that we have to go step by step with her through certain tasks, but I just remind him that this is what parenting is all about. It certainly takes a lot of patience and I will admit that even my patience wears thin sometimes. 5 is still pretty young. I would say don't get discouraged. Make it fun and be your child's cheerleader.

[runnergirl812]

I think it'd be okay if DH got the lesson plan. I try not to overstep when it comes to the kids. Talk it over with DH. It should be easy for him to ask for it.

As for the age and independence (and granted every kid is different) but my BFs 5 year old is independent in some things but in others it takes much coaching and "cheering on." She very much will whine and complain about something being too hard, usually when she doesn't want to do something and wants you to do it for her. If you relent, she wins. Something as simple as picking up her clothes off the floor and making her bed, both things she knows how to do, she will whine. Essentially, I think whining is par for the age. I just don't let it get to me. For example, I got her to make her bed on Saturday, just by standing there and breaking down each task. By directing her gently, she got it done. It takes time, like kcones88 says. But she did it all by herself and afterwards was happy she had. She got a little praise from me and glowed.

[ladyannibal]

Thanks! I'll see if I can't get dh to get the lesson plans so I can encourage him to learn more. I know hubs is busy but this is definitely a team effort. I'll try the encouragement and praise deal. I know he absolutely loves it when I tell him he was a good boy or did a good job.

[CurlieWhirlie]

Jan 26, 2015 22:23:28 GMT -5 runnergirl812 said:

I think it'd be okay if DH got the lesson plan. I try not to overstep when it comes to the kids. Talk it over with DH. It should be easy for him to ask for it.

As for the age and independence (and granted every kid is different) but my BFs 5 year old is independent in some things but in others it takes much coaching and "cheering on." She very much will whine and complain about something being too hard, usually when she doesn't want to do something and wants you to do it for her. If you relent, she wins. Something as simple as picking up her clothes off the floor and making her bed, both things she knows how to do, she will whine. Essentially, I think whining is par for the age. I just don't let it get to me. For example, I got her to make her bed on Saturday, just by standing there and breaking down each task. By directing her gently, she got it done. It takes time, like kcones88 says. But she did it all by herself and afterwards was happy she had. She got a little praise from me and glowed.

All of this. It's not overstepping your bounds to care about your SS and want to do what you can to help and support him. It *is* overstepping your bounds to take this type of action on yourself and not let your DH, his father, take the lead. This is definitely parent territory, and as much as you love him and want the best for him, you are not his mother, and it's a fine line you have to tread. 

Different parenting styles encourage different levels of independence. My five year old is totally independent because we teach him to do things for himself, and give him space to figure stuff out on his own (and fail on his own). The eight and ten year old boys, on the other hand, aren't very independent at all, I think in large part because their mother encourages their dependence on her, whether she realizes it or not. So while we do try to give them space to be independent at our house, the fact is they're getting a different message at their other house, so that makes these types of lessons harder to learn and take a lot longer than if all parents were on the same page. 

But again, to get on the same page with BM regarding your SK's independence, you really need to let DH take the lead. It has to be up to him to work out that co-parenting relationship with BM and set the tone for how he wants to parent. You can have input, you can guide the discussion, but he's really in the driver's seat.