Since we have people craving intellectual conversation around here (per the FFFC thread), I thought it would be interesting to discuss some articles. TCF regularly posts articles on Facebook that tend to provoke good discussion over there, so hopefully it will do the same here. This one is about safe bed sharing. What are your thoughts/ opinions? evolutionaryparenting.com/bedsharing-and-sids-the-whole-truth/
I skimmed through the article briefly, maybe I'll have time to sift through the whole thing later, but this sentence from the very last paragraph captures what I practiced with DD:
"Indeed, some people room-share for the first few months where the SIDS risk is greatest and then bedshare once the infant is old enough and strong enough to move around better..."
My motivation as such was largely me being a working mom and wanting to get as much sleep as possible. However, if a child develops a habit of bedsharing it may become hard to kick. DD still wanders over to our room and insists that she must sleep in our bed with us upon occasion.
Off topic-- Have you heard about the mom of 4 that accidentally left her two month old baby in a grocery store shopping cart for 40 minutes and that tons of moms have been rallying behind her? That might be another interesting thing to discuss.
SIDS is one of those topics where I tend to trust the medical professionals. However I do feel that doctors have a blanket statement about bedsharing because they know many people will not follow the rules ( no alcohol, no pillows, no blankets and no soft mattress) so it's probably less confusing for them to just say no bedsharing. I do think you can safely bed share by following the rules and many of my friends bed share. I would actually say out of all my parent friends most of them did bed share.
I'm a really heavy sleeper so I was wary of bedsharing before 4 months. Also anytime I tried to bed share both my kids would wake up screaming an hour later maybe because I snore so I was waking them up.
By 2 yr old sleep w us sometimes. I love it when he does. I love waking up and cuddling w him.
I bedshared from 2.5 months to 7.5 months with DS, and have been since about week one with DD.
While I fought with the idea at first, once I did it with DS everything felt so much better. I of course began researching it more and believed in a lot of the benefits that has been suggested with the idea and continued doing it. I also knew the benefits outweighed the dangers because I am obviously going to be responsible about this. Occasionally I would set him in his crib at times, and it was at 7.5 months that I set him in and he has been an amazing independant sleeper since. I am now occasionally beginning to put DD in the crib, she has some good nights and some nights where she comes right back into bed with me. I'm just going to stick with what's working for us!
So if the question is, do I believe in the benefits of bedsharing? Yes, for us. That's pretty much how I answer every question. Because also believe there are babies that can be confident sleepers on their own right at the beginning. Mine just aren't. Do I think those babies are at an increase of SIDS? I'm not sure. I think until there is an actual answer for why it happens that's not really a question that can be answered.
For us bedsharing wasnt an option. We have a 90-95 (depending on the week) pound dog, who has slept in bed with us for almost a year. Bringing a baby home was going to be a big enough change as it is, to now also kick him out (he tends to sleep in the middle of my husband and I) it just wasnt right. We had DD sleep next to us in her basinett until she was just shy of 4 weeks. We talked to our pediatrician and she said her risks of SIDS was so low (due to her being a very healthy baby) that we could move her into her own room. My sister had bed shared with her oldest for a few days and found she was getting less sleep because she was so scared to roll over onto the baby even when he was in a bed sharing thingy ( Thingy= i got very little sleep last night and cant think of the correct word).
I do feel like once DD is older and if she ever has night mares we will allow her to come into our room but sleep on the floor (this is what my parents did).
I have also seen parents who co-sleep and their marriage has taken a hit because of it. They do not have that one on one time to just talk and relax in bed. There is a saying that, you should always put your spouce before your children if you want to make your marriage work. I dont agree with this 1000%, but when it comes to the bed room his comfort and mine, outweight me wanting to snuggle with my daughter every night.
By 2 yr old sleep w us sometimes. I love it when he does. I love waking up and cuddling w him.
It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't lay horizontally and kick one of us all night
There I go w my rose colored glasses again because he does sleep horizontal but on the plus side his feet usually face DH so he ends up kicking him in the morning.
I'm with you @poppyc8. I agree that it can be done safely, it's just not for me personally. We have the PnP with the mattress on the high setting right next to our bed. I like that he's right there with me, but in his own safe space. We co-slept while visiting his parents and it went well, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time. My other concern was intimacy. Especially at a time when we couldn't / weren't having sex, it was important for us to at least cuddle up at night and have that closeness. When we bed share, we put Z in the middle of the two of us to stop him from rolling off.
I feel like the comment regarding marriages suffering from co sleeping isn't really accurate. Marriages go through stress by having an infant in the house regardless of where the baby sleeps.
That was my other reason for not doing it dmoney. Our 50 pound pup sleeps cuddled next to me and the safe bed sharing guidelines say he would have to be at the foot of the bed or off altogether. I didn't think it was fair to add another adjustment for him after bringing Z home.
When DD used to sleep in our bed as a baby, we used to have a bedrail up and I put her on the side of me next to the bedrail so that I was a protective barrier against DH rolling onto her.
I feel like the comment regarding marriages suffering from co sleeping isn't really accurate. Marriages go through stress by having an infant in the house regardless of where the baby sleeps.
Intimacy wasn't an issue with us when we were bedsharing because she wasn't bothering us or interfering if she was asleep.
. I do think you can safely bed share by following the rules and many of my friends bed share. I would actually say out of all my parent friends most of them did bed share.
I would say this to be true also. When I first started doing it I had my first time mom worries of 'I'm not doing this correctly'. Once I started talking about it more I found out it's a lot more common practice than we are often led to believe!
I feel like the comment regarding marriages suffering from co sleeping isn't really accurate. Marriages go through stress by having an infant in the house regardless of where the baby sleeps.
Oh im not saying that it happened for everyone, just saying that in the families that i know personally, those marriages had issues. Having an infant is stressfull no doubt, but with them adding the baby in the bed it make it even harder for them.
Please dont think I am saying this happens for everyone because that was not what I was implying at all!
Post by baytosa2013 on Aug 31, 2015 14:22:13 GMT -5
I'm also in the "whatever floats your boat" camp on this topic. We don't bed share because frankly I was way to scared to. Lately we have taken to putting her in bed with us on Saturday mornings after her 5am feed but I'm usually up by 6-6:30 so it's not all night and I am still paranoid about it. The thing that overrides it is when she wakes up and sees us she lights up with the biggest smile and it makes my morning. DD also happens to be a fantastic sleeper so it was easy to put her in the bouncy and now the PNP in the room with us. I'm not ready for her to go to her own room yet.
Post by billyhorrible on Aug 31, 2015 17:06:58 GMT -5
With LBB we didn't bedshare because my niece and nephew were still sleeping in their parents room and they were 11 and 7. I figured it was related to bedsharing and didn't want that. But based on my experience, none of my friends bedshared and some are still having problems with their 4 year olds wanting to sleep in the same bed every night, so I don't think there's necessarily a relationship between bedsharing and bad sleep habits.
As always, I revert back to my "most sleep for the most people" stance, So if bedsharing does it for a family, then good for them
I've never looked into it because I know it's not for us. I was quite surprised how much the la leche league pushes bed sharing when I've gone to their meetings. Everything I've ever learned said "keep baby out of your bed," so I followed that advice. It works for us so far, so I have no need to try bed sharin, you know?
My H's cousin sleeps with her baby and has since she was born. At one point it was both of them and the baby and their two year old. She doesn't do it safely at all, though, and that's my fear of these articles - women like her would read this (but not really) and then think it's okay to have the baby sleep with blankets and pillows.
erbear I was surprised that my LC seemed to push it a bit as well. I'm wasn't dead set against it, but what we're doing is working just fine, so I'm not going to mess with that.
DH is a ridiculously violent sleeper. I've been punched, shoved, smacked, and kicked hard while sleeping next to him in our king size bed. So cosleeping was never really an option.
erbear I was surprised that my LC seemed to push it a bit as well. I'm wasn't dead set against it, but what we're doing is working just fine, so I'm not going to mess with that.
It's been a while, but IIRC it's part of EBF (ecological breastfeeding - what you need to do to actually use breastfeeding as birth control/healthy child spacing) which could be why it's being pushed by LLL/LCs.
erbear I was surprised that my LC seemed to push it a bit as well. I'm wasn't dead set against it, but what we're doing is working just fine, so I'm not going to mess with that.
It's been a while, but IIRC it's part of EBF (ecological breastfeeding - what you need to do to actually use breastfeeding as birth control/healthy child spacing) which could be why it's being pushed by LLL/LCs.
I remember hearing that now. I'm actually surprised Z sleeps as long as he does so close to me. I would be too nervous to use that for BC anyway.
I'm with you @poppyc8. I agree that it can be done safely, it's just not for me personally. We have the PnP with the mattress on the high setting right next to our bed. I like that he's right there with me, but in his own safe space. We co-slept while visiting his parents and it went well, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time. My other concern was intimacy. Especially at a time when we couldn't / weren't having sex, it was important for us to at least cuddle up at night and have that closeness. When we bed share, we put Z in the middle of the two of us to stop him from rolling off.
This is us. We've got the PnP right next to the bed, and that has been working nicely.
I so agree about the intimacy/closeness thing. When we first brought B home, we had him in one of those bassinets that are designed to provide a safe sleeping space for the baby in bed with parents, and I felt so incredibly isolated and alone. It was miserable. I was so hormonal anyway- but then to put a physical barrier between DH and I?! Worst idea ever. After we moved B to the PnP, everything got so much better.
I feel like this is such a personal decision. So many other cultures around the world bed share safely, and have done so for hundreds of years. If that is what feels right for you and your family, go for it. For us, we feel most comfortable with him in his own space, but very close by.
I can see where this works for some families, but it's not for us. DH is a LOUD snorer and heavy sleeper on occasion. I am such a light sleeper when she's in our room, let alone our bed.
I have brought her in bed with me for naps when I was by myself, but I spent more time watching her to make sure that she was ok.
It does worry me when I hear stories of people bed sharing and they are not being safe with it. My cousin and her boyfriend bed share occasionally, and there are pillows and blankets all over the bed.
I do feel like once DD is older and if she ever has night mares we will allow her to come into our room but sleep on the floor (this is what my parents did).
+1
LO is still in a bassinet in our room at 11 weeks and I'll keep doing that until she grows out of it then it's off to her room in the crib. I'm just not one for the bed sharing at all. It's not for me. Mostly because I think we'll all rest better separately when she's ready to be in her own room.
Post by mrskblack11 on Sept 1, 2015 6:23:57 GMT -5
I had no intention of ever bed sharing. When we brought LO home he would NOT sleep in his bassinet. We tried everything to get him to sleep in a separate space but he wouldn't. Once we started bed sharing, we all got awesome sleep.
We are EBF which makes it so convenient to bed share. I don't have to leave the bed to change or feed him which equals more sleep for us.
We consistently get 4-5 hour blocks of sleep and every few days he will sleep from 10-6.
We will eventually transition him into the crib once he is consistently STTN. I think it will be harder for me to stop bed sharing. All my instincts want to keep the baby close by.
My intimacy with DH has not suffered due to bed sharing. I don't want to cuddle when I'm sleeping. If I put LO down for the night, DH and I will cuddle or have sexy time on the couch before we go to bed. He also stopped sleeping in the bed while I was pregnant so LO and I have a king sized bed all to ourselves.
LO sleeps in a crib in our room atm b/c of the house layout. Bedsharing isn't for us really, used it once or twice in the early days when we absolutely needed to but I can't sleep easily, it prompts too much anxiety. Im all for those who do it safely - some babies need it more than others. As with most everything else, there's so much conflicting advice. LA leche league advise for, our local health service against. But really the main worries about it are such common sense things, it's sad that people would even need to be told not to bedshare after alcohol. Sadly those people do exist I suppose.
Jules would love to bedshare but I am too nervous about it. I love pillows and blankets and frankly I am super selfish about my sleep. We will bedshare for naps(since it's the only way she will nap.
She is still sleeping in a bassinet right next to me at 10 weeks and will until she doesn't fit or it isn't safe anymore. Then we will move the crib into our room for her.
I do feel like once DD is older and if she ever has night mares we will allow her to come into our room but sleep on the floor (this is what my parents did).
+1
LO is still in a bassinet in our room at 11 weeks and I'll keep doing that until she grows out of it then it's off to her room in the crib. I'm just not one for the bed sharing at all. It's not for me. Mostly because I think we'll all rest better separately when she's ready to be in her own room.
Bolded is the reason we moved LO to her room at 3 weeks. Everytime she would move or make any noise DH and I would wake up thinking something is wrong. She loves her crib and her bedroom. This morning as I was doing my hair DH was feeding her and getting her ready. He put her in her crib and she was just laying in there laughing and having a good time. In reality it is all about what works best for each family. No way is the wrong way or the right way. What works for you and your family is the right way for your family.
Post by mrsmonogrammed on Sept 1, 2015 8:39:25 GMT -5
I skimmed the article....bed sharing is not for me. Granted I have a pretty good sleeper who has no problem sleeping flat in her bassinet (or crib since 8w) so I might have had to rethink my position with a different baby.
With that said, do I think bed sharing can be done safely? Not for a small immobile baby, no. But I do think that you can make it SAFER by doing things like removing extra pillows, placing baby between mom and a wall, removing fluffy things from the bed, etc.
Really it's a deeply personal decision and I can see why some people choose it. I don't judge moms who do it because everyone should be able do what they think think is best! And sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do:)
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